To post my DS1s long awaited ADHD diagnosis on FB

[Minecraftnemesis]

(Have NCed as I might do this in RL)

Is this over sharing? I don't know. I'm fed up of feeling paranoid that everyone thinks I have a naughty and out of control child.

I'm fed up of being embarrassed at him being unable to control himself.

Fed up of having to pretend we are a normal family and our kids 'go to bed' at a reasonable time (and that I don't have to spend every evening taking him back to bed, listening to him jumping off his bed over and over, stopping mayhem upstairs, and being woken in the night by an upset child who doesn't like being the only one awake)

Im also fed up of saying I'm ok when I'm not at the playground. I have mum friends who have kids the same age and I've only recently really realised how different their lives are to mine. I can't really answer 'no not really' without starting down the whole road of how it really is - and there's not often time for this anyway.

I even find it difficult to talk about it when they are sympathetic because if they say their DC also finds it difficult to concentrate and so on I feel I'm trying to trump them by telling them what it's really like here.

I don't meet up with other mums for days out often because I'd be continually trying to control the DCs and embarrassed at how ineffectual it is. We don't have people round for dinner because DS1 would be jumping on the ceiling and up and down and we wouldn't relax. We don't go to other people's houses with the DCs either for this reason.

I feel like I've unconsciously limited the whole of our life with children for 8 years really. And blamed myself. And thought it was 'normal' for him to be like that. And thought I was making him behave like that. And thought that people think I'm an over protective mother because I have to hold DS1s (8) hand when we walk down the road so he doesn't run into it ( a real risk- he tried to pick up a conker from the road as we walked along yesterday and punched me when I held him back).

I feel that maybe if I put it on there it's then 'out there' and I don't have to be all coy about it. I really believe in honesty and being open about what you're going through in mental health as well as other healh issues. If he had a mobility issue or something more tangible I wouldn't think twice. What did you/would you do?

Slightly venting here as an alternative to doing it on FB really

Is it fair to make your son's SN public knowledge? Isn't that a choice for him when he's older?

You shouldn't have to constantly explain yourself and your son to people. Maybe explain to your friends and family in person or via email that he has ADHD and sod the random strangers who stare at him. It can be frustrating when people jump to conclusions, especially when it's an invisible SN

I wouldn't post the news of his diagnosis but would tell friends and family (as for any other significant news).
If you want you could "like" pages connected to ADHD. Obviously you can share as much or as little as you like but for now I'd focus on the implications of the diagnosis and any help that might be available. And go easy on yourself.

Depends on who can see it and how you use Facebook and who you would tell about the diagnosis off Facebook.

I wouldn't tell more people on-line than I would in real life.

I feel that maybe if I put it on there it's then 'out there' and I don't have to be all coy about it. I really believe in honesty and being open about what you're going through in mental health as well as other healh issues. If he had a mobility issue or something more tangible I wouldn't think twice.

I think this is a perfectly valid opinion. To be honest, I don't think you have much choice about making his diagnosis fairly public - as you say, you wouldn't hide a broken leg. I would want to check who could see it first - but then I would do that about anything.

It doesn't matter if you tell them or not. If they are inclined to think that way then the only thing that will change their minds and opinion is if they ever have their own child with the condition. These are the people who think that ADHD is just an excuse for bad parenting, lack of exercise and a poor diet. They will always think this, no matter what.

I have a child with the disability and I've all of those comments thrown at me at one time or another including that I just "needed to bond with him".

The opinion that I said earlier? The one that says ADHD is an excuse for bad parenting, lack of exercise and a poor diet? That came from someone who was supposed to be a support teacher.

The hand holding, the screaming, punching, chewing, not sleeping...I deal with all of that so I know where you are coming from.

There are no words for the relief you feel when you finally get that diagnosis and you want to stand on top of the tallest building with a megaphone and scream "It's not MY fault!, It's not something I'm not doing! It's just the way he is! I'm NOT A CRAP PARENT!" It's something else all together isn't it?

Congratulations on the diagnosis but don't expect ANYONE to give you some slack because they won't, if anything, their judgments although they may not say it, are still there and you will be able to read it like a book. Their opinion won't change. I'm sorry.

On the upside you can now get help with him in school, you have something to fight with and you WILL find more and more people who couldn't care less about the condition but will still appreciate him for him, tantrums and all. You may be able to find a way to manage his ways a little better, even medication may help, it might not but it's an option that is open for you to try now, there are workshops, therapy, respite for siblings (or so I've heard), there are things out there and you'll have access to them now.

I mean it when I say congratulations, I do. It's a huge weight off your shoulders in some ways. Please just try to remind yourself that it's not you, it's not him, it's them and their problem and your ds will still be able to have a life like any of their children, it's just going to take a little longer for him to get there that's all because he has more of a challenge than they do, but he WILL get there. Slowly.

The other way to look at this is this: This is also a great filter. Anyone who uses the usual daily mail comments about this are not worth your precious time with. It will help you to find those who really are decent people.

Good luck and well done!

I think that you should tell all close family and friends, because after all it's them that really matter.
It's up to you what you post on fb, but you do know if you read the threads on here about similar type stuff, how you would come across. I personally wouldn't.
Besides it's your sons personal information, which he should decide if he wants people to know. It wouldn't be nice for him.

