NCT group really getting me down

[Bee14]

For some reason this is really getting to me. LO is 5 months and I have 2.5 months left of mat leave (I will be first of gorup to go back by a month or two., if I'm honest I find it hard being with LO all day on my own and DH works from 6-7, I am also finding a couple of things hard at the moment (sleep, weaning and moving to own room - normal baby stuff).

What I would really love is to go out for a coffee and chat to other mums to get tips, reassurance and just break up the day! This is everything I thought my NCT group would be, but its not. We're a pretty spread out group (to see most of the group I would need to get a bus), and when we first met I didnt really click with anyone, but thought having babies would mean we had more in common, but its never really been like that, either in terms of frequency of meet ups (a couple of the group every few weeks) or in bonding (have met up and run out of things to say). I have reached out a couple of times recently and gotten a couple of "yeah great to meet up soon but cant do this week".

Am finding this really hard, both because I could really do with this sort of support (and because I feel like I am doing something wrong as they don't seem to need the support) and because I feel like a billy no mates - I have a good spread of other friends, but none are particularly nearby, and most are either dedicated singles or have older children (and even speaking to the ones with kids, they all seem to have made at least one great friend via NCT). Putting some perspective on it I have always found it hard to make friends quickly (I think I am a bit standoffish and find it hard to be this exciting interesting person who everyone wants to be friends with straight off the bat). Did any one else feel this? I am trying to go to other classes, but everyone headed straight off after the massage group I joined and the mum I have been chatting to at another class has just announced she is off to live abroad for a year.

My nct classes have just finished, and we've been meeting up weekly for coffee or lunch since then. None of us have popped yet! Did those of you though didn't have a great group find that the group never gelled or did it start out well and then contact faded away?

You sound a lot like me. Where abouts are you? I'd love some new friends. I'm about to pop with baby number 2.

I felt really fed up with my NCT group. I felt like the poor cousin amongst them and didn't feel any bond at all with anyone. They weren't nasty just not my type! I'm a really sociable person so found this really disappointing like you. I ended up going to a different group run by the Drs surgery and ended up making tons of friends. I know how isolating it can be when your baby is small, look for other groups. best of luck!

Several of my friends are actually nct volunteers (helping out at the sales etc) and I bet that's a good way to meet people too.

I had the same with my NCT. Seeing them made me feel totally inadequate!! I became good friends with one lady from the group as we both bonded over being NCT 'failures'.....loads of birth interventions, difficulty breastfeeding, spending most of the first 6 months crying, not bonding with baby etc. The exact opposite of what NCT promote. We started going to a few groups and places together and gradually picked up other ladies who were like ourselves. We now have a nice group of 8 ladies and babies where we can all be ourselves, admit our parenting failures and have a good time. If you start getting out and about you will meet people you click with rather than the ones you are forced to be with through NCT

I made 1 close friend through my NCT group who I still see regularly after nearly 5 yrs and our kids are close friends. I still see another 4 ladies now and again but it was tricky because they all met up on Wednesdays when I was at work. My closet mum friend I met in hospital after our DSs were born.

I didn't have a great experience at the NCT early support group I also did after DS was born. Of 8 of us, 5 were very close friends and they really froze everyone else out tbh.

Def worth trying lots of different activities rather than just sticking with the NCT group. Even if I didn't make lots of close friends, I know lots of other mums locally to chat to.

Same here Oldmummy! All my group seemed to talk about was breastfeeding in John Lewis cafe!

My NCT group was quite scattered too and although there were some great people in it, it never really developed after the course.

I actually asked my HV if she could put me in touch with any other new mums. That worked really well - she put me in touch with a lovely bunch of women, we're still in touch 10 years later.

I'd really echo what the others said though about trying different groups and activities. It does take time - I'd always say you should give a new playgroup at least 3 goes to get the measure of it.

Hope you get some more sleep soon - sleep deprivation makes everything feel worse ime.

mine were a little bit scattered too. It took about a year to fully connect with mine. Even then i only really connected with two and now 13 years later we are still best friends.

Look at other baby groups and toddler groups more local to you maybe?

In defence of NCT groups, nearly all of mine stayed in touch, they were a godsend during the early months and we have regular meet-ups, so it can work for some. But I also made friends through bumps and babies and other mum and toddler groups. Now my DH is a SAHD, he's also meeting people through local toddler groups (I think he's a bit of novelty).

Oh bee. I could have written this exact post with dd1. I didn't click with anyone in my nct either and they always seemed busy as well. What I did find helpful was the netmums coffeehouse meetup board. You basically post where you are and age of baby, then people close by with similar age kids message you and you arrange coffee etc. I did make friends that way and it gave me someone to go to playgroups etc with where I made more friends.

