To post my DS1s long awaited ADHD diagnosis on FB

[Minecraftnemesis]

(Have NCed as I might do this in RL)

Is this over sharing? I don't know. I'm fed up of feeling paranoid that everyone thinks I have a naughty and out of control child.

I'm fed up of being embarrassed at him being unable to control himself.

Fed up of having to pretend we are a normal family and our kids 'go to bed' at a reasonable time (and that I don't have to spend every evening taking him back to bed, listening to him jumping off his bed over and over, stopping mayhem upstairs, and being woken in the night by an upset child who doesn't like being the only one awake)

Im also fed up of saying I'm ok when I'm not at the playground. I have mum friends who have kids the same age and I've only recently really realised how different their lives are to mine. I can't really answer 'no not really' without starting down the whole road of how it really is - and there's not often time for this anyway.

I even find it difficult to talk about it when they are sympathetic because if they say their DC also finds it difficult to concentrate and so on I feel I'm trying to trump them by telling them what it's really like here.

I don't meet up with other mums for days out often because I'd be continually trying to control the DCs and embarrassed at how ineffectual it is. We don't have people round for dinner because DS1 would be jumping on the ceiling and up and down and we wouldn't relax. We don't go to other people's houses with the DCs either for this reason.

I feel like I've unconsciously limited the whole of our life with children for 8 years really. And blamed myself. And thought it was 'normal' for him to be like that. And thought I was making him behave like that. And thought that people think I'm an over protective mother because I have to hold DS1s (8) hand when we walk down the road so he doesn't run into it ( a real risk- he tried to pick up a conker from the road as we walked along yesterday and punched me when I held him back).

I feel that maybe if I put it on there it's then 'out there' and I don't have to be all coy about it. I really believe in honesty and being open about what you're going through in mental health as well as other healh issues. If he had a mobility issue or something more tangible I wouldn't think twice. What did you/would you do?

Slightly venting here as an alternative to doing it on FB really

People clearly do judge their friends, going by MN threads. It's sad.

Oooh, while I remember, if he struggles to learn something like doing up shoelaces, try showing him backwards.

It's called backwards chaining and can be used for all sorts of things. Look it up on Youtube.

I have a son with ADHD. We too get the judgements. I didn't put it on fb but I did make it quietly known to class mothers who I knew would 'gossip' in the hope it would make it's way to the more judgemental. I also felt like taking in the dx letter and waving it in the head teachers face. I didn't of course, but felt a little smug as some of the worst judgements came from them.

I have recently also got a dx of aspergers for him. This time I have only let a few close friends and family know. I will let people know as and when they interact or care for him or on a need to know basis. (Although I also want to wave this in the sencos face as she said he definitely didn't have AS!)

Totally different approaches I know, but as the ADHD presents far more than the AS that is what is necessary for people to understand. Also, along the journey, I have become more confident and assertive in my parenting. It is more important to me that ds, and his siblings, are ok than what some random judgemental cow in The street thinks. I know I am doing a good job.

I don't think you are being unreasonable or inappropriate. I done this when DS was diagnosed with autism. we had so many messages of support and people were genuinely happy for us. every one of my friends on facebook are my friends in real life and I'd have told them all anyway.

Thanks it probably is too raw for general FB

SN threads are great and I've had advice and support . Good idea on the FB groups though- might find some local support there too.

I kind of think I'd like to know if one of my friends was in this situation. I have friends who have shared life changing events on FB and it's quite cathartic and I think they've benefitted from support that way (one friends DH left and she had depression and if she hadn't shared I don't think many would have known about it to support her - she bravely put a very honest post abou to after a few clues of over a few months and got a lot of support )

I would think about why you want to post it on FB and how you will feel if you don't get the response you need or want.

I am guilty of over sharing in the past for various reasons and it is soul destroying when it doesn't lead to support and friendship. In one case - but by several people - they never spoke to me again.

When my son was diagnosed with Asperger's I messaged a few close friends who had been through it and advised me over the years. I probably wouldn't announce it on a status as some people have weird ideas about different conditions like they don't exist or they are excuses... I cant advise you, just warn you to brace yourself, your thick skin will still be needed even after a diagnosis.

"In one case - but by several people - they never spoke to me again."

Same here. The worse was the one who pretended to be a friend and understanding, asking loads of questions about it and then slagged me and my son off behind my back every chance she could get. Dismissed everything I said and those people believed her, because she was a doctors receptionist.

Be careful on who you tell. Those who have the most contact with your ds should know, other than that, I wouldn't bother.

I do understand where you are coming from, but don't post it on FB OP.

When I got a diagnosis for DS, I was tempted to call a class meeting of parents, or send a letter around (there was no FB back then). I wanted to share because I wanted everyone to know that the collection of odd behaviours was linked and had an explanation.

