NCT group really getting me down

[Bee14]

For some reason this is really getting to me. LO is 5 months and I have 2.5 months left of mat leave (I will be first of gorup to go back by a month or two., if I'm honest I find it hard being with LO all day on my own and DH works from 6-7, I am also finding a couple of things hard at the moment (sleep, weaning and moving to own room - normal baby stuff).

What I would really love is to go out for a coffee and chat to other mums to get tips, reassurance and just break up the day! This is everything I thought my NCT group would be, but its not. We're a pretty spread out group (to see most of the group I would need to get a bus), and when we first met I didnt really click with anyone, but thought having babies would mean we had more in common, but its never really been like that, either in terms of frequency of meet ups (a couple of the group every few weeks) or in bonding (have met up and run out of things to say). I have reached out a couple of times recently and gotten a couple of "yeah great to meet up soon but cant do this week".

Am finding this really hard, both because I could really do with this sort of support (and because I feel like I am doing something wrong as they don't seem to need the support) and because I feel like a billy no mates - I have a good spread of other friends, but none are particularly nearby, and most are either dedicated singles or have older children (and even speaking to the ones with kids, they all seem to have made at least one great friend via NCT). Putting some perspective on it I have always found it hard to make friends quickly (I think I am a bit standoffish and find it hard to be this exciting interesting person who everyone wants to be friends with straight off the bat). Did any one else feel this? I am trying to go to other classes, but everyone headed straight off after the massage group I joined and the mum I have been chatting to at another class has just announced she is off to live abroad for a year.

My nct was similar, I was the only unmarried one, only one who hadnt been to a private school and only one without bags of money for spa weekends and outrageously over the top gatherings for our babies. As a result they would do things and not ask me to join. In the end I gave up and joined a mums group at the local children's centre. It was the best move I made. Met a diverse selection of excellent people who have hung out with since and it was a lifeline . I suggest forgetting nct and trying another group. I know its hard but there are loads of grear people out there xx

I agree slightly, I was never a member of NCT, lots of lovely groups round where I am. But it's a bit cringeworthy when I see on FB, my friend who are NCT members having group weekends away with the DH too! My dh would hate that!

My NCT group is ok, nice enough people, but i am the least 'educated' of them and sometimes feel myself drifting off when they are all discussing their careers (mostly teaching, some have gone back recently) and seriously panic that the only thing i can think of to talk about is housework related. Pathetic. This is the first time in my life i have felt this!

I know i have lots to say and lots to give - in most situations i can talk to anyone about anything you like. I've had an interesting life - but am not an academic. When you go out especially to meet up with a group of people socially; then find after an hour you're fighting the urge to just stare out of the window, you start to think ''this isn't working for me. Why?'' ... and then ''there must be something wrong with me''. I don't know what to do about it. NCT wise i mean.

(i plucked up the courage to go to the local church mother and baby group this morning for the very first time deep breath, be brave - got there - and found no one there ... half term!)

As others have said, if you keep trying other place, it's likely you'll meet a few chums. My NCT group was great and we are still in touch but now we're onto second babies, it's much harder to meet up. Can I just add as one of the World's greatest moaners that maternity leave isn't a bundle of laughs for everyone and I haven't really enjoyed either of them (although my elder child is a toddler now and I'm finding that much better despite the tantrums!).

I didn't hit it off with my NCT group at all. Never saw a single one of them after the last lesson. The rest seemed to get on though so it must have been me

Hahahaha! Let us know how that goes elfo . Imagine, having to socialise with all those 'mummies' - aka other women with whom for the next few months you will have an immense amount in common. How awful for you. I love to hear women being written off as uninteresting/unworthy of effort because they have children.

I agree hattie and I also don't think it's that surprising that the poster who said "all groups are up themselves wenches" struggled to make friends either.

They are just people. Some you will get on with and some you won't. My NCT group still hang out as a group occasionally but not all of them are people I find easy to get on with. Lots of other good suggestions on here.

It's not you, OP. When you think about it, all you have in common is being female and having a child. I just didn't particularly like any of my NCT group - nothing wrong with them, apart from one moany, snobbish Scot, just not my sort of person - so while I did meet some of them semi-regularly when my son was very new and I was completely miserable and isolated, it didn't 'stick'. When we moved away, I never stayed in touch, and although some of the others still live close to one another, I doubt they still see one another.

