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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure if this is unreasonable or not...

62 replies

raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 19:25

Last week my husband went to a family party. As we have a 3 year old son I offered to stay home as his bed time is 730 pm, so husband could go out and enjoy the party.
Husband got home at midnight, by which time son and I were asleep.
Next day he asked why we did not take son to party as SIL was there with her 3 kids (aged 2, 5 and 8) and was still partying away and according to my husband, totally pissed, when he left.
I might be a bit uptight about this type of thing, and welcome genuine feedback on this, but I thought going out on the booze with 3 young kids in tow was not great parenting. SIL is married and BIL stayed home alone, so why didn't kids stay with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 20:42

I am glad you can see it that way. I think the situation is I am a bit cheesed off with being told to my face how much I am letting my son down and what a crap parent I am and I genuinely would not dream of going out and getting pissed in charge of a youngster. A few people on the thread are referring to one or two drinks, but that is not the case here, according to my husband she was blotto.
We have an OFSTED registered childminder so perhaps I should go for a decent night out, there is one club night in Manchester that I love. I could probably have one or two drinks, but I prefer not to. Once I got past the age of 30 having more than a couple of pints led to stinking hangovers so I do not enjoy alcohol anymore.

OP posts:
okeydonkey · 25/10/2014 20:42

It depends how drunk you'd get. I think family parties it's ok. I take my LO and drink with my family at a party but as I know we are all in it together, I'm also tipsy rather than pissed, and we'd usually stay over due to location so her travel cot would be set up upstairs. I actually don't think it's nice for kids to see parents too drunk.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 25/10/2014 20:50

It's not that you don't want to do it, it's your judgement of others doing it that is not on. Your SIL did nothing wrong. Plenty of us would, and have, done the same. Taking a child to a family party where people are drinking is not 'going out on the booze'.

I understand that interrupting your sleep cycle affects your bi polar (sorry - it must be awful) but you can't use that as a stick to measure others. Nor one that you can make your DS live by, he's going to want to go to sleepovers, school camps and all kinds of other things where he wont get a good nights sleep, so you are going to have to differentiate between your sleep needs and his.

It is also ridiculous of the sanctimonious posters saying that no one else must be up early... like them Hmm - are they looking for Gold Stars? I am up at 5.20 every morning, 7 days a week and it wouldn't stop me doing this if I wanted to. If I didn't, I wouldn't, but I would own that decision and not blame it on having a small child.

However, it appears you have quite an issue with your SIL - you either need to sort it out or let it go over your head. She's entitled to think her brother would have a better standard of living if you either weren't working or were working in a job which paid well and to be a bit unhappy that you are working for your pride whilst your family is financially worse off for it. You are both entitled to your opinion on that.

Original poster
raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 21:13

I am not working for pride and worse off financially. I am far better off then when neither of us was working, business is doing really well. In year one I was worse off, but that is normal when a business is new. Now the cash is rolling in. We are not mega rich, but doing well and business is expanding.

I just keep out of her way. She gets on my wick to be honest.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/10/2014 21:22

Family parties were seen as incomplete without babies/toddlers/children when I was growing up.

I've got fond memories of playing/chatting in my older cousin's bedroom, while my aunts/uncles would bring us all up a glass of lemonade.

As soon as the buffet was open, we'd all run downstairs to raid it before having a little dance and then disappearing upstairs again Grin

There was always a little 'cabaret' spot too, where the kids in the family would do some Irish dancing or sing a song.

Happy days and no-one ever worried about bedtime.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 25/10/2014 21:26

Well sorry if I misunderstood you. Your post at 20.10 implied (to me anyway) that you weren't doing as well financially as you would be if you were claiming benefits. Is that not the case?

If you are as well off working as you would be on benefits - what is her problem? Does she think her brother is doing too much and really needs your help at home or something?

Probably best to do as you do and keep out of her way :)

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 25/10/2014 21:26

Worra maybe we are related Grin Don't you miss those days? I know I do!

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2014 21:38

Yes I do Chilling! Grin

Although I never thought I'd miss having to stand there, while drunken aunts and uncles sing the Fields of Athenry/Danny Boy to me for the 15th time!

It was always worth it, cos they'd press a 50p coin into our hands afterwards and tell us to buy an ice cream the next day Wink

Original poster
raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 21:47

That is what I said on the 20.10 post

"I choose to work, we would be pretty well off on benefits due to two lots of DLA rolling in"

That does not mean I am worse off now, just if I was to go back on benefits I would have it a lot better than someone on JSA.

We still get 2 lots of DLA now I am working, but now we are getting an income from self-employment too. We are not exactly millionaires, but are doing pretty well and I am only in my 3rd year of trading, so hopefully my wage will get bigger as the business continues to expand.

OP posts:
Original poster
raltheraffe · 25/10/2014 21:49

She was really nice with me until I started the business. Seems she is pissed off about that. Although it gets me down I genuinely do not think any mum who works is a crap parent, just as I do not judge SAHMs. Each to their own really.

OP posts:
Mushypeasandchipstogo · 25/10/2014 22:35

For what it's worth I am 100% with you on this one OP. Stick to your guns as you are totally right!

LittleBearPad · 25/10/2014 22:48

You do seem to be taking a rather hard line on this. She and her children were with family. They were perfectly safe.

