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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this isn't something that normal, loving parents would say?

66 replies

eeeralluuuu · 30/10/2014 21:23

This plays on my mind a lot, as I think it was/is a terrible thing for a parent to say to a child. My mum, however, thinks that she is perfectly justified.

When I was about 16, a local girl of my age that I knew, was in a car accident when the car was being driven by a teenage boy, and was paralysed. Her family rallied round and have been absolutely amazing over the years. At the time, when it was all in the local papers, my mum said to me several times that this girl was lucky that her family were being so lovely, because if I had been that girl I'd be on my own as no way would she and my dad look after me.

Over the years this girl's name occasionally crops up (she has done some amazing charity work locally), and again my mum has said several times that this girl is lucky her family have looked after her, as I'd have been left to fend for myself in her position.

The thing is, I know my mum really truly means it AND thinks that it's an ok, normal thing to say to your child. She and my dad have always been very cold and were very strict when I was a child.

But for some reason this really gets to me. I think it's because it's sort of confirmation that she really doesn't give a shit about me.

I had a nervous breakdown several years ago and my mum didn't speak to me for a year. Just thought I'd add that in too.

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 30/10/2014 21:25

YANBU. The fact that your mother keeps bringing it up is very odd and suggests she is trying to provoke a reaction from you. I'm surprised you still speak to her.

mollypollly · 30/10/2014 21:26

Gosh you poor thing OP, what a truly horrid and unforgivable thing for your mum to say Hmm x

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 30/10/2014 21:28

No, it's not normal. But no way is it a reflection on you. The fact that you recognise it's not normal shows they haven't rubbed their unfeeling poison onto you.

MrsCumbersnatch · 30/10/2014 21:28

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LindyHemming · 30/10/2014 21:29

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geezerhere · 30/10/2014 21:29

I know this might sound like an odd question but is your mum religous? Btw yanbu

Original poster
eeeralluuuu · 30/10/2014 21:29

Yes I have 3 little ones.

I can't imagine saying the things to them that my parents said to me. There was lots of namecalliing from my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
eeeralluuuu · 30/10/2014 21:30

No she's not religious, geezerhere. Just unpleasant.

OP posts:
BatTeethKeith · 30/10/2014 21:31

Euphemia has the perfect response op. Maybe throw in the odd care home reference too?

Original poster
eeeralluuuu · 30/10/2014 21:32

I love Euphemia's response. Wish I had the guts to say that to my mum.

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 30/10/2014 21:32

Great, well I hope you feel that you are free from any obligation or responsibility to look after them as they get older.

Hideous comments to make to you, I would have nothing more to do with them.

zzzzz · 30/10/2014 21:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gentlehoney · 30/10/2014 21:32

She was probably trying to express that she thinks she wouldn't be able to cope with the situation.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/10/2014 21:33

Why do you still have contact with her?

She sounds bloody awful.

scousadelic · 30/10/2014 21:33

I think if she ever says it again you should tell her that that statement says a lot more about them than it does about you.

Fluftytufty · 30/10/2014 21:33

I have a very similar mother unfortunately (dad too). At least you can see her for what she is and have broken the cycle.

Original poster
eeeralluuuu · 30/10/2014 21:34

Yes I think you are right, gentlehoney. She can't cope with much TBH.

It makes me feel sad though that she would effectively have disowned me if anything had happened to me.

OP posts:
reallywittyname · 30/10/2014 21:34

no, it's not a normal thing for loving parents to say. It's a horrible thing to say.

girliefriend · 30/10/2014 21:34

What a God awful thing to say Sad maybe say something like 'do you mean to be so unkind?' when they make comments like that.

Although tbh I think I would just give her a wide berth, she sounds like a nightmare, you poor thing.

heather1 · 30/10/2014 21:34

It's a terrible thing to say. Not normal or loving at all. A loving instinct would be to care for your child, in any way you could, regardless of their age, if they were hurt.
Not sure what 'being religious' has got to do with it though.
I'd definitely be asking what does she expect of you if she becomes old, ill or infirm.
I'm a strong believer that you can judge a society/person by how the treat the most vulnerable in the community.

GenerationX2 · 30/10/2014 21:34

No NO NO - that is not normal for anyone to say let alone your parents.

I agree with Euphemia - that is the perfect response.

I am sorry you have to put up with that

Bambambini · 30/10/2014 21:35

Horrible attitude, your mum sounds very unpleasant. It was quite common many years ago for many kids who had disabilities (especially from birth) to go into homes - think it was almost encouraged and expected to a degree by medical staff. Wonder if your parents attitude stems from this.

BiancaYouMinx · 30/10/2014 21:36

YANBU. What a heartless thing for a mother to say. Can you limit contact, for your sake?

saintlyjimjams · 30/10/2014 21:37

Awful thing to say. Presumably she thinks she is above hands on caring. Which is fine you can be above caring when she gets old and leave her to fend for herself. Maybe mention that to her.

I hope you don't see too much of her OP

Coolas · 30/10/2014 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.