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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that this isn't something that normal, loving parents would say?

66 replies

eeeralluuuu · 30/10/2014 21:23

This plays on my mind a lot, as I think it was/is a terrible thing for a parent to say to a child. My mum, however, thinks that she is perfectly justified.

When I was about 16, a local girl of my age that I knew, was in a car accident when the car was being driven by a teenage boy, and was paralysed. Her family rallied round and have been absolutely amazing over the years. At the time, when it was all in the local papers, my mum said to me several times that this girl was lucky that her family were being so lovely, because if I had been that girl I'd be on my own as no way would she and my dad look after me.

Over the years this girl's name occasionally crops up (she has done some amazing charity work locally), and again my mum has said several times that this girl is lucky her family have looked after her, as I'd have been left to fend for myself in her position.

The thing is, I know my mum really truly means it AND thinks that it's an ok, normal thing to say to your child. She and my dad have always been very cold and were very strict when I was a child.

But for some reason this really gets to me. I think it's because it's sort of confirmation that she really doesn't give a shit about me.

I had a nervous breakdown several years ago and my mum didn't speak to me for a year. Just thought I'd add that in too.

OP posts:
gentlehoney · 30/10/2014 21:43

I think maybe a lot of older people feel that they cant cope with disability and illness because not so long ago it was something that was hidden and doctors would actually tell parents that they couldn't manage. I think it takes a long time for those attitudes to die out.
I expect many people think they cant cope with a child's illness, but we find the strength from somewhere, and I bet if it had really happened to you your mum would have gladly taken care of you.
It was a tactless thing to say, but I think it is about her insecurities, and not about her love for you.

SnipSnapCrashCrack · 30/10/2014 21:46

I have 2 lovely parents but a few years ago at 19 ended up disabled/finding out I have a genetic problem that had not been picked up early enough... maybe if they hadn't ignored that I could dislocate my kneesAngry Just after my son was born my DF started talking to me about health and said "If I knew you would be disabled I wouldn't have had you" and my ultimate favourite, "if you were born severely disabled I would have smothered you at birth..." Thanks dad, thanks a lot... He said both of these in general conversation as if that's what anyone would do and although I know he wouldn't have done anything (My brother, his first son, well before I was born, died at 28weeks and he still speaks of him nearly 40 years on).
I think some people don't have an off switch Sad

zzzzz · 30/10/2014 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 30/10/2014 21:57

I'm sorry. I had weird parents too.
Hope you're in counselling - they can say it but you don't have to carry the weight of it.
Maybe they just accepted the truth about themselves - devoted service isn't their thing.

Sollers · 30/10/2014 22:04

God, that's horrible. Sorry OP.

Catsize · 30/10/2014 22:08

My cousin is very disabled. My mother has often said that if it had been one of us to be born like that, she would have left us at the hospital but our (otherwise quite abusive) father would have brought us home. Think this is her way of trying to convince us he's not so bad. Hmm

PoundingTheStreets · 30/10/2014 22:09

Wow. That's cold. When I started reading your post I wondered if they were just being honest about their own limitations about their ability to care for a severely disabled child, but having read to the end it appears they're just callous.

My mum used to say some quite outlandish things to me as a teen. Such as if I got pregnant she wouldn't be helping me raise the baby at home and that I'd be out of the family home doing it by myself. Another was that had she been told when carrying me that I had a major disability, she would have aborted me because she wasn't going to sign up to have her life taken over by a disabled child.

As an adult, I know now that what she was trying to do was to scare me into taking contraception seriously - that babies mean responsibility. I know now that had I actually got pregnant she would have been there for me completely, regardless of the health of the baby.

However, she'd never have said the same thing about me ending up injured and needing care, nor would she have made those hypothetical statements at any time once I reached adulthood.

People are strange and sometimes not very nice.

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 30/10/2014 22:09

Grasping at straws, but does she mean the teenage girl should not have been in the car with the teenage boy driver in the first place?
That she brought it on herself?

I'm not agreeing with it. Trying to understand. What age are you OP?

