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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if this is unreasonable or not...

62 replies

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 19:25

Last week my husband went to a family party. As we have a 3 year old son I offered to stay home as his bed time is 730 pm, so husband could go out and enjoy the party.
Husband got home at midnight, by which time son and I were asleep.
Next day he asked why we did not take son to party as SIL was there with her 3 kids (aged 2, 5 and 8) and was still partying away and according to my husband, totally pissed, when he left.
I might be a bit uptight about this type of thing, and welcome genuine feedback on this, but I thought going out on the booze with 3 young kids in tow was not great parenting. SIL is married and BIL stayed home alone, so why didn't kids stay with him?

OP posts:

tartansocks · 25/10/2014 19:26

I used to go to these sort of parties with my mum and dad. I don't think you're unreasonable in not wanting to but neither is your sil - just a different way of doing things and both are fine.

Wowthishurtsalot · 25/10/2014 19:27

Tbh Id have gone and taken the kids with me. Family parties in my family always mean kids too and Id have sacked off bedtime for one night but would have made sure one of us was sober for no other reason than driving home!

If you both want to get pissed get a sitter

amyhamster · 25/10/2014 19:28

Oh it's fine
Your dh was there to help with his nieces & nephews too I guess
As long as she didn't drive them home it's fine
& bil was home & sober to get them to bed

Original poster

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 19:30

I got taken to quite a few family parties as a young kid, but my parents went home early so we were in bed by 10 pm latest.

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 25/10/2014 19:31

Family parties mean kids too in my family. There are plenty of grown ups around so the parents can have a drink or two and the kids crash out on the sofa at some stage. Next time go and let your son play with his cousins.

Original poster

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 19:31

I am assuming BIL probably gave them a lift home when she finished the party. BIL never drinks so would have been capable of driving his family home.

OP posts:

YouAreMyRain · 25/10/2014 19:31

Family parties like this were a total highlight of my childhood. Being part of an unruly, barely-supervised throng of over-excited children, running around, laughing etc.

I think you should go next time.

FelixTitling · 25/10/2014 19:32

Each to their own I suppose.

I have a Sil like that. She gets hammered and 'has a great time' while her kids run wild and everyone else looks after them for her. Her kids are still alive and haven't come to any undue harm. Though, everyone now gives her a wide berth when she brings them out as you know you're going to end up watching/feeding/minding them otherwise.

I just don't want to go out and get drunk with my kids around. I don't want to have a hangover with them after. If I can't get a babysitter, I either don't go, or (assuming their invited) I'll take them till they've reached their limit and them bring them home. Dh is totally with me on this and we take it in turns depending whose friends/family it is.

museumum · 25/10/2014 19:33

I wouldn't keep my son up till midnight but he's only 1 so wouldn't stay up that late anyway.
I'd probably take him and keep him up an hour or two after his bedtime then take him home but that means leaving at 9:30. If one of us wanted to stay later then they'd probably go alone.

Original poster

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 19:33

My son plays with his cousins sometimes at weekends and I am organizing a Halloween party for them next week. Clearly it is me who is a bit uptight about this, but I would never allow my son to be out partying after 9 pm latest (until he is older).

OP posts:

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 25/10/2014 19:33

Family parties are great fun & there's nothing wrong with seeing grownups having a few drinks in that kind of environment. I loved my childhood & I miss those parties these days.

FelixTitling · 25/10/2014 19:34

they're invited

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 25/10/2014 19:35

I would never allow my son to be out partying after 9 pm latest

Why not? He's with you and family. You can always pop him in a bed there if he gets too tired.

LokiBear · 25/10/2014 19:39

Unless it is a special occasion, I never keep dd3 up past her bedtime by longer than an hour. I can't drink if I'm out and she is with me because I feel like I need to be sober in case she needs me. My DD isn't one of those kids who will curl up and sleep anywhere when she is tired. Instead, she becomes clingy, stroppy and difficult. Drunk adults will try and 'help' which will make things worse and then I will end up feeling like I'm trapped in hell. She will wake up at the same time the next day and be miserable and cranky. However, not everyone has a toddler like mine and other people might not find it as much of a hassle. When my DH has questioned this in the past, I have always pointed out why we don't do it based on our kid. And that one, horrendous time that we did keep her up and we paid for it.

