AIBU? Private school related

[differentkindofpenguin]

hi all, typing on my phone so excuse any typos!

I have just been landed with a dilemma. We are a family on a moderate income- one of us is a nurse, other is admin assistant on just above min wage. Our eldest is due to start school next year, so I'm in the process of looking at local schools. There are plenty, and seem quite nice.

Now MIL came over yesterday and said she would pay for him to go to a local prep school if we wanted it. They paid for their other grandkids. Her worry is that as DS is pretty bright he won't get "pushed" enough in a state school. I have to agree this worries me too.

Now we are very, very grateful for the offer, but it got me thinking. It would be a brilliant opportunity for him, smaller class sizes sound great. Distance is a consideration, I don't drive and its gonna be two buses for me to get there :s. However DH will mostly be dropping off.

This is another thing- DH thinks I'm being daft and worrying for nothing. Private schooling is usually ( not always I know) associated with a certain social class and income. While we are financially stable, we do live on a shoestring budget. Shop at lidl, no holidays ( unless MIL sends us), no frills. I'm worried DS will be treated differently due to this. I have visions of him coming home and asking for things all his friends have that we can't afford. Or being ashamed to invite his friends to our house as its small and in a less salubrious area. Or being upset as his friends have been on lovely holidays and we can't even afford a week in a static caravan in Wales. I dread the thought of having to " keep up with the joneses" for the foreseeable future... DH thinks I'm overthinking it, and it won't be like that at all. I really hope not but can't help thinking about it.

Fully prepared to be told IABU. Sorry if this is a bit garbled, have 2 small kids jumping all over me!

We went private from age 3 or 5. It worked fine. My daughter had 100% second hand uniform for example. There are lots of parents in private schools who choose to pay for school fees rather than expensive holidays. I would not worry about it at all. Most children will not be judging others on what items they have. Now we are a bit better off if I think my sons are going out with a friend from their private school who I know is likely to be from a family with not much cash I will always tell my sons to offer to pay for the cinema ticket for that child or not pick an outing that might be too expensive. I would hope one of the main things they learn at private schools is how to be considerate to others and treat everyone fairly and equally and with good manners. I would seize the opportunity offered. It is a very kind offer of the grandparent. Most difficult task is whether the child can pass the entrance test even at 5 though so let us not assume the child will get in yet....

Most teachers are shopping at Lidls anyway so even if there are some idiotic snob students then hopefully this attitude will be discouraged and laughed at, the same as it would be in most reasonable households.
I went to an average town state school and most of the kids I went to school with had all the latest fashions and modern technology and I did not, you would get the same pressure wherever you went.

Our children are all at fee-paying schools. We holiday in Devon, or British cities, we have one, rather elderly, small car, don't have Sky, or ipads/iphones etc, and it's really not an issue.

The schools are amongst the best in England, and personally we feel that the formative years are far more important, schooling-wise - you need a strong foundation to build later learning on.

Is MIL going to fund all your DC? Are the schools available to you worth it?

All this talk of sacrifices and priorities is so bloody annoying on these threads. You have to be well off to privately educate your children. End of.

Private school fees for one child would swallow 2/3 of our household income. No amount of shopping at Lidl, not taking holidays or driving second hand cars will change that, so please don't perpetuate the myth that anyone can afford private education if they make the right sacrifices

Jack I know two people whose grandparents pay the fees. Also a bursery can mean fees are a few thousand but yes it's still out if reach for most

maddy68 some gross generalisations there!
My DT were educated privately throughout and were certainly 'pushed' to their full potential.
DD then went on to Oxford before doing her PGCE. At no time did her private school education stand in her way when it came to getting jobs. She was offered interviews at all her placement schools and was appointed following her first interview.
OP; the school my DT attended from 3 to 8 was probably the 'poshest' in the area. However, those with old money do not tend to drive flash cars, they often shop at the second hand shop and do not over-indulge children with gadgets- a walk over your own fields with the dogs seemed to be a common form of entertainment- and the children were almost invariably welcoming, lovely children.
New money tends to breed a flashier type of parent, but there was always a good mix and you will probably find some families making ends meet.

Ah yes, the difference between new and old money. We have always loved that we have the oldest cars around. Nothing to prove. Those with things to prove in terms of showing off material possessions are not the people to seek out in life.

I agree with that, Greengrow. Why is it always the massive BMW's which block the entrance to the school?

Well now, hang on, if you start talking about old money and new money, and judging people on the car they drive, then that IS snobbery. I agree that any parent who teaches their children to value material things excessively is crass, but ultimately money is money, and whether you've earned it yourself or inherited it from a great-grandparent shouldn't define whether you are someone to 'seek out'. And yes Jack, for many people private education will always be beyond reach, but this thread isn't about people in that situation. OP has an offer to have the fees paid, so her dilemma is more about which type of education is better for her child given that she won't be able to provide the extras that other children in a private school might take for granted.

