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AIBU?

In needing my husband to kiss me

87 replies

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 20:22

Anyone else suffer from this? He adores me, works hard for the family,is giving and intimate in bed yada yada yada...but he can't and won't kiss. After 17 years of trying to understand I'm struggling and we are now discussing separation . I love him but just don't know how to reconcile this with my need for a snog.
I'm close to leaving. Am ibu ?

OP posts:

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Standinginline · 01/11/2014 21:04

I'm not a fan of kissing either. During the day my partner has to prompt me for a peck and if he wants a "snog" then I'll give it to him but I get impatient and try to make it as short as possible. We kiss during sex but that's only because it feels like you should kiss. I don't say "love you " either.
This doesn't mean I don't love him, I love him a LOT and always look forward to our cuddles. I'm just not that into emotion unfortunately for partner as he's the complete opposite.

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 21:05

I don't want him to 'show willing' though . It's horrid if someone does that just to shut you up . It's as repulsive for me then .
I know what will happen , I'll stay cos I love him and for the kids . But the frustration will grow and then we will be another couple headed for the scrap heap .

OP posts:

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 21:05

Sorry , he stopped on honeymoon . Seriously .

OP posts:

saintsandpoets · 01/11/2014 21:08

How does sex start if he doesn't snog you?

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 21:10

Gamer
But it represents so much more than an act surely . Kisses have inspired great works of art, literature , music . It's much more than a snog .

OP posts:

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 21:12

Sex takes an age to start without kisses. It's like the bloody teenage tentative first steps .

OP posts:

gamerchick · 01/11/2014 21:14

I don't like snogging much or I have to be really in the mood. There are other ways to start sex. It's a total sensory thing and nothing to do about how much I fancy my husband which I can't put into words how much I adore him.

if he was thinking about leaving me and forcing me to do counseling and all that cobblers because I don't want to do something intimate it would kill slowly the love.

You can't force somebody to like something or even trying to make them is cruel imo.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 01/11/2014 21:18

Kissing is incredibly intense and it's hard to fake it. OP I don't blame you for feeling like leaving and feeling so down about it. I'd be very uncomfortable having sex with a man who avoided my face. I'd imagine all sorts as I am sure you do.

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2014 21:26

He stopped kissing you on honeymoon? That is really shocking. I can't see anything other than he knew you wouldn't be interested in him unless he kissed you.

Have you asked him whether he enjoyed kissing you when you were dating?

I really feel for you that you've had to live like that. I'm single and would love to be with someone, but if he didn't want to kiss me, I wouldn't be interested at all (and would be insulted, tbh.)

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 21:30

I'm not forcing him to kiss me . I want him to want to .

OP posts:

Pandora37 · 01/11/2014 21:31

Interesting that you say he kissed you before marriage then stopped after. He stopped kissing you on your honeymoon?! So basically he was kissing you before marriage because he knew it's what you wanted and then as soon as he knew you were married, he thought great, I can stop kissing her now. That is incredibly unfair. Were you together long before you got married? I'm wondering how he managed to hide his dislike of kissing for so long. Did he ever mention it at all before you married?

I'm not surprised you're upset by this, especially as he switched so suddenly. It's obviously been eating away at you for a long time. If you've been for couple's counselling and all that then I don't really know what to suggest. Even if he did start kissing every now and again to please you you'll know deep down that he doesn't really want to sp that's not going to really resolve the problem. Unfortunately, I think you're just going to have to decide whether the life you have with him now is worth going the rest of your life without ever being kissed again. You've gone 17 years (and I commend you as I don't think I could have done) so maybe you can carry on or maybe now you've just had enough and snapped. It does sound like the latter but ultimately of course it's your decision. Many people will say it's a trivial reason to end a marriage but it's something that's making you deeply unhappy and frustrated, it must be an exhausting thing to live with.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 01/11/2014 21:40

I'm rarely in the mood for a big proper tongue-based snog. But not having a nice gentle peck on the lips would really upset me. It would feel almost pointed.
I think he should give it a go- it doesn't have to be much. It probably isn't that he doesn't like it, but that it doesn't feel natural so he just feels silly now because it's been too long.

I never call my dh by his first name. Ever. No reason for it, I just don't. We evolved that way. It's now been years and years and if I suddenly addressed him like that, he would express huge surprise and laugh and I would feel so silly. But if he wanted me to, I would give it a go. I'd feel stupid and conspicuous at first but I'd get used to it. That's what your dh needs to do with the kissing. Just get rid of the mental block.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/11/2014 21:46

It would be a deal breaker for me. How can he be intimate with you if he doesn't kiss you?

Sorry OP, I'd be out the door, but I get the feeling you have one foot over the threshold already.