Instead, I shared individually with various people, in the way that is being suggested by GallbladderFairy . I think that was a better way to go, and I was glad that I had resisted the urge to make a great announcement. Some people were very supportive and shared their own stories and difficulties. Others continued to be judgemental.

I really can understand why you want to post the long-awaited diagnosis on FB, but I would urge you to resist doing so. YANBU to want to, but YwouldBU if you did it.

'Those saying it's an invasion of privacy, ADHD isn't a dirty secret that needs to kept under wraps.'

No-one is saying that, but it is personal information about him, and it's up to him whether to disclose it or not.

smiles the backwards chaining link is great idea

It's fantastic.

DS learnt to tie his shoelaces this way, at 11 years old and I only had to do this once with him.

It works with everything that has steps broken into it.

Personally, I'd think that YWNBU to announce that your son has finally got a diagnosis. After all, if you had reason to believe your child was hearing or vision impaired and then got confirmation you'd put it on FB, or tell friends, you wouldn't keep it a closely guarded secret - you'd need the people you interact with to take account of the impairment in their interactions with your child, wouldn't you?

It's incredibly sad that conditions such as autism, ADHD, etc can't be publicly acknowledged in the same way.

I know that if any child(ren) of my friends or family received such a diagnosis I'd hope that they'd feel able to let their circle of friends know about it so that we could take into account the child's needs when we met up.

Well, I suppose if you get negative reactions from some, at least it gives you a valid reason to defriend them, eh? I've considered it, tbh. I suspect I might have to defriend my sister then though.

I'm a pretty public over-sharing type but I don't mention my sons ASD on fb - although I talk about him and put his funny pictures up. To me it's like a final frontier. Tell the people you need to tell, tell the cashier in the supermarket, tell whoever you like. But it sounds to me like putting it on fb is in line with YOUR needs - to be understood, to be exonerated of bad parenting - and you need to do this for yourself. Focus on your lovely boy, give him all the love and help you can and try not to worry too much about what other people think. They have stuff to deal with too. Sorry if this sounds harsh - it's not meant to be - just saying slow down, take time to yourself and focus on what matters most. You've got the diagnosis - well done! It's a huge effort and huge achievement and just leave some space around that. There will be process of adjustment and fb is not the space to share that. What do you think people will say - "so sorry" will make you feel shit, "congratulations" will make you think they're taking the piss. Try not to expect so much of others and concentrate on building a life for your son.

Oops. I didn't even think about it. I was so pleased that we'd finally got a dx that I put it on FB. And only got supportive replies.

For us it's deja vu. We have a 25 yo with ADHD and now a 7 yo with it. Been there, done that, bought the T shirt. I so didn't want to go here again and I admit to being horribly jealous of the mums at school with their perfect NT little girls.

I can see the OP's point though. Much like anything that people are loath to discuss openly, this makes it seem like a secret or something to be ashamed of. We shouldn't HAVE to keep it quiet in that respect. We should be able to speak about it openly without worrying someone is going to pile negative connotations on it.

Quite frankly, it sucks. It's isolating.

tallulah if it makes you feel any better, my perfect little NT girl is 29 now and being a right royal pain in the ass lately.

(don't get me wrong, I still love her, but some days... grrrrrr)

I understand the posters who are saying it's your DSs private medical information but something I was told once that has stayed with me is that having a child with a disability/special need, is not something that happens only to the child. It affects the whole family and everyone who is affected needs some coping mechanism to help them deal with the extra stresses and strains it can bring. Your DS needs a mum who is keeping her head above water by whatever means necessary, just as much, if not more, than he needs you to keep his medical condition confidential. Like much of parenting, it's about weighing up the pros and cons for all concerned. If posting the information to your Facebook community is your much needed way of coping, then I don't think anyone should criticise you for that.

I think what we are all saying is this:

If you want to post it on FB then do so, but be prepared for the worst and don't be surprised if you do loose friends from this eventually.

I have a son just like yours, he gained an Adhd dx aged 3, he is 11 now. I don't mention it on FB other than a fantastic local support group page (private settings). I totally understand the feeling judged but unfortunately ADHD isn't like diabetes or downs syndrome - so many people refuse to believe it exists so you will get those who think you are to blame. I'm inclined to agree with the poster above who said unless they have a child with this condition they will never understand fully. I'm almost amused by the amount of people who smugly put their children's success purely down to their uber special parenting skills. As the mother of 4 children (2 SN and 2 without) the difference is astounding.

In some respects it's easier dealing with other people now he is older. Most friends and family get that a child who chews everything in sight and smears poo around the place isn't 'normal'. It wasn't as clear cut when he was little so the 'I wouldn't stand for it' line was trotted out a lot.

Congrats on your dx anyway and I hope you can get the help that you need (easier said than done). I really emphasise with the putting your life on hold, in the last 10 years mine has diminished into something so tiny and insular. I'm trying to address this at the moment so I really feel your pain.