Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want my DD to go paragliding!!!

53 replies

tametortie · 29/10/2014 15:17

My DD is 11 and my pfb. I cant help it, I cant have anymore kids and she is just my princess, my world. I try not to wrap her in cotton wool but I hold my hands up, I'm guilty.

She is on holiday in Spain with her Dad at the moment, back home on Friday and he has just messaged me to say they have been paragliding on a speedboat today and she loved it.

Now before he took her, I specifically said I didn't want her going on water sport stuff on the beach. I hate banana boats etc and I said definitely no paragliding. Cue lots of whispering and tittering from him at the time we had this conversation (a couple of weeks ago..) saying 'silly mummy' 'you can go on them' which she thought was hilarious. But I spoke to her after this conversation and made it clear that this was something I felt strongly about and I really don't want her to go on these things. She agreed at the time.

Now I just feel really hurt and mad. That he undermined me in front of her at the time and that he has just gone ahead and done it anyway which I feel has undermined me further. And hurt that she has disregarded my feelings. Not mad at her, just hurt Sad

What shall I do now? Am I just being silly and need to man up?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 29/10/2014 15:19

If you're in a relationship with him then you should decide together

If you're not unfortunately you don't get to choose what she does in his time if it's legal

Original poster
tametortie · 29/10/2014 15:22

God, should have made that clear- not together. Not been for over 10 years.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 15:23

You need to trust your child's other parent to make sensible and safe choices for her.

If you have any reason to believe that he wouldn't do that, then presumably you wouldn't have let him take her to Spain.

I don't think it was fair for you to talk to your dd about how strongly you feel about this and then to expect her to stick to what you want when you knew her other parent was going to be with her and that they both wanted to make a reasonable but different choice to you. It was a conversation that you should have had with your ex, but even then, he isn't automatically obliged to agree with you over something like this.

CatKisser · 29/10/2014 15:23

You're both her parents though so I don't think your wants trump his. You know you can't wrap her up in cotton wool forever - can't you try and see it as a positive that you've clearly got a brave daughter? I was a total wuss at her age! I o get the undermining aspect, but if they'd told you you'd have only said no...

WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 15:25

Also, they have no more disregarded your feelings than you have disregarded your dds and her fathers feelings. You have no need to feel hurt.

zippyandbungle · 29/10/2014 15:25

Agree with it not been fair to put the onus on your Dd. It's done and shes safe and probably had a ball doing it.

Original poster
tametortie · 29/10/2014 15:26

I suspect I am being over-protective, I know I am.

It was a conversation I did try to have with him but he made a big joke of it (and of my feelings) which is why I had a conversation with her, not a guilt tripping conversation just more along the lines of 'I know I worry but....'

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 29/10/2014 15:27

You really need to deal with the way he undermines you. Did you pull him up on the "silly mummy" what dd he say?

InfinitySeven · 29/10/2014 15:27

You're being ridiculous.

You can't ban her from paragliding because she's your PFB. You can worry, and you can wish that she spent her time wrapped in cotton wool and stayed inside at all times, but you can't actually restrict her life.

You need to work on this now, because it'll only get worse. Soon enough she'll be wanting to stay out all night, she'll be drinking with friends, she'll be learning to drive or being driven by her new-driver friends. She'll be paintballing and going abroad, and go-karting and abseiling. It's fun.

Let go of your rage now, and remind yourself that she is fine. Then when you speak to her next, forget about all the earlier stuff, and ask her if she had fun. Let her tell you about it. Be excited for her. Then try to reign this in, so she doesn't know how much you worry. You'll kill her appetite for adventure, and likely give her anxiety problems.

You can't control how you feel, but if you let her get on with it, you'll get used to it. In the meantime, don't verbalise it.

mynewpassion · 29/10/2014 15:29

She did it and is now fine. She probably had a grand time. Don't ruin her enjoyment.

LittleBairn · 29/10/2014 15:29

Of course she can ban her she's her mother and her child is a minor.
It doesn't matter if the activity is considered safe by others her mother said she may not do it.

Original poster
tametortie · 29/10/2014 15:29

infinityseven- very sensible, thank you. I could exhaust myself with being the bad guy all the time, couldn't I??

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2014 15:32

I go paragliding and I wouldn't be happy about paragliding on a beach in Spain. I've no idea what h&s rules they have to adhere to but I suspect its not as strict as this country. I've seen dodgy/unsafe stuff while on holiday to do with beach parascending.

WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 15:33

LittleBairn, her father said she could do it though, the mothers opinion doesn't automatically overrule the fathers.

Your ex shouldn't undermine you, but you shouldn't undermine him either. You have recognised that you are being over protective and PFB, and it will be hard for you to watch your dd grow up and do things that worry you, but unless you want to restrict your dd and make things difficult for her, you are going to have to learn to cope with it.

Davsmum · 29/10/2014 15:34

Don't pass your fears onto your DD or restrict her based on how YOU feel. Presumably the paragliding was supervised and all safety precautions in place?
I doubt her Dad would put her in danger - You allowed her to go on holiday with him so you must trust he is responsible enough?

I think it is great your DD is adventurous enough to try these things - you should be proud of her!

Original poster
tametortie · 29/10/2014 15:38

Vivalabeaver- that's my worry and what I tried to say to him. I also think 11 is too young but its done now.

OP posts:
titchy · 29/10/2014 15:38

Littlebairn - she can't ban her if her other parent has agreed to it, short of getting a court order.

VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2014 15:38

Oh and its doubtful that their holiday insurance would have covered any accident.

Rafflesway · 29/10/2014 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tametortie · 29/10/2014 15:42

MMMMM- he sorted the travel insurance so I don't know.

I hope that if he was planning to paraglide a few weeks before they went, then he would have sorted it??

I hope so!!

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2014 15:43

And if it was a solo flight you wouldn't be allowed to do it in the uk till 14.

I'm quite keen on extreme sports. I've done a lot of white water kayaking and rafting in this country. I refused to do white water rafting in Uganda down the Nile as I knew there would be no rules, regulations, qualifications for instructors, etc.

We're off to Costa Rica soon and I'm considering rafting in Costa Rica but I'm doing quite a bit of research about the different companies out there before deciding.

LittleBairn · 29/10/2014 15:45

No a mothers opinion shouldn't automatically over rule the fathers but if they are married it would have dire consequences in the marriage if one parent constantly belittles the other parent in front of the child.

WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 15:47

OP said early on that they weren't married.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2014 16:27

Tamtortie I am sorry this has happened to you and I feel for you.

Here is a thread that may interest you. It mentions insurance, I wonder if your ex was aware of this.

www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowTopic-g312737-i9292-k5589785-Paragliding_for_teenagers_is_it_safe-Oludeniz_Mugla_Province_Turkish_Aegean_Coast.html

I think you and your dd could have a chat about what is suitable to do. I feel IMHO that as her parent you can decide and generally if two parents disagree whether a child can do 'a thing' I would say the child should not do 'the thing', whatever it is. It is not in my mind that the mum should overrule the dad - it is that the more 'liberal' parent should not overrule the more 'protective' one.

Better if you can both agree but if not it seems totally wrong he makes fun of you and your fears and gets your dd to go against what is said.

Having said this you may wish to work on your anxieties about your dd and work out with her together what is safe etc.

My dd is very adventurous and fit and I am sure I would not worry about most sorts of high adrenaline activity but I would be very protective when it comes to nights out as dd might easier find them harder to navigate.

You know your own child best. Hopefully, she has a real idea of what she can mange and what can be safe/unsafe and you can work on this together, rather than just telling her what is what, and she will be better able to make decisions in her teens and as an adult.

How safe is paragliding is something no one can really know because it may come down the equipment provider. I think SCUBA is very safe but I had a diving incident years ago that put me off SCUBA, it was due to sub standard equipment. So knowing who will provide the equipment etc is important. Ideally, you need to be able to trust your ex to check it out properly and if you do not trust him to do so you may be justified in being concerned. So if you ex looks after dd in another country and this situation will come up again you need to find a way through so you can trust your ex to make wise choices. I would Personally discuss all this (calmly) once he is back with your dd and try and find a new way through this. IMVHO your fears are not unfounded but the long term question is working through this and checking your own concerns to see if they are founded or not.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2014 16:34

Sorry I mean

IMVHO your fears in this case are not unfounded but the long term question is working through this and checking your own general concerns to see if they are founded or not.