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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you ever feel guilty?

22 replies

ShesEverSoFamous · 29/10/2014 20:02

So, do you ever feel guilty for "stepping out of family life"? This is what my DM likes to call it.
Next month I am going away to three gigs with friends and staying in hotels for the three nights, my DM keeps banging on about how I am leaving my responsibilities behind and forgetting I have DC or a DH as I've had to take holidays from work and I'm not spending said holidays with my family.
But I don't feel guilty at all, should I? Blush I am actually so looking forward to it!
I don't really know why I am posting this to be honest, I'd just like to poll opinions.

OP posts:
isitsnowingyet · 29/10/2014 20:04

Good for you - go and enjoy yourself. Your DM is probably a teensy bit jealous as perhaps she wasn't 'allowed' to do something similar in her day.

DomiKatetrixortreat · 29/10/2014 20:04

I feel guilty when I go on nights out - not because it's wrong, just because I feel I should be at home cuddling my DC doing motherly tasks, why should I dare to enjoy some child free time Grin

Don't feel guilty at all! Every parent deserves a break every now and again apart from the absent ones, shitheads

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 29/10/2014 20:04

No. I do feel guilty sometimes about how much I work, but I rarely go out so no, I don't feel guilty about it.

I went on holiday for 10 days once without DD. She was fine, didn't burst into flames or anything.

MyNipplesAreOffensive · 29/10/2014 20:05

No, I never feel guilty. I am a good mother, a good wife but I deserve time to myself, to be me. Everyone does. My life doesn't have to stop just because I have children and a husband.

Original poster
ShesEverSoFamous · 29/10/2014 20:08

I'm beginning to think it's the friends I am going with that she has a problem with, they're not married and no DC. Maybe she's worried I will forget to come home.
I wish! Grin

OP posts:
MyNipplesAreOffensive · 29/10/2014 20:13

I think a lot of parents, mothers especially, suffer from martyr syndrome. They deny themselves everything under the guise of "for the family" which makes them miserable and then they take that out on others. We all need and deserve to take care of our ourselves. Your mother probably never got to do those things and so she might be jealous? Would she have a problem with your husband doing it? I doubt it. Even these days it's expected that men will go out and have fun while the woman stays home.

Mums are people too!

Arlagirl · 29/10/2014 20:16

What a depressing attitude.
And one a lot of women have.

Original poster
ShesEverSoFamous · 29/10/2014 20:17

MyNipples DH doesn't really ever go anywhere without us, as much as I'd like him to get out more, he would rather sit comfy on the sofa. Even going to the football is now a family affair.
I think she maybes loves that DH is such a homebody (my DF was forever away on golf, football or rugby weekends) and thinks I should be too.
I should maybe buy her a ticket for one of the gigs and see if she will let her hair down.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 29/10/2014 20:19

I do it a lot, I am a student nurse, I have no choice. Well, I did have a choice, but DP and I decided that it was for the benefit of the family in the end if I do this.

I have no clue what my DC are doing from day to day, I have no clue where their clean uniform is, I have no clue where their PE kit is.

DP has a grip on it though, so the DC are OK!

As long as 'A Parent' has a grip it is fine!

3 gigs with friends over a weekend is fine! I am talking three years. I have even asked them to visit the GPs (ILs) this weekend, so I can get an essay done, that is sending my family 150 miles away, so I can type 3000 words!

You are doing well! Grin

MammaTJ · 29/10/2014 20:20

3 gigs over a months I mean! I actually did read the OP!

Original poster
ShesEverSoFamous · 29/10/2014 20:26

Two of the gigs are on the 25th and 26th and I will be travelling from one city to another and not coming home in between. I feel slightly guilty about this part as technically I could come home but it's too much hassle and I wouldn't be able to have a drink as I'd need to drive.
I'm worried DH is only telling me it's ok because I am so excited, I hope DM doesn't start to get under his skin with her comments.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 29/10/2014 20:28

I'm leaving dh in charge of our 3dds this weekend to travel a distance to see old friends. Dh will be fine - kids will eat crap and wear odd outfits but they will have fun and hopefully dh will appreciate me a little more but friends seem horrified I'm going. It's one night and it's to see a friend going through a rubbish time. Yes we'll go out for a few drinks but not getting blind drunk. I'm actually going to church with her on Sunday as she wants to re start going but hates the thought of going alone, so it's not like we're going to be up to mischief. I've never done it before but if anything I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty!

Original poster
ShesEverSoFamous · 29/10/2014 20:32

I think that is kind of how I feel too m0therofdragons I was wondering if maybe I should be feeling guilty as DM says, but feel reassured now thanks to the posts here.

Thanks
OP posts:
FantasticMax · 29/10/2014 20:32

God no, don't feel guilty ( unless you are leaving young DCs to fend for themselves?!).
I never feel guilty about working or time away - working obviously because it's hardly sitting in a spa day after day, it's productive and providing money to help bring DC up. Time away also good, you don't cease to become an individual with interests and hobbies because you are a mother, and personally I find the break invigorating.
I don't get the martyr thing, suppose I just feel fortunate that my DH and I share the load that allows us both to do the things we love.

thursday · 29/10/2014 20:53

I don't feel guilty at all for doing non-mummy things. I feel..... Something, but it's not guilt. I work full time, and feel quite apart from their lives after several years as a sahm. My youngest misses me a lot and asks me not to go out, don't go for a run, I miss you when you're not here etc. I don't go out or away often but I look forward to it loads. I think regret, that life is so busy, is closer than guilt.

loopylou9 · 29/10/2014 21:03

I feel guilty about everything.
Today I've made the decision to start putting DD in nursery 1 day per week even though I'm at home during the day (work at nights), I feel soooo guilty and probably will every time i drop her off.
I feel guilty if I leave DH looking after DC whilst I get my nails done.
I feel guilty for having a night out and spending money on myself.
I hardly ever buy myself anything, if I do I feel guilty.
DH and I have booked to go away for a weekend next year, I already feel guilty.

If a friend told me these things I would tell her she was being silly and she deserves some time to relax and enjoy yourself, but for some reason I beat myself up about it. Really need to stop.

Janethegirl · 29/10/2014 21:33

Don't feel guilty, go and enjoy.....and take your DM to one sometime in the future. If you pick it carefully, you may have a convert Smile

Original poster
ShesEverSoFamous · 06/11/2014 10:53

Well I went to the first gig of the three on Tuesday night, DM was on the phone at 7am yesterday morning saying she was going to ask if I wanted to go shopping but I was probably too tired. We never go shopping together! I just laughed at her. I may have been the oldest person at that gig but the aching body was worth it just to see Tim McIlrath in all his beautiful glory! Thanks Mumsnet for letting me know that my DM is being silly not me. The countdown is on to the next two! Grin

OP posts:
Jennco · 06/11/2014 12:49

I went away to onholida with my mum for several weeks, leaving behind my DH and 4 kids, Yes I felt terribly guilty - not leaving them - but rather that I was having fun and a "once in a lifetime" holiday without them.

I got alot of flack from other parents and friends, even lost a few, but my DH was fine with it he said he would never take me, so to take the opportunity. (my inlaws supported me- I think)

That said, he has done 2x4month deployments, so alls fair in love and war :D

The kids all had a great time, they missed me (result!!) Dh was thourougly bored, and all looked forward to my return, thus securing my status as needed lol, so all in all it was good for all of us!

You need to do, and not feel guilty, about what works for you as a family and not give a stuff about anyone else.
enjoy the remaining two xx

PiperRose · 06/11/2014 20:56

Hey I am that friend. I'm 40, single and childless with a penchant for musicians who are far too young for me. The mothers of
my married-with-kids friends all probably think I'm a bad influence. To be fair they're probably right.

Cocolabear · 06/11/2014 21:10

No I don't feel guilty!

It's good to be independent and that's something I want to let my DCs know.

DH and I are a team but sometimes we need to do something without the other.

I want to teach my DCs (and especially my DD) that we can do what we want, when we want.

And to my DS's that mums/girlfriends/females can do what they want too. I do not want my boys growing up thinking that their mum stayed at home...

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/11/2014 21:18

I am massively social with a lot of friends. What would make me feel guilty would be neglecting my own needs, or pushing my needs on to my introverted DH and causing us damage as a couple. I would feel guilty if I was unhappy. I would feel guilty if we split up. I would feel guilty if I found myself 50 years old and smashing plates and screaming in th kitchen because I had neglected my needs to the extent that I lost myself.

Does that help put it in perspective OP? Wink Enjoy your gigs!

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