ControlGeek · 01/11/2014 21:50

Some people just don't like a snog though. I am very similar to your DP - I would kiss my DP when we were first together because I felt it was expected, but actually hated every moment of it. Once we were an established couple I gradually dropped it. Perhaps I'm lucky that DP doesn't appear that bothered by it (he knows I have saliva ishoos, and occasionally if I get drunk enough I will go for it) but it's not everybody's cup of tea. That said, it sounds like it is a major deal for you not to have this. I've no advice there, other than it might be as horrible for your DP to snog as it is for you not to. Perhaps a compromise could be reached of other body parts being kissed, since he's ok with the cheek kissing? Or 'dry lips' kissing?

textingdisaster · 01/11/2014 21:52

Interesting thread as I am in the same position waltons - my h doesn't kiss me either (though will once sex has started, but mainly because I kiss him). Our relationship is not close or good sadly, but even when it was better he didn't kiss. It also makes/made me sad particularly because I remember the heady days of kissing endlessly (not that I still want to kiss endlessly). In our case the kissing stopped because we had been avoiding it due to having colds and then never got back into the habit. Or rather h didn't as he is the one who dictated what happened. Now he'll see people kissing on the TV and say "urgh" . I remember a few years ago I lifted my mouth up to be kissed and he made a sarcastic comment asking why I was offering my mouth. I have not tried a kiss on the lips (outside of infrequent sex) since.

I understand your frustration and sadness waltons. What reasons does your dh give for not liking kissing?

fourwoodenchairs · 01/11/2014 21:58

My DO is what you describe, perfect in everyway. He's just not overly affectionate with kisses and cuddles. I've learnt over the years that he just shows it in other ways.

The grass isn't greener and you would be unreasonable to separate over this. If you can, find a way to compromise.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 01/11/2014 22:04

In my experience kissing only comes when you're both on the exact same page emotionally and physically. If there are any unresolved arguments or bitterness then it's like kissing a liar.....and it feels awful.

LuluJakey1 · 01/11/2014 22:07

Does he hug and cuddle you- outside of sex? Is he physically intimate in other ways - eye contact, flirting with you, holding hands, touching you when he passes you, shared secret smiles and jokes, sitting on the sofa cuddled up, putting his arm around you?
I can't comprehend the no contact with your face. It seems very strange.
I can see how some people would find very passionate kissing- tongues etc- off-putting but not any facial contact. I couldn't deal with it. I would feel unattractive to him- it's like sex with my body but not me.

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2014 22:21

But how can anyone say the OP is unreasonable to separate over this, when she has said how devastating she finds it and also when she says he did do it up to the wedding?

And how the hell can she compromise?

fourwoodenchairs · 01/11/2014 22:24

By compromise I mean talk to him, tell him how she feels. See If he can meet her half way by trying a peck on the lips before he goes to work or after he comes home. Small steps. This is what I had to do with my DP.

Bodicea · 01/11/2014 22:28

Really feel for you op. My ex before I met my husband hated kissing and was generally a bit unaffectionate He used to push me off him sometimes saying he Couldn't breathe. I was very hurt by it all and it completely knocked my confidence. I totally understand your need for kissing! My husband is totally different and we kiss all the time, there is a lot more natural affection and chemistry.
I suppose it depends if you feel everything else is there - the affection, chemistry etc.

dementedma · 01/11/2014 22:31

I hate kissing my dh and avoid it at all costs.

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gamerchick · 01/11/2014 22:32

I'm not saying the OP is unreasonable for separating over this. what is unreasonable is expecting him to sort it out and like it.

If you don't like something then you don't like it. You can as a person who doesn't like something decide you want to desensitise yourself to something or whathaveyou to gain confidence in an intimate thing or whatever but the second you partner puts the pressure on as a must then it's game over.

Waltonswatcher · 01/11/2014 22:33

Some really relevant posts here. I truly need all this input as I want to understand his side fully .
The rejection I have felt for so long has now overwhelmed everything . My self worth physically has worn away .
You do blame yourself . How can you not?
I don't understand why he has never even tried- I mean in the early days when it was a niggle not an issue . It's now so huge it's the third person in our bed.
I can't watch movies because my guts will literally spasm when there's kiss.

OP posts:

textingdisaster · 01/11/2014 22:35

Does he hug and cuddle you- outside of sex? Is he physically intimate in other ways - eye contact, flirting with you, holding hands, touching you when he passes you, shared secret smiles and jokes, sitting on the sofa cuddled up, putting his arm around you? I know this thread is not about me but my h does none of those things ever as well as the no kissing . Weird how it's possible to live in a love free "marriage" and almost convince yourself it's okay.

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