To think that this isn't something that normal, loving parents would say?

[eeeralluuuu]

This plays on my mind a lot, as I think it was/is a terrible thing for a parent to say to a child. My mum, however, thinks that she is perfectly justified.

When I was about 16, a local girl of my age that I knew, was in a car accident when the car was being driven by a teenage boy, and was paralysed. Her family rallied round and have been absolutely amazing over the years. At the time, when it was all in the local papers, my mum said to me several times that this girl was lucky that her family were being so lovely, because if I had been that girl I'd be on my own as no way would she and my dad look after me.

Over the years this girl's name occasionally crops up (she has done some amazing charity work locally), and again my mum has said several times that this girl is lucky her family have looked after her, as I'd have been left to fend for myself in her position.

The thing is, I know my mum really truly means it AND thinks that it's an ok, normal thing to say to your child. She and my dad have always been very cold and were very strict when I was a child.

But for some reason this really gets to me. I think it's because it's sort of confirmation that she really doesn't give a shit about me.

I had a nervous breakdown several years ago and my mum didn't speak to me for a year. Just thought I'd add that in too.

Not normal, and sadly not as uncommon as you might think. DD's best friend (6 at the time) was repeatedly told by her DM that she was leaving home the day the child benefit stopped. AFAIK she carried through on it. A colleague was booked onto a deckhand course the day he left school, and got back from his first voyage to be faced with a demand for his share or eviction. He chose the latter, and his "D"Ps would cross the road to avoid him.

In your case OP, I would remark that a one-way ticket to Switzerland would be all the support they could expect. But then I'm not very nice.

Bloody hell. One day, when it hasn't been mentioned, casually bring it up. Ask them why on earth they hold that view and see if they can explain...

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat with the greatest respect is your mum for real. I pray nothing happens to you because you wont be able to rely on your mum for help and support.
I am utterly at what I've just read and I have not got to the grand age of 39 without having a few shocks.

Cripes! That's an ugly thing to say! She must be one of the most inhuman mothers I've heard of.

I agree with others. If she brings it up again I'd say "Gee Mum I'm glad to know that. It's the same way I feel about taking care of old people! So you and Dad better make your plans now for when you get old and crippled." And mean it! Because you mark my words, that kind of person thinks that her children 'owe' her and I'll bet she's planning on YOU being her elder care plan!

And for those saying 'maybe she was just expressing her fear that she 'couldn't cope', bollocks! Many people have the fear of caring for a disabled loved on. But they keep those fears to themselves because they don't want to upset that person! My DH is a foot taller and 100 lbs heavier than I. Don't you think I've worried about my ability to care for him when we get old? I sure as hell wouldn't say to him "Well, dear, you better stay healthy because if something happens you're on your own!" because I was afraid!

next time she says it you can always reply with "oh i know, you've told me a million times. don't worry, when you're too old to wipe your own arse or feed yourself or you lose your marbles, i'll stick you in a care home and leave you to fend for yourself".

See what her reaction to that is!

Your DM is telling you something about herself OP. Take it, measure it against everything you know and then

I have a similar mother but won't bother you with the things she has said. Like you I struggle between love/hate/duty/guilt ... I could be in therapy for life but try to not let it bother me.

DM is in care now and you'd think I'd be able to "get my own back" by not visiting often (which I am guilty of) but sadly she doesn't care so she still wins.

There is no winning against people like this ... you just have to try to accept them as they are and get on with your life as a much nicer parent

Awful!

You could say "Mum, why do you keep on repeating something that makes everyone think you are an awful person and a terrible mother?"

YANBU.

And I'm amazed that it's your mum who wasn't speaking to you, rather than the other way around. She sounds horrible, I'm afraid.

OMG, how horrible! No wonder you keep raking it over - it just doesn't make sense to you. Most mothers would care for their child, even an adult child, who had been paralysed, and also when they were ill as you were. It's hard realising your mum isn't a mum in the sense that most are.

I've had this too (different details, but a very difficult and hurtful mum) and I still rake things she said and did over and I'm in my 40s now. (My mum also thinks she's god's gift to motherhood and never did anything wrong - even though two of her children have cut off contact and I'm on the verge of it!)

I'm not excusing your mum at all but I know some people have a horror of any kind of illness or weakness and it makes them back away. The way she has behaved is not OK but it might help you to think of her as someone who simply can't give you what you need from a mum. I know it's painful

Horrible and disgusting thing to say to your child. Am so sad and furious to read that.

There is no excuse. 'Horror of illness' ? No. Selfishness and nastiness.

Yes, when she is old, ill, frail and in need, she can look elsewhere for support

for you.

What she's saying is that her love is conditional, which it's not supposed to be. It's conditional on you not being an extra burden, and/or behaving in a manner of which she approves.

Atrocious I specifically said it wasn't an excuse, but that if OP's mum cannot act like a mum around her child's needs, and keeps on saying so, then it might help OP to see her as incapable of it.

I speak as someone dealing with a similar mum and it has helped me.

Ok - totally bizarre but I know a family where this actually happened. Long time ago, my parents generation rather than mine so the woman would probably be mid-60's now. Anyway, she had an accident which I guess her family ascribed as her fault for hanging about with the wrong people and they disowned her, totally cut her out and made all her siblings cut her out too.

I think it's an horrific thing to do.

Good grief, well she obviously doesn't give unconditional love, which most parents just do naturally. I would be annoyed if my parents felt that way, and I'd feel unlucky to have them as parents. I don't think your mother doesn't give a shit about you, but I think she 100% puts her needs first, and would never be the type of mum who will support you when you need it.

It reminds me of the 'olden days' when children with any disability would be put up for adoption or into care due to the 'shame' on the family. Is your mother the kind who worries about what others think of the family?

The "Stately homes" thread in relationships might be a good one for you OP.