You need your sleep but that isn't the case for other people and you shouldnt assume your DS needs such a strict adherence to a sleep routine. He'd almost certainly have been fine if you'd gone and could have slept if need be in one of the bedrooms.

gobbynorthernbird · 26/10/2014 00:26

I genuinely would not dream of going out and getting pissed in charge of a youngster

God, our family would never have a get-together if we all thought like this.

thursday · 26/10/2014 00:39

My kids can stay up as late as they are able (ie they are having fun / before they become wailing, stumbling fools vomiting OJ. This has varied from 9pm to 1am for my son when he was 3). DH isn't a big drinker so her is Sober Parent and I avoid getting shitfaced til they're asleep. SIL ditches hers on benevolent grandparents who aren't really up to chasing them round then gets hammered. This is at hotels/weddings though.

So i might judge her a tiny bit for getting blotto as sole parent with her kids and assuming everyone else is happy to monitor (I wasn't!) but certainly not for taking them to a family party to have fun and getting drunk. Sounds ace.

Momagain1 · 26/10/2014 00:51

oP isnt jealous of SIL. oP was challenged by dh re: her not being like SIL. And why should she be like SIL? Why should she go, get drunk, and keep her kids out late? Esp as dh was not soberly available to drive them all home again as BIL. Evidently was.

assuming dh knows your health limitations, why would he even ask this queston? That's the unreasonable thing about this scenario. That and dh evidently driving home while drunk.

TheBooMonster · 26/10/2014 00:56

I suppose it depends whether it was at a venue or a a family members house, where the small folk could have snuck away to a room to sleep had they got tired? that for me would be the distinction. My parents are still fairly young, we do new years with them if we do xmas with PiLs and there tends to be free flowing booze and karaoke but when DD and DH get fed up or tired they can sneak upstairs to sleep, so I bring drag them along.

Momagain1 · 26/10/2014 01:00

"You need your sleep but that isn't the case for other people and you shouldnt assume your DS needs such a strict adherence to a sleep routine. He'd almost certainly have been fine if you'd gone and could have slept if need be in one of the bedrooms."

So, she should she have gone, stayed sober as she needs to, napped with the children, and then driven drunk dh, and sleepy child home? Because that would be super fun, and reasonable?

It's not.

The only reasonable option is for dh to not expect OP to behave as his sister, because that would be a poorer choice for OP than it seems to be for sister. If it is important for ds to be there, dh has to go, and stay sober so he can drive ds, home past ds bedtime.

Hakluyt · 26/10/2014 06:06

I hope this isn't racist of me- but I suspect I can spot the people with Irish families on here Grin

Maybe we should have our own thread........

"Ooooooooo Daaaaaaannnnnny booooyyyyyyyy.........."

ipswichwitch · 26/10/2014 06:29

Since every situation is different you just weigh up wether the disruption to sleep is worth it or not. In your case, no. Not if it affects your health that way.
Fwiw DS1 (3yo) is bloody unbearable if we keep him up late. He gets hideously overtired and the screaming starts. He has never been the sort of kid to curl up in a corner and sleep, and certainly not if there's anything even remotely exciting going on. We've had lots I pressure to take him out and keep him up late for family things, but thing is it's always me left dealing with an overtired and shrieking toddler (bitter memories of being left for an hour at my own wedding trying to calm him down). I won't do it again until he's a bit older and better able to cope. He does have health related sleep issues we are still trying to sort though.

DS2 is totally different. A take anywhere anytime sort, who can sleep anywhere he likes. I am slightly envious of those who can take kids to family parties and they have a great time. Believe me, it's no fun for anyone having stroppy overtired DS1 there when he start screaming.

Gennz · 26/10/2014 06:40

I would totally get boozed with kids in tow if I had a sober driver home & had family members who didn't mind keeping a vague eye on the kids! I have v happy memories of parties, kids left to own devices, playing spotlight in the garden, watching Empire Strikes Back for the 500th time, Dad's rendition of Wild Rover, falling asleep on a spare bed until being chucked in the car to go home. Hope my kids have similar memories.

My family is Irish too!! I'm 5th generation though, old habits die hard!

thecatfromjapan · 26/10/2014 07:04

You are letting your SIL get to you. Forget her - and enjoy being you.
So long as she's not being abusive or neglectful, let her parent the way she wants. Be happy that there is variety in the world.
Don't let your dh undermine you. He almost certainly enjoyed the party more without a child to entertain.
Your SIL sounds as though she enjoys being a bit malicious towards you. You sound a bit unconfident, as though you think you are to blame for the MH issues you have. Or that you are a less good parent because of them.
I'm sure that's not true.
Hope you are looking forward to a good day today.
All the best.

thecatfromjapan · 26/10/2014 07:07

I also agree with the poster who thinks your dh was out of line.

Spindarella · 26/10/2014 07:15

momagan

You're making some big leaps. Op was not "challenged by DH re: her not being like SIL" he actually asked why we did not take son to party as SIL was there with her 3 kids which is different. Also where are you drawing the conclusion that DH drove home drunk from?

Inkspellme · 26/10/2014 07:22

you say your other sil is judging you and you hate it. I would hate it too. however, what I picked up from your posts is you are equally happy to judge your sil yourself. You have your own reasons to keep your son to his routine. your sil chose differently but you seem to be want to be told that you are the better parent here.

my opinion is to forget the comparisons. we all parent differently.

Melawen · 26/10/2014 07:35

An interesting question and pertinent for me too as I am having a big party in two weeks. It's in my hometown, but as the rest of the family are staying at the party (hotel) venue I have opted to stay there too, mostly so I can have a drink or two without worrying about driving, but also so I can just pop DD (nearly 3) in to bed when she starts flagging - she will have a later night than usual but I reckon she'll handle it as it's a special occasion with lots of family and other children around.

I know that family will help, but I don't expect them to take charge while I party hard (which I don't do!). But I do think that you need to go with works for you, each family is different. I would not go to regular parties with DD but as a one off I think it's perfectly acceptable.

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