NCT group really getting me down

[Bee14]

For some reason this is really getting to me. LO is 5 months and I have 2.5 months left of mat leave (I will be first of gorup to go back by a month or two., if I'm honest I find it hard being with LO all day on my own and DH works from 6-7, I am also finding a couple of things hard at the moment (sleep, weaning and moving to own room - normal baby stuff).

What I would really love is to go out for a coffee and chat to other mums to get tips, reassurance and just break up the day! This is everything I thought my NCT group would be, but its not. We're a pretty spread out group (to see most of the group I would need to get a bus), and when we first met I didnt really click with anyone, but thought having babies would mean we had more in common, but its never really been like that, either in terms of frequency of meet ups (a couple of the group every few weeks) or in bonding (have met up and run out of things to say). I have reached out a couple of times recently and gotten a couple of "yeah great to meet up soon but cant do this week".

Am finding this really hard, both because I could really do with this sort of support (and because I feel like I am doing something wrong as they don't seem to need the support) and because I feel like a billy no mates - I have a good spread of other friends, but none are particularly nearby, and most are either dedicated singles or have older children (and even speaking to the ones with kids, they all seem to have made at least one great friend via NCT). Putting some perspective on it I have always found it hard to make friends quickly (I think I am a bit standoffish and find it hard to be this exciting interesting person who everyone wants to be friends with straight off the bat). Did any one else feel this? I am trying to go to other classes, but everyone headed straight off after the massage group I joined and the mum I have been chatting to at another class has just announced she is off to live abroad for a year.

Oh Bee, you sound like you have lost a lot of confidence.
My NCT group was a bit meh. Two mum's in our group clicked and became inseparable and excluded everyone else. They only used to include others if the other one was not about, so I always felt like a reserve! I'm not in frequent contact with any of the group now. I made a v good friend in a PN group.
My friend's NCT group was similar in that she had made no long term friends, just contacts.
In the time you have left on maternity leave, try going to groups but don't put pressure on yourself socially. If a friendship it's going to develop with anyone it will happen naturally and easily. Just be yourself and don't compare yourself with others. Especially those who look super confident and like motherhood is effortless and super glamorous. You don't know what it's going on in their heads and they are probably thinking the same thing about you.
Have you read abook by Naomi Stadlen, 'What Mothers Do' ? I think you would like it.
Hope you get some sleep.

Mumsnet )and other parenting websites), have local pages and also do meet ups. You could try posting there and saying your interesting in meeting local mums, there is probably already a post like that for your area.

If NCT meetups are not working for you don't go. It seems a shame to be spending your ML doing something you don't enjoy.

Have you looked at your local library website for story time for babies groups, or adult education short courses with a creche at your local adult ed or FE college?

Does you local village hall have a mums and tots group?

My NCT group was similar. I had no contact with them after I went back to work.

When you return to work, will your DC be going to nursery? DD1 is now 6 and all the parents that I go out socially with are parents who used the same nursery. I think this worked because we have a lot in common.

Do you have a SureStart centre nearby? They run baby playgroups, which I found a bit of a lifeline for other people to share a moan with.

I had better luck with my local NCT bumps and babies group. It was bigger, local and more friendly.

Sorry you're feeling like this. I know it's hard to put yourself out there, I'm the same.

Here are some of the things I used to do locally and met people that way:

• baby swimming classes, suggest staying for a coffee afterwards
• library baby rhyme time, lots of mums chat afterwards. Or just visit the library and you might meet others there.
• leisure centre soft play sessions - ours has 45 min sessions 4 times a week where they set up trampoline, bouncy castle, trikes, soft play blocks, baby toys, arts and crafts, etc for babies to school age.
• a local baby-friendly coffee shop
• hanging around in the local playground
• at the health visitor when waiting to be weighed

Lastly, the place I actually made the most friends was when picking up the children from nursery. Chatting to mums while putting coats on, walking out the door together. Children already know each other so you can ask whether they'd like to meet up at the park one day or come round to yours. So you might get this when you go back to work.

Good luck.

You sound just like me! I had this but luckily a couple of mums were dedicated to meeting up too, to stay sane.

Whereabouts are you?

I'm sorry your NCT group isn't working out for you - mine was a life line. However I also made friends at several if the other groups I went to so keep trying.

Btw the reason the other NCT-ers won't get together might be that they are also struggling. I found that lots if women I knew would say 'it's all fine!' And then their DH's would tell my DH that everything was assuredly not fine.

Having a new baby can be hard, it does get easier I promise.

I tried the NCT group but they were very cliquey and snooty.

There were other groups though, just local ones run by Mums themselves- I did 3 a week when mine were little and they were great. Try your HV or library or local church for info.

