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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think engagement gift lists should just not be a thing?

79 replies

Boysclothes · 30/10/2014 22:48

I'm very laid back about weddings, think you can do whatever you want, don't mind a gift list or even a poem, think it's rude NOT to take a gift etc etc.

Got invited to an engagement party end of November. In the invite was a card with their engagement gift list details at JLs.

Just had a look and the stuff is wedding list stuff. Crockery, cutlery, sauce
pans, vases... Only one thing under twenty five quid. 75% of the stuff is over £75. The party is drinks in a bar, no meal or anything.

Is it me or am I going to be expected to buy basically two wedding gifts for this couple? And AIBU to find this very grabby and tacky?

(BTW, I don't need too much advice here. I will take a bottle of champagne and a card or get them twenty quids of JL vouchers. This thread is purely for judgementalism)

OP posts:
SweetsForMySweet · 31/10/2014 12:25

Never heard of this and can't see it becoming a tradition. I wonder who invented the engagement gift list idea?

JennyBlueWren · 31/10/2014 12:41

We didn't have an engagement party but lots of my In-laws' friends bought us gifts -candle sticks, salt and pepper set (still using) and other oddments. Was surprised as I didn't even know most of them.

I like wedding lists as it saves the duplicate items problem. I know someone who got three identical bins and 4 electric whisks! We did get some nice non-list presents too which I was pleased with.

grumblepuss · 31/10/2014 13:11

I thought engagement parties stopped about 20 years ago. When when everyone started to move in with their partner, then got engaged, then had babies, then got married?

I quite like a good wedding list... Its good for noseying!

OhHelpOhNoItsaGrufallo · 31/10/2014 13:13

YADNBU
I'm having enough trouble when people ask us what we would like for our upcoming wedding, I'd never have been able to write out two lists! Haha
We haven't even got a wedding list, nor have we asked for money/vouchers etc.
We are truly honestly not expecting anything. We have lived together for several years now and have pretty much everything we need.
There are a couple of kitchen items that could do with replacing, but no way am I asking friends and relatives to shell out for them.
Wedding lists used to be for those just starting out, leaving home AFTER getting married, life no longer reflects this in most cases so I feel a WL is redundant, and I've never heard of an engagement list! :O

I'd turn up with a card and maybe a bottle of wine...

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 31/10/2014 13:34

Surely only immediate family would buy an engagement present (not that my family even do that)?

Steel yourself, OP, you're about to be reamed like a lemon by these people. Engagement present, wedding present, hugely expensive hotel room at our over-the-top, out-of-the-way wedding venue, oh, and could you all wear our wedding colour of puce, please?

Nomama · 31/10/2014 13:38

Ye gods... a list?

When we got engaged older rellies offered bottom drawer gifts. 30 years later we still use the gravy boat, cruet, serving spoons, wooden spoons and a table runner - mainly at Christmas.

But that was normal for their generation, setting a young couple up in their first home.

But a list? I hate to think what the wedding list would look like.

We had a wedding list. Mum demanded one as my family were fairly widespread and were asking. So we started with things for about a fiver - proper potato peeler - and probably hit the max at a Ferrari, only in red, no cheap colours please Smile

Floggingmolly · 31/10/2014 13:54

On the setting the couple up in their first home thing... Wasn't it also (usually) the case that the wedding receptions were considerably less glitzy affairs than is the case today?

Hiring church halls where the buffet was put together by the b & g's mums was par for the course.

It's a world away from spending £15k+ on a fancy reception and then demanding your guests effectively reimburse you for the cost by bankrolling your honeymoon or kitchen extension.
Giving with one hand and trying to claw it back with the other... If you want to host a party, cut your coat according to your cloth; don't try to stealthily make guests pay for the fantastic party you're "treating" them to.

sausageandorangepickle · 31/10/2014 13:57

When I was a child (a long time ago) my sister and I used these matching but different coloured mugs and bowls/ plates etc. I asked my mum where they had come from, thinking they had been bought for us as small children, but they had been a 'breakfast set' that their friends had bought them as an engagement present. The friends had clubbed together and bought the set, then parcelled it off and each turned up with different parts - so friend 1 arrived with a blue mug and yellow spoon, then friend 2 with a yellow knife and blue egg cup or whatever.

