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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be bothered by this in the slightest?

57 replies

jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:12

I haven't been with my DP for all that long, and he has often referred to something he'd done in his past that he was ashamed of and made him disgusted with himself, going so far as to say that it's evidence he's not a good person etc., but that a certain group of his friends often joke about. Seeing as I'm meeting this group of friends for the first time next week, and because he was pissed had been drinking, he finally told me what it was.

Now from his self-loathing and shame I'd been expecting something evil or manipulative or malicious. Turns out a few years ago he was on a lads weekend in Amsterdam, had got a bit drunk and depressed, and to cheer him up his friend had slipped him some money and pointed him in the direction of a particularly attractive prostitute, with whom he spent half hour or so.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I know it should, but I just see it as he was young, drunk, clearly deeply regrets it and it's in the past. He's shocked by my laid-back reaction and is convinced I must be disgusted with him. I'm not.

AIBU to not think any less of him? I feel like it would be normal to.

OP posts:

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 31/10/2014 20:35

I think it depends how far in the past it was and whether he still hangs around with the same bunch of friends. Also, and most importantly, exactly why he thinks it was wrong. You'll learn a lot about his attitudes to women from that conversation.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/10/2014 20:36

If he'd be in a relationship at the time then he should feel disgusted and regretted it but he wasn't. A stupid thing to do yes, but stupid things get done.

As far as I can see nobody got hurt by it.

Catsarebastards · 31/10/2014 20:37

Tbh i wouldnt have stayed with him all the time not knowing what this awful thing was and it would be a bigger issue for me that he didnt tell the first time he referenced it.

The prostitute visit would bother me as well tbh. But i guess it depends whether you are sure he genuinely is a changed person.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/10/2014 20:37

But is there more to it?

Original poster

jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:42

He says he's disgusted with himself because it shows a complete lack of respect for women.

I do completely trusty him, and knowing him and having heard other tales of that particular friend, can see it being the sort of situation he'd get himself into when younger.

OP posts:

WD41 · 31/10/2014 20:42

Well, your DP is right. He isn't a good person, and he should be ashamed of himself.

YABU to not be bothered.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 31/10/2014 20:43

As far as I can see nobody got hurt by it.

Except quite probably the woman whose holes he rented, Mrs.

It is heinous, it is wrong and it causes a world of hurt.

How many here would remain undamaged by having sex with several men a day who they didn't fancy and who quite frequently physically repulsed them? - that's when it goes well. When it goes badly the violence is physical.

Original poster

jammygem · 31/10/2014 20:45

Catsarebastards Believe me, it had been worrying me what this thing in his past was, and it was because he finally realised just how worried I was that he couldn't trust me with it, that he told me. Although he claimed he was going to anyway because of meeting that group of friends next week.

OP posts:

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 31/10/2014 20:45

He says he's disgusted with himself because it shows a complete lack of respect for women.

He's right. My advice would be proceed with caution.

onerepublic · 31/10/2014 20:46

Well, he's telling you who he is.

You should listen.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2014 20:47

It wouldn't bother me. He did it, he regrets it, he wouldn't do it again because he is ashamed of it. End of story. I've done things I regret before we met and I'd hate if my DH held them against me or expected that because I did something once, it goes without saying that I'd do it again. And remember; 'Let him who is without sin cast the first stone'.

OP, YANBU to not think less of him.

Catsarebastards · 31/10/2014 20:47

Just realised that he was in Amsterdam.

Yeah right his friend pointed him in her direction! that's what they went to amsterdam for and youre a mug if you believe anything different.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 31/10/2014 20:47

meeting that group of friends next week.

uh-oh.

Sollers · 31/10/2014 20:49

He is right to be ashamed of himself as it is a disgusting thing to have done. After that, it is up to you to judge whether it is indicative of how he is as a person generally and if you can live with what he has done.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/10/2014 20:49

Yuck. Horrible. Men sleeping with prostitutes regardless of how long ago would be a massive turn off for me.

WestEast · 31/10/2014 20:50

I've done things I regret to some extent. But none of them involve paying to use someone as an object to wank into. It's hideous behaviour.

bananaleaf · 31/10/2014 20:50

My ex told me had a massage in SE Asia after working on oil rig for 8 weeks. Ended up paying for full sex.

I don't know why but it didn't bother me. I think it was the fact he simply told me and it wasn't some great shameful secret. He was pretty matter of fact about it, not something he repeated but not racked with guilt or anything.

I had another ex that had visited a prostitute in the past, lied about it to my face even though all his friends knew and laughed about it and told me. He was embarrassed and sheepish when I did find out. I was more annoyed about the lying.

I'd be more concerned about all the self flagellation, methinks he doth protest too much?

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/10/2014 20:53

Well we don't know she was hurt do we pubes I truly hope not.

Op if it doesn't bother you then all is well.

onerepublic · 31/10/2014 20:56

Why was it relevant that she was "particularly attractive", btw? Sounds like he's shifting the blame onto her for being good looking - between that and blaming his mate's input it sounds as though he's taken very little responsibility for his decision to purchase someone's sexual consent.

Catsarebastards · 31/10/2014 20:59

Why was it relevant that she was "particularly attractive"

Just another layer to the "i didnt have a choice" cake.

he was drunk
depressed 3)friend paid
friend was doing a nice thing so would be rude to refuse
she was gorgeous and any man would struggle to refuse

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2014 21:00

Ok this might sound a bit ropey but I'll crack on. If your DP or any of his mates felt like having casual sex whilst on holiday, why didn't they just meet some like minded single women and do it for free? Is a one night stand hard to get, in Amsterdam? In my day wherever there were twenty something's and alcohol for sale, there was casual sex.

It's just weird to pay for it unless there is some dodgy background to all this.

Catsarebastards · 31/10/2014 21:03

Yeah but it makes a good story amongst your mates though morris. You get your 'fucked a prostitute badge'. Nice big shiny one and your mates polish it for you every time you meet for a drink

BolshierAyraStark · 31/10/2014 21:04

How can you not be bothered? He paid a prostitute Not sure on the relevance of her attractiveness either tbh...

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/10/2014 21:14

I think if it doesn't bother you that he paid for sex then its nobody else's business.

Fwiw, if a man I was in a new relationship with was banging on about some shameful past and self loathing I'm not sure I would have hung around for long

DuelingFanjo · 31/10/2014 21:17

I don't understand why you have started the thread to be honest. You are not bothered, so don't be bothered.

Unless you are actually bothered?

All that's going to happen is some people saying you are right not to be bothered and the rest saying you should be bothered.

You're not bothered, what's the problem?

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