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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House party with alcohol, DD 15. wwyd?

100 replies

Gymbob · 01/11/2014 08:33

She's been invited to her first house party. The parents are supervising as there is a 9 year old brother inviting some of his friends. All ok. Then she casually mentioned last night that they are allowing alcohol to be consumed in the garden. I was like Shock. She said it's ok I won't get drunk. She has definitely never drunk any alcohol before. I have got the parents number to ring. The party is tonight. All the kids attending the party are under age.

She didn't have to tell me that there will be booze there, but as I'm picking DD and her friend up it may have become apparent.

DH says we can't condone that, and I agree.

Am I over reacting?

Any opinions at all would be fab, before I wade in with my size nines Smile

OP posts:
afterthought · 01/11/2014 10:52

I am not a parent although I am form tutor to a class of year 11 girls (had them for year 10 last year). I think experimenting with alcohol at this age is completely normal from their tales on a Monday morning. I am least concerned about the ones who drink in a controlled environment and who talk to their parents about it. Just because the alcohol consumption will be in the garden I don't think you can assume it will be 'unsupervised' as the parents can still be in the garden - I would imagine it is more to do with spillages etc.

After lots of training in risk taking behaviour in teens I think the worst thing you can do is to tell them 'no' as if they are going to do it, they will do it anyway. The best thing, in my opinion, is to teach your daughter to assess situations and decide what is right for her - and to have the confidence to say no if she isn't happy with what is going on and know what to do if that happens.

I realise my views may be completely different if I had a child of my own!

Coconutty · 01/11/2014 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeenAndTween · 01/11/2014 10:59

I wouldn't be happy with sending my 9 year old to a party where there would be a load of 14/15 year olds drinking.

Yes, they might be keeping youngsters in the house, and saying drink in the garden, but then the teens will come in to the house possibly quite the worse for wear.

I view that quite differently from a mixed age get together where some adults are drinking moderately and sensibly.

Original poster
Gymbob · 01/11/2014 11:19

sorry was trying to be brief!

I mean she knows all about her mum's drinking, knows what it does to her, knows the dangers, knows that she doesn't like her being drunk, as that means she is dirty and unkempt.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/11/2014 11:23

That sounds as though she's (unfortunately) well-informed about alcohol abuse Gym. What about her own limits. She says she won't get drunk but I think you said she doesn't drink with you - so how will she know?

whatever5 · 01/11/2014 11:29

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. You have to wonder about the common sense of parents who actively condone drinking among children of this age. My parents ended up taking a someone to hospital after he got drunk at my party when I was 15 (they hadn't allowed alcohol but someone sneaked it in).

R4roger · 01/11/2014 11:32

it is the sneaking in that probably causes the problem? if the parents know there is alcohol at least they know they can keep an eye

Original poster
Gymbob · 01/11/2014 11:33

She says she doesn't want to take any booze herself, she says she doesn't even like the taste. but she is vulnerable and impressionable so I think that peer pressure may be the problem

OP posts:
Bakeoffcakes · 01/11/2014 11:37

The type of house they live in will have absolutely no indication of what type of party your dd will be attending!

I have let my DDs go to parties at 15. However I didn't let them take alcohol and I picked them up at 10.30. I also let them drink alcohol at home, under our supervision, but any for ends coming weren't allowed to bring alcohol.

So I would let your dd go, but I'd pick her up, relatively early, and I wouldn't let her take alcohol.

whatever5 · 01/11/2014 11:37

it is the sneaking in that probably causes the problem? if the parents know there is alcohol at least they know they can keep an eye

I think that it would be much harder to keep an eye on it if you have a allowed alcohol. It would be impossible to actively monitor exactly how much people are drinking especially if they are drinking in the garden. Much easier to say "no alcohol" and that you will be sending children home or stopping the party if you discover any. I'm sure that some children will still sneak (or try to sneak) alcohol in anyway but is likely that over all consumption will very probably be lower.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 11:42

She says she doesn't want to take any booze herself, she says she doesn't even like the taste. but she is vulnerable and impressionable so I think that peer pressure may be the problem

Talk to her about "peer pressure"? Tell her a time you submitted to peer pressure and a time you stood up against it? Discuss the costs and benefits of each? Ask her what her experiences of peer pressure have been so far?

halfthewaytothemoon · 01/11/2014 11:43

You will always been the best judge of what is right for your family. Both my DCs went to their first alcohol party at 16, neither consumed any, even when offered.
some YP were so drunk they could not walk home. Alcohol poisoning is a real danger for YP who do not understand the risks associated with drinking...especially spirits.
We have tried to educate DCs about responsible drinking and what is safe.

MaitlandGirl · 01/11/2014 11:48

DD2 was 14 yesterday and had a sleepover with 6 of her school friends 14/15 yr olds) and I told them upfront that anyone found with alcohol/smokes/drugs would be asked to leave and their parents told why. They're all underage and there's no reason for them to be drinking or smoking.

DD1 (16) often has group sleepovers with her friends and all the parents say the exact same thing.

We live in a country with a big drinking culture but I won't allow underage drinking and the kids all respect that.