In fact, thinking about the NCT now only reminds me of a period of my life I found terribly hard. With a time machine, I wouldn't bother again.

I have found the church baby/toddler groups to be really welcoming. There was always someone who would notice your newbie status. Maybe take the pressure off yourself to make friends and just try to have a chat with people. It's a rotten feeling.

I run a baby & toddler group and second all the people who have suggested finding some local ones and giving them a go.

At a good group you will be made to feel welcome by the people running it - I always look out for newcomers and try to introduce them to others who live near them or have children of a similar age.

It's absolutely true that what appears a 'clique' at first is just a few people who know each other, it doesn't mean they wouldn't love to know more people and be welcoming. Our group is very friendly and full of people who know each other - because they started coming to the group!

I would advise going to the same group at least 3 times to give it a good try. You'll know after that if it's for you or not. Please don't go just once and decide you don't like it, you will be nervous and it can feel excruciating the first time you walk into somewhere new, your brain won't be in the best state to make a snap judgment. Also if you go once and it takes a while to summon up the courage to go back don't worry people don't mind/won't be offended if you don't go every week, it doesn't matter.

I don't know why I did nct classes as I'm not the sort to join in heavily organised stuff like that at all, I find it hard going. OTOH i liked going to rhyme time at the library and the little baby friendly cafe in town as I could always find a friendly face but didn't feel obliged to go regularly or be best friends with them all. Perhaps the rest of your group are more like me? I echo what everyone else says: keep trying local activities and groups and you will find something that suits. FWIW I also found maternity leave a bit tedious and hard work. Good luck with getting the support you need.

Really not a fan of NCT groups either, as a midwife or a punter. Dh and I felt completely different from the rest of our group as we lived in Oxford at the time and the nearest group was uber middle class and everyone was an intellectual/academic of some description! I met up with them about 3 times, each more painful than the last and ( not that this helps in any way) didn't meet any 'mum' friends til dd1 started school. Hang on in there, maternity leave can be utter shit & I found it all actually improved when I went back to work and became 'me' again.

YANBU. Ours was worse than useless - none of them even lived anywhere near us, and we didn't click with any of them (they all had shedloads more money than we did and were a bit sneery about it). But I do have a friend who's still in touch with most of her NCT group years after the babies were born, so it's not always a disaster - it's complete luck of the draw.

I still don't have any "mum" friends, but that's not remotely a problem because I work full-time anyway - it would be harder if I were at home more. For me, too, going back to work made life a lot easier and more pleasant: I love DD but just don't have the patience to be at home with her all the time, and it was very confidence-draining feeling that I was failing all the time.

Most of the NCT group I went to were very smug and judgemental. I was very much frowned upon for formula feeding ds. I had severe pnd and joined this group looking for support .
I stopped going, just got fed up with them trying to outdo each other with tales of worthy activities.

I seem to have been very lucky with my NCT groups then, all full of normal people, FF or BF equally welcome, no cliques or smugness at all and many have transformed into long term friends. The ones in my ante-natal group did all have shedloads of money compared to us (and still do 10 years on) but it just doesn't matter, we meet for coffee and have the odd day out to parks etc with the DCs, no expensive stuff at all, they are an absolute rock in my life.

I sympathise OP - I was so lonely for a lot of my maternity leave. My NCT group were lovely but they only met rarely after the first couple of months and my baby had odd nap times so often clashed.

I joined lots of baby courses (music, swimming etc) but never really got beyond the "hello" stage with any of the women I met there, they were all straight off after the class.

I'd agree with the recommendations to try other sorts of groups - especially drop in groups like NCT coffee mornings or breastfeeding cafes (if you are BFing). I think those kinds of groups are the most likely to be full of people looking for a friendly face to chat to/a bit of company. And also agree you need to go at least 3 times - I've only ever got to the conversation stage after 3 rounds of "hello and smile".

WhoKnows my NCT group have been amazing too, an absolute lifeline. They're all lovely. We still meet up 2-3 times a week (babies are 11 months):

I had a average NCT group. Met once a fortnight or do but in the early days it was great as we would all find out new things together - eg we once all went to library baby bounce together - some of us kept going others never went again. Met loads of other nice mind at gymboree and sure start

I think NCT groups are very hit and miss so I wouldn't want anyone reading this thread to be put off them. It really depends on who is in your group, so your due date and how frequently they run classes in your area, I think.

I was pleased as mine were all due close together (our 8 were born within about 16 days of each other) but we were all scattered around 1 town and 4 villages so not easy to arrange meet-ups.

However, 6 of us are still in touch and we all get on really well. The other two - one moved away and the other lost touch after going back to work full-time. We all used to meet up once a week on a set day (turn up if you're free, don't worry if not), then we all went back to work part-time and had Fridays off and met up. I did used to find it lonely as I was one of the last to go back to work, and also one of the only ones without family locally so had more time on my hands, so I did go out and try and make friends at swimming classes, library baby singing, etc.

A wide range of ages from 23 to 48, but we did all get on once we persevered with meeting up and got to know each other better.

Now the children are all at school (different ones for all due to locations), we still meet up as a big group of families twice a year for birthday and Christmas parties, and the mums meet up around once every 2-3 months for a night out, dads maybe 3 times a year.

Now the children are older they are actually drifting apart as they have school friends but the parents are still close. NCT classes were definitely worth it for us.

It's luck of the draw really with NCT groups. They can be excellent or can be very cliquey,

I have friends who really enjoyed theirs and found a good cross-section of people who had more than just babies in common. Our local NCT, on the other hand, has always reflected the rather rarified atmosphere of a slightly precious and very middle class town. This was the case 30 odd years ago when I had my dcs and nothing much has changed. My ddil knew, and indeed liked individual members of the local NCT group but found herself somewhat out on a limb when they gathered en masse.

So I found friendship and support from other mother and baby/toddler groups. Some of our dcs remain friends to this day. It's just a question of trying different groups until you find one that feels right. My ddil did similarly and found that the best group was actually connected to a local church although there was no requirement to be a member of that church or indeed religious at all.

I tried to join a local NCT group and was told the course was full. I was chatting to another pregnant mum to be when waiting at hospital when she told me her friend was the head honcho at the local NCT and she had forced/persuaded her to join the course I had tried to get on. I was fuming but decided they weren't very nice people. Well it made me feel a bit better, I felt like crying when she first told me, she even missed the first session as she joined late.

Hi,

Our NCT group didn't gel either. I made a couple of really good friends & the rest I have lost contact with & my DD is not even 1. If it helps, friends of mine who meet regularly in their NCT groups can't see themselves keeping in touch with the whole group on a regular basis. I can't be arsed with all of that nonsense.
There is an app called meet ups & in some areas there are a mum and baby group. I know a friend of mine made a couple of contacts from there & they meet regularly at soft play etc.
Baby sensory is good. Our session has a break out inbetween while the bubbas play & mums chat.
Local mum and baby groups

Try not to worry friendship will come over time. It's nice to hear from others about making friends thru nursery. My DD starts in jan so it will be nice to meet new people.

Good luck, I bet you are doing a great job & you are giving yourself a hard time. If it helps, I found parenting easier since being back to work. Work brings me a job that I am good at, the use of my brain & adult interaction! I find because I get a buzz from that I am better at home.
Xx

Disclaimer: I haven't actually had my baby yet. But thought I'd just stick my oar in anyway.

My NCT group was lovely. None of us have had our babies yet (not long though, could be any time now for any of us) but we have met up a few times since the classes ended and we've been on maternity leave, and we have lots of group chats on facebook, I think I have been quite lucky and would be surprised if we didn't all stay in touch long term. We were also lucky in that the teacher was very unbiased and gave information on things like pain relief, breastfeeding, interventions etc without trying to influence us or demonise anything. I have heard of other people having quite negative experiences though so I guess it's luck of the draw.

I've also been going to a breastfeeding support group while still pregnant and it's very friendly and welcoming, I've met a friend there who lives very locally and hopefully will continue getting to know people.

My friend back home (different country) met some very close friends through baby sensory and build up a great support network. She always has someone to meet for a coffee and whinge which I think is very important, and her little girls have plenty of friends to play with.

I've been living in this town for five years and haven't really made all that many friends up until now, but I've found that lots of mums to be are in the same boat and very open to making friends in similar situations, especially if it's their first baby. I'd imagine there are lots of mums who feel the same and would love to meet a new friend. Definitely go along to as many groups as you can, meet and chat to as many people as you can, and give it a couple of tries before deciding it's not for you. If other ladies aren't very chatty or rush off afterwards it might well be that they feel shy or awkward and aren't confident of striking up a conversation even though they'd like to.