House party with alcohol, DD 15. wwyd?

[Gymbob]

She's been invited to her first house party. The parents are supervising as there is a 9 year old brother inviting some of his friends. All ok. Then she casually mentioned last night that they are allowing alcohol to be consumed in the garden. I was like . She said it's ok I won't get drunk. She has definitely never drunk any alcohol before. I have got the parents number to ring. The party is tonight. All the kids attending the party are under age.

She didn't have to tell me that there will be booze there, but as I'm picking DD and her friend up it may have become apparent.

DH says we can't condone that, and I agree.

Am I over reacting?

Any opinions at all would be fab, before I wade in with my size nines

I'm still utterly baffled as to what the street has to do with the attitude to alcohol in the household?!

OP, do you think your DD is worried about the alcohol at the party, because of her family history, which is why she has mentioned it to you?

I was going to say you are over reacting, I was nightclubbing at 15. However I think the fact she is in foster care and there are alcohol issues with her birth fsmily puts a different light on it. I think you need a sensible chat about drinking and what is appropriate. Teenagers aren't that generous so presumably unless she takes her own she won't actually have much access to alcohol.

Teenagers aren't that generous so presumably unless she takes her own she won't actually have much access to alcohol true, although there does seem to be quite a bit of vodka floating around and boys willing to share with girls

Sorry, that wasn't meant to worry you, OP. No one seems to force others to drink at any of the parties DD has been to.

Drinking in private homes is perfectly legal for 15 year olds, and just because it is available does not mean that your child will drink it, let alone get drink.

And since it is legal I think you need to be very careful wading in and telling other parents how to supervise their child's parties.

I also think you need to be very careful wrt adding in to protect your dd. She DID tell you, and may well feel embarrassed and betrayed if, instead of using this opportunity to meet her trust with a sensible talk about how she feels about this and how she would handle any peer pressure, you call up the other parents, make a scene and ensure that this is not only the first, but last party she gets invited to.

However her history as a vulnerable young person and the context of alcohol is a pretty massive drip feed.

I would quell your feelings of outrage and lack of 'condoning' etc and just talk with her. Work out how she will resist any peer pressure, or talk about anything that might upset her. At 15 she is entering the years when friends will start to drink - hopefully only weak drinks, and do it responsibly. But from now on you can't just adopt a 'shut it out' approach. IMO.

If there is peer pressure the 'outside only' policy is the prefect get out: she can wear something thin and just say it's too cold outside.

There used t be a wise teen-parenting-MNer who gave her kids a secret code: If they texted a certain innocuous phrase the parent would send a text saying 'Oh no - have to come and collect you early because we need to take the cat to the vets, coming in 10 mins' or whatever, and the teen could use this as a way to leave early while saving face.

Give her choices and strategies...and don't over-react.

I'd be giving some thought to the friend that you are picking up. You may be able to trust your DD but can you trust her friend? Are you just giving her a lift home or is she staying over? If she is staying over I would make it crystal clear that she isn't allowed to drink and that if she does her parents will have to collect her from the party.
It's one thing to deal with your own child but I refuse to be responsible for someone else's drunk child and I certainly don't won't to clear up anyone elses vomit .
I didn't mind my DC drinking at that age but that was because my DC hardly drink. I like to pick them up myself so I can check they are safe and so I can chat with them.

Thanks all! I digested all your advice and opinions, and in the end I think I have done the right thing....well I hope I have.

I rang the mum who is overseeing the party. She was so lovely, said quite a few mums had rung, and that she would not be supplying alcohol. she would be allowing low alcohol drinks, and some of the boys were taking one bottle of beer or lager. She will not be allowing anyone to over indulge, and no rowdy behaviour.

I felt reassured and have allowed DD to go. She has assured me she won't be drinking. We'll see how it goes. I'm picking her and her friend up at 10pm and the friend is staying with us tonight. if the friend is worse for wear, she will be taken home.

I will update on how it went, thanks all

Sounds like a good plan. Hope it all goes well.

(low alcohol of course)

And op how great that she shared that with you.

It's a tricky time.

Toddlers/babies are sooooo easy.

She sounds like a sensible Mum, you sound like a sensible Mum, your dd sounds like a sensible teen - so hopefully all will have a lovely fun time

Just beware the bottles of vodka in the boys backpacks

Thanks for your kind words.....yes Tilly, the host mum did say she couldn't control what they downed before they arrived either!

It is so hard watching them grow up and just wanting to keep them safe. Especially when your DD has had such bad experiences when she was tiny.

Fingers crossed she gives you all the gossip when she gets in!