I remember feeling so desperate for some friends that I would have crawled over hot coals. My regular friends just didn't understand how, baby didn't do anything on cue and just how tired I was. I didn't join NCT but did join a sure start play group. I was so nervous going and it took a few visits but I made friends. I found it helped one I evaluated myself. I presumed people would take one look at this over weight frumpy mess and not want anything to do with me. But I forced myself to smile at strangers and say hello. I found the babies were a brilliant way of making small talk. How old is he/she? That's a lovely outfit where it from? We all booked over sleeping issues! Comisserating each other.
I've kept in touch with most of the group and two I now consider to be my closest friends.

It might be worth looking into of your local school or church's run baby and toddler groups as ours do. Good luck Bee!

Echo what BlueGreen said. My NCT group are fab but it the early days it often turned out that if any of them went off radar for a bit it was because they were struggling. Might be worth continuing to reach out?

If it's not that then yes, there are other places to meet new mums. Have you got a SureStart centre nearby? Do you go to any groups? I met people through baby massage and baby swimming classes. I have also recently volunteered to run a meet up for the NCT.

My NCT group didn't work out either, to the point where the one lovely girl in the group saw two of the others in the park and they blanked her. I have stayed in touch with the lovely girl but we live a different sides of the world now so she's not handy for a cup of tea.
I looked at it like going back to school, at school you ended up in a class with people just because they're birthdays were round the same time as you were born. At school I was quite happy with the fact that I wasn't going to get on with everyone and once I started thinking about the NCT in the same way - that it was a bunch of people put together with only our due dates in common I felt a lot better.

I felt similar with my nct lot, especially as many of them live quite close to each other yet I'm much further away. I tried very hard to arrange meet ups and it did continue sporadically till we went back to work but I've seen them very little since. On the other hand I had far more luck with the mums I met at a baby group set up by my sure start centre. It took quite a while for us to gel (quite a shy bunch) but we got there and they're mostly dead local. Some of us have the same day off per week so we tend to meet up on that day and sometimes on weekends too.
I know its really disappointing when your nct group isn't quite what you hoped.

I'm not in touch with any of my NCT group. One of my dearest friends I met at a local church hall mum and baby group (I'm not a church goer and neither is she, it was just where the group met) . We're still great friends 10yrs later. NCT aren't the be all and end all. Just look ring around your local village/church halls and there are bound to be mums and baby type groups. Finding a friend will make all the differnce to your sanity, it will happen!

My closest friend I met through netmums (!), and there are now 4 of us who meet up regularly. Took a few false starts but so glad I put myself out there

My top tip for getting to know people at groups is to arrive 5 mins early and offer to help set up, or stay at the end and help clear up. Most are run by volunteers who a) will be grateful and b) are likely to know a lot of other mums so it is a good way to break the ice and forge some links. Many, many mums feel the same way, the groups exist largely because of this reason (they aren't really for the babies). I also found that if you could find one that required enrollment, eg swimming, it would be a smaller group, same people every week and easier to get to know them.

Our NCT group got together every few weekes during mat leave but only once or twice in the few years since. I'm still in touch with a couple but only one regularly (as our kids are at the same nursery).

I met baby friends through swimming, Baby Sensory and Buggy Fit. I'd try a few activities - I liked having a "full" diary.

Life is too short to hang around an nct group you don't get on with. Some strike it lucky, others don't. Move on! Find another group, or just hang out with a friend with kids when she takes them to the park - you're bound to meet some other pregnant women there you might like!

Been wondering if I did the right thing on not doing NCT (due in 5 weeks) and glad I glad I didn't now. Our nearest group is East Dulwich and tbh I didn't think I would fit in with all the yummy mummies Will take up some of the suggestions here once the baby arrives. Will be trying to make sure I keep up with my work friends though by going up to meet for lunch etc and hopefully the odd after work drinks!! Really don't want to end up with all social life based around babies - urgh!

35 years ago we started a mother and toddler group as there was nothing in our area. Six of my closest friends I met there. Some of the children are still in touch though they have moved away. We are all comparing notes on our grandchildren now! It is hard at first but I am sure you will find somewhere that suits you.

Have you tried going to church baby groups? I found lots of friendly
Mums there, also baby music groups etc

It wasn't until I was 3 weeks in to the anti natal NCT course that I had paid a lot of money for that I realised that I was the only non-midwife in the group. The leader knew but didn't let on. Now midwives are lovely as a bunch, but I hadn't a clue and wasn't twigging the in jokes and insider knowledge. I remember particularly the activity where we were asked to draw the facial expression we expected to have in labour. I drew an 'arrrrgh' face and all the midwives drew smiley happy faces. It was then I realised that I was out of place in the group!

I didn't go back and never got my money back - never really forgotten the discomfort I felt at a time when I was very vulnerable.

Sorry that was a bit random but I'd avoid NCT like the plague.

Exactly the same with my antenatal NCT group and don't see any of them now. Like Rogan i met lots of lovel people at NCT bumps and babies however, and we're still in touch now we're all back at work.