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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving a 3yr old for a night out...

76 replies

McBear · 25/10/2014 18:55

Ok help me out.

I have a chance to go out and have a well needed night out with DP to reinvigorate our relationship/just have fun.

We are an hour from home in DPs home town. dD is with his mum. She loves his mum.

We've had an offer to stay at a friends house so I can drink (I never do and it would be great to be able to)

BUT...

I just can't shake the idea that I am being unreasonable in putting a night out above my daughter. She rarely sleeps the night and always wants cuddles. She is happy and safe with her DGma but I can't help feeling guilty. Does it make me a bad parent to do this? This will be my first night away from her.

OP posts:

fairylightsintheloft · 26/10/2014 07:40

Oh I am so sorry you didn't enjoy your night but I agree with others that for the sake of your marriage you really need to try and work through this. It's so important to reestablish yourselves as a couple at some point and if you have suitable relatives to leave her with and she is happy there really is no reason not to. My friend has a 7 year old and I dont think she has ever spent a night away from her, only not put her to bed about twice. Its now self fulfilling because the daughter is very insecure and clingy and probably wouldn't be happy being left because her mum has built it up to such a big thing. What were you worrying about when you were lying awake? Can you rationalise it?

Ragwort · 26/10/2014 07:50

I reiterate what fairy has said, I have a friend who has never, ever left her DC for the night, her relationship with her DH is clearly suffering, her DC are clingy and anxious - it is just not good for any of them.

And, I always say this on Mumsnet, but what would happen if you are rushed into hospital or worse ? I have raised my DC to be independent, they have been used to being left at night (with family or close friends) from a young age and if I was run over by a bus tomorrow I am quite sure they would be able to cope hope they might miss me a little bit .

And before anyone says 'what if you don't have family nearby?' - we have never had family near by but built up relationships with friends and neighbours so that we could happily share 'sleepovers' from a young age.

bigbluestars · 26/10/2014 08:06

Marriage is not dependant on a "night out".

It's a Western concept that millions of familes world wide don't need or embrace.

My OH and I have never had a "night out" for 17 years since our first child was born. My parents never had a "night out" that I can ever remember and their marriage, like mine was rock solid.

We do socialise, have friends, meet socially, share dinner with others. I socialise while the kids are at school. We have Halloween parties, BBQs, picnics, we love eating out, the kids love rating out, but if OH and I are eating out then it is a family thing. On occasion OH and I may have lunch out when the kids are at school.

If a child is happy staying at grans for a night then why noy, but marriages can be great without a night out on the piss.

Ragwort · 26/10/2014 08:15

Having a 'night out' does not mean 'on the piss' bigbluestars - - my DH and I are involved with voluntary work (with vulnerable children if you need to know) and are out once a week doing that and we take the chlldren away for weekends which has, on occasion, meant leaving our own DS when he was very young and it would have been disruptive (for the other children) to take him with us.

You are lucky in that you are able to socialise when your children are at school - many people do not have that luxury.

Artandco · 26/10/2014 08:21

We must be terrible here, ds2 is 3 also. He's had at least x2 week long stays since 6 months old plus a lot of single nights/ weekends

Showy · 26/10/2014 08:37

You do NOT have to let the overnight stays happen to have a strong marriage. Grandparents have our DC in the evening, for whole days at the weekend and family time doesn't mean I morph into some faceless mummy figure with nothing to say to dh. If your marriage depends on overnights then fine but it's rude to make sweeping generalisations.

Anyway, op didn't say she was up worrying. She got little sleep. She may very well have been pissed as a fart and swinging from a chandelier.

bigbluestars · 26/10/2014 10:03

"You are lucky in that you are able to socialise when your children are at school - many people do not have that luxury."

I don't understand that comment ragwort- in what way am I "lucky"?

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 26/10/2014 10:08

fairy I didn't read it like that at all, I think the OP very much enjoyed her night out and now feels a little worse for wear only having had an hours sleep

Artandco · 26/10/2014 10:11

Big - because many people have families where both adults work all day. So only time to socialise in week is after 7/8pm. Someone who can meet with dh for lunch whilst children at school is therefore seem as 'lucky' as have extra opportunity/ time

bigbluestars · 26/10/2014 10:23

I choose not to work 9-5 Monday- Friday. I don't see that as being lucky though.

eurochick · 26/10/2014 10:28

You are lucky to have that choice. Of course you are.

bigbluestars · 26/10/2014 10:30

Rubbish.

bigbluestars · 26/10/2014 10:30

Nothing to do with luck at all.

Loveloveloveher · 26/10/2014 10:39

Wow at some of the catty comments towards the op last night.

Pretty ridiculous that some assume you become a husband neglector if you don't have overnights away from your child. My parents didn't leave me overnight until I was in school. After 50 years of marriage and 3 children they are still very happy together.

Anyway, well done on taking some time for yourself McBear. You sound like a great Mum. First time was always going to be hard!

Original poster

McBear · 26/10/2014 11:43

Of course you are lucky that you have the choice to not work. I have to work all day every week day and would love to not have to but the bills won't pay themselves.

Yes I did have a wonderful night, certainly helped our relationship have a night where we are more than parents together.

DD obviously slept thru AND had a bit of a lie in. We went to sleep at half 5 (I have no idea how I stayed up that late. 9pm is usually my cut off) and woke up at half 6 and properly at 7. I could definitely be described as worse for wear. DD isn't and is insisting I play. DP has somehow managed to fall asleep on the sofa...

OP posts:

bigbluestars · 26/10/2014 13:49

"Of course you are lucky that you have the choice to not work." I do work. I work full time.

eurochick · 26/10/2014 14:17

And you have a job that allows you not to work office hours. Many people (me included) do not have that option.

bigbluestars · 26/10/2014 14:51

Always an option. I am self employed for that very reason.

hollie84 · 26/10/2014 14:55

Don't be ridiculous bigblue, not everyone has the option to choose to be self employed and not work office hours.

bigbluestars · 26/10/2014 14:57

hollie- sorry but I disagree.

hollie84 · 26/10/2014 15:00

So what do you suggest everyone could choose to do if they want to be self employed and not work office hours then?

anothermakesthree · 26/10/2014 15:01

I really really don't get threads like these. It really is the parenting world gone mad.

Original poster

McBear · 26/10/2014 15:07

Someone has to work office hours tho

Anyway, that's not what this thread is about. I think everyone hates the working parent debate...

OP posts:

Stealthpolarbear · 26/10/2014 15:14

Glad it went well op :)
I am also a bit shocked at the comments on this thread.

Lucylouby · 26/10/2014 16:12

I'm glad your dd enjoyed her first sleepover. I didn't leave dd1 for a sleepover until she was 5.5 years. Ds was 3. I didn't have the night off as I still kept dd2 with me as I wasn't ready to leave her yet.
The first time I left all 3 of them was when dd2 was 2 years old. DH and I had evenings out and that was enough for us. Our relationship was fine and it suited our family at the time.

Now the children are 4,6 and 8, I actively encourage sleepovers, but when they were younger it just wasnt for us. Neither is right or wrong, it's just what works for you.

(And op, you are right, everyone hates the working parents debate and there is never a winner to it. I'm self employed and work from home, but if everyone did my job, three would be no work for me, someone has to go to the office each day to keep me in a job).

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