Where we live it is illegal to allow under-21s to drink so it's a simple 'no' from me. it sounds like in your case it all be ok though op.

Update!

I agreed to pick them up at 10pm, DD rang at 9.00pm and asked if I could pick them up any earlier. I couldn't as I was out with the dog, 20 mins from home, then 25 min journey to other side of town to get them. They wanted to come home, as it was boring, and everyone else had gone home! I ordered them a taxi in the end.

They're both here now, stone cold sober and glad to be back, pigging out in the kitchen on garlic bread and pizza left from our takeaway!!

DD did say that one girl at the party said she had vodka in a water bottle, and was swaying about and acting drunk. DD thought she was faking it, and looked pathetic!!

All that about nothing!

Gym bob im glad everything worked out in the end, is so easy to imagine the worst case scenario for the future I would make sure your daughter can talk to you about this kind of stuff, which it seems like she can which is great.

When I was younger my parents split when I was in my dads care he would not allow drink and so I pushed boundaries but in my mums care she was laid back but careful so I would have a few alcopops with her and then go to bed she watched what I took and made sure I understood everything.

The end result I eventually had a good talk with my dad and explained I can control what I drink. Then when I went on holiday with him and family he allowed me to have a few alcopops and I didn't feel the need to push it because I had an open relationship with him. Please keep this with your daughter maybe in a year or two have a small night in and a glass of wine and enjoy her company

I think sometimes the idea of a party is more fun than the actual party at 15/16. I found its an awkward age for them to have parties as they don't quite know what to do at them.

I had a few requests for early collections around that age.

Glad it worked out ok anyhow.

Glad it all went well.

My then twelve-year-old dd went to a thirteen-year-olds birthday party where there was alcohol being served. Fortunately I had stayed to chat with the the mother, my neighbour, when I saw this. So I was able to have a good talk with my dd about how alcohol releases inhibitions and the problems involved and how the children of alcoholics (my father and a lot of his family) are supposedly more susceptible to alcoholism.

She is nearly 30 now and hardly ever has a drink.

Gymbob, glad it all went well. I agree, it is so easy to imagine worst case scenario until they have been to a few.

Mexican, that's interesting. My father was an alcoholic (and his dad and only brother) and I went through a long stage (late teens to about 30) of drinking a lot - who said binge-drinking is a new thing? It obviously didn't put me off even though life was awful because of his alcoholism, but now I drink a lot less than most of my friends.

I do believe there's an argument for supplying them with alcohol you've chosen for them, rather than risking them experimenting with spirits etc. My brother's 20 now, but my mum would send him to house parties with a 4 pack of light beer to stop him doing what I did which was sneaking out to an off licence for a bottle of martini (I know, classy) or vodka.

I have a 17 year old boy who doesn't really like drinking much, (and hates the idea of getting drunk) but he does have a couple of drinks at a party to 'fit in'. He took a couple of bottles of fosters radlers at his last party, it's 2.0 % ,and apparently quite a trendy drink at the moment. He's also had smirnoff ice, but preferred the radlers.

The party my 14yo DD went to last night apparently had no alcohol supplied officially, but some of the guests smuggled it in and brought vodka in water bottles, and DD says that many of the kids have fake IDs. And also smoke weed. I'm glad she is sensible enough not to do this, but realistically, I guess there is a fair chance she will try it some time.

Majestic, that is how it is round here. It's scary, when it's your own precious DC. There are also known shops which will sell vodka to underage teens (though they look at least 20!)

DD is allowed to take fruit cider to parties ATM - I figured that a couple of bottles (with the lowest alcohol I could find!) would be better than them swigging back the boys vodka.

DS is 15 and went to a Hallowe'en party last night. It seems to be the thing now where they can take alcohol if they want. The girl's mum was there. I gave DS a bottle of 2.8% beer to take and the rule was that he could have that but nothing else alcoholic. It's the same as I'd allow him occasionally at home. And it's about him earning my trust, which he is.

Thank you for the update Gymbob - I've been lurking as my DS is 15. He has an older DS but her partying was minimal until she was 17.

I have some advice! At this age they're capable of such a lot - but they still get the details of things wrong, get the wrong end of the stick etc . So you need to ask them very specific precise questions to find out what the actual situation is. You did the right thing in phoning the parent - technically they were allowed to bring alcohol, but it wasn't quite as straightforward as that.

Other examples of this sort of minor miscommunication I've experienced are: we're allowed to sleepover - turned out the parent had said that anyone who couldn't get home because they lived a long way away could stay, but it wasn't an open invitation to anyone. IYSWIM