Our NCT group still meet up (DS now 2) but it's maybe every few months, and tbh there are none of them that I really "clicked" with. It's nice to all get together once in a while and marvel at how much our babies have grown, but that's about it. However, I made some really good friends via our local children's centre, and see much more of them. Most of them I met through a breastfeeding support group (DS had a tongue tie and HV referred us there for support. It was fab because you just sat around, fed babies & chatted, and the staff brought you tea and toasties!). Also a group called Baby PEEP, which was good for meeting people. Try not to get down, you can't possible click with everyone you meet.

I posted earlier with some ideas, I didn't mention my experience of NCT groups because it was good and I didn't want to sound unsympathetic, but seeing all these other negative experiences does make me want to say - they're not all bad, mine were brilliant.

We met for a coffee on the Friday morning after our classes finished, and the next, and the next, and the next, it's now 11 years on and we're still doing it. Not every week now, due to work/school commitments, and the fact that we are scattered over a 10 mile radius now, but we still manage most weeks and we have never yet run out of things to talk about. So for anyone reading this who is thinking about joining NCT, don't be put off, there can be fantastic groups.

I'm really lucky as I have a great NCT group, but a pal of mine, whose LO is only 6 weeks younger than DD1 had a hopeless one and actually ended up making her "NCT" friends through a post-natal group.

I second the Bumps and Babies groups, as well as Rhyme Time. I met people all over the place.

I hated those groups and I find making friends quiet easy but those groups ugh what a bunch of up themselves wenches. If your not a Eco warrior princess or a mum who's omg my baby is this that and the other person then basically you don't fit. I left the place crying so never went back. Hope you find someone you click with soon

My NCT experience totally failed. I think you should get out to some groups for mums and babies and you'll meet some other mums as bored as you are.

The group doesent sound like its working so don't waste your time. I met a lot of people from local toddler groups and Surestart. Tge people were always very nice and I made a few friends.

Oh I hate how NCT groups are supposed to be the word in making friends. The structure of them means people tend to be from spread out areas so harder to stay in touch than a local group where you are likely to see them in the shop/local playground/nursery etc.

Also their teachings are quite strong (go for pain relief free natural labour, bf, use reusable nappies etc. I think that leads to a feeling people can't admit to being less than perfect when going through that new mother guilt!

We never met with ours again, not sure if they met up and just never invited us though!

Toddler "classes" can work but again by their structure there isn't much room for chatting. You do the activity then leave.

The best option is a local toddler group. Check local churches (you don't have to be religious!). Or ask your HV. They are structured to allow a cup of tea and a moan. That's where I met my friends who I'm still close to 5 years in.

Also remind yourself "cliques" are usually just people who already know each other! Sit close by, chuck some smiles at their kids, wait on a topic of conversation you can join, ask a question and the "clique" may well become a group of new friends.

Sorry to hear you are struggling Bee . It was similar for me, all the others had local family and / or partners who could work from home or pop back for lunch. We met up weekly but I needed more so went to every baby group I could just to get out of the house and was glad to go back to work after 6 months.

I really feel for you. Sleep dep alone is awful enough and totally get you want to chat about mum stuff with mums.

The best groups for this are the church play groups, baby area, nothing to do BUT chat whereas massage etc. leaves little chance to talk.

Also agree about posting on local boards whispers netmums have very good local group listings in addition good luck and you are not on your own in how you're feeling.

Whereabouts do you live?

I agree don't worry about the NCT group.
I'd recommend going to as many groups as possible. With my first I did a toddler group, Jo jingles, tumble tots and baby signing. You bump into the same people at different groups and it seems easier to get chatting.
Are you going back to work full time?

Try to remember lots of people put a brave face on it whilst in reality they're struggling. Lots of mums expect to love maternity leave (and some do) but it can actually be a really hard slog. Be honest when you meet other mums if you're finding it tough, you'll be surprised at how many mums will have similar feelings and might also offer advice and help.

My NCT group were a nice bunch but even then logistically I couldn't manage to see them much. My local childrens centre was fab, they had weaning, breastfeeding and sleeping talks which were really a big shoulder for mums to cry on. It was like AA for new mums and the HVs were really supportive. Can you find something similar?

Personally I didn't like the baby stage and found maternity leave pretty tedious. Toddler-dom has been much easier and so much more enjoyable. It's ok to be finding it tough, it won't always be so hard.

I moved to a new area when DS was 1. I tried loads of groups. NCT was one I gave up once I was settled in I just never felt like I fit in. I found some groups worked some didn't.

I didn't join NCT but I went to lots of baby groups and met new friends with babies.

I googled baby groups in my county and found one really close by, do same?

Also swimming, there is normally a parent and baby session in your local pool.