Depends entirely on the school in question. My dd goes to a private day school and there is a huge range of families with different incomes, some with whopping houses, horses, pools and lots of foreign hols to people scraping by with tiny houses, no hols plus everything in between. However, there is another private school nearby where most children are dropped by chauffeurs and the school has its own stables!!

To put your mind at rest, go at pick up/drop off time and have a look at cars, clothes etc. Obviously you can't always tell using these methods but it can be a good barometer.

Biscuits - merely an observation, no judgement made. My children would make friends and would be invited home, and at that point we would see where we stood in relation to the wealth, or otherwise, of that family. Their friends ranged from the offspring of titled landowners who owned half the county, through children of high Court Judges and plastic surgeons, teachers and shopkeepers, nurses and factory workers. It didn't matter to either set of children where one sat in the spectrum, and it didn't seem to matter to parents either.

Two of our DC got Assisted Places to the same private school; one for Junior and one for Secondary. The Junior school was snobby and we were looked down on by certain parents (and teachers), but certainly not all of them. DS had some good friends he still keeps in touch with.

The Senior school was totally different. Loads of old cars and lots of families in the same boat. We once went to pick up DD from a friends house and were dismayed to find that the whole of our house would have fitted in a small corner of their deck, but they were completely welcoming.

DD's friends would sub her when they went out (tho thinking now that was a bad thing because she expects it now she's an adult). There was never a race to keep up with the Joneses. And the richest families could always be found in the school Thrift shop buying uniform, rather than the terribly expensive School Outfitters in the town.

It really does depend on the individual school.

I think you need to confirm with your MIL what's being offered. Prep schools start at eight - he'll need to go somewhere else first if that's what she's offering to pay for.

Also, how can you know how he'll get on at school and whether he will need to be stretched or not? At oldest he is just barely four.

There are so many factors. DD was fine in the state system until 11. We got DS out at 8 because his biggest challenge was correcting the teacher's spelling. Same school.

Honestly, if you are worried about the social class thing, don't send him to a prep school! There are loads of private (not prep) schools which use the state school year system, don't provide social cachet, and as a result don't attract social snobs in the first place.

The term "prep" often means age 5 - 11 or 13 these days, though - just any private primary. In our youngest children's school they have the "pre prep" to age 7 and then the prep and every single local school does. People just call them a prep school even though they start at 4/5.

Whereas a few schools in London like I think Westminster Under School and Colet Court (St Paul's prep) and it also used to be Haberdashers boys and may be still is start at 6+ or 7+.

I didn't mean avoid nouveau riche people above. I just meant people who think material possessions are important tend not to be great people to be around if you don't share those values.

YANBU, I think you will be OK, but I know where you are coming from.

We live in the states, in a dismal school district. We ended up finding a wonderful, albeit posh, private prep school, that I was afraid to go in an even ask how much the tuition was. While our state as a whole education wise is going into the toilet, this school is wonderful. He is getting such a good education, is being challenged, we couldn't be happier with our choice.

The tuition is Double what we were paying before, (moved cross country) Dh's salary went up, but in reality he doesn't take home much more than he did in our old state. We live on a very modest street, smallest house on the street. Ds has friends that have Two homes, travel to Hawaii on a whim...and this friend has actually turned out to be the most caring, sweet boy I could ever hope my ds to have. We fixed up our house to look really nice, and even had the 'compliment' of one of his friends saying, "Wow your house, is Really nice...since you know, it is a small house!" :) Yes it can exist child!

Ds has friends that can only afford to go there because his parents teach there and he couldn't care less. Most of the parents - really - are rolling in it, but it has little effect on ds. He knows the scoop, he knows we put our money were we feel it best utilised, he knows that he's not going going to Italy every year with some students, or his spring break won't be filled with going on posh vacations every year. We do what we can, when we can, and he totally gets it and is very practical about it. We have his friend's parents at our house, which is a tiny and dated compared to what they have, (and what we used to have in our old state) but it's homey, warm, bright and clean.

Now I'm not going to lie. At our other school, I have a friend in a similar situation. She has a dd, and one of the mom's of her dd's friends tries to keep the girls apart, and my friend is convinced (since the girls get alone just fine...my friend's girl is like a little mouse and wouldn't offend anyone!) that the mom tries to encourage her daughter to spend more time with other girls - but not just any other girls - the ones whose parents have money, because well, they might afford to offer her daughter more. So it definitely Can exist. But those cases are few and far between. If the school does an excellent job of instilling good values (as we as parents do) the children will grow up Knowing which people they want to be friends with regardless of what their parents say!

Sorry this is a novel. I think you will be totally fine. I find it easiest when laid out very business like when we don't go on posh vacations all the time (we do once in awhile) and if your ds is anything like mine, he will grow to be appreciative of what we do provide for them, and not just take it as that is the way the whole world lives.

I myself, feel I have much more in common with the people that actually clean the school, and I'm being honest here! The Parents can be the intimidating ones, but I look for friends outside my child's friend's parents and classmates.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. You have certainly given me a lot of food for thought, and a lot of considerations I have not thought of, that I will certainly take on board. It's just too daunting, making a decision that might affect your child for the rest of their lives.

