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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my dd to move out of her uni house following her behaviour?

63 replies

DirtyG · 27/10/2014 01:51

I've heard stories about my DD sleeping around, and with her being away at university during the week I can't keep tabs on this. I have already moved her from the top floor of the house to the room beside mine following a wild party she hosted without our permission and spoke to her about her behaviour but it hasn't seemed to have worked. She's a bit of a party girl having just returned home from Ibiza, but I can't allow her behaving like she's on holidays to continue in her uni town where I'm sure she's getting a reputation for herself. She's 20 and I feel like time is running out for us to fix this. Am I being unreasonable for wanting her to move back home or should I let her learn from her own mistakes?

OP posts:

Krytes42 · 27/10/2014 01:58

You're being unreasonable and far overreaching your role in her life. She's an adult, her sex life is her own, and it's absolutely none of your business how many people she chooses to sleep with. Why are you even in a position to be hearing stories of her hookups?

sykadelic · 27/10/2014 01:59

She's an adult. While you can counsel her, advise her, you can't make her do anything (and it'll probably end up causing more trouble anyway). She can still "get up to trouble" while at Uni, at Uni events... you can't change any of that by moving her home.

YANBU to want to help her, but YABU to think you can force it just by moving her home. Sorry :(

Hamiltoes · 27/10/2014 02:00

Although I can understand your dilemma having a dd myself, being only a few years older than your dd i would say yabu.

I'll probably get shot down for this but, its what people do these days. At 18, let alone 20, she is old enough to have responsibility over her body. Perhaps she is making a name for herself and is being "used" and "slutty", in which case she will probably get her heart broken but learn from her "mistakes" and be a much stronger woman for it. Or... Perhaps she is already a strong woman who knows what she wants, and if what she wants is to be sexually liberated and explore sex through various partners then as long as everyone is consenting, whats the problem? I cant really believe that "time is running out for us to fix this", what do you need to fix? If she knows about safe sex, risk of std and how to prevent pregnancy what is there for you to fix?

sykadelic · 27/10/2014 02:01

FWIW I don't believe this "not your business" stuff simply because how your family behaves tends to (unfairly imo) affect how people perceive you. So it's "your business" only in that she needs to learn to be more discrete so it doesn't impact you.

What you (and others) don't know, doesn't hurt you (or her!).

sunflower49 · 27/10/2014 02:05

You won't fix the perceived problem by moving her.

I would talk to her, and tell her about the problems she could cause for herself and make sure she's practicing safe sex. But in a 'friend' way, not a lecturing way.

When's all said and done she's an adult as others have said. You can gain by persuasion that you can't by force. Don't force anything on her.

Original poster

DirtyG · 27/10/2014 02:08

I've heard things about her through Facebook and I'm not entirely sure she is being safe. I've tried to advise her and deal with this as calmly as possible but she's not really being open to my comments. I'd love for her to settle down and concentrate on more important matters in her life but from what I gather that's not going to happen any time soon. I feel like it's distracting her to the point she is neglecting her uni work and I don't like that

OP posts:

FoxgloveFairy · 27/10/2014 02:08

Very, very difficult. You don't really have the right to interfere obviously. In my heart, I'd want to secretly measure her up for a chastity belt! Don't know how you stop worrying about someone you love making mistakes. You don't, I suppose.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 27/10/2014 02:37

You might not like it, but she's 20, so it's absolutely none of your business who she is having sex with or how much uni work she's doing. IF you are funding this year you can make it quite clear that you wont be funding it if she is failing due to not putting the effort in, but that's it.

mathanxiety · 27/10/2014 02:40

Are you living in the house with her? How did you move her to the room beside yours?

DirtyOldTown · 27/10/2014 02:52

You can't make an adult move back home. I take it from your post that she lives away during the week and comes home at the weekends? If you interfere with her life she may well put a stop to the home visits. You might mention your concerns to her, but that is all you can do.

differentnameforthis · 27/10/2014 03:21

She's 20 and I feel like time is running out for us to fix this.

She is an adult, you don't need to 'fix' anything. And "us"? Who is us?

magpiegin · 27/10/2014 03:22

I slept around at uni and don't regret it. I definitely didn't need stopping. I also don't see how you can move her home, with her being an adult and sll!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/10/2014 03:29

I'm afraid you can't chastise her or punish her - she's an adult.

DomiKatetrixortreat · 27/10/2014 03:32

Same as magpiegin I did and a few of my friends did! It was great for casual fun. She's 20, she's enjoying herself, she'll settle down when she's ready. You've got to let her make her own mistakes and help herself rather than her thinking her mum will always be there to guide her in life.

