... to ban BIL at Christmas? And how do I tell DH?

[NoRoomInTheInn]

OK, so the time has come to broach the subject of BIL and Christmas with DH.
My BIL was very long term drug addict (since 17 – now 49) being worse at some times than others. He’s held down a couple of jobs in this time, other times been to out of it to work, other times survived by dealing.
He takes fewer drugs now, but is alcoholic. This is far worse: the booze has turned him aggressive and horrible. Even to DH, whom BIL loves more than anyone in the world. He had to leave his flat, so now lives with MIL who is in early stages of dementia. This is far from ideal, to put it mildly.

Anyway the problem is that he usually comes for Christmas. I don’t want him here. I don’t want my DC seeing him drunk or aggressive to MIL or DH. And it’s not safe to have a large drunk man around young children (youngest are 8 and 5).
The biggest concern though, is the effect on my vulnerable DD3 who will have just turned 17 at Christmas. She has had bad MH problems, severe self-harm and a period of drug misuse. She is mostly better now - new friends, getting into hobbies and working hard at school – but is still on medication (antidepressants). I will not let anything (or anyone) derail this recovery. I'm certain he gave her a smoke or two from a strong joint before. He says he wouldn’t ever give her anything at her age but, sorry, will if she wants when she’s 18 as she’ll be an adult. I’ve told DH he’ll never be welcome here with that attitude: even at 18 she will be young and vulnerable. He’ll be so drunk at Christmas he’ll have no idea how old she is anyway (DC 1 and 2 are older).
DH is lovely, but totally in denial about the seriousness of the situation of BIL (or MIL, but that’s a whole nuther post ). He rarely pulls him up about his worst behaviour, so why would BIL try to change?
I know DH will say “I’ll talk to him,” and BIL will promise to behave, but still I’m not happy.
BIL will be alone at Christmas if he doesn’t come here; underneath the drugs and booze he can be a kind and decent person and we used to get on well.

WIBU to insist he stay away at Christmas?

Thanks

I wouldn't want him anywhere near me and mine. However, no matter what is said it comes down to your DH presenting a united front with you on this one, and if he doesn't then you have a problem as its very unlikely you can just TELL him not to have his brother around, and he will say "OK". Probably one of those who thinks "family 1st" but isn't realising its the family he made who should come first. What would he say if BIL did come round, and then totally spoilt your day? Would he just expect you all to put up with that, then? I think the main problem here is your DHs attitude, to be honest he has a real cheek asking his wife & children to put up with an aggressive alcoholic around. Its a shame he doesn't have another sibling to talk some bloody sense into him. Or is there a very close friend? I hope you end up having the day you want

There was a daytime family get together (MILs extended family, arranged by her brother, DH's and BIL's uncle) last year. Most people there hadn't seen BIL for many years, some not since he was a child, but he got totally paralytic. I was so embarrassed as he had come along with us. DH never told him off then, so I'm not sure he ever will. When I banned him from visiting last time, DH told him it was because we didn't have enough room as DC1&2 were both home, not because of his behaviour.

Its not just that he's prepared to supply DD with stuff if she wanted it; last time he saw us he joked with her about spending his last £30 on "er...recreation" and laughing, as if she were one of his druggie friends. He should be ashamed, not joking about and normalising it.

There are no other siblings nor close relatives to knock sense into either of them. Just me. Guess I just have to be perfectly plain.

I think the message is very clear that you are in no way being U. Your family comes first and you have to protect your children. My DB was an alcoholic and when he'd come home on leave from the army, would get paralytic drunk and my dd who was only about 6 at the time would ask what was wrong with him as he'd fall asleep in his chair, wet himself and repeat himself over and over. Luckily she was too young to understand and we'd make excuses such as "uncle is tired" etc. Got to the point that I didn't want him anywhere near her as I didn't want her to see him drunk. Please stick to your guns OP X

This wouldn't be an issue in my house. It just simply wouldn't be a matter for discussion or negotiation. Under no circumstances ever would the man come into my home. My children come first and our home is our sanctuary. I'd have no difficulty at all in telling BiL and anyone else who needed to know that he was totally unwelcome in my house.

It would be the end of the marriage if my husband put this man before my children and me.

At some point he has to grow up and accept that if people don't want him about, it's because of his behaviour.

Yes, it might well be sad he has to spend Christmas alone but that's up to him.

