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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my dd to move out of her uni house following her behaviour?

63 replies

DirtyG · 27/10/2014 01:51

I've heard stories about my DD sleeping around, and with her being away at university during the week I can't keep tabs on this. I have already moved her from the top floor of the house to the room beside mine following a wild party she hosted without our permission and spoke to her about her behaviour but it hasn't seemed to have worked. She's a bit of a party girl having just returned home from Ibiza, but I can't allow her behaving like she's on holidays to continue in her uni town where I'm sure she's getting a reputation for herself. She's 20 and I feel like time is running out for us to fix this. Am I being unreasonable for wanting her to move back home or should I let her learn from her own mistakes?

OP posts:

Booboostoo · 27/10/2014 06:16

Your DD needs a lobotomy to have her urges controlled before she goes hysterical from too much sex. Get in touch with the 1950s, they should be able to help.

ilovehotsauce · 27/10/2014 06:18

She's 20 she's at uni, You are being very unreasonable., It's her life!

ChasedByBees · 27/10/2014 06:23

She's 20, an adult and doesn't live with you. Back off.

Cheby · 27/10/2014 06:25

When I was at uni, I remember lots of people (boys and girls) having ONSs, myself included. I don't remember anyone being criticised for it or getting a reputation, just a bit of a good natured ribbing if someone came back to halls in the same clothes or had someone in the room when the cleaner knocked.

My point being, it's uni, she's young, but she's an adult. She's having fun, and all you can do is gently express your concern, let her know she can always come to you if she needs to and then let her get on with life.

FWIW I had a pretty wild time at uni, even dropped out for 12 months. Went back of my own volition, got a 2:1, followed that with post grad study and professional qualifications and was in a graduate position at 24. You can go a bit wild at uni and still pull it back, so to speak.

FishWithABicycle · 27/10/2014 06:38

She doesn't have to do what you say any more. It sounds like she perceives herself as having been released from a massively controlled and restricted childhood. Of course I don't know how correct that perception is. I do know that from among my own university acquaintances the ones who really went off the rails were the ones who had had a very puritanical upbringing and those who had had more liberal and permissive parents were a lot more mature about their new found freedom.

You absolutely can't make her move home. You can cut off your funding but if she chooses to continue without your money that's perfectly possible and her choice.

Do make sure she knows that she doesn't get a second chance at getting a degree though. This isn't widely publicised but it should be. Even these £9,000 per year university fees are massively subsidised by the government. If she spends 3 years partying and doesn't get a degree, if she then grows up a bit a decade or so later and wants to get a degree then she will have to pay full unsubsidised fee rates (£15,000 pee year ish now, more by then) and if she's using her student loan now she will have no future entitlement to further student loans if she wants to try again.

It may be that the most positive and sensible thing she could do right now would be to drop out of university and really focus of the party lifestyle for as long as she feels the need to. I realise how crazy that sounds, but this is a phase your DD needs to go through and the long term consequences can be reduced if she isn't trying to combine it with her one shot at higher education.

Leela5 · 27/10/2014 06:42

You've every right to worry - because she's your child and you love her. No shame in that and just means you care.

But you need to leave her alone to make her own mistakes, she's an adult. I moved from south of England to Scotland for uni and got up to all sorts. I'm very close to my mum so kept close contact with her through phone. Whilst she would express concern she didn't interfere. As a result I kept that contact.

If you interfere she may stop communication and you will regret that. She's an adult of 20 and from the sounds of it she's finding her way in life, whether that's in healthy way or not in your opinion. Let her be.

After uni she'll have to get a job, pay mortgage/rent, bills etc and there'll be no chance of keeping on with any wild behaviour. Let her have her experiences now while she can.

YANBU to care and worry as her mum, but YABU to want to interfere and stop her being an adult.

Jolleigh · 27/10/2014 06:44

It's extremely difficult to get a reputation as a goer at university...are you sure you're not just making ill-informed assumptions based on things you've seen on Facebook that you don't agree with? Pics of partying, drinking, clubbing, outfits a bit too revealing for your liking? I doubt people are discussing any negative opinions about her anywhere publicly visible.

Either way, I get that you're concerned and by all means, have a chat. However, daughters are no longer a family commodity, 'owned' by their parents until marriage and having to conduct themselves appropriately.

For what it's worth, I've done more than my fair share of sleeping around (nothing to do with self esteem or rebellion as a previous poster seems to think are the only 2 reasons!) I enjoy sex, have a high libido and was letting steam off. I don't regret a bit of it.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 27/10/2014 07:00

Most people do this in their first year of uni at the very least. Most of my friends did, before settling into relationships in seconds and third year.