I have a lovely relationship with MIL, and she has never interfered in her other grandkids' education ( they are out of private education now for various reasons) . I will bring it up with her about extras and our LG when she's old enough ( nearly 2 now). We won't be having any more babies ( almost definitely!), so I'm sure she will be relieved about that! I do hate the idea of being indebted ( even though I know it's not begrudged, and never will be!), but I will lump it if it means my children are well looked after and happy. I do not want them to be lawyers or surgeons, just to realise their potential and be happy. My own experience of private education ( although secondary, a long time ago, and in a different country), was awful. Way too stressful and competitive, pastoral care non existent. I was on antidepressants and sedatives at 12, at which point my mum took me out, and sent me to a lovely state school. I know the school in question is different, with an emphasis on pastoral care. Again, my mother in law is also guided by her experiences- as I'm sure we all are, as my DH went to that school, and was nurtured and pushed to achieve his potential ( didn't do him much good in the long run as he left school with no a levels, and only a couple of GCSEs)

I am not familiar with a lot of jargon and abbreviations mentioned ( I'll have to educate myself!), but I know that the school in question start from 3yo.

I have decided to mention all the schools in question, and go with my gut feeling.

Poster who mentioned private care- I am an NHS all the way person, and having experienced both NHS and private care both as a professional and a service user only convinced me more. I wonder if the same applies to teaching....

One question though. How can you possibly have a class of 30 4 year olds, with a TA to help, or possibly two, actually get to know them all and tailor your teaching to their needs? Teachers are amazing.

Sorry to ramble.... It's my weekly time on the " grown up juice"

Haven't read the entire thread, but personally, OP, I wouldn't send any child of mine to a school where nearly all the other children were in a higher socio-economic bracket than him/her. I went to a state school, but in a posh part of town and felt it strongly. And I have known many others who went to private school here in Mexico and suffered because they couldn't keep on with the Jones.

Scholarship kid here - I never felt disadvantaged at all or under any pressure to keep up with anyone. My friends were a mixed bunch, some wealthy and some just and parents who sacrificed a lot to pay for private school.
I suppose a lot of ot depends on the school itself but I never saw any snobbishness at mine and I consider myself very lucky to have had the school experience I did.

I was the poor (er) child at an independent school. Single parent family etc. No one, not staff or pupils ever commented on my background or how we lived.

I was never ashamed of where I came from but I was very aware of the difference. I thought that normal was the gorgeous countryside pile and a flat in London - and that my home and family were unusual! How wrong I was. I did feel like an outsider unfortunately but this was all about my reactions and not those of others.

If you are not confident about the local state choices then this will be a fantastic opportunity. While we could afford private at the moment, we've opted for a good state and using the money to buy the extras like music lessons etc. One of our DSs has significant SN and unfortunately this will not be catered for or welcomed in our local private schools.

See the schools, then make your choices.

In my experience, it's not that there is snobbery, but I looked shabby in school uniform because we could not afford to renew it every year, like a lot of the other girls. Here in Mexico, it is not being able to reciprocate when money is being spent.

But fortunately OP, I seem to be the exception here and it may not be as bad in private schools in England.

UK is different though from Mexico. The richer you are the less you show off about money - - it's not the done thing. A TV series by Grayson Perry looked at it - the richest of all have the old clothes and shabby jumpers. That means it is easier for those who are not well off to mix with the wealthy compared with places like Russia and most of South and Central America.

By the way the original poster not wanting her child to be a surgeon or lawyer! Why ever not? That's amazing. Those are some of the loveliest best careers around and we want many many more children from less well off homes to have that as their aim. perhaps the good thing about going to the private school is that that child might realise it could indeed become a lawyer or surgeon.

My DC went to indies on scholarships/bursaries..we live in a council house and at times were on benefits while they were there...only one or 2 sets of parents in that time were the rest lovely.
There was more snobbery in the state infants/juniors they went to before. They were sought after schools in an area that had grammars. some ott snobs there
My DC made some nice friends and where/how we live has never been an issue.

As other posters said look at the cohort and type of school..they vary so much.

What a kind offer. What are the state schools around you like. What are the private schools like. Tbh if the state school was good id be tempted to start him off there and save the money (if mil will allow this) as although primary school is important the secondary part i think is alot better private. (Thats just my opinion so dont shoot me down. Ex state school educated all the way through, dyslexic and struggled and wish i had a rich mil to help go private at secondary level. I got a degree and doing a job (own business) i love but feel i have gaps in my education which is not the fault of my state school just the fact i needed more support at secondary level which in the 1980s they didnt offer). As others have mentioned does this kind offer include other children you might have. Sorry if im repeated anything said but just read first page. You know your child and whats best for him x

The dcs had their fees paid by grandparents. My DH and I don't seem to have what it takes to earn a lot.
The dcs often had friends to stay and never once said their friends looked down on them because our house is small and scruffy.
Surely at school personality is what counts, not parental wealth or lack of it.
Your dcs will be fine at private school in that respect.