This must have been 50 years ago now, and my youngest is using the yellow bowl when he eats at grandma's, but engagement gifts have been around for that long.

NOT a list/request for gifts though.

StrawberryCheese · 31/10/2014 13:58

I don't think this will ever take off as a 'thing' or at least I hope not. When we got engaged 5 years ago we didn't even know people did buy 'engagement gifts' other than perhaps a bottle of fizz. We were handed bales of towels by elderly family friends and were up to our eyeballs in photo frames Hmm

Perhaps they are doing the gift list thing because they don't want to wait until the wedding to restock their home or that they will never bother getting married at all, just be engaged for all eternity but don't want to miss out on the presents

forago · 31/10/2014 13:59

So now you need to provide gifts at the engagemnet, the wedding, the baby shower for each kid and the birth of each kid? Too much! Grabby grabby grabby.

Nomama · 31/10/2014 14:19

Ooh, you are right Floggingmolly. I am always a bit surprised reading threads here when people say it is only polite to gift back the cost of your food, etc.

That never crossed my mind, when giving or receiving wedding pressies.

We had a reception that we could afford. That was it. When we ran out of budget we stopped. It would never have crossed my mind to ask for money to pay for any of it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/10/2014 14:31

If you want to host a party, cut your coat according to your cloth; don't try to stealthily make guests pay for the fantastic party you're "treating" them to

Exactly Smile

MimiSunshine · 31/10/2014 14:43

Just take a card. They aren't hosting you so no gift (that includes wine / flowers) required.

OhHelpOhNoItsaGrufallo · 31/10/2014 15:39

FloggingMolly raises a very good point.
Our wedding, by no means as expensive as 15k, has still cost us a fair bit, I wouldn't expect my friends and family to help cover the cost of it, so why would I expect them to buy expensive gifts.
For every person who asks us what we want, we've told them not to get anything (especially as a couple of our guests are providing their services in their respective fields cost free for our big day) if they insist, we've asked for a bottle of wine. That will do us just fine. People can spend as much or as little as they like on it, I couldn't care less in all honesty. We've invited people to our wedding so they can see us make our commitments, NOT to get presents etc.

I think somewhere down the line the true meaning of weddings has been forgotten.

annabanana19 · 31/10/2014 16:01

Id just give an Argos voucher. £20 if theyre lucky!

Original poster
Boysclothes · 31/10/2014 16:03

To be fair to them the wedding will be a good do. Black tie, Central London, and I won't have to pay a thing, bar will be free. But I can't wait to see the wedding list, what will they put on it!

OP posts:
MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 31/10/2014 16:04

New one on me. We got cards and were happy with that.

OhHelpOhNoItsaGrufallo · 31/10/2014 16:20

I'm starting to think I've missed something here you know...
I never had an engagement party, no presents (a few cards though)
I never did baby showers either..
No wedding list...

I wonder if this is how some people seem to have everything [hmmm]

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 01/11/2014 09:41

Time to renew your vows, Gruffalo, with a hefty vow renewing gift list!

fatlazymummy · 01/11/2014 11:33

My sister had an engagement party, 30 odd years ago. She got some gifts (kitchen things, etc). She didn't have a list, and no one thought it was strange either. I can vaguely remember going to a few other engagement parties and buying small presents. I think it was normal then.
The difference then was a) most people didn't live together before marriage and b) household goods were comparatively more expensive , therefore people tended to appreciate any gift, however small.
I can understand why people resent being given gift lists or asked for money when most people already own more than enough stuff.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/11/2014 13:41

I hazard a guess, they'll be some crappy poem about having everything they need and want money for the honeymoon.

Grabby fuckers.

CrashDiveOnMingoCity · 01/11/2014 15:54

I'm surprised this is news to people. In my circle (where it seems everyone except me Sad is getting engaged) they all have engagement lists. That said, the engagement parties tend to be to be proper, full blown parties.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/11/2014 17:21

I'm starting to think I've missed something here you know

I doubt it, Gruffalo Smile I imagine you'll still have dear friends around you, when others have discarded those who were only used as donors

Also totally agree that, somewhere along the line, the whole point of a wedding is getting lost

CerealMom · 01/11/2014 17:36

Teaspoons, everybody needs (more) teaspoons.

squoosh · 01/11/2014 17:38

Or a copy of Marie Stopes' Married Love.

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