Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

...to think that hen parties cost too much nowadays?

77 replies

CrystalVision77 · 02/11/2014 15:49

Another weekend, another invite to a hen do.

We're hiring a cottage down South, 20 girls invites, some activities and food included. Cost per person - £280.00. This doesn't include travel, or alcohol.

Add this to the two-day spa break I've had to turn down, plus the weekend in Portugal I've said I can't go to and the night in London at a 5* hotel, show and dinner. Each of those were coming in at £300+.

I have two small DC's and DH and am currently on maternity leave. Most of my friends are in the same position (either pregnant or with small children) and those getting married just don't seem to get that I can't justify spending so much on a hen do.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:

ExsqueezeMe · 02/11/2014 16:15

It depends...........what did you do for your hen do OP?

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/11/2014 16:16

Mine didn't cost much.

I think going away for weekends are a bit much in all honesty.

MaryWestmacott · 02/11/2014 16:17

I think if others have cried off because of the cost, it's best you do the same, mainly because the bride to be and her bridesmaids have completely mistaken the budgets of her other guests. Some people will have a friendship group who could easily afford double that and would think nothing of it, but this bride doesn't. If she wants her friends there, she's going to have to change plans to what they can afford, not what she wants them to afford.

Peanutbutterandnutellanutter · 02/11/2014 16:17

I am going to a hen next weekend. Have already paid £100 for the cottage, £40 towards the food/booze fund and my train tickets were £50 plus I will need to get a taxi which will be £15/20. We have also been told we are going for a meal out (so another £30) then there is an activity planned which is £25. I have said I will sit out of that, don't want to seem rude but this hen is already costing about £250 and that's enough.

Then there's the wedding three weeks later, which has cost me £36 for a hotel room (got a Travellodge) plus we will spend £60 petrol, £50 on the pressie plus however much we spend on drinks.......

So the wedding and hen combined are costing me over £400 and it's not the only wedding I have been invited to this year...... I haven't been on holiday this year and could have gone away for a cheap week in the sun for that.

My own hen do is an afternoon tea at a hotel. It costs £30 per person, plus the costs of people getting there

Original poster

CrystalVision77 · 02/11/2014 16:26

Bear - good point. Whilst I don't think the bride knows anything about it, I think she may have had a bit of input from the start as in "I like this, would want to do this, but not this" kind of stuff.

The other issue is that the hen do is the end of January and DH gets paid early in December which stretches it out to a 6/7 week month, so I can either pay the £280 now and take it out of the Christmas fund, or try and find it in January which will be nigh on impossible.

I know I've already talked myself out of it so will pop her sister an email later today and explain why. I just feel like I'm missing out a bit sometimes. It would have been nice...

OP posts:

7to25 · 02/11/2014 16:26

I feel obliged to share.
I was working nights prior to my wedding and on my last night sister wheeled in a dressing trolley covered in a tea towel.
She removed the tea towel to reveal tea, cake and sandwiches.
We ate them and had a cup of tea.
My hen night.

PragmaticWench · 02/11/2014 16:28

I once had to turn down a hen-party invite as I had a huge bill arrive for building works on my leasehold flat, so couldn't afford anything else. The hen would have cost £140 plus extra for train tickets, dinner and drinks. I politely explained to the CBM why I couldn't go, not to the bride as it was all a surprise for her.

I was then UNINVITED from the wedding by the bride!!! I had no chance to explain to her that I wasn't snubbing her hen do, as I couldn't ruin the surprise plans. We'd been friends since childhood and it killed our friendship dead, I was so upset.

PragmaticWench · 02/11/2014 16:31

The hen party activity was a two hour cheer leading lesson. I was not upset about missing that tbh.

Cranfieldmc · 02/11/2014 16:34

I agree. I am actually organising a hen do for my SIL to be at the moment. She has definite ideas about what she wants (although is not taking any part in the organising). I have been pulling my hair out about how to achieve the night away and activity she wants without making it cost so much that the other invitees can't come. To top it off she has only listed 6 invitees other than the bridesmaids and herself. So far each of them has pleaded poverty and I have asked her to revise her plans a couple of times. Also I think she probably expects that the invitees will pay for her share (as this seems to be what happens at the moment) which is going to be expensive with a limited guest list.
What I guess I am trying to say is maybe have a thought to how difficult the role of organising the do can be as well. Although yanbu about the cost, I think going away is unnecessary and unless you know your guests very well a bit thoughtless.

Bearbehind · 02/11/2014 16:39

That was exactly my point cranfield

Although the bride isn't organising her own hen do, the fact she's pretty much stipulated what she wants is the reason you are struggling.

IMO in that situation and possibly the OP's, the bride only has herself to blame if no one wants to go.

As for assuming everyone else will pay for her- sod that- her choice- her wedding- she pays.

wheresthelight · 02/11/2014 16:39

yanbu I really don't understand why people feel the need to do this! when I got married we had a buffet in a posh bar in my local town and every one danced, drank and had a laugh but I was in the minority as most people I know have done the foreign weekend or uber expensive spa break

cheminotte · 02/11/2014 16:42

Yanbu. I would much prefer a meal and drinks rather than a whole weekend away. I can't justify spending that much on just me rather than putting towards family holiday.

TheMagicToyshop · 02/11/2014 16:46

Yanbu.
When i organised my friends hen do as BM we made it a two tiered affair - the bridesmaids (who could all afford it) had a weekend in london and everyone else was invited for very good value night out with food and drinks and a dance on the Saturday night (no one lived far from london). That way the bride got to do all the things she wanted without us having to demand hundreds of pounds off some old uni friend of hers who would probably have declined the invitation.

Original poster

CrystalVision77 · 02/11/2014 16:48

Cranfield - I agree, which is why I don't want to suggest to the CBM doing anything cheaper. She's clearly put a lot of thought into it and had researched cottages etc... (which then begs the question if 20 people have been invited and only 10 are going, does she choose a different cottage, do the 10 make up the cost of the missing 10?) so I'll probably just politely decline.

Pragmatic - that's exactly what I'm worried about. This girl is (used to be) a great friend but we have drifted in the past few years, inevitable when you have two small children and both live in different towns, and at this point, I don't even know if I'm invited to the wedding or not! So I'm a bit worried that if I don't go, it's the death knell for our friendship.

OP posts:

Cantbelievethisishappening · 02/11/2014 16:53

The whole wedding hoo ha has just turned into a load of bollox IMO. All this last night of freedom shit. I was invited to a hen do a few years back.... it was the B2B's third one in fifteen years Another one had three....yes THREE separate hen do's spread over a month.
Clearly a number of brides have no clue how much it costs be attend a hen do and then the wedding.

Bearbehind · 02/11/2014 16:54

crystal IME it's very unusual to not know if you are invited to the wedding at the point of having to decide whether to attend the hen do.

If the brides invitation process is based purely on who is prepared to spend the most money to celebrate her hen do with her- she's not a friend worth keeping.

LilMissSunshine9 · 02/11/2014 16:55

My sisters hen do was organised by her best friends and they wanted to go abroad for a weekend but it was too expensive at £600 and in the end they went to Brighton, did a cocktail class, go karting, nightclub crawl and had strippers. I had just started working (£1200pm to cover rent, commute, bills) and in the end I could only afford to pay for my sister to go (came to about £300 per person) and I didn't go. I just couldn't afford to pay for her and me.

WooWooOwl · 02/11/2014 17:06

Brides tend to know if they're having a hen do or not, and they are the ones that provide the list of people to invite, even when they aren't doing the organising themselves and it's all a surprise. Therefore, they have some responsibility towards their friends to ensure that the costs are kept down. It's not difficult.

I had to tell my BM she had to scale back on plans because of the cost of everything she wanted to organise, but it was a conversation that was had early enough on that she didn't end up wasting loads of time.

I have no sympathy for brides that end up with no one at their hen weekend because they've allowed their friends to have to pay a fortune or not go.

Original poster

CrystalVision77 · 02/11/2014 17:08

Bear - last time I actually saw this friend was March at another friends Christening. She mentioned the wedding and what date it was, but she hasn't spoken about it since. She's not really a 'weddingy' person. Plus she doesn't get married til March so the actual invites haven't gone out yet. I don't want to assume I'll get invited (despite her coming to mine) and I don't want to ask because that's rude, right?

OP posts:

JenniferGovernment · 02/11/2014 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bearbehind · 02/11/2014 17:33

I think even entertaining spending that kind of money (unless you can more than afford it) on the hen do of someone you last saw 8 months ago and aren't close enough to to actually know if you'll be invited to her wedding is madness.

I know you've decided not to go but this just proves you're making the right decision.

ephemeralfairy · 02/11/2014 17:49

I agree with everyone else, yanbu at all. The thing that annoys me most is that these expensive hen dos are all the same. If you are on a budget then it forces you to be more imaginative. The best one I ever went on involved a massive team scavenger hunt round our old uni city, getting the most hideous outfits for the evening from charity shops and then a curry followed by getting lashed on the cheap in all our grotty old student haunts. We all dossed down on floors and sofas. It cost me about £60 for the whole weekend.

TootDeLaFroot · 02/11/2014 18:38

Bearbehind yes, those last in the social group to get married won't necessarily understand a family budget etc, but they've also probably gone on everybody else's hen weekends etc over the years and spent hundreds supporting their friends as that was what their friends wanted.
It's probably a smack in the chops that their married friends won't (can't?) do the same for them. I can see both sides.
Personally I wouldn't want to put anyone in the position of having to decline an invitation because of costs.

JennyBlueWren · 02/11/2014 18:54

All the hen dos I've been on before were just nights out. A friend is getting married next year and her sister is planning a weekend away and an afternoon tea locally. I don't know if I'll go for the weekend as I will have a baby but my DH is supposed to be jointly organising a stag do which will be a weekend abroad.

Bearbehind · 02/11/2014 19:08

toot I think it's the combination of factors that's the problem.

I see where you are coming from re the bride having attended everyone else's hen do but it is true that hen dos have become way more elaborate now.

The combination of people's reduced disposable income once they've married and had kids along with new brides much higher expectation of a hen do is just a recipe for disaster.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread