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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want my DD to go paragliding!!!

53 replies

tametortie · 29/10/2014 15:17

My DD is 11 and my pfb. I cant help it, I cant have anymore kids and she is just my princess, my world. I try not to wrap her in cotton wool but I hold my hands up, I'm guilty.

She is on holiday in Spain with her Dad at the moment, back home on Friday and he has just messaged me to say they have been paragliding on a speedboat today and she loved it.

Now before he took her, I specifically said I didn't want her going on water sport stuff on the beach. I hate banana boats etc and I said definitely no paragliding. Cue lots of whispering and tittering from him at the time we had this conversation (a couple of weeks ago..) saying 'silly mummy' 'you can go on them' which she thought was hilarious. But I spoke to her after this conversation and made it clear that this was something I felt strongly about and I really don't want her to go on these things. She agreed at the time.

Now I just feel really hurt and mad. That he undermined me in front of her at the time and that he has just gone ahead and done it anyway which I feel has undermined me further. And hurt that she has disregarded my feelings. Not mad at her, just hurt Sad

What shall I do now? Am I just being silly and need to man up?

OP posts:
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 29/10/2014 16:43

I would be mad if this had happened to me too. There is no way I would let my daughter go paragliding because it can be very dangerous, people have died doing it. I think it is unfair that her dad chose to ignore your wishes and I would have words with him when he got back.

Don't be too mad with your daughter though, she probably has no idea how dangerous is is and if he has said it is fine she would have gone along with it.

MrMeaner · 29/10/2014 16:43

I'm guessing there may be a mix up here between parasailing and paragliding. The former happens on the sea/lake, the latter normally off a mountain...

In either case, I'm afraid YABU - be excited for her and commend her sense of adventure

VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2014 16:50

Nope. The difference between parasailing (or parascending) and paragliding is the type of canopy used.

Parasailing/parascending is what happens on holidays, using a round canopy which are much more stable. You go up and you go down.

Paraglider are a more rectangular shape and are steerable. So you can fly from thermal to thermal and stay up a lot longer. They're a lot easier to collapse.

I started on a round canopy, then progressed to a paraglider. But we generally do it in a field and tie ourselves to either a winch or a landrover (seriously) to get towed up. A lot of paragliding clubs operate like this.

titchy · 29/10/2014 16:52

Agree not paragliding - must be parascending. Which is legal for solo under 14s in the UK.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 29/10/2014 16:52

People have does doing pretty much anything and everything that humans ever do Sootica crossing roads, travelling in cars, playing low risk team sports, sleeping... Hmm

googoodolly · 29/10/2014 16:56

I understand your fears OP but unless it's illegal, what she does on her dad's time with her isn't your business to control. He's her parent just as much as you are, and has as much right to make decisions as you do.

How would you feel if he sat you down and told you he disagreed with something you did with her, and tried to ban it? I assume you'd be pretty pissed off, right?

It's the same thing - your DD is with her dad - her parent. He can decide if she can go paragliding or not while she's in his care. It's not your decision to make.

Original poster
tametortie · 29/10/2014 16:58

She has done the thing where you are up in the air on a little parachute being pulled by a speedboat- does that clarify?? Prob not!!

I won't be mad with DD, not mad at all. I think there is a certain sense of 'I know what your fears are and I'm going to play on them' with my ex. He just thinks it's absolutely hilarious that I'm afraid of her doing things like that and he plays on it.

I think if I hadn't said I don't want her to do it, he wouldn't have thought twice about her paragliding.

OP posts:
Original poster
tametortie · 29/10/2014 17:02

I know the above sounds suspicious and dramatic reading it back, but that is my gut feeling and I take that from his response when I didn't want her to go. But unless I keep my mouth shut, I will be the bad guy.

Doesn't stop me worrying and fearing for her though....

OP posts:
googoodolly · 29/10/2014 17:08

Of course you worry! It's natural, my mum worries about me and I haven't lived at home for seven years!

But, you need to accept that your wants/desires don't override her dad's when it comes to things like this. On his time, it's his choice, just like when she's with you, it's your choice.

VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2014 17:15

Parascending under 14 is only legal in the uk if the line isn't released.

I think most holiday type places probably don't release the line. But I've seen a nasty accident where they brought someone down on the wrong part of the beach as they were so out of control and the bloke crashed into a wall and broke his legs.

There's plenty of "funny" you've been framed type videos where someone flips upside down, etc. all very funny until someone falls out. Be interesting to know if they weighed her and if she met minimum weight requirements for the canopy.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2014 17:23

Of course people have died doing all kinds of things. But then we still evaluate risk. It's not just about dying. I did a Bungee jump in my twenties, no harm done, a friend did an even higher one and traces her back problems back to that!

I guess all sport can be dangerous, a friend broke a leg playing table tennis, but generally people still feel the need to evaluate things.

Some sports can be more dangerous www.al.com/news/beaches/index.ssf/2014/07/after_8_parasailing_deaths_in.html

Tamtortie if you really think your dh is making decisions based on your fears I think you need to think carefully how to speak to him in future.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2014 17:26

parasailing = behind a boat. paragliding/-ascending= untethered flight with a steerable canopy.

The first wouldn't bother me. DS1 did it at 13.

The second, a tandem flight with a reputable school/business would be fine. As far as a solo flight I can't think of a school that would allow an 11 year old to solo.

My DH has been flying hang gliders since he was 19. DS2 took his first solo off a training hill at 14.

titchy · 29/10/2014 18:03

I think we can safely assume she was parascending, with a tethered line!

Good on her for being brave enough! OP you definitely need to manage your fears, and certainly don't show them to your ex if you think he will play on them. If you have real concerns about his perception of risk, that someone impartial would agree with (and doing a perfectly legal activity abroad wouldn't meet that threshold) then you may have to rethink his contact, via court if necessary.

VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2014 18:12

Î guess it depends on how you perceive the risk.

I'd happily let dd ski off a mountain tied to someone with a paraglider that you get in the Alps. I'd say that's safer than been tied to the back of a boat in Spain.

Difference IMHO been the paraglider on skis will probably have some idea what he's doing. The bloke in Spain may be fairly good at driving a boat and have bought a secondhand harness and canopy the day before and figured it can't be too difficult to make some money out of it.

Just because something is legal doesn't mean its safe.

VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2014 18:16

I just asked dh who's a paragliding instructor and he said there isn't enough regulation of such operations for him to be happy about them.

whois · 29/10/2014 19:22

Doesn't stop me worrying and fearing for her though....

But this is your problem, don't put it onto DD. I think you were out of order to tell her not to because you worry.

If she is brave enough and wants to, and ex isn't a totally idiot and at least found a slightly reputable operation and had adequate travel insurance in place then I don't see the problem.

We should all seek to broaden our children's horizons and experiences, not narrow them.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 29/10/2014 23:09

Yabvu to have those kind of conversations with your 11yo child. What makes you think it's ok to put a child in that position? Did you think she was going to stand up to her dad and say "sorry, I want to and you want me to but mum says no"??

His undermining of you is wrong (the silly mummy comments) but he is her father and does get to make decisions. You don't always have to like them but it would be unusual if you didn't make decisions that he didn't like but has to suck up because she's with you.

Either way the biggest wrong here is how skewed your views on your child are. Never put a child in the middle. Her not standing up to her parent and refusing something they both wanted is not her not considering your feelings fgs, she's a child.

Preciousbane · 29/10/2014 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 29/10/2014 23:45

OP - you know you are being over protective of your daughter. You will either completely curb her enthusiasm for life or she will start to lie to you about what she is doing. Now, given that I am sure you don't want to end up in either of those situations you need to get a grip of yourself. You can't stop her doing anything 'fun' in case she gets hurt. She is much more likely to end up in a car accident than in any other kind of accident, but I'm guessing you drive her around? It's not fair to keep projecting your fear on to her and saying things like 'You know I worry'. Not to mention the fact that if you go on about that all the time she'll just tune out then when there is a situation where it's important she listens to you, she wont.

