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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be bothered by this in the slightest?

57 replies

jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:12

I haven't been with my DP for all that long, and he has often referred to something he'd done in his past that he was ashamed of and made him disgusted with himself, going so far as to say that it's evidence he's not a good person etc., but that a certain group of his friends often joke about. Seeing as I'm meeting this group of friends for the first time next week, and because he was pissed had been drinking, he finally told me what it was.

Now from his self-loathing and shame I'd been expecting something evil or manipulative or malicious. Turns out a few years ago he was on a lads weekend in Amsterdam, had got a bit drunk and depressed, and to cheer him up his friend had slipped him some money and pointed him in the direction of a particularly attractive prostitute, with whom he spent half hour or so.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I know it should, but I just see it as he was young, drunk, clearly deeply regrets it and it's in the past. He's shocked by my laid-back reaction and is convinced I must be disgusted with him. I'm not.

AIBU to not think any less of him? I feel like it would be normal to.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 31/10/2014 20:13

I think he sounds a nicer more thoughtful person than you.

raltheraffe · 31/10/2014 20:15

If he was still frequenting brothels it would be a pretty major issue.

A one-off incident a few years ago, you are right not to bother.

WestEast · 31/10/2014 20:15

I wouldn't be able to view my DP through the same eyes if I found out he had done that. I'm not sure I could even be with him.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 31/10/2014 20:16

Depends - would you be bothered if he wasn't ashamed?

raltheraffe · 31/10/2014 20:17

seriouslyffs how is that then? OP has not done anything nasty or unkind, so how can you draw the conclusion he is a nicer and more thoughtful person than her?

Just for reference seriouslyffs what is the correct protocol for dealing with the "OH once shagged a pro" situation?

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/10/2014 20:18

I think it's good that it doesn't bother you. After all it occurred before you got together so I don't see why he regrets it or feels disgusted with himself.

Original poster
jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:18

I think I would be bothered if he wasn't ashamed, but I know that he knows it's pretty vile, so I don't have any qualms about him, iyswim.

OP posts:
lomega · 31/10/2014 20:18

That was a bit uncalled for Seriouslyffs. She sounds very understanding, laid back, and non-judgemental, not sure why this makes her less nice/thoughtful than her dp. Unless I'm missing something?

OP YANBU. Everyone makes mistakes and he's admitted it/regrets it, and it's not like it's something heinous (unless the prostitute was underage or something, but I think you'd have mentioned that.)

Bowlersarm · 31/10/2014 20:20

Yanbu, I think I'd be the same. It's good that it's come out so early on in the relationship.

Original poster
jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:21

ralthegiraffe No, no, seriouslyffs is completely right, he is much nicer and more thoughtful than me!

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 31/10/2014 20:21

I would not hold that against him either.

groovyolmutha · 31/10/2014 20:22

Look, I know this might be construed as sexist, but don't be too accommodating to him:

  • in case he thinks, oh if she thinks that's ok, I'll do it again.
  • there is mileage in him thinking he needs to make it up to you (I know it was before he met you but if he still feels guilty .....)
N.B. I've been around a bit and might be a bit jaded!

Actually he sounds genuinely remorseful and nice. Not that going to a prostitute when you are a single man is wrong just, some would say, a bit sad or in this case something which seemed like a good idea in the context of drunken laddery..

sausagefries · 31/10/2014 20:23

If he is that deeply ashamed of it I would wonder if he was downplaying it a bit. But of course you know him well, does it seem like he would do that?

Otherwise, you are not being unreasonable. I wouldn't be bothered either but I would make it clear that it is not acceptable to do ever again, no matter how drunk he gets.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 31/10/2014 20:23

I don't see why he regrets it or feels disgusted with himself.

Well he's treated a woman as a non-human thing to have sex on - I think I'd be ashamed if I had done that.

If he regrets it and can see why it's wrong I think I'd be pleased he was honest and was capable of personal growth. If he thought it was great or hilarious I'd give him a massive swerve.

onerepublic · 31/10/2014 20:26

It would bother me.

He was a bit drunk and depressed? So what happens next time he's feeling a bit drunk and depressed.

It's good that he recognises it was a terrible thing, because it was.

How can anyone pay to use someone else's body like that?

onerepublic · 31/10/2014 20:27

His friends sound like utter wankers, btw.

bodhranbae · 31/10/2014 20:29

I spent a large amount of my youth shit faced in Amsterdam and yet never ended up shagging prostitutes.

Strange how when young men in Amsterdam or Bangkok or wherever end up with hookers it is only ever due to "innocent drunken laddish behaviour" - and they are always oh so remorseful now.

OP - if you aren't bothered by it then all is well and good.
In my experience once a man has paid for sex and has stepped over that boundary then it is easy to do it again.

snowmummy · 31/10/2014 20:30

An error of judgement that be clearly regrets..

Seriouslyffs · 31/10/2014 20:30

Yep! That was snippy of me. I guess I meant he made a mistake and the fact he now realises what a grim thing it was to do is to his credit. As to the 'correct' response, I guess a little disappointment that he wasn't perfect, but pleased that he acknowledged it was wrong and had been honest?! Your initial posted suggested you didn't care because it doesn't matter, whereas I guess you don't care because he seems repentant and won't do it again.

Original poster
jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:31

I'm sure he's being honest with me, I don't think there's anything he's downplaying here.

OP posts:
TallulahTwinkletoes · 31/10/2014 20:33

Is it what he did in that half hour or that it was a prostitute? Your attitude seems fine. His is a little extreme (for a one off) has he said why it fills him with such loathing and disgust?

BitchesGetStuffDone · 31/10/2014 20:34

I agree with onerepublic and also what sausagefries said about downplaying it. Perhaps something much worse went on.

While sex work can sometimes be a positive career for people who choose it (and it is safe etc.) I would worry about exploitation and if he would do it again in an illegal way.

Original poster
jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:34

I realise from my OP I sound like it doesn't bother me because it doesn't matter, which is wrong. It does matter, and is a vile thing to do, but he is so obviously sorry that it ever happened that I can't judge him for it, and so that he did ort doesn't bother me.

OP posts:
BrucieTheShark · 31/10/2014 20:34

Does nobody question his version of events here?

His friend slipped him the money and pointed him at the woman? Did he guide him in and and give him stage directions as well?

I call bullshit.

Original poster
jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:34

*did it

OP posts: