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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think engagement gift lists should just not be a thing?

79 replies

Boysclothes · 30/10/2014 22:48

I'm very laid back about weddings, think you can do whatever you want, don't mind a gift list or even a poem, think it's rude NOT to take a gift etc etc.

Got invited to an engagement party end of November. In the invite was a card with their engagement gift list details at JLs.

Just had a look and the stuff is wedding list stuff. Crockery, cutlery, sauce
pans, vases... Only one thing under twenty five quid. 75% of the stuff is over £75. The party is drinks in a bar, no meal or anything.

Is it me or am I going to be expected to buy basically two wedding gifts for this couple? And AIBU to find this very grabby and tacky?

(BTW, I don't need too much advice here. I will take a bottle of champagne and a card or get them twenty quids of JL vouchers. This thread is purely for judgementalism)

OP posts:
Jelliebabe2 · 31/10/2014 08:36

Ha! What next a first date gift? First kiss.... First.... Uh oh!

LemonadeRayGun · 31/10/2014 08:42

That is ridiculous. I have never given anyone an engagement present! I would take a card to an engagement party, although I haven't been to many, it isn't something my friends seem to do. We did though, any excuse for a party, and I wouldn't have expected presents at all. If I recall correctly, we got a few cards and maybe a couple of bunches of flowers. Work did a collection for me for our engagement, but then by the time I got married I had switched teams to one who all hated me so I got no wedding present from them lol

I was once invited to a baby shower of someone I barely knew, I met her once through a mutual friend and she befriended me on FB and then invited all her female FB friends, and sent us all a list of gifts she wanted, nothing under £35! I declined the invitation...

Moln · 31/10/2014 09:01

Oooh ths gives me an idea for DS1's upcoming birthday...

I do think gift lists are ok, they do help out people who were planning on getting a gift and hadn't got anything in mind yet. However there is a time and a place for them, I always think it's a better idea to have on, if you're going to, but not included in the invites, that way anyone invited who likes gift lists can simply ask if you have one, and those that don't like them don't feel your being grappy and entitled.

Engagement gift lists are a tad unusual.

Also gift lists with the majority of items at a high price reflect the gift list creator as having a totally different economic background to the average Joe Soap. Mostly I've seen this where both of the couple have grown up with a film/tv stereotypical wealthy family.

carlsonrichards · 31/10/2014 09:13

Oh, dear god, Moin, gift lists for birthday parties are beyond naff and grabby

VikingVolva · 31/10/2014 09:17

" so maybe this is the done thing in her circles? "

Well, I suppose it has to be, as they're doing it (and as family members you know it doesn't come from him). But it's not a "posh" thing to do. I'd say it was totally the opposite.

Moln · 31/10/2014 09:22

carlssonrichards not only that but a child's birthday. He's 11 so I think it's about time Grin

dorathedestroyer · 31/10/2014 09:29

IME the posher the couple, the less in evidence any kind of list has been. Poshest two weddings we've been to, the couple suggested charity donations rather than presents, since they really did have everything they could possibly want - so they ended up with small, personal gifts like photographs and a decent donation to their chosen local charities.

But an engagement gift list is insanely grabby: what aspect of life as an engaged couple is going to require them to have new pans and vases? They're not in an Edith Wharton novel. She isn't suddenly going to have to start hosting society matrons inspecting her trousseau and claims to respectability.

MrsBarlow · 31/10/2014 09:31

Never been given a gift list for an engagement but did get one for a first birthday party that I wasn't even invited to Hmm

quesadillas · 31/10/2014 09:36

My cousin did this. My mum refused to take a gift to the engagement party and told them she'd get them an extra special wedding gift. The engagement ended a few months later.

OiGiveItBack · 31/10/2014 09:36

I love your OP and I'm happy to oblige with some judginess. Smile

I would take a card and a nice bottle of champers. I wouldn't take anything else. I think it's super naff to have an engagement party 'list'

ZanyMobster · 31/10/2014 09:59

Wow, I have never heard of this before, how awful.

I am really laid back about the wedding gift requests, love to give money or vouchers etc but I would be surprised at a gift list for anything else.

My DB and SIL had an engagement party and hired a hall (well it was free through work) we paid for a buffet between my parents and DH/I, lots of people came, it wasn't a free bar or anything but pretty much everyone bought them a gift, they actually got £800 in cash and vouchers. They didn't request presents at all and were completely shocked.

Really no need to ask for gifts FFS.

cherrybombxo · 31/10/2014 10:12

That's really grabby. I get a card and a bottle of fizz when they get engaged.

Honeezreturnofthelivingdead · 31/10/2014 10:16

Now when I got engaged to DH 30 !! Years ago, we had a small family party in my parents back garden. I didn't ask for anything atall, didn't even send out invites, just word of mouth family do, but people bought us stuff for our 'bottom drawer' which was the thing back then. I still use a teapot somebody gave us! We had tea towels,towels,Pyrex and bits and bobs,

But I still think it's really grabby to send out engagement giftlists

ALittleFaith · 31/10/2014 11:03

The one time I bought an engagement present, I bought a lovely case engraved with their initials. They split soon after Hmm

Incredibly greedy to do a engagement gift list. Just a card and maybe a drink at the party!

motherofmonster · 31/10/2014 11:44

It is very grabby. I tend to now just do a card and a bottle of fizz if it is a party. Flowers sent if not. This is after buying my same cousin 3 engagement gifts on 3 different occasions with different partners, there has not been a wedding yet.
lists seem to be getting more popular. Ive had two lists for the same christening. One for baby and one for the mum. (candles, beauty vouchers ect) which did make me Shock

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2014 11:51

Yes this is not the norm, the couple are being very grabby. Come their wedding, people probably won't give a wedding gift, and they deserve that for sheer rudeness. A nice card will suffice.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2014 11:53

Just a card and a bottle of Tesco bruit will be fine Smile

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2014 11:53

I am sure others will do the same.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2014 11:54

or get them a small present of YOUR choosing

Viviennemary · 31/10/2014 11:57

Well in a short time it will become the norm. Like these crass grabby rude poems. I'd be fuming too but if I liked the people I would still go. Think you are right about the vouchers.

HerRoyalNotness · 31/10/2014 11:58

Where I'm from the engagement party is a big deal. It's invite list is much bigger than the wedding guest list. I remember we had it about a 6-9mths before the wedding. While there was no gift list it's traditional to get "kitchen tea" type gifts, tea towels, wooden spoons, small kitchen items etc.. at the engagement party.

I would see a list as grabby though, but not the entire concept of engagement gifts. I still have a wooden spoon from then that's 22yrs old, long outlasted the marriage and is my absolute favourite stirring stick.

squoosh · 31/10/2014 11:59

I've never heard of an engagement list. Greedy fucks.

I would steadfastly ignore.

Mintyy · 31/10/2014 12:05

I'd have to reply in a sarcastic way, I really would:

"Thank you for the invitiation to your engagement party. I'm a bit confused as you seem to have put your wedding gift list in with the invite! Don't be embarrassed though, I'm sure its an easy mistake to make Grin. Looking forward to the drinks in the bar. Lots of love Boysclothes xx"

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/10/2014 12:06

Hideously grabby, yes, but it always puzzles me why anyone's surprised; once even a few folk accept wedding lists as "the thing to do", someone will always push it ... and push it ... and push it

Here's another one which I saw on an American website, no doubt on its way over soon: "A dollar a dance" Apparently guests are invited to pay a dollar for a quick turn around the floor with the bride Confused

BauerTime · 31/10/2014 12:16

I dont even understand the need for a party to celebrate an engagement tbh. Like people have said upthread, there is a chance that it wont even result in a marriage.

If there had to be a party though, then id have thought it would be polite to take a card, and possibly a bottle of something. But not if its just 'drinks in a bar', especially if you have to buy your own.

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