Flogging a dead horse but... internet porn in relationships

[dorasee]

So...I have a great DH.Love the guy. Like the guy. Have kids with the guy. We have a good marriage and we are solid BUT he has a 'habit' (the clue is in the title of this thread).
Whenever I 're-discover' that this habit is still alive and not going away (even though we've had the talks), I feel shit. And that's about it really. I feel shit. I know all the jargon, "It's not about you, it's about his habit" and "Guys just need an outlet. It's not big deal" and "Hey it's not like it's an actual affair" oh and let's not forget "The thing is, it's not about intimacy. It's just about getting his rocks off"... yeah so, all of that and the rest.

I still feel shit.

I don't argue with him about it anymore. I don't ask questions anymore. I don't talk about it with him. I don't treat him badly or differently. But I feel badly and yes, differently about my approach towards him on an intimate level. Life goes on. And yet, my desire to have sex with him is just decreasing with each 'surprise' walk-in. I just don't want to be close to him.

PLEASE don't offer the sage advice "Hey, why not join in? After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

I don't know what I need to hear but I wish I just didn't feel so crappy about me, about us, about this stupid, kinky elephant in the living room.

Well all I can say is that your feelings are totally valid.

You don't have to put up with this. In fact, in my eyes this is a major problem. If my DH had this attitude I could not be with him, he would turn my stomach.

What is his excuse for not dealing with it?

Has he thought of being more discreet and making sure you aren't going to walk in on him? I'd be v pissed off if I kept catching him at it. Yes, it happens, but why is he rubbing your face in it? Yanbu

I would find it extremely difficult to leave my DH if he had a porn habit but I think that I would have to.I couldn't love or respect a man who got his jollies from this source.Just as bad if not worse is the lying about it.He tells you what you want to hear so you STFU,then goes on his own sweet way till the next time he's caught.These are just 2 reasons why I couldn't be with a porn hound.I'm sure that there are many more but I feel slightly nauseous just thinking about it.

How many times have you "walked in" on him mid porn-facilitated bash ?

If you can do it so easily, I assume that any dc can too.

I've felt differently about this in the past, but if it's become a 'habit' then personally, I'd say it's a problem.

How bad a habit OP? All the time?

I think this man would quickly lose any sexual appeal for me too

Yes i agree with inspace - why is he doing it so openly that you keep walking in on him? Is he embarrassed when you do so?

I have no idea if my DH looks at porn or not. I have never caught him doing so, but i dont check tge history of his phone. I am sure he must have a crafty wank every now and then (our sex life his fine but we are not exactky at it like rabbits these days!) But i am pretty sure he would be mortified if i did ever catch him at it?

Does your dh not care?!

I could not maintain a relationship with someone who gets off to something which could be a women being abused.

woman

Dorasee I'm not sure what my advice is but. I can tell you my opinion changed.

Stbxh was always open about porn use. Never bothered me. Thought all blokes probably did it and thought it was good he was open about it.

Our relationship deteriorated (not because of this) but I do think porn gives a really distorted and terrible message that it's ok to objectify women. I don't think Xh has any respect fir women. Certainly none for me. It says their needs are superior. He definitely ignored mine. Towards end (recent) we weren't having sex. I didn't want him as he had no feeling towards me. Just would've been ok to use me. He was angry about it. One morning as I got ready for work, he put porn on his phone and threw it in front of me as a joke. Just horrible.

I think it's pretty unhealthy to normalise its to a great extent.

Your feelings are totally valid and he is out of order because it does upset you so much.
We enjoy porn together or when alone, but If I wasn't happy there is no way I'd keep quiet.
I know why you do though, because you probably think it won't make any difference he'll do it anyway.
Every time you don't talk to him about it, or don't treat him any differently, or don't argue or ask questions he is thinking you are ok with it or at best resigned to the fact.
This lack of communication about what is bothering you will build up the resentment and ruin your relationship, it isn't the porn per se, it could be any problem that wasn't sorted.

im obviously in the minority but I don't understand the problem with porn.the vast majority of men watch it and more women than you would think do too. it's not something I would ever consider leaving a rock solid relationship over

Mommy - it doesnt matter what your attitude is (and I would imagine a fairly substantial proportion of women do feel the way you do - it so happens that I don't, but that's not relevant either). What does matter is that the OP doesn't like it, and her husband values a quick wank more than her feelings. That's the problem - he's saying, over and over again, that she (an actual real-life human being) is less important than what to him are just pixels on a computer screen (btw, my objection to porn is that they aren't just pixels on a screen - it's a film of real people, some of whom are consenting, some of whom aren't, and the end user cannot tell the difference). And I'd also be worried about the "walking in on" aspect - if she can do it, so can his kids.

