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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ban BIL at Christmas? And how do I tell DH?

70 replies

NoRoomInTheInn · 27/10/2014 12:05

OK, so the time has come to broach the subject of BIL and Christmas with DH.
My BIL was very long term drug addict (since 17 – now 49) being worse at some times than others. He’s held down a couple of jobs in this time, other times been to out of it to work, other times survived by dealing.
He takes fewer drugs now, but is alcoholic. This is far worse: the booze has turned him aggressive and horrible. Even to DH, whom BIL loves more than anyone in the world. He had to leave his flat, so now lives with MIL who is in early stages of dementia. This is far from ideal, to put it mildly.

Anyway the problem is that he usually comes for Christmas. I don’t want him here. I don’t want my DC seeing him drunk or aggressive to MIL or DH. And it’s not safe to have a large drunk man around young children (youngest are 8 and 5).
The biggest concern though, is the effect on my vulnerable DD3 who will have just turned 17 at Christmas. She has had bad MH problems, severe self-harm and a period of drug misuse. She is mostly better now - new friends, getting into hobbies and working hard at school – but is still on medication (antidepressants). I will not let anything (or anyone) derail this recovery. I'm certain he gave her a smoke or two from a strong joint before. He says he wouldn’t ever give her anything at her age but, sorry, will if she wants when she’s 18 as she’ll be an adult. I’ve told DH he’ll never be welcome here with that attitude: even at 18 she will be young and vulnerable. He’ll be so drunk at Christmas he’ll have no idea how old she is anyway (DC 1 and 2 are older).
DH is lovely, but totally in denial about the seriousness of the situation of BIL (or MIL, but that’s a whole nuther post Hmm). He rarely pulls him up about his worst behaviour, so why would BIL try to change?
I know DH will say “I’ll talk to him,” and BIL will promise to behave, but still I’m not happy.
BIL will be alone at Christmas if he doesn’t come here; underneath the drugs and booze he can be a kind and decent person and we used to get on well.

WIBU to insist he stay away at Christmas?

Thanks Confused

OP posts:
ouryve · 27/10/2014 12:08

You wouldn't be unreasonable.

Your house. Your Christmas. Your first responsibility is to your kids.

Itsfab · 27/10/2014 12:13

Your husband needs to decide who is more important to him - his children or his brother, and what is more important - saving face with his brother or supporting his wife.

earplugsahoy · 27/10/2014 12:13

Yanbu. I would use the reasoning of your vulnerable dd as your main case for him to stay away.

Keep opinions and emotions out of it in an attempt to avoid a huge argument.

Stick to the facts.

Vulnerable dd.. has come so far and the influence of drink and drugs round her are not a good thing considering how far she has come.

DennyDifferent · 27/10/2014 12:15

Not at all, BIL being alone at Christmas is him reaping the consequences of his actions and in no way your responsibility. I hope your DH steps up and priorities his children's welfare over his brothers feelings, as you are doing, and you can present a united front.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 27/10/2014 12:16

Try. You have to try for your children. If your H is not for it, suggest he and his brother take their mum out for a posh meal that day. You can have our 'family Christmas with dad' the day before, and a relaxed Christmas day just you and the children.

dreamingbohemian · 27/10/2014 12:18

I can see where you're coming from. I have a lot of alcoholics and addicts in my family, sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's a nightmare, and I can see why you don't want to jeopardise your DD's improvement.

I can also see how this could be very awkward, is your MIL coming to yours? So she would come and leave your BIL at home?

I wonder if there isn't any way to compromise, like could you go to their house for a christmas lunch you could bring things, be doing something nice for them but this way it's early enough that BIL might not be too drunk yet and also you can leave if/when he starts to get difficult (rather than have to kick him out of yours). Then you can go home and have a nice christmas evening.

I agree that you should be able to have the christmas you want, at the same time I can see why your DH would hate having his brother alone for xmas.

Like2Chat · 27/10/2014 12:19

Could you have an alcohol free Christmas day and tell your BIL that he can come as long as he's sober, not on drugs and doesn't expect to have a drink at your house? That way he'll know the rules and can stay away if booze/drugs are more important to him than his family.
When he's gone you and DH could crack open a bottle of fizz and relax.
I agree, you have to put your children first.

(Not sure what the acronym MH is, but I hope your daughter continues to get better).

Original poster
NoRoomInTheInn · 27/10/2014 12:24

Thank you all, you're all completely right.
There will be pressure, though, so its me having the balls to stand firm thats the problem at the moment . I did successfully uninvite him from MILs last visit though (not Christmas)!
Lovely idea, patronising , but they're 3 hours away.
Just got to steel myself up to talk to DH when he gets back on Thursday. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NoRoomInTheInn · 27/10/2014 12:28

MH =mental health Like2

The visit is usually for around a week, I should have said, so booze free would not be an option for me him, alas. He'd not observe it anyway, I'm sure, and often drinks in his bedroom.

OP posts:
TracyBarlow · 27/10/2014 12:33

Hell would have to freeze over before I'd have an aggressive, unpredictable alcoholic in my house or anywhere near my children. Especially at Christmas.

YANBU.

It's enough to say to your DH that your children's needs must come first and you don't wish to expose them to alcoholism and drugs. Just keep repeating no, you've lived with it for long enough and clearly nothing's going to change. If he's clean and sober for a year then you'll consider it next Christmas.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 27/10/2014 12:38

they're 3 hours away
even better. book them a table this afternoon. a long drive there and back, with no drinking, will give your H plenty of time to think about how he'd like his Christmases to be in future.

