AIBU? Private school related

[differentkindofpenguin]

hi all, typing on my phone so excuse any typos!

I have just been landed with a dilemma. We are a family on a moderate income- one of us is a nurse, other is admin assistant on just above min wage. Our eldest is due to start school next year, so I'm in the process of looking at local schools. There are plenty, and seem quite nice.

Now MIL came over yesterday and said she would pay for him to go to a local prep school if we wanted it. They paid for their other grandkids. Her worry is that as DS is pretty bright he won't get "pushed" enough in a state school. I have to agree this worries me too.

Now we are very, very grateful for the offer, but it got me thinking. It would be a brilliant opportunity for him, smaller class sizes sound great. Distance is a consideration, I don't drive and its gonna be two buses for me to get there :s. However DH will mostly be dropping off.

This is another thing- DH thinks I'm being daft and worrying for nothing. Private schooling is usually ( not always I know) associated with a certain social class and income. While we are financially stable, we do live on a shoestring budget. Shop at lidl, no holidays ( unless MIL sends us), no frills. I'm worried DS will be treated differently due to this. I have visions of him coming home and asking for things all his friends have that we can't afford. Or being ashamed to invite his friends to our house as its small and in a less salubrious area. Or being upset as his friends have been on lovely holidays and we can't even afford a week in a static caravan in Wales. I dread the thought of having to " keep up with the joneses" for the foreseeable future... DH thinks I'm overthinking it, and it won't be like that at all. I really hope not but can't help thinking about it.

Fully prepared to be told IABU. Sorry if this is a bit garbled, have 2 small kids jumping all over me!

We had a similar offer for my children for high school, however we decided not to take up the offer because we're a very low income family. My DCs are in state school, are G&T and at the top of the top sets across the board - one has all A* and A in GCSEs so from our point of view there wouldn't have been an advantage in going private as they have been at schools that they love and have thrived there. We gave them the option of private education once they reached primary school leaving age but they were adamant that they wanted to go to the local schools.
If you want to go for it then do but YANBU if you don't.

leaving whether private school is a good idea or not aside

• are you on good terms with MIL? Might she change her mind about the money one day?

• what is she prepared to pay for? Just fees, or uniform and extras as well?

• will she pay more each year to cover inflatation? Can she afford to do this until your DC leaves school (esp as she is doing it for others already)

• can she afford/will she extend the offer to all your other children?

• will she expect the fact she is paying for your DC's education means that she gets to "interefere"?

I'd want to answer all those questions before I even started thinking about whether the school was the right one.

OP we are in similar circumstances and are sending our DS to a posh private school. While there are some children who come from extremely wealthy families, a lot of them also come from ordinary homes where the family is financially stretched from sending several DCs to private schools.

For instance, we rent, rarely have foreign holidays and have bog standard cars. But that has never come in the way of our DS feeling that he belongs there. He is very happy and well adjusted in his school and has several friends from similar family backgrounds.

A lot depends on the area and the school.

MyEmpire,
You'll find that at state schools as well though. There are frequently threads on here about how a parent can't afford the thousands to send their DC on the school trip. The last one was a grand for a few days in Iceland! In contrast, the posh prep school near us holds their geography field trips in Dorset!
At my (state) sixth form college, people got new cars for their 17th birthday, and wedding-style parties for their 18th. I got to take 6 friends to the local pizza place for mine, and we got to share a bottle of prosecco as the celebration!

Not answering your question - but...

my mother made a similar offer to my sister. However, she decided not to accept it in case mother could not afford it in the future / changed her mind, and she would left having to change schools...

I rent, don't drive and I'm a single mum. We don't go on exotic, expensive holidays and don't do horseriding/skiing. Our clothes are mostly bought in the sales but I have a good job and pay the fees.

Don't forget about the added extras. You can usually buy school uniform second hand if they insist on one supplier and wool blazers at £60 a pop. Some charge for trips and lunches, some don't. Some charge for extra curricular activities, some don't. Some will charge you to see your child in the school play (seriously).

i'd check out the school, my DN went to a 'private' school, that was rubbish (i know, because i went for one of the parents evenings - i was expecting switched on teachers etc, but they were pretty gormless)

again - echoing the others, how involved would your MIL want to be? and would she be paying for DS 2?

Our kids went/go private until 11.

Yeah, some people cannot quite understand we never go skiing, but that does not upset me

We go to Devon/Dorset for a week in summer hols.

