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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset that not a single member of my family cares about my son?

63 replies

sanityisamyth · 27/10/2014 07:03

I have a 10 month old son. There's issues with my family (and my "D"H - ultra long thread on here) but I have tried to make amends and get in contact.

A lot of my family, including my mother and sister, one of my aunts and all 7 of my cousins are on FB.

Not a single person in my family EVER asks me how my son is, apart from my dad and my step mum, who e-mail me frequently. They can never travel to see him as my step mum is ill but we travel to see them (300 miles) every couple of months.

Last night I put a video on FB of my son giggling his head off about something, and a picture of him swimming, and standing up unsupported. A lot of my family were on FB last night and this morning. My aunt has liked some video of a cart horse this morning but only 1 of my cousins has "liked" one of the photos. No comment or anything.

It's not just these, it's all the time. Whenever I post anything of him, whether it's a status or a video there's very little acknowledgement from any of the family.

I was going to organise his 1st birthday party but I really don't think anyone will come to it? AIBU to feel really hurt?

OP posts:
Collaborate · 27/10/2014 07:04

YABU to define the success of your life on the number of FB likes you get.

iwishiwasacat · 27/10/2014 07:06

YANBU. It is very hurtful.

I have a huge family and the only people that care about my son are my mother and my sister. It is very sad.

You just have to remind yourself that they are the ones missing out.

IAlreadyToldYou · 27/10/2014 07:07

Yanbu. They sound like selfish arses. For the sake of your happiness I'd step away from Facebook. Honestly, every time you post something about your ds you're going to feel hurt and rejected. Ignore them and concentrate on your life with your ds.

gamerchick · 27/10/2014 07:13

Then delete them or better still if it's upsetting you that much delete your account. Facebook is supposed to be fun.

I'm not even in touch with cousins and whatnot... I've never even clapped eyes on their kids and them mine. Some people just aren't interested in close family relations. Awful I know for those who want a warm loving close family life though.

You're torturing yourself here :(

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 27/10/2014 07:14

I've just been through all my posts relating to my son - there's absolutely nothing from any of my family apart from one of my cousins since August. I then gave up looking as it was depressing me.

I'm not judging my success by how many likes I get. I don't care how many likes I get. I just get really upset that only 1 of my family seems to have any interest in my son. I have 2 sisters. 1 I am NC with. The other only seems interested when there's something in it for her.

She put a picture of him on her account. Pretty much straight away loads of the family left comments (it was her birthday so they were all birthday related) but my NC sister made a really nasty comment about my son. No one said a word about it. I couldn't read it as I blocked her, but no one seems to care that she spent 12 years making my life hell, and is now starting on my son. The only person who stood up for my boy was a friend of mine in Australia!

OP posts:
Original poster
sanityisamyth · 27/10/2014 07:18

Thanks iwishiwasacat it's horrible :( I definitely keep telling myself that but it's not easy.

I put stuff of him on FB as lots of my friends I met through NCT and baby groups love seeing him, as I do their babies. Also some of my friends and family live miles away so can't see him growing up so keep up with him on FB.

I don't want to stop using it, but just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable to be feeling like this. I'm dreading his birthday as honestly don't think any of his family will come to a party. It will be a lovely day though as I'll invite lots of his friends but it just really really upsets me.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 27/10/2014 07:18

It's facebook. Whether or not someone likes a video or photo has absolutely no bearing on how much someone cares.

Stop living your life on Facebook and get back to the real world.

pippinleaf · 27/10/2014 07:19

I'd block them or unfriend them. It is hurtful but just getting hurt won't change it. Do you have friends who support you and your children? Make them the new family and mentally erase your actual family from the situation.

FishWithABicycle · 27/10/2014 07:21

Have you checked your default security settings? I was once disappointed by a lack of likes and discovered I'd accidentally posted it as only visible to a small group of friends rather than all friends, so no one had seen it.

But people generally shouldn't express their care for something, or measure someone else's care for something, in terms of facebook clicks. Leave facebook and live your life here and now, not online. If they don't want to make an effort to see you and your family that is their loss.

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 27/10/2014 07:21

Wannabe- a lot of my family seem to like the rest of the family's posts. I always like theirs and leave nice comments as we hardly get to see each other. It's not reciprocated.