MandarinCheesecake · 27/10/2014 12:38

No YANBU, This is your family Christmas and if you don't want him there then he will just have to suck it up.
Why should you all have to suffer because of his behaviour. He's a grown man and its not your responsibility to make sure he is not alone.

TBH I refuse to have one of my SIL's due to her attitude towards me. She tried to guilt trip us into having her over one year as she was going to be alone. (despite dh having a large family nobody wanted her over) DH told her it wasn't happening. She is a grown woman and quite frankly I wasn't having her spoiling our own family Christmas with her sniping.

Be strong and tell DH you will not have BIL over this year due to the drink drugs and the associated behaviour, also that its not fair on any of you especially your dc's.

Like2Chat · 27/10/2014 12:44

Thanks NoRoomInTheInn - obvious really!

Blimey, you must be a saint to have put up with him for a week in the past!
What do your children think of their uncle? Are they happy to have him in the house?
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place but, again, your children have to come first. If you are tense, they'll be tense and it should be a magical time for them, particularly the youngest ones.

waithorse · 27/10/2014 12:48

YANBU at all. Stick to your guns.

Original poster
NoRoomInTheInn · 27/10/2014 12:50

Thing is, we can get on and have fun, and when he's not out of it, he is good with the children so they like him, Like2 but he appears to be getting worse with booze and sees DD3 as potential 'smoking' buddy!

Ah, but we want DH here with us, patronising... for any other time though, thats a good idea.

I'll take strength from your determination and resolveTracy and Mandarin . Thanks

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 27/10/2014 12:57

OP I can understand your concerns and I don't think you are being unreasonable.

The real crux of the issue is that an adult man can't be trusted to behave appropriately in front of your kids.

He has to take responsibility for that - as does your DH and MIL. Feeling sorry for him as he will be alone is just and extension of enabling behaviour wrt his addiction.

If your MIL doesn't want him to be alone then again as an adult she can alter her plans.

The priority here is not a 49 year old addict - it's your kids and most importantly your daughter.

I think you have to be firm here. He can't stay in your house for a week.

If you can afford it Id be tempted to break the pattern here and go away as a family for Xmas (just you, DH and the kids) thus negating the whole issue.

BarbarianMum · 27/10/2014 12:58

Y Are So NBU

My db is a long time drug user and I find being around him incredibly stressful and I don't like him being round my kids much either. I manage a couple of hours on Boxing Day to keep my parents happy. It works well cause he can usually manage to coast along for a couple of hours (some years he just doesn't show up). I couldn't even consider having him for 1 night let alone a week.

If some compromise can be reached whereby you meet on neutral territory eg restaurant for a couple of hours fine, do that. Otherwise - well then tell your dh you'll give him (your dBiL) a break from his mum for a week but that's it.

tomatoplantproject · 27/10/2014 13:05

My cousins have an uncle who sounds similar. He was giving them dope from around 16 (and thankfully no mh or addiction problems so no long term effects). I think now is the time for you to protect your dd, at least until she is strong enough and can see him for what he is.

Like2Chat · 27/10/2014 13:07

Could you send your MIL and BIL away for Christmas as their Christmas present? I knew a couple who went on one of these Tinsel and Turkey trips to Scotland and had a great time. www.highlandheritage.co.uk/Home It wasn't expensive either - about £150 each I think, including coach travel, excursions and meals. I think they booked late and got a better deal. I know that is a lot of money at an expensive time of the year, but think how much it costs to cater for two extra people for a week...

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/10/2014 13:07

Sorry you're having to deal with this, your DH needs to take this seriously alcoholics and DC don't mix. I've been that DC and looking back it ruined a lot of family celebrations - no child should have to see and be exposed to that...I actually found it 'normal' to see family members the next morning out cold lying in their own urine, does your DH want your DC to have memories like that?

Forgot to say they also were fun and charming when not drunk, making it all the harder to understand their Mr Hyde side.

Good luck OP Thanks

diddl · 27/10/2014 13:14

you don't need to give reasons/excuses tbh.

Drunk/aggressive-nuff said!

but if your husband puts his brother above you & the kids then wouldn't you rather have Christmas Day without him?

Icimoi · 27/10/2014 13:15

No way should you have him at your house. Other issues apart, if he's likely to bring drugs to your house you risk being prosecuted simply because they're present in your house. If he's liable to start supplying them to other people including your dd and you knew it was a possibility, again you risk being charged with being complicit in their supply. The drugs laws are very strict, it just isn't worth the risk.

diddl · 27/10/2014 13:17

What would happen if you invited just MIL?

girlywhirly · 27/10/2014 13:25

Think of it as a child protection issue. Your youngest DC, but also your vulnerable 17yo.

Even if he came sober and drug free, how long would it take him to find what he needs while staying at yours? He has already admitted that he would give your older DC drugs if they wanted them. It really isn't fair to place them in this position in their own home.

He is also aggressive and unpleasant to be around, who wants their Christmas ruined by this? And what if he actually assaults one of you, even unintentionally? He can be a decent person without the drink and drugs you say, but you can't trust him to be free of these while he is around your family. I have a cousin who is an alcoholic, she managed to sneak booze into her sisters house and they never found out how!

I think DH needs to put his wife and family first.

skylark2 · 27/10/2014 13:28

A week! I thought you meant for lunch and the afternoon.

Heck no. No. No.

And did I say no?