Personally I don't allow the kids anywhere if underage drinking is likely - my children, my decision.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 12:38

What do you think they'll being doing regarding alcohol when they're 18 or 22 Maitland and why?

emanresU · 01/11/2014 12:46

I'm sorry but I don't think it's necessary to supply alcohol to 15 yr olds - I just don't understand why this is deemed necessary at all

MaitlandGirl · 01/11/2014 12:59

Vivacia they have all been told about sensible and safe drinking, my eldest is 18 and doesn't drink at all.

The adults in the family rarely drink but when we do they see us sticking to our own personal limits and not drinking to excess. They've all heard about school friends and cousins drinking too much and how it's affected them and none of them want that to be them.

I'm very lucky as the kids don't have an interest in alcohol and the older 2 understand that any alcohol showing on a roadside breath test will result in an automatic ban (until they're on unrestricted licences) and transport is more important to them than drinking.

ByTheSea · 01/11/2014 13:02

DD1-15 is in Year 11 and has recently been to a couple of parent-supervised parties where there has been alcohol. We have allowed her to take a small amount and she has been sensible with it. I'd rather be in the know than not. We have let her have a small glass of wine etc on holidays for years, so it is not her first drink ever. One of her friends did overdo it at the last party and DD and her other friends were not impressed.

43percentburnt · 01/11/2014 13:05

It's great that she has mentioned it to you. Year 10/11 seems to be when teenagers start drinking. Maybe they shouldn't be drinking but it will start sometime and I doubt it will be the day they turn 18!

Use this as a reason to discuss alcohol, I would buy a bottle of alcopop or weak cider, then explain that you would prefer her to avoid spirits and explain that it can take an hour or so for the effect of alcohol to hit you so don't drink quickly. I would tell her I trust her to be sensible. I would also say that if they ever ever need me because a friend or herself is in a difficult situation then ring me I may be grumpy but I will help them straight away.

I have a teenager and this has worked for me. I also tell her to drink from bottles wherever possible, never leave your bottle unattended, leave with a trusted friend only. At some point they will go to university I don't want her inexperience to make her vulnerable.

Siarie · 01/11/2014 13:06

You are deffo over reacting lol

Nelehwelly · 01/11/2014 13:16

I was drinking in bars in town when I was 15, which involved a lot of dishonesty re my parents, and getting public transport home. Many of my friends did this too. I shudder to think about it now.

A controlled environment with parents present is by far the safer option. Not all 15 year olds will want to drink, but many will and an outright ban probably makes it more desirable and exciting.

I've actually just remembered a couple of school trips aged 15/16 where the teachers asked us just to stick to a couple of drinks each and not get legless. Bet that wouldn't happen now!

LilyPotter · 01/11/2014 13:40

Glad I stumbled across this thread - dd (16) is going to a house party (parents will be there, as it's a joint 18th/silver wedding bash) this evening and wants to take a bottle of wine. We've just sat and read this thread together.
Have heard all sorts of tales about various friends of hers during the course of this chat Shock. Dd has the odd glass of wine at home, and has had vodka at a few parties before now, so have just had the "eat first, drink plenty of water, know your limits and keep safe" chat. She has solemnly pledged she has never, and will never touch drugs though. She has some underlying health issues that makes that even more dodgy.
Fingers crossed for tonight.

LilyPotter · 01/11/2014 13:42

By the way, the size and location of the house bears NO relation to the attitude of the parents towards alcohol. To say that some of the wealthiest people I know, in the largest houses, are laissez-faire about it is an understatement.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 13:46

It sounds as though abstinence has worked for you and your children Maitland. Thanks for sharing your experience.

500smiles · 01/11/2014 13:53

"I'm sorry but I don't think it's necessary to supply alcohol to 15 yr olds - I just don't understand why this is deemed necessary at all"

It's not, same as it's not necessary for me at 45 to drink alcohol, but if your DC's social circle are having alcohol at parties then you need to decide the best way to handle it for your family

We have been open and relaxed about alcohol with our DCs, they have seen us enjoy a glass of wine, and on the odd occasion over-indulge and suffer for it the next day, so there have been discussions about knowing your limits, and stopping at them, personal safety, consequences etc.

Would I rather that my DCs didn't drink at 15? Probably...but I'd rather that they learnt their limits in a safe environment at 15, than were banned until they were 18, went off to Uni and went crazy on cheap booze, in an unfamiliar town, without good friends to look out for them.

bigTillyMint · 01/11/2014 13:56

Very true LilyPotter - most of the teens who started having/going to parties the youngest were from the educated/professional/MC families round here.

OP, I completely get what you are saying. However, by Y10/11 many teens are going to parties and many are drinking. There have been some lurid tales about goings on at local parties, but on the whole, nothing too terrible (although when you are a parent, they seem so young still. Even if you were drinking yourself at 15!) If she is able to talk to you about what goes on and you can chat/advise, then that is really great.

It sounds like your DD is very sensible and will be watching what happens at this party and learning. She may try some alcohol too. But she will be nearby and you can keep checking on her via text/phone that all is OK and if necessary pick her up early.

She has to start somewhere!