I do live in the real world. This just really pisses me off.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 27/10/2014 07:24

Delete them from FB then you won't spend time torturing yourself about ' likes'.

It's not worth it and once you've got through the cold turkey bit you will feel better.
Focus on your immediate family unit and those who you get on with. Surround yourself with love and the hatred bounces off easier.

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 27/10/2014 07:26

It's not just FB anyway. Not a single text, phone call, e-mail, meet up. Nothing. Ever.

I did put them all on a restricted profile thing at one point. I might have to do it again ??

OP posts:
wanderingcloud · 27/10/2014 07:26

Just read your post OP. It sounds like it's less about FB activity and more about the fact that you don't get on well with your family. For your own sanity I would just step away from FB.

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 27/10/2014 07:27

Thanks pancakeflipper. Unfortunately I don't have many friends either. I'm feeling very lonely really.

OP posts:
Hissy · 27/10/2014 07:29

I agree. delete them and stop waiting for them to be nice/decent human beings.

ultimately it doesn't matter if they are not bothered, you're better off focussing on those people who do give a shit about you/your family/your happiness.

I know it's crap, but deleting them off your FB will give you back some freedom.

coolaschmoola · 27/10/2014 07:29

Maybe they have you set up to not show in their newsfeed and aren't even seeing your posts?

I've just had to do this with one of my cousins because she was posting stuff continuously that I don't like. Stuff against abortion, stuff that is homophobic - I don't think for one minute she is deliberately trying to be offensive, she's just very naive and I can't be bothered to try to educate her. I didn't want to delete her, so I had her notifications.

Fb is no indicator of feelings. I don't like all my friend's posts about her dd, it doesn't mean I'm not interested in the baby, rather that I'm not interested clicking like on a load of baby pics.

quirkycutekitch · 27/10/2014 07:30

I understand where you are coming from OP. If you know they are very active on FB & not contacting you in any other way either, it's just an extension of them not calling/texting/emailing.

Hissy · 27/10/2014 07:32

the other point to make here is that you know that they don't care.

so therefore stop expecting them to.

to continually go back and back hoping for them to be different is a waste of your time. as painful as it is, better to face the facts that THEY are not good enough for your family and cut them loose.

use this as a boot up the whatsit to get yourself a better life, and fill it with people you like and like you.

why are you so isolated? can you start there and see what improvements you can make?

LadyLuck10 · 27/10/2014 07:33

It seems as though you don't have a close family relationship to begin with (NC with your dsis), so their behaviour is not all that shocking. Do you think whatever the reason behind going nc with your dsis has affected them, that is they may have picked 'sides' or just find they would rather keep their distance?

Pancakeflipper · 27/10/2014 07:37

I personally think it's time to start building up a friendship network for yourself if you are feeling lonely.

Focusing on those who upset you will make you feel low.

Start looking for things in your area where you will meet people. If you cannot get out without baby then you go to the baby groups. You mention NCT so you are already making friendships. Baby swimming etc.

I had to step back from my family and it is painful but it drags you down if you continue on. You don't have the family you want, you need to accept it and move along. It gets easier once you start doing that.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 27/10/2014 07:39

Maybe it's time to think carefully about how many of your family members you actually want to be in contact with? Work on a small group of quality friends and a few family members only.

I agree, the FB thing is just a symptom of your general relationship with them. To take away the irritation of seeing them publicly ignore you and your son, you do need to either unlike them or restrict them.

Must be awful when family do this but they are not going to change Sad

SixerofthePixies · 27/10/2014 07:47

I'm not sure how fb chooses what it puts in your timeline. Anything my dh posts never seems to show up on mine, and he's always saying did you see the photo I posted and I have to look on his timeline to see it.

bigbluestars · 27/10/2014 07:50

I can't coment of facebook- I don't have an account- it all seems very trivial and intrusive.

I have 34 cousins. I don't know where any of them live. I have aunts and I don't even know what country they live in.

It doesn't stop my children having heaps of love.

mrsdavidbowie · 27/10/2014 07:54

Most people are not interested in other people's children and their achievements.
Even if you are family .

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 27/10/2014 08:08

Thanks for the replies. I find it very unjust that I try to meet up with people ("friends" and family), say nice things about their children and ask how people are and I get ignored and excluded. Am very upset to find it's being extended to my son. Maybe it's me. There's obviously something very wrong with me and people just don't like me. :(

OP posts:
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