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AIBU?

In needing my husband to kiss me

87 replies

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 20:22

Anyone else suffer from this? He adores me, works hard for the family,is giving and intimate in bed yada yada yada...but he can't and won't kiss. After 17 years of trying to understand I'm struggling and we are now discussing separation . I love him but just don't know how to reconcile this with my need for a snog.
I'm close to leaving. Am ibu ?

OP posts:

Report

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 22:35

Gamer
I'm not expecting him to sort it out . It's beyond that - it may once have been sortable surely if its an emotional issue .
I'm just so sad that its not a part of our lives, remember I said he used to do it .

OP posts:

gamerchick · 01/11/2014 22:37

so what do you want? does he know?

textingdisaster · 01/11/2014 22:38

waltons what reasons does your h give for never kissing you anywhere on your face?

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2014 22:40

Why do you hate kissing him, dementedma? And have you always hated kissing anyone? Did you ever enjoy kissing?

Bodicea · 01/11/2014 22:45

I don't understand the stopping on honeymoon. Was he forcing himself before?. That feels like a betrayal to me. Like he was hiding the real him until he had the ring on your
Finger. It seems odd.

dementedma · 01/11/2014 22:46

blether because he sees if as a green light for sex. It can't ever just be about affection. And because I don't love him any more.

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 22:49

I don't know anyone who has it all in a relationship . I know its about compromise . I wish I could think of one for us!
Perhaps the postman will plant one on me each morning so I get my fix!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2014 22:50

OK, thanks, dementedma.

I'm feeling very disillusioned tonight about relationships.

Pumpkinpositive · 01/11/2014 23:12

I'm not a kisser either. Someone else's tongue in my mouth makes me literally heave. I've never become desensitised to it.

It's a shame for both of you.

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2014 23:37

But Pumpkin, did you make it plain to your partner from day 1, or did you pretend until the day you married?

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2014 23:38

But Pumpkin, did you make it plain to your partner from day 1, or did you pretend until the day you married?

Pumpkinpositive · 01/11/2014 23:43

I am fancy free at the moment.

But no, I have never said to anyone I've been intimate that I hate kissing. That's a difficult conversation to have.

On the other hand, I've never shut up shop completely on the kissing front. I see it as a necessary evil, something I just put up with to keep someone else sweet.

Oh God, I've just depressed myself.

ItsMyChoice15 · 02/11/2014 00:03

My DH doesn't like making out either. We used to, sort of, in the beginning but he was honest from the start that he's not really into it and he never has been (I have my theories as to why but they're just theories).

Someone asked up-thread how you initiate sex. Sex isn't just about kissing. It could start from a shoulder rub, back scratch, a look, bit of ahem rubbing... heck even "So... you wanna?"

We've been together over 7 years and in all honesty I do miss it and think about it from time-to-time. I do get a kiss on the lips several times a day but it's closed mouth. He'll kiss my neck and "other" areas... but it's not the same, as the OP said.

It's not as easy as telling him I miss it because it will make him feel bad and like he has to do something he doesn't enjoy to make me happy (which he would). I wouldn't enjoy it because I would feel guilty knowing he's doing something he doesn't like just to make me happy. In an ideal world he'd suddenly start liking it but I don't hold out hope for that!

So instead i don't focus on that one thing because the rest of our relationship is a good one.

Darkesteyes · 02/11/2014 00:06

I'm feeling very disillusioned tonight about relationships

Me too Imperial.

notthatshesaid · 02/11/2014 00:30

Have you had sex therapy and if not why not? Have you discussed exactly what he hates about it?

I think some people have been unfair to you, I can imagine it has hurt you dreadfully over the years. It's a rejection and a lack of something that can be very special. I love kissing my do. When I was single,a really great kiss was the thing I fantasised about the most. I can't imagine going 17 years with the person you loved not kissing you. He owes it to you to try his best to tackle this, even if the end result is he just can't. I hope a good sex therapist might be able to help though.

redviolin · 02/11/2014 00:36

I am another one who does not kiss much with my DH. In the early stages of dating we did a lot of handholding and cuddling and were very intimate. I think we even had sex without snogging at all.