Secondly, you cannot tell your exdh or your DD how they are and aren't allowed to spend their time together anymore than he can dictate to you. It's his decision to make when she is with him. IF you think he isn't fit to parent her then you need to go back to court.

If you think he does stuff to wind you up, then don't feed it.

I am really sorry you get so worried and upset, it's no way to live Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 30/10/2014 00:30

tametortie I hope you are feeling Ok. I just re-read your original post and it struck me it says ".... he has just messaged me to say they have been paragliding on a speedboat today and she loved it."

Do you think that was calculated to make you worry. I hope you can find some strategy for managing your ex's behaviour.

I'm quite shocked that he doesn't respect your views and at the end of the day whether things are safe or not is sometimes hard to gauge when you are not there. I hope you manage to control your anxiety, if you feel your concerns are out of hand can you speak to an independent person in real life.

I am not sure if your views are over the top based on just one activity. I can't imagine wanting my child to do para-sending at 11 (she is currently 10) but I would feel differently if I was there at could see it was all safe/good equipment etc.

Original poster
tametortie · 30/10/2014 07:07

Sorry I didn't come back earlier- horrible evening.

Regarding posts above- I do know I have an issue regarding my anxiety around dd but part of my fear was exactly the fact that I don't see paragliding on a beach as a safe activity. I don't see that they would have the same safety considerations as properly arranged activities which she has done on adventure holidays with the school. Just my opinion. But I know I do worry!!

The reason I spoke to DD was to sort of show that I'm not 'silly mummy'. Just to say why I was saying I'd prefer her not to. It's a bitter pill to swallow to watch ex whispering his point of view to her in front of me and her absolutely laughing her head off at whatever he is saying. I'm not sure I put her in the middle but I felt I did not want to leave it as I was just being negative. She then heard the reasons why I didn't want her to then apparently chose to do it herself.

Ex called late last night and put dd on the phone to say 'she wasn't dead' and 'I shouldn't worry' then he proceeded to tell me what an absolute joke I am and that I have ruined their holiday with my paranoia. Then text messages saying sorry but it's my fault cos I make him angry.

I guess I will always be a worrier- bought up by worriers!- but I still think I am entitled to an opinion on what she does the same as he is entitled to an opinion on her childminder etc.

Can't wait till she is home to be honest Sad

OP posts:
EveDallasRetd · 30/10/2014 07:19

What a fucking good job it is that he's an ex then. Wanker.

FWIW DH wanted to take DD paragliding/cending when we were on holiday in Tunisia. I really wasn't happy with it, and for the same reasons (safety aspect, no checks, no idea if the sport was regulated etc). Plus the big one for me was that we had already seen the company allowing holidaymakers that had been drinking take part.

I was pooh poohed, silly mummy worrying and all that bollocks too. They went to the beach to do it, put their names down and watched 3 or 4 people finishing their turns. The last person to do it (an adult male) crashed into the beach hitting a wooden parasol. There was lots of screaming/ambulance etc.

Funnily enough DD changed her mind at that point.

ThatBloodyWoman · 30/10/2014 07:19

YABU.
It seems to me that she wanted to do it, and she was with her Dad.
I'm so grateful neither of my parents restricted my love of adventurous pursuits....

Original poster
tametortie · 30/10/2014 07:19

Thanks for the advice here though- it's been golden. Xxxx

I need to stop being like the dad fish on finding nemo!! Smile

OP posts:
s113 · 30/10/2014 07:32

Far more likely to be hurt on the roads. As a pedestrian we are all at the mercy of drivers who are drunk and/or without insurance, and many of us cross the road every day.

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