to not leave the house for at least a month owing to my one year old's horrific vocabulary malfunctions??

[TerribleMother]

My 20mo ds3 has a few words, most of them unintelligible. Mamma, dad, jees (juice), cake (!?), hank ooo (thank you, obviously) are the ones that we recognise most, although sometimes he'll throw us a curve ball (ice cream!) from nowhere, say it a few times, then never again.

Today, however, has been the learning curve from hell!! Firstly while watching Dora, when she says backpack, I repeated it to him, to which he replied 'pk'. No, ds3, it's backpack! He just kept repeating and repeating the wrong word. I tried bag, rucksack, just to get him to break the sound but nope. Ds1 walks into the room ready for school with his bag on his shoulder and ds3 points at him and shouts out 'pk'!

Short time later, ds3 toddles through from the kitchen with a box of crackers in his hand and loudly shouts 'fuckers!' He's been repeating that one on and off all day now too!

So wibu to not leave the house for an undetermined period of time for fear that my one year old will disgrace me and make me look like World's Worst Mum!? (It goes without saying that he has heard neither of these words in this house, or anywhere else for that matter!)

My little girl's favourite television program is currently 'Show Me, Show Me'. She just loves Piss and Pui

When DS1 was little (2ish) he learned to slap me on the bottom and say hubba-hubba. DH looked suitably . The problem was that when he mistook someone else for me when we were out and about he'd do the same thing!

I also arrived at his nursery one afternoon to a raucous giggling from the staff. Apparently they had been reading The Gruffalo and every time the fox was mentioned DS would pipe up "My mummy's a fox!" (Dh again - I guess it could be worse).

DS2 once asked me loudly "Why is that fat man so hairy?" We were sitting in a waiting room with the fat, hairy man!

Dn was giving a fur real cat. Sat on the floor stroking this cat saying i love my pussy.

For some reason in DD1s world 64 zoo lane was actually "sexy balls today". Yep let's wander around the supermarket singing about sex balls. And the staff at nursery were totally flummoxed by her talking about "sexy" all day. No not sexy my lovely sister lexie

I thought my ds had turned to religion. He shouted Jesus every time we were in a shop. He would become quite excited and shout it multiple times.

Eventually it became apparent that he was actually trying to shout 'malteasers' which are his favourite confectionary.

These are brillant! I swear children sometimes know the first time to come out with things. Dd2 had health issues as a baby and the only way to get various drugs into her was to swaddle her in a towel. Meeting a new doctor for the first time dd1 then aged 2 announced that 'no doc dob't need you, mummy makes it better by tying baby up'. Thankfully the doc saw the funny side
And dd1 called a fork a fuck for ages. Worst one was in a Church cafe when she was yelling at the vicar that she wanted a 'hard fuck' - a metal fork not the plastic fork she had been given. We didn't go back for a while.

These are great.

When my 4-year-old cousin was a bit younger she picked up some choice phrases from her dad... "Oh bollocks!" was a good one, which we swiftly managed to replace with "oh bubbles".

But then one day she was in the car with me and my mum, and piped up "daddy says... daddy says... Cheese is wet!"

She meant "Jesus wept". Could not stop laughing for days.

Oh god for a while collection sounded like 'erection'

DD 2 had great pride in telling all she meet that she was "scratching my pussy mites" which were actually mozzie bites of course!

These are absolute genius.

We had a lot of trouble with DS1 and fork (he once shouted FUCK OFF when asking a waitress to take his fork away).

His worst mispronunciation was 'cunty' for crunchy. I'll never forget lunch with the inlaws when he tearfully declared 'Mummy, my toast is TOO CUNTY!'

Oh God, I'd forgotten about 'lovely, lovely cock' (clock) and 'DADDY GOT REALLY BIG DICK' (stick) till this thread reminded me. Will look forward to it all over again when DS2 starts talking.

My DD went through a phase of telling every single stranger that looked at her that her little brother had blue balls and he keeps playing with them

What she actually meant was I'd bought him a load of those balls for his ball pool and they happened to be blue and he was so fascinated with them that he was always carrying one or two around the house with them which peed me off no end and I'd end up finding them everywhere until I eventually told him to stop playing with them all the time

DS likes playing with his "spaceshit"

That would be your spaceship, dear.

Oh lord, ds2 is only just talking, so I'm sure I'll have another corker for you in about a years time!

Ds2 was on a train when he was about 2 and repeatedly asked 'is he a monkey or a man?'. It took me ages to realise he was talking about the black gentleman sitting opposite us. It was awful. The guy was looking out of the window, so I I just pray he wasn't listening. I spent the rest of the train ride desperately trying to distract him!

Oops! That's should be ds1!

DS once had a temper tantrum in the foyer of a Vue Cinema screaming "but I want COCK-PORN". I have never laughed so hard in my life! Needless to say, he got his popcorn just to stop him shouting it again!

My 4 year old has just starting singing a Christmas song learnt at school. Unfortunately he's replacing all the initial letters with b's

"Book at all the beople bumming into bown". Mum, have you heard there's lots of people bumming soon.

Oh dear

ds1 used to call ds2 his baby bugger. My ds3 who is 2 doesn't say much so he can't embarass me too much. Except when he was in a cubicle with me and decided to escape into the next cubicle which was of course occuppied

Oh God! Kids and Christmas songs (and hymns)!

I've just remembered a cracker from ds1 (who is almost 11 now). He was in a nativity play in nursery, and had to learn a song about camels. The chorus went 'hump hump Humpity hump'. One night he was singing it over and over in the bath with ds2, and he started replacing hump with various random words 'duck duck duckity duck' etc, which was all very funny until he sang at the top of his voice 'cunt cunt cuntity cunt'.

Thankfully I don't think he ever gave nursery that rendition.

For several months dd would stand in the kitchen shouting "I want my fork and spoon! I want my fork and spoon!" before a meal. How adorable! Except what she was actually shouting was "I want my fucking spoon! I want my fucking spoon!".

My neighbour always looked slightly aghast whenever she saw me after that.

I remember standing talking to a friend in a shop once and my friends son picked up a toy duck and starting saying "wank wank" "wank wank"

avocadotoast That's similar to when I had to convince my boys that when I was really annoyed I say "Oh Cheesy Crust!" or alternatively "Holy Ship!"

Sometimes you really have to think fast!

My DS used to love having the end of the French stick to chew on whilst going around the supermarket sat in the trolley. One day there was none there so he started to get really shouty, ok, ok I said I'll get you a biscuit.

Cue him shouting 'big tits' over and over at the top of his voice all the way around......

My DD went through a stage of nonsensical rhyming. "Oooh look, mummy, a bucket. Buck - it. Buckit, luckit, truckit, fuckit. I just responded by reinforcing the correct word. It happens to everyone, just front it out and smile.