YouNerrNoothinJonSnerr · 27/10/2014 03:33

OMG you can't insist she leaves her uni digs and comes home because you are concerned about her sex life! She's an adult for crying out loud! And as for moving her bedroom closer to yours, you are behaving as though she's a naughty 6 year old ffs.

How have you heard 'stories' ? What kind of numbers are you talking about here? It is not your job to 'fix' it. If you have evidence that she is being very, very promiscuous in a way that might be damaging to her self esteem or to her health then by all means having a gentle chat with her, try to get to the bottom of whether she is unhappy, out of control with alcohol or whatever, and of course make sure she understands how to keep herself safe, but if she's just having a couple of slightly wild years enjoying herself the same as most of uni students then please just back off. You will drive her away if you don't.

Rinkydinkypink · 27/10/2014 03:39

I think the more you try to control her the worse she will get. Surely at 20 she is entitled to her own life and privacy. She needs to make her own mistakes, live her own life and hopefully know that when she inevitably falls down you as her mum will be their to pick her up and support her without judging her!

You can't force her to come home and you shouldn't even be suggesting it!

Maybe it would be worth nicely pointing out that future employers can and do access facebook so she needs to be more discrete on her social network sites but seriously that's as far as you can go with this.

WeAreEternal · 27/10/2014 03:41

She is an adult.

If she was 15 I could see your argument, but she isn't.
She is 20, she's an adult, she is old enough to make her own decisions and her own mistakes.

When I was her age I was at university too, I was also married and a homeowner. I still went out every night of the week, had parties most weekends, but I also managed to do really well at university.

You need to take a step back, she is an adult, if you try to control her like she is 15 you will drive her away.
By all means offer advice and be there to support her If she needs it but you can't tell her how to behave.

ItsAllJollyGoood · 27/10/2014 04:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twentythree9teen · 27/10/2014 04:12

You are being unreasonable. But more to the point, you are driving yourself crazy by spying on your daughter and seeking out gossip about her. Nothing good will come of that.

How about you restrict your knowledge of her life to the things she chooses to share with you?

That'd be a start.

MexicanSpringtime · 27/10/2014 04:32

I think it is not really about whether you have a right or not, but whether it is practical or not. And the way you are thinking is not at all practical. She is an adult and not stupid if she is at university. The only possible influence you can have on her is by talking to her as a broad-minded friend.

SurfsUp1 · 27/10/2014 04:56

I wish I'd slept around more at uni.

If she was a boy would you be feeling so worried?

JessieMcJessie · 27/10/2014 05:27

Presumably she is a second year since not enough term has elapsed yet this year for her to have got a "reputation" already. How did she get on in her first year exams? Agree that hosting a wild party in your jouse without permission is unacceptable at any age but the rest of it is her life and not something you can control.

When you say she is getting a reputation, with whom do you mean exactly? It's pretty hard to get a rep as a slut amongst students these days- shagging is just part of student life. If it helps put tjings in perspective I'd say I got horredously hammered regularly and probably shagged about 20 different blokes during my 4 years at uni (about 15 in the first 2 years :-)) and I was still elected as Students' Union president, fellow students didn't care in the slightest. I also got a 2:1 and am now happily married and a partner in a law firm. However if you are worried she is putting herself in danger then all you can do is to keep up the chats, but you can't force her to do anything.

Monathevampire1 · 27/10/2014 05:34

The more you try and control her the further you will push her away. She's an adult and is responsible for her own life choices.

Breaking her lease may be very expensive. If you don't like her behaviour in your house then stop her visiting for a while.

Yarp · 27/10/2014 05:41

In the nicest possible way, you can feel worried, have an opinion, but it is no longer your place to try to control what she does.

If she is not open to your comments then there really is nothing else you can do. i would guess that you are in great danger of alienating her by drawing conclusions from Facebook and making judgments about her sex life.

The way I read it, she's away during the week but comes home at times. It is good that she does come home - she must want your contact and support.

Did you go to University? If so, did your parents know what you were up to? If you did not go to University, then you need to realise that That is her private life.

Eebahgum · 27/10/2014 06:14

I'd say the reason she sleeps around is either your attitude (she feels constricted and is kicking out against what she should do) or she has low self esteem - neither of these will be fixed by telling her to come home because you're ashamed of her behaviour. It will just further damage her behaviour. If you want things to change you need to get down to why she does it and try to tackle that. Alongside complete and utter "I love you no matter what" dialogue.

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