Original poster

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 19:45

I would not want to disrupt his sleep/wake cycle basically. Perhaps I am a bit uptight about the whole sleep/wake cycle thing because I have bipolar and messing with MY sleep/wake cycle can cause me to become unwell, so I am pretty regimented about it. I also do not drink because of the medication I take.
Before getting ill I used to love going to all nighters and raves....but going to them may have contributed to me developing the illness.

OP posts:

Original poster

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 19:46

I should add that I was not playing the martyr staying at home. Because of concerns in my above post I do not drink and do not stay up late anymore, so I would have not really enjoyed the party myself.

OP posts:

Boomtownsurprise · 25/10/2014 19:50

There we go! Nothing to do with child whatsoever.

Thread now ends.

LokiBear · 25/10/2014 19:54

Op, I would have done exactly as you did and I do not have a medical condition to keep on top off. Bedtime routine in important in my house. The only way I'd let dd stay up late is if the party was for someone really close. Even then I'd leave about 9. There comes a point where you are keeping them up so that you can enjoy the party, which is fine if you are enjoying it. If not, then take them home to bed. I know which I prefer and yes, I know I'm boring!

Phineyj · 25/10/2014 19:55

It's horses for courses I think. I wouldn't take little kids to a late party, and I wouldn't want to impose them on other people either. I don't think I'd have much fun either if I were supervising a toddler! I get migraine if I don't sleep enough so try to get up and go to bed at roughly the same time. In some cultures though it seems to be totally normal to lug small kids along but I always assume that the adults involved probably don't all need to be up at 6am all week for work (hence my not wanting to mess up bedtime).

Original poster

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 19:57

I am not sure what you mean boomtown, I was concerned about my son at the same time as I know the effect messing with sleep/wake cycles can have on my health. My son could have easily gone along with husband, but I did not want him to, because I do not think it is a healthy thing to do. It would have been far easier if husband had taken son as I could have watched a Breaking Bad marathon, which I cannot do with my son around due to all the violence in it.

OP posts:

number2093847 · 25/10/2014 19:59

My kids go to bed at 7.30 mostly because they need their sleep and are a nightmare the next couple of days while trying to recoup their sleep. 9 is about the latest they will stay up to on a very special occasion because despite being delightful children, 12 would be sheer hell. They always wake at 7am what ever time they go to bed. They would pass the running around having great fun stage at 8pm and end up sitting zombie like huddled in a chair but unable to sleep with all the action at 10pm.

YouAreMyRain · 25/10/2014 20:00

So you want to know if your sil is bu for drinking at a family party with three kids in tow? The important bit here is FAMILY. They will take collective responsibility for the kids and look out for them. Not all the adults will be drunk, some will be sober. Plus, kids are generally over supervised these days.

Then you reveal that you can't drink, didn't want to go to the party and don't want to disrupt your dcs routine.

So basically you are jealous of your sil and judging her.

Spindarella · 25/10/2014 20:08

Family parties are fine to take kids to. We've always played by ear - if the kids had enough we'd go home. If they were playing happily with their cousins we'd stay longer. And they might gave seen us tipsy.

Original poster

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 20:10

No I am not jealous of SIL one bit. If I wanted a night out I could have one, just I don't.
The other issue is SIL is constantly judging me as a crap parent and this gets me down. I run a small business and basically SIL thinks I should be a SAHM. Husband cannot work due to disability, so if I was a SAHM we would be claiming income support.
I choose to work, we would be pretty well off on benefits due to two lots of DLA rolling in. However I want to earn for myself. I am not judging SAHMs, but equally I do not think I should be judged for working.

OP posts:

BlinkAndMiss · 25/10/2014 20:24

I'm with you on this one OP but I've found it's not the most popular opinion. I don't like drinking but I certainly won't drink with DS in the house and late night parties are a no for us with him. I don't understand people who get drunk and let others take responsibility for their children, even if it is family. It's just not something I'd be comfortable with. Maybe it's because I have to be up early every day and I'm terrified of ruining bedtime, I also agree with you that disrupted sleep is unhealthy and I always feel guilty if things have been a bit much for DS. It's not that I judge others who do this but I know I don't understand it.

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