Is it fair to make your son's SN public knowledge

Having sn isn't something to be ashamed of though. If your child is disabled it is part of who they are.

When ds had his 'sort of' diagnosis, I put it on fb, but I don't have many people on my fb!

It is your choice whether you want to broadcast your DSs condition to everyone who can see your Fb status feeds but....

If it were me I would only tell the people I care about and who care about my DS, not everyone on Fb give a flying 4x!

I agree with chipped, may want to consider your DSs choice in the matter now or when he is older.

none of the above is meant in criticism of you, only Devils advocate q's and absolutely yy to sod the randoms who judge without empathy to your challenges.

YANBU. I have children with SN (not ADHD though) and I understand the sense of relief that a diagnosis brings. I have to warn you though, that as other posters have said, some people won't accept it, diagnosis or not. My DS4 has severe disabilities and a diagnosis but we're still waiting for the acceptance from some people.

I agree that SN is nothing to be ashamed of, and that in your circumstances, his behaviour is already pretty public. I also sympathise with what you say about avoiding socialising with others and the effect on your other children.

Tiptoeing around the reality of the situation is a bit pointless when it has this much effect on family life.

DS has always been open and positive about his dx since he got it around the same age, we've never seen it as something to hide or be embarrassed about.
But then, I only have lovely and supportive people on my FB.

I think it is an invasion of your ds privacy.
the nasty people who judge your parenting, will still judge your parenting diagnosis or not.

As the partner of someone with ADHD and a mother of a child who has suspected ADD I am more than aware of how people judge.

I am not ashamed of their SN, however it is not for me to publicly announce it, that's their decision. Once you post it, it can't be unseen if you later change your mind or if your child does not like it.

Just to say I empathise with what you are going through and it must be really tough. I am pleased that you have finally got a diagnosis and hopefully this will lead to help for you and your ds. I can totally understand you want to shout it from the rooftops! However, dont' do anything you may regret later and that you may wish to later withdraw. I would tell family and friends and I agree with the other poster who said like ADHD pages etc. It prob gives it away but without being so explicit. I fully agree with honesty about mental health issues and endorse than 100 per cent but you are making the decision for your son . If it was you, Id say go for it! and sadly there are ignorant people out there who avoid the things they don't understand and therefore may avoid you/ your son ( believe me Ive been there). I would want to protect my child from that nonsense. Hopefulyl this is the start of a new chapter for you and your son. With help the condition can be managed well and I recommend a book called the gift of ADHD.

Those saying it's an invasion of privacy, ADHD isn't a dirty secret that needs to kept under wraps.

It's part of who/how and why this young man is, and he deserves people to know that much about him so they can understand and treat him accordingly.

Absolutely Jenny.

You need to consider why you want to announce it, for your son's benefit or to validate your parenting in the eyes of the judgemental.
There's a difference between sharing and explaining his dx and the impact it has on him with people you are in daily contact with, and a general broadcast.

Thanks all - just wrote a long reply and lost it on phone.

Thanks for some thoughtful replies- esp smiles
I do feel that it is part of him and our lives so much, and not to be ashamed of it is what I'm aiming for!
I take on board the telling friends thing though. I won't 'announce' it on FB but I may mention it when the dust settles

Try visiting the SN boards here, there are some lovely posters who are supportive and who will get exactly what you mean.

I kind of feel a bit like when he was a baby and wouldn't wean until ten months, and wouldn't asleep until I gave in and got a sleep specialist to help. When I told people this the amount of parents who would've them admit their own private nightmares was astounding. We were all living in a melee of 'oh little Johnny LOVES my home made courgette purée ' and nobody would break ranks and say 'my son bloody hates courgette purée, and mashed potato, and houmois... Etc'

There are some great Facebook groups. I am in several based on my DC diagnosis
Have a look for an ADHD one, you will be able to rant, share and perhaps get useful tips

After reading all the horrible judginess of parents on a certain thread..including that badly behaved kids should be thrown out of places..I can see why you are tempted.

I don't see why you shouldn't. If people are on your friends list who think ADHD is an excuse for bad parenting then they probably shouldn't be friends anyway.

Yup, SN boards.
Where you can share weird, traumatic, wonderful and odd events and thoughts without anyone trying to score points.
Congratulations on getting a dx, he now has a key to unlock support and understanding from many. Unfortunately not all, but it's getting better.

I would want to know one of my friends was going through this and I would absolutely tell my friends on Facebook too.

But then nowadays I'd say about 80% of my friends have some link to special needs. I wouldn't want friends either on Facebook or in real life who had a problem being open with disability.

Time maybe for some new friends?

I think it is inappropriate, what are you really hoping for in the replies? It is too intimate and emotional for you to be happy with whatever people can fit in a little text box, will you be hurt over people not saying anything or waiting until you bring it up in RL? I think you are too vulnerable about being judged, it is still too raw, to handle people who matter to you not acknowledging it or saying something short and trite and then moving on and writing a paragraph on someone else's hamster photo.

Of course it is nothing to be ashamed of but that doesn't equate to being a FB announcement. I think it would be better for you and your son for you just to say in context, in real conversations, that you are so relieved to have a diagnosis and can start moving on. I doubt that people in RL are going to disappoint you so much or have been judging as much as you think.