Not everyone is loaded at private schools, I know quite a few people in modest jobs/houses who have paying GPs.

op yanbu

my famiily weere very MC but low income, they used an inheritance to send me private for 6th form

so I did struggle a bit as had been in a really rough comp from 11-15 so it was a HUGE culture shock- however your DS wont get this if he starts younger aged 11

however dont assume everyone that goes there will be nouveau riche with flash range rovers- some will be people like you that have made a financial scarifice

some will be from nice families, some wont. which is the same for state school

honestly, I understand worries but \I think you shiuld visit the school and be grateful for the opportunity

is she going to opay for all your kids BTW! this is key you cant just send one!!!

From the point of view of not being able to afford the same as others you can experience this in state schools too.
My dc told tales of friends having expensive holidays, latest games consoles, designer label clothes etc, all of these we couldn't afford, our dc went to state school too.

We have just applied for a place at a ss school for dd, the fees are astronomical and most children receive some sort of bursary.
There are some very rich children who attend and some very poor ones too.
If you get into the mind set of keeping up with the Jones's and you can't afford to, then you will be unhappy and your dc will be because they will follow your attitude.
I find its best not to get involved with it.

My DCs are at a private school and there isn't any snobbery at all there, it is really nurturing and has a very family feel, there is another (very academic) private school nearby and the snobbery is awful there, at local sports clubs where a lot of their children attend (along with children from other state/private school), the parents are complained about as they are so snobbish about their school.

I have to disagree about children being pushed more in state schools as this just isn't the case in all schools, my DS1 attended a state infant school and they did not bother to stretch him any more than was easy for them at all, Y2 was almost a complete waste of time as he pretty much just did the same work he had done in Y1. He moved up a WHOLE NC level in the first 6 weeks at the private junior school and has continued to progress well.

In all cases it depends on the school, some private schools are not that good, some state schools are amazing. Often it can depend on the child/parents also.

choose the school that you think will be the best fit for your ds - that's all you can do. It might turn out to be the wrong choice, you might have to change at some point, in retrospect you might regret it - but all we can do is make the best choice for them at the time, given what we know.

My three all went to private school, funded by GPs. It was absolutely the right thing for the eldest and the youngest but not the middle one, in retrospect the local state would have been better - but at the time it seemed right. I'm not going to agonise over that one, dc2 agrees that the local state would have been better and we've talked about it since, but they know we made what we thought was the right choice at the time. The local state was in special measures and had a series of temp heads until it got a fab one that turned it around - by that time all of mine were settled in non state so we didn't move them. If I were making the same choice now I would choose the local state because I don't like the way a new head is steering that private school.

I really don't think it's a simple state vs private decision, it's far more complex and depends on your dc, your situation and the particular schools involved.

My son is at private school. We got a v generous bursary and my Mum pays for a lot of it. He was struggling on state school with dyslexia and dyscacula (sp?). He hated school before as couldn't understand what was going on, but he loves school now as they are able to give him individual attention.

We have the oldest car there! But nearly all families have both parents working and there is no snobbery at all. The only thing that DS did find a bit hard was other parents having holidays overseas which we cannot afford.

If you think the school is right for your child then I would go for it. It really is 'horses for courses' with private education and you have to find the right one for your child.

oh and the not being able to afford everything the other kids could have was really not an issue for my dc, they knew gps were paying, they knew some other kids lived in huge country estates, they also had friends in the same school who were less well off than us and on full scholarships. It was a real mix.

My friend was from a poor background and got a scholarship to go to a private boarding school. She was bullied a lot because she was poor.

She's has had to have counselling all her life to cope and hates her parents. She has a below-average paid job now.

Sorry, that's my only experience.

I wouldn't do it, but then I'm completely anti-private education and private healthcare.

A lot of people I know do infants in state school and juniors/secondary private. Some people I know only just manage to scrape the money together for private, some can only afford private with burseries, while others have lots of cash but even then some are flash and others not.

All kids have differing levels of family wealth regardless of school - what matters is the kids attitude. There will always be show offy spoilt kids private or state - although schools will all vary in ethos and this can effect kids attitudes. Some of kids at my kids state schools have all the latest gadgets, clothes, holidays etc. Mine have been bought up in a less materialistic manner. They still feel lucky though as we do lots of lovely things on a shoe string budget and have a happy home