to not leave the house for at least a month owing to my one year old's horrific vocabulary malfunctions??

[TerribleMother]

My 20mo ds3 has a few words, most of them unintelligible. Mamma, dad, jees (juice), cake (!?), hank ooo (thank you, obviously) are the ones that we recognise most, although sometimes he'll throw us a curve ball (ice cream!) from nowhere, say it a few times, then never again.

Today, however, has been the learning curve from hell!! Firstly while watching Dora, when she says backpack, I repeated it to him, to which he replied 'pk'. No, ds3, it's backpack! He just kept repeating and repeating the wrong word. I tried bag, rucksack, just to get him to break the sound but nope. Ds1 walks into the room ready for school with his bag on his shoulder and ds3 points at him and shouts out 'pk'!

Short time later, ds3 toddles through from the kitchen with a box of crackers in his hand and loudly shouts 'fuckers!' He's been repeating that one on and off all day now too!

So wibu to not leave the house for an undetermined period of time for fear that my one year old will disgrace me and make me look like World's Worst Mum!? (It goes without saying that he has heard neither of these words in this house, or anywhere else for that matter!)

Ah the joys:) DS when he was about 7 picked up a box of Tampax in supermarket and shouted at the top of his voice to me "These mummy, these for your poorly bottom" This a couple of days after a hasty and frankly cowardly on my part conversation after he walked in on me in the bathroom mid tampon change.

DS, started a new pre school a couple of months ago and when he got home I asked him what he had done. I didn't get much out of him except that he did 'cunting'.
I tried gently correcting him by saying 'oh, lovely you did some counting' for him to tell me rather forcefully 'no I did cunting'!

When he was about 8 months his sound combination of choice was 'bugger, bugger, bugger'. He would shout it everywhere.

DD used to exclaim 'oh fuck!' whenever I helped her put her shoes on. Took me ages to twig she was saying 'other foot'. I'm sure nursery thought I was making excuses- this followed closely after 'shit' (sit), 'crap' (clap) and 'wanker' (one car).

My favourite is still 'I need that, fuck off!' from 2yo DD. When I looked down at her in horror I realised she was struggling to take a fork off a hook on her kitchen.

my DS screamed all the way round Croydon town centre as I legged it back to the carpark going "Black bird wants Cock, Black bird wants Cock!" - we'd left his toy Cockatoo in the car but he had the toy blackbird and apparently they couldn't be separated .

My DS loves the numberjacks with a passion. He likes to get his wooden blocks out and arrange them like the numberjacks buddy blocks except he calls them his bloody blocks.
I also used to get him telling everyone to die when trying to say bye "die nanny". That went down well!

Poor ds still struggles a little to be understood but at least now he can say clock and bridges without talking about cock and bitches. I think it was discussing bridges with the HV which convinced her to refer him to SALT!

This is my favourite MN thread ever :)

I am literally crying with laughter, my DS says cocks for socks but that's nothing on what I've read :)

We have titty for teddy here, and piss for fish. The sealife centre was fun

Reading this thread has made my day!
The innocence of kids.

my younger sister when little used to call bertie bassett bertie bastard

My Dn went to the races as a toddler, when taken to the parade ring she pointed out the 'arses' to all around her. This was just the start of a long and successful career in embarrassing her parents.
She feels it is her duty to ask every poor museum attendant or National Trust volunteer a question. It has made a many a boring tour hysterical. She is now in her teens but still continues to entertain us with her delightful quirkiness.

DS aged 2 stood up on his chair in the cafe at a play barn place and announced very loudly 'look mummy cow shit! Big cow shit over there!'

It was in fact a seat in the shape of a cow he was pointing to but I don't think anyone believed me.

DS1 has his SALT review this week, I still remember the joys of him pointing out ALL the fucks driving along the street :o he still can't say tr, but at nearly 5 is less inclined to commentate on everything we pass!

And yes, we had cocks too.

DS is one who says dick instead of stick. On a nice walk yesterday, he picked up every bloody stick he could carry, each one met with a gleeful 'More dick! More dick!' yelled at the top of his voice

We also have 'bugger' instead of monster, and 'shit here' for sit here

And as recently as this summer aged 3

Daddy got big feet and I got little feet.
Daddy got big cocks and I got little cocks

This delightful snippet was reported to me by my mum who does not know that the modern version of jelly shoes are Called Crocs!

I intend to use 'Fuckering Fuckotash'! That is one excellent swear!!

DD1 (aged about 4 at the time) once asked loudly and repeatedly in the supermarket "Mummy, why don't you have your tranquilisers?"

Took quite a while to figure out what she meant. It turns out she meant contact lenses.

I was never so glad to be living in a non-English speaking country, although by the smirks I saw around us, I'm pretty sure some of the local expat community got a good giggle.

Oh my! I've only just had time to come back and see if there are any replies, and I am weeping here!! Ds3's pk and fuckers pale in comparison! Haha I might even venture out with him and listen out for everyone else's little darlings shouting random obscenities!!

When Dd was little she couldn't say my MIL name Aileen. Luckily MIL had a sense of humour when told "I love you grandma alien!"

Last Christmas mine were 19m and loved the Christmas lights but couldn't say the "L" so it was "shites! shites!" for 2 months.
These days they just keep it to talking about my underwear in Tescos. "I got pink pants. Mummy got penguin pants". (Yes, I wear M&S novelty Christmas pants all year round in order to give them something to point at when we are in public toilets instead of pulling out all the toilet paper. I'm not ashamed.)

DD (3) has recently taken to saying 'what' when she hasn't heard/understood what you've said. I tried to teach her to say 'pardon' instead, unfortunately it comes out a little wrong. Have swiftly desisted as a toddler shouting "hardon" in public seems more offensive, somehow .