I can sort of see my nana (in her 80's) with this attitude.

elliejjtiny · 30/10/2014 22:12

That's awful and not a normal thing to say at all. I have children with SN and I can't imagine abandoning them like that.

QueenofLouisiana · 30/10/2014 22:13

No, I don't think it is- sorry OP.

I have a congenital condition which has left me with a range of health problems. My mum has always made it clear that she is always available to help. She is alarmingly blunt in my ways but has never made me feel a burden. The only time I realised how she felt about my condition was when she found out I could pass it on to DS.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/10/2014 22:19

I think that's awful. I could just about - almost - understand it when you were 16 in a 'don't get in a car with a reckless lad, bad shit happens and don't come running to me' kind of thing, but the fact she's still saying it now you're an adult suggests she's actually being very cruel.

I agree. Some parallels with care homes need to be made...

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 30/10/2014 22:22

It is far from normal to even think it, let alone say it, out loud, to your own child. Yes, I'm sorry to say that your mum, certainly (does your dad just follow her lead for a quiet life, or is he as bad in his own right?) is an abusive horrible woman. I'm so sorry.

Congratulations on breaking the cycle!

I would remind her that you'll be choosing her care home.

skylark2 · 30/10/2014 22:25

It's a horrid thing for her to say.

I can imagine commenting that I'm not sure I could have coped as the parent in that situation, but that's not what she's saying from the sounds of it.

CromerSutra · 30/10/2014 22:32

What a disgusting thing for your mum to say. She doesn't deserve to be a parent, I'm so sorry she is and has been so nasty and unsupportive of you. Makes me so sad to read this.

cheesecakemom · 30/10/2014 22:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

livelablove · 30/10/2014 22:39

That is a terrible thing for her to say and the fact she seems to think it is fine to say it and doesn't see how awful it makes her sound shows she has some kind of problem. Who would admit to that kind of selfishness?

duckbilled · 30/10/2014 22:44

Awful thing to say, not normal at all imo

feckitall · 30/10/2014 22:49

I feel for you OP...my DM who I actually get on well with but don't see a lot of once said if abortion had been legal at that time then I wouldn't have been born..thanks mum..I know I have always been low on her list of priorities but really,did she need to say it!

BigPawsBrown · 30/10/2014 22:51

No not normal. My mum has anxiety and I think sometimes she is so frightened of intrusive thoughts etc that she says them to get reassurance that they are normal thoughts to have.

EugenesAxe · 30/10/2014 22:58

YANBU - it's kind of weird. Loving parents need to give boundaries and not spoil/foster a sense of entitlement, but as much as they should stick up for their DCs at a fundamental level.

I cannot imagine a child of mine suffering in a way like this and me not wanting to keep them in touch with the life they have known. My instinct would be to provide protection and support.

I'm not surprised you had a nervous breakdown - your DM sounds very cold and as if she's spent years (intentionally or otherwise) undermining your self confidence. It's like she'll only admit you're hers if you are completely 'normal'.

Stuff her.

Rollontome · 30/10/2014 22:58

Not normal at all, the next time she says it tell her you're glad she's not so lovely because you would hate to have to care for her in her old age.

May09Bump · 30/10/2014 23:01

I think some parents are fucked up - following a teenage argument my mum said "I hope you have a fit and die". Yes, looking back I was being a pain in the arse - but I would never wish my child hurt. I had been having epilepsy attacks for the past 2 yrs when she said that. I closed my heart to her from that point - she is poison and very bitter, glad I found out at such an early age.

You distance yourself as much as possible from this type of person - family or not, blood is not everything.

Poofus · 30/10/2014 23:03

How horrible. Why does she say this? Does she mean the girl shouldn't have been in the car with a boy? Confused Or just that she wouldn't have wanted to look after a disabled child? Both are vile, really.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2014 23:07

No it's not normal, limit contact. IF she tells you again throw the care home thing at her. She gas the gall to say this to you.

DoJo · 30/10/2014 23:08

She sounds dreadful and although you are clearly an infinitely better parent than her, I think you owe yourself the chance for a life without her in it.

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