For what it's worth, they're all unharmed because of it. They're great people, they outgrew anyreputation they got and their uni work recovered.

You can't control what she does. She's twenty. If my mum tried to control my life I'd laugh, I'm the same age and I have my own rented flat, a baby and I'm in the last year of my uni degree. Another friend a year older is flying around the world as an air stewardess. Peoplw are in thw army at this age. Worthw capable of independent thought and noone my age that I know would appreciate being controlled in this way.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 27/10/2014 07:24

You can't stop her being an idiot. You don't actually have the kind of control you hope you have, to 'make' her move out of this or that house. She's grown up.

A lot of people sleep around. Its distasteful (to some of us but not to all) and its risky. I know one person who came through her party years unscathed, and is a very respectable mummy with a lovely husband and home and a good job. Probably most students eventually make that transition, or we'd hear more about it.

My friends went to uni in the seventies - it was play all the way, very little work. I went fifteen years later, after marriage and family, and from what I saw of the younger people, they worked extremely hard and were very focused, no matter what they were doing in their leisure time.

Do worry, do advise, but know that you have to let go, at least a little.

BiWitched · 27/10/2014 07:27

I don't believe that this is true for a minute.

And your username speaks volumes.

SpuffySummers · 27/10/2014 07:30

ODFOD.

DirtyOldTown · 27/10/2014 07:32

I hoicked my eyebrows a tad at the username too. And I wanna be the only Dirty here! Considers name change...

Swingball · 27/10/2014 07:34

If I was her I'd block you from facebook!

Idontseeanysontarans · 27/10/2014 07:35

You've been getting your rumours from FB? There's your first problem...
I'll tell you about my Son.
He's much younger than your DD - 13 years old and up to about 3 months ago wasn't on FB at all (no particular reason apart from couldn't be bothered). I heard rumours being spread about him on there through parents of his 'friends' and apparently he was getting a reputation at school.
According to these rumours he called a teacher a cunt among other things!
Only it was all rubbish, we spoke to his HOY and she didn't quite laugh in our faces at the idea... Sharp words were had about internet rumours in school I believe.
99% of what is said on FB is crap and so many people are happy to spread lies about people without thought to the consequences. Unless you can hand on heart believe everything you have been reading without any other evidence to back it up then you need to butt out.

DixieNormas · 27/10/2014 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificWerewolf · 27/10/2014 07:39

YABVU - but you know that.

If you moved her home (how are you going to do that?) to try and 'fix' her you'd destroy what relationship you've got left with her.

You can worry about her, but it's her beeswax.

BeyondPreparedForHell · 27/10/2014 07:46

Oh my god. Butt out.

I hope this is a reverse. 20yo, your mum is bvu. Cut contact with the narcissistic so and so. And fuck who you want.

HowlCapone · 27/10/2014 07:50

Give her a huge box of condoms and the address of her local family planning clinic and let her get on with it.

maddy68 · 27/10/2014 07:54

It has absolutely nothing to do with you now. She is an adult. If you start interfering she will withdraw from you and not tell you.

She sounds rather like me when I went off to uni and became a total slapper I had an amazing time, don't regret a thing.
It's actually pretty normal, most are like that now.

Shut yourself off from it

makeminered · 27/10/2014 07:56

You can try it, but I think the only outcome would be to alienate her.

All you can do is talk to her and show you care. You can take the horse to the water but you can't make them drink. She is an adult not a horse she gets to make her own decisions and mistakes.

WeirdCatLady · 27/10/2014 07:59

It's not even a good try

duhgldiuhfdsli · 27/10/2014 07:59

It has absolutely nothing to do with you now. S

Well, in principle the OP could probably, depending on the finances of the situation, exert some blackmail using their funding. It's unlikely to end well, however, and most universities would consider a welfare application for emergency help under such a situation.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 27/10/2014 08:02

Bullshit. Reported.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 27/10/2014 08:03

She has cut the apron strings, even if you haven't! I was an angelic child, straight a student and very boring during my teens. Lost my virginity the summer before uni at 18 and had a few wild years after that! But i got a 2:1, and a masters, married my boyfriend from the final year and am now a very respectable mother of two, a qualified accountant and in a senior job for the government.
let her have some fun, be there for her if she needs you but other than very occasional and subtle safe sex advice, you have to keep out of it, she is an adult!

Groovee · 27/10/2014 08:04

I can understand why a parent would be concerned but sometimes we have to let our children make mistakes and find their own way in life, despite how hard that will be.

Maybe speaking to her in a non judgmental way may help put your mind at rest as Facebook is notorious for people lying.

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