I don't mind porn but would get upset to walk in on dh watching it and pleasuring himself.

What makes one persons feelings on huge subject any more valid than the other's? I also don't buy the whole what if the child walks in thing, what if the child walks in on the parents having an intimate moment or either parent masturbating?

I get that some people don't like it, what I don't get is why that means that the other person should stop doing it as long as they don't expect the partner to be involved or behave in a way consistent with porn.

OP hasn't come back to comment on the "walking in" aspect

She has children

If her pornhound partner can't help his compulsion to the pint where she walks in on him doing fuck knows what, then their children can too

OP ? Any comment on that ?

*point

I can understand how you feel Dorasee, and I would feel the same, it would be a turn off for me. I don't know what you feel you can do about it though, especially as you feel in other respects he is a 'great guy' and you love him.

p.s. just wondering, before you married, did you know he had this habit?

As the OP has already had "The Talk", she has clearly laid down house law.

Her partner is wilfully defying her and acting in a manner that is contrary to arbitrary control and restraint limitations and should be reported to the police for contravening the 2014 self pleasuring act. At the very least it's abusive of him on several different levels.

Other than that I can only suggest some sort of neural suppressant to make him behave in the manner you find acceptable and normal.

or alternatively, OP could trust her own judgment and fuck him right off

I think its equal to rl cheating.. getting off to another woman

I've had the same chat with my dp and it took about 6months for him to get it

YANBU! !!!

I have no idea what to advise, but I feel the same way as you about it. I have a zero tolerance policy, which DP is fully aware of. He knows, and has agreed, that if he was ever to use porn, our relationship would be over. I could not continue a relationship with a man who thought that it was acceptable behaviour.

Hmm I've watched porn and I've admit I've enjoyed it, and before i get a flaming, ive always ensured its the soft cheesy variety directed by women usually. random hardcore iternet, most defo not!!! but I don't watch it now as we don't need to. I would never watch it without DP as that is wrong and secretive in my opinion. And likewise.

My concern is that you've made it v clear that it upsets you, and yet still he continues. That is the problem here. Not porn in relationships. Some do, some don't. Everyone's opinion is valid.

Ignoring the fact you are clearly distressed is wrong!!

Possible triggering post I used to watch a lot of porn with my ex, I've mentioned it before. I wouldn't watch it again. Anyone with more than a very occasional habit is quickly going to notice how many women have forced smiles plastered on their faces while the man/men in the picture are doing everything in their power to hurt them, and the women who are not even pretending that they want to be there. There is a popular video on one site of a woman in a gangbang scenario who is literally shaking in fear/shock while the men laugh at her and carry on. One of the last videos I saw was of a teenage girl on a table getting fucked by various young men. Eventually she was in such pain she started crying. At this point a 'cool girl' came into the picture smiling and encouraging the girl to keep going. She agreed. The last guy fucked her really hard while she gritted her teeth and tried not to cry. I hate to think how many rapes I have witnessed on porn channels, how many women are threatened, coerced or pressurized off camera, or just ignored or gloated over on camera.

A vegetarian friend of mine spoke to me about the hypocrisy of meat eaters - that we consider ourselves decent people and we love animals but when we want a steak we can switch our feelings off about what that animal went through to appear on the plate and just enjoy our meal. I think it's the same process with porn viewers who want their orgasm (unless they are just out and proud woman haters in which case porn sites are their Disneyland) and don't care what the woman in the scene is going through - we are just very selfish beings.

Sorry Op, I always hop up on my soapbox when I end up on a porn thread! In your situation, I would move on. If the guy is that obsessed with porn that you regularly catch him, he has a problem.