I think that he doesn't feel the need to do it and it's not important enough to me to be a deal breaker. I like smelling him more - different parts of his face and neck, and may throw an odd peck in their somewhere.

He said once that when he kisses he feels like he can't breathe/is suffocating

LindyHemming · 02/11/2014 04:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dinnerfor1 · 02/11/2014 06:33

I really dislike full-on kissing. I never really enjoyed it when I was dating people and would generally avoid it. I just hate the feeling of it. I also really hate the word snog.

However, I do always kiss my dh goodnight or goodbye, but it's more like a peck. I'm also very affectionate in other ways, like tight hugging, cuddling on the sofa, touches when he walks past and massages. It's just full-on kisses I can't cope with! During sex he kisses my kneck and other places, but never my face.

I'd be devestated if I knew he was thinking of leaving me just because I don't full-on kiss him. But he knows that I adore and fancy him, and as I've said, he does get plenty of affection in other ways.

Vanillepudding · 02/11/2014 07:13

I cannot imagine my DH (of 17 years) not wanting to kiss me.

In your shoes I'd ask him to go to couple therapy. I find it really weird and calculating that he stopped kissing on honeymoon

Your feelings are valid op.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 02/11/2014 07:20

How awful, no kissing during sex. And no kissing during the day. I feel for you OP. There's something rather lovely with have a song with your DH whilst the children are playing in the other room.

OP, the fact that during sex he will kiss anywhere but your face really does make me wonder about whether there is perhaps a breath issue. I hate to say that, as it's horribly personal, but it might be worth considering.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/11/2014 08:13

I would assume it's rather that kissing is too intimate an act than a breath issue.

As someone said up thread, you need to be on the same page to kiss someone. Personally I think something is amiss if kisses don't happen naturally. Mind you the way some posters are describing why they don't like kissing-saliva, tongue poking, suffocating-I'm hardly surprised they avoid kissing!

Vanillepudding · 02/11/2014 08:24

But like with everything, the way you like to be kissed can be discussed in a relationship. We sure had some adjustment time, and we were very young and inexperienced when we first got together.
The categorical way the op decribes her dh not kissing her, even discussing it when he knows the relationship is at breaking point - and assuming as op said everything else is ok - just seems very odd.

Plus it doesn't seem honest to stop kissing as soon as the wedding is over. To me that shows he knows it would be a serious problem for you op.

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lacksdirection · 02/11/2014 13:49

My xp didn't like kissing. We didn't discuss it for years. I didn't want to make him do something he didn't want to do and whenever I raised the subject, it felt like he was making an effort on my behalf but was really not enjoying it at all, so I stopped bringing it up and we didn't talk about it for years.
Eventually, I became more and more paranoid. Was it my breath? Did my mouth taste nasty? Was it too wet? Just irritating?
He'd never really given me a particular reason. I became obsessive about oral hygiene and over the years, just came to the conclusion it was me with the problem.
Then we talked about it and I told him how important it was to me. I also told him that I just wanted to know why he didn't like it because I was paranoid it was my oral hygiene and he took a deep breath and said he didn't like it because he didn't really know what he was doing, he didn't feel confident, and he had carried the thought that he was a rubbish kisser for years so didn't want to do it.
Apparently, an ex gf had told him he was a crap kisser when he was just starting out and it had become become a habit from then on to avoid kissing wherever possible.

He made a lot more effort after that but he wasn't a good kisser and I never did work out a sensitive way to tell him without risking eroding the little bit of confidence he found from feeling like he was doing ok at kissing so I said nothing.
Is it possible your DH doesn't feel he is very good at it and therefore doesn't want to do it OP?

whois · 02/11/2014 14:11

I don't like that he stopped kissing on your honey moon, it's like he hid the issue.

I think I'd make couple counselling/sex therapy whatever you want to call it a non negotiable step in order to try and save the relationship.

I don't think I could be in a relationship without kissing, to me it's something extremely intimate and enjoyable and I'd be very hurt if DP rejected me by refusing to kiss me.

LadyLuck10 · 02/11/2014 14:40

If this is the one thing he is unable to do can you just leave it at that. You would be extremely foolish to leave what sounds like a great relationship over this. Some people just don't like it. He seems a good personal overall, so put it into perspective and appreciate what you have.

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