to not be bothered by this in the slightest?

[jammygem]

I haven't been with my DP for all that long, and he has often referred to something he'd done in his past that he was ashamed of and made him disgusted with himself, going so far as to say that it's evidence he's not a good person etc., but that a certain group of his friends often joke about. Seeing as I'm meeting this group of friends for the first time next week, and because he was pissed had been drinking, he finally told me what it was.

Now from his self-loathing and shame I'd been expecting something evil or manipulative or malicious. Turns out a few years ago he was on a lads weekend in Amsterdam, had got a bit drunk and depressed, and to cheer him up his friend had slipped him some money and pointed him in the direction of a particularly attractive prostitute, with whom he spent half hour or so.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I know it should, but I just see it as he was young, drunk, clearly deeply regrets it and it's in the past. He's shocked by my laid-back reaction and is convinced I must be disgusted with him. I'm not.

AIBU to not think any less of him? I feel like it would be normal to.

What is the question? If it is whether you are U or not to be bothered by it, of course YANBU.

If its whether anyone else would be bothered, then it depends on that person.

Personally, I would be. I get put off men quite easily, and that's one of the things that would put me off, because men that have slept around and/or not been that discerning sexually is a real turn off for me. It sort of lowers their standard in my eyes, and I don't see them as so desirable. Its a personal thing.

I can understand your reasoning though, and why personally, for you, his good points would minimise it.

I would guess though that you are being told a pretty sanitised version of it, and I would be a bit disappointed in the company he keeps, because I know quite a lot of men would be just as disgusted by using a prostitute as women would hearing about it. Meaning that I've heard them describing similar situations and being quite disgusted at the one guy who did go back with the prostitute for sex.

I wouldn't be bothered by it either. I don't think a man sleeping with a prostitute once makes him the devil incarnate. What would bother me is that he's still friends with these people who take the piss out of him for doing it and the endless telling you he's not a good person. I actually think it sounds like he has chronically low self esteem and is very easily led. Either that or he was banging on about it because he was afraid of how you'd react and thought he'd tell you what you wanted to hear.

If this is genuinely still bothering him years later then he needs help to learn how to forgive himself and move on from it, although I except the "friends" laughing at him frequently doesn't help. Personally, I'd be far more bothered that he's hanging around with people who like to essentially bully him. They sound like complete arseholes and he needs to find a backbone and ditch them.

I'm with Pandora. Best insight on this thread.

yanbu
everyone makes mistakes

he needs to let i go

You're all right about the "particularly attractive" comment, I will ask him to explain to me why that's even relevant.

I guess I posted because I felt my reaction couldn't be normal. He said I'm only the second person he's told who hasn't had a look of disgust on finding out, which is why he was so nervous about telling me.

To those that questioned his self-esteem: We're working together on his self-esteem issues, but I don't see that it's something so terrible - I'd rather help him to realise that he is a lovely, kind, good man, rather than leaving him and reinforcing his thoughts. I do think that particular group of friends has a lot to answer for, as he's mentioned other occasions where they've made him feel shit, but seeing as I haven't even met them, I'm not sure it's my place to say anything.

It would bother me a great deal as i think the sex industry is abhorrent, but the fact that he is repentant and ashamed would speak volumes to me. Everyone makes mistakes. He defnintely needs to ditch the childish bullying friends. What he did wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but to hang around with people that think what he did is OK, and think it is FUNNY would be.

I guess I posted because I felt my reaction couldn't be normal

Could this be because you dont actually feel ok with it despite really wanting to? What i am reading from your posts is that you very much want to help this guy be a better person, have improved self esteem, lose his crappy mates. You seem to have some idea that he isnt actually his real self and you are going to help him be that real, better person. Be careful. Who he is right now is who he is. Dont ignore what he is telling you. His mates are people who have been around a long time and who he chooses to have in his life. You are a relatively new love interest who he is still on 'impressing' status with so be careful when you believe stories that blame his friends for all his flaws and behaviours. Its actually quite a transparent facade when you arent looking through lovestruck eyes. Imagine if this was a cousin of yours telling you these things that your boyfriend has. Would you be as keen to help him be a better person or would you think "christ man take some responsibility for your own behaviour"? You dont have to 'save' him from himself or his mates. Who he is right now is who he is and who you are choosing to be with. Be sure that is what you want and not some ideal version of him you think you can create.