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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a bad idea

92 replies

noseymcposey · 24/10/2014 19:59

DSS (18) wants to meet up with a girl he's met on Tindr. She was going to come and stay but his Mum has said no. Instead, apparently, her parents are going to come and pick him up on Tuesday night at 7.30 from Sainsbury's carpark and take him to their house some 50 miles away.

He is insistent that he is going. AIBU to think it sounds really dodgy? (His Mum and Dad are also adamant that it is a terrible idea)

OP posts:
lalalonglegs · 24/10/2014 20:46

Even if the people ARE who they purport to be, why would he (or anyone) want to spend three days with someone he has never met and her parents?

Itsfab · 24/10/2014 20:47

YANBU.

I read a horrible story about an 18 year old man who went on a date with someone he had met on line. Except it wasn't what he was expecting and he is now dead.

Listen to your gut feeling.

WoodliceCollection · 24/10/2014 20:49

WTF? YANBU at all. If the people he's in contact with really are the girl's parents (and indeed if there really is a girl, and she is really old enough to be picking up men online, rather than some dodgy middle aged swingers or whoever really), then they have no fucking boundaries or common sense or parenting skill whatsoever to invite a stranger to their house and pick him up from 50 miles away so he can shag their daughter. Why can't they meet for coffee/pub/an actual chat or date before deciding what to do next and doing it themselves like the adults they legally are?

Annunziata · 24/10/2014 20:50

Oh for goodness sake talking about being dead is ridiculous, and my sons are the biggest mamma's boys around, believe you me.

He is 18, he is an adult, talking about locking him up is just stupid.

Original poster
noseymcposey · 24/10/2014 20:50

Thanks again for your replies - and Woodlice that is exactly my thought. Even IF they are what they say... still wtf would you agree to that?

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 24/10/2014 20:51

Why can't they pick him up from his house?

My DD is 16. If she were meeting someone she had got to know on tinder, I would go out of my way to speak to the boy/girl's parents just to set their minds at rest.

WoodliceCollection · 24/10/2014 20:51

The picking him up from supermarket carpark sounds even more dodgy. I would really be swithering about staking out the carpark/calling the police if I was his mum, someone should at least be there to make sure he's not dragged off in the back of some van- unlikely but not unheard of.

Itsfab · 24/10/2014 21:13

I am sure the parents of the dead child think it is ridiculous too Annunziata.Hmm

ScaryZ · 24/10/2014 21:16

Are you sure he isn't just heading off with people he does know and doesn't want to tell you?

Because the weird thing about this isn't an 18 year old boy wanting to go off and stay with some random girl. It's some random girl's parents agreeing to drive to collect a boy.

But there is one possible explanation - they could be doing so because their alternative (if their dd is 18) is to let her go, on the bus, to stay with some random 18 year old boy and his parents.

They may well be having the same conversation.

18 year olds are allegedly adults, but they are still kids underneath, and thus still very stupid [sigh]

kusmile · 24/10/2014 21:32

YANBU and that sounds like a potentially dodgy situation. It's a very basic safety precaution that any 1st time meetings should be in a non-isolated public place. There was something in the news yesterday about a guy meeting another guy on a dating app, but it turned out to be a set up and he was attacked with a cattle prod and robbed.

Safety aside, what if they don't like each other? Or the parents disapprove of him for some reason? Your son could be stuck overnight in a really awkward situation.

Why do they have to do an overnighter? Can't they meet somewhere during the day at the weekend?

Trust your instincts on this one.

pictish · 24/10/2014 21:34

Seeing as he's 18 there's nowt you can do as such, but if this were my son I'd be giving it the major "ARE YOU MAD??!!"

Original poster
noseymcposey · 24/10/2014 21:41

ScaryZ, I don't think he's intending to do something else, I can't imagine what else he'd be doing that this is a better story! I think he'd just say he was at a mate's house.

Actually, I am quite surprised he has been this forthcoming with information. He won't show his mum her profile/photo on Tinder though.. You raise a good point about why her parents might be doing it, but why agree to him coming for 3 nights? I can't imagine wanting to spend 3 whole days and nights with someone I'd never met before. The whole thing sounds weird.

So I'm thinking maybe we can try and talk him into giving me/us more details so we can carry out some safety checks (internet stalking) to see if it seems legit. But taking the approach that it's not because he's 18, I'd be having this conversation with any adult who was planning on meeting someone for the first time.

OP posts:
Original poster
noseymcposey · 24/10/2014 21:42

Think his mum has probably tried the ARE YOU MAD! Approach, but you know he probably can't see past he potential 3 day shagfest (he's not had a girlfriend yet)

OP posts:
pictish · 24/10/2014 21:45

Ahhh...the force is strong in this one. Wink

Can't see what you can realistically do. Make sure he's got his phone and that he can get in contact should it go tits up.
3 days is a long time to spend with someone you've never met. They might not click.

SpidersDontWashTheirHands · 24/10/2014 21:45

I'm with Pictish. And I'd probably be hanging around Sainsbos car park on Tuesday night.

Bogeyface · 24/10/2014 21:51

Lets assume this is all above board.....(although I agree it sounds v dodgy)

Have you told him the chances of him getting laid are slim to none on the basis that her parents probably wont leave them alone long enough? So in fact he will be on a 3 day "come for tea and meet my parents" type date, which are excrutiating enough when you can escape after 2 hours!

I would offer him a compromise that you will take him to hers rather than them pick him up. I cant help wondering if it is in fact a much older woman and that why he doesnt want you to see her profile.

ahfuckit · 24/10/2014 21:52

Can you ask him if he has seen her on Skype or Facetalk? If her webcam is 'broken' that would be enough for me to be seriously concerned.

pictish · 24/10/2014 22:03

I wonder if bogey is on to something with the older woman?
I don't know...just a crawly hunch says she could be right.

Original poster
noseymcposey · 24/10/2014 22:10

I wondered if her picture is quite sexy hence why he wouldn't show his mum?

Good idea to ask about skype etc. I am only 33 but so out of touch with how people communicate. What else is likely, that I could ask about?

OP posts:
Original poster
noseymcposey · 24/10/2014 22:14

I think I am going to ask him if he'll show me (seeing as I'm not his Mum or Dad) I doubt he'll say yes but you never know...

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 24/10/2014 22:14

This is strange, it doesnt matter how they met, people who dont live nearby have been meeting somehow for ages. The parental involvement and 3 day visit is odd. It's not so great a distance that he couldnt take the bus or train for a less involved date. (cue story of grandad walking 50 miles to sit in the front room for an hour and court Gran on a Sunday when they were young)

ahfuckit · 24/10/2014 22:20

Not sure what else you can ask about, but there is good information on the CEOP site. Well worth checking out. I think you are right to be worried. Has he given you her address? Also sorry if you have said but has he told you how old he thinks she is?

Original poster
noseymcposey · 24/10/2014 22:26

Agree that the parental involvement and 3 day visit is odd.

Will ask those questions too ahfuckit. He's not here at the moment, but will ask all these things tomorrow. And yes, I would much prefer that DH took him, than he was collected at least then he could try and assess the situation. Even better would be if he got a lift there and back again and if all went well, then they could think about an overnight visit.

Also agree he should be able to get himself there!

OP posts:
CromerSutra · 24/10/2014 23:14

It's really odd. I would be very concerned. As another poster said why would you not just meet up one day either nearer to your home or hers or in between for lunch or a drink. Also why not pick him up from his house? This is really suspicious and I'd feel duty bound to tell him so but if he won't listen to also be in the Sainsbury's car park at meeting time.

AgentProvocateur · 24/10/2014 23:25

He's 18, and an adult. Do people really have this much involvement in their adult children' s lives? Hmm