Id probably say that he is very welcolme as long as he stays dry while with you. He can always train it home boxing day

One of my BILs is a drug addict and ?reformed drug dealer.

I really like the guy, get on very well with him.

However I will not allow him to have contact with my son.

I'm sorry I was so accurate . In which case a Stand will have to be taken, and it may as we'll be now. If not, when? You can't fall into the trap of enabling this situation for the sake of family harmony. The broader issues are too scary to pretend all is well.

Unfortunately I think your DH will find it very hard to confront all of this. But it has to be done. Better to 'spoil' one Christmas now than to let it drag on - your MIL is too vulnerable. But you know this so I will stop hectoring

Its good that you were, Lonny and a stand will most certainly be taken. And it will this weekend when DH is back home. I just hope he will be straight with BIL about why. Thank you.

And thanks everyone , all fantastic comments. Consider BIL banned!

NoRoom his behaviour towards your dd is unacceptable, for that Aline he should be banned, treating her similar to his druggie friends, and ore paring to supply her with drugs. Noway would he be allowed near my home and vulnerable children. What planet is your DH on. I woukd even be oreoared to have Christmas in our own, and DH spend Christmas with him away from the home.

Does your DH feel any guilt about his DB's problems? I only say this because DH has a brother who sounds similar (long-term drug addict, alcoholic, not much fun at family gatherings) but his ability to make a stand at his behaviour is undermined by his guilt that he always came second to him at school and in life, and in a way he feels he chose drugs because he couldn't compete. Just a thought, might not apply to you OP.

Interesting point, gogo... DH was the super high achiever and BIL (just 14 months younger) couldn't compete. He also managed to find a lovely wife and have 5 children and his DB didn't (though he was already drugged up by the time Dh and I were together).
I doubt DH feels guilty - he shouldn't - by I can see that BIL may just have thought 'fuck it, I can't do that'. They were always close though, whatever was going on. Whatever drove BIL to his destructive path, he's still cant be allowed to influence my DC.
The behaviour has worsened with increasing alcohol in the last year or 2; he never offered DCs 1 and 2 (now 22 and 20) drugs.

Just to add my mite to that last point - my DH is the younger brother and the go-getter of the two - but his older brother was a good athlete, until his knees gave out when he was in his late teens and had to give up. At this point he got very "chippy" - but the real damage was done when he did some travelling, we don't know if drugs were involved or not, but we do believe that it's because he was envious of other "gap year" students who were being funded by their parents (he wasn't). It may also have been to do with the loss of their father when they were 19 and not quite 18.
Whatever, "chippy" is definitely the order of the day with BIL - he definitely thinks he's got a poor deal in life but is unable to see that most of that is down to his own behaviour.

You have let a drug addict be around your kids for 17 years plus.
You have taught your kids this normal .
You now have drug addiet child.
And now you want to stop contact.
Way way way way too late.

Stick to your guns and say no. I had alcoholic BIL round for Christmas the first year MIL was in a home and he was horrible. He pushed his food around and ate almost nothing and was so drunk he was unable to tell the taxi where he lived. XH refilled his glass endlessly, finding the whole thing amusing. I was mortified. He was not invited back. It is horrible to have a 'guest' that you know is going to behave badly. You are quite right to put DD3 first - and your DH should be doing the same.

longjane If the OP had a time machine, I'm sure she would love to go back and do things differently but, given that she hasn't, do you have any suggestions as to how she proceeds from here?

YANBU! I had all my grandparents every Christmas that I can remember as a child and teenager. I loved them all dearly and in their own way amazing. BUT Christ they could be dull. 4 days of discussing nothing but the meds they were on or corrie while my mother went mad with the pressure of a permanently disapproving MIL (she wasn't but that's how mum saw it). We never got space or peace or to just have fun together as a family. The over bearing feeling of dread at Christmas approaching and all that it meant as a child is stil with me. I say all this because they were great and not fraught with the same issues as your BIL. Stand up for your and your DCs right to have a little space. I am all for festive good cheer and being all inclusive but that means you and your DC should be on the receiving end as well.

longjane

That does not remotely describe me, my daughter or nor my situation.

Longjane, read the thread. She clearly says she wants to ban him because she is trying to protect her daughter and the rest of the family from his influence. She did not say that her daughter was a drug addict. That is the situation she is trying to avoid.

If you don't have any experience of this sort of thing in the wider family then don't sit in judgment. It isn't an easy situation, I can tell you that.