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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

help! dilemma!

60 replies

rockpaperscissorsstone · 23/10/2014 22:42

My dp works away from home. He earns a good wage in a job he loves but its is a different country (a few hours travel away). I chose to stay living in the same town when he took this job as I have a good job with career prospects, and we have a 3 yo dd who we thought may need stability.
I didn't realise how hard this would be and I am not coping well with this.

So, aibu to pack it all in and move to the other country and have to start again? Or should I be sticking it out here? I need opinions because I'm exhausted weighing this up in my mind.

OP posts:
Thebodynowchillingsothere · 23/10/2014 22:48

Well I should go in a heart beat.

My dh has worked away for years and it's been bloody hard on us all.

Pancakeflipper · 23/10/2014 22:49

Write a list of pros and cons.

Then look at the cons and all your worries with your husband. He might see things in a different light.

It's really hard whatever you pick. And think about your child and any future children especially their school years.

My DP works away a lot but not in the same country - he goes to different one. And I know it's really hard at times. I have no family near me but thankfully developed a good network over the years. Exhausting at times isn't it?

PiperIsOrange · 23/10/2014 22:51

This is not a dig.

For me I prefer to see my DC every day and to spend time with them. I love spending time with DH on the weekends and when he is on days the evenings together.

I really don't know how you do it.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 23/10/2014 22:52

Also if you leave it too long it's harder to move your ds.

He's very portable now.

It's not ideal family life living apart. And it gets tougher as the kids get older.

Iggi999 · 23/10/2014 22:54

...there is of course the option of the man changing his job, not just the woman.

Original poster
rockpaperscissorsstone · 23/10/2014 22:54

It drains the life out of me! Dp tries to talk me into going all the time so he's hugely biased! I'm quite sure dd would be happy, she's not at nursery yet so we wouldn't have to worry about a change over.

I love my job and its been blood sweat and tears for the last ten years to get to where I am, which puts me off giving it up. But I don't know if its enough. I feel hollow without dp. Turns out I'm not as independent and self sufficient as i thought!

OP posts:
Hassled · 23/10/2014 22:54

How long have you trialled this for? I really wouldn't rush into any sort of a decision - give it plenty of time.

My DH has worked away from home for years now - but within the UK, and he's nearly always here at weekends. It's just our normal now - kids are used to it, I'm used to it. I have no family but close enough friends that I know they'd help in a crisis. It is doable.

It also depends what the other country is like. Could you see yourself being happy there?

Squtternutbaush · 23/10/2014 22:55

If you also have decent career options could you discuss the possibility of him looking for a job closer to home so youre not uprooting your daughter too?

That said I don't think its a big issue when they are that age I just notices that you had picked it out as a staying point

iwishiwasacat · 23/10/2014 22:56

Personally, I'd go. Children that young can adjust so easily. Mine have survived 2 international moves. What about if in a couple of years you decided you couldn't stay apart any longer? Your child would be in school and it would be even harder to leave.

Can you do your job in the new country?

Kingoftheroad · 23/10/2014 22:59

I would go in an instant. Would love to experience another/country and culture. It doesn't have to be permanent, you could try it for say six months and see how you feel. I always went on the theory happy parents happy child, children are very adaptable and I'm sure he'd benefit more being with his daddy - good luck with whatever you choose

Original poster
rockpaperscissorsstone · 23/10/2014 22:59

I would be a sahm if I move Piper, so I would see more of dd, I am currently working ft so that would be a bonus. Being a sahm terrifies me though...fear of the unknown!

iggi unfortunately its quite specialised work for dp and a fantastic opportunity... I work in a more 'common' career. But i do agree!

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 23:02

Don't go. Your job....you love it...you're going to be a sahm?

How long is DP planning on working there? Does he have a plan? Which country is it? That would influence many people's plans.

Original poster
rockpaperscissorsstone · 23/10/2014 23:04

That's good to know hassled, I was hoping we would fall into a good routine! We've only been doing this for a few months, and dp would apply for jobs closer to home if it came up but that could be years.

I'm a bit indifferent to the other country, its of similar culture so probably not too hard to adapt to.

I could do my job in new country, but childcare would become a bit more if an issue...we've got an extremely supportive network at present

OP posts:
mameulah · 23/10/2014 23:04

Go! Go! Go!!!! And I say that as someone who travelled globally as a single person for five years. There is nothing better than family. Go and enjoy being one.

NO dilemma.

Original poster
rockpaperscissorsstone · 23/10/2014 23:10

clap, I do love my job. I'm quite young for my profession so I've had to work hard to prove myself. The plan had been that he would work there until an opportunity closer to home came up. But, that could take forever, and there are no guarantees. I'm quite sure dd will adapt...im just worried that I wont!

OP posts:
Squtternutbaush · 23/10/2014 23:14

If you're not sure don't do it!

Surely you need to discuss where the better options lie, would it have a huge financial impact if you moved and left work.

WooWooOwl · 23/10/2014 23:15

What would you have to return to if you tried it and didn't like it? Would you be giving up your home completely?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 23/10/2014 23:18

Go! You feel hollow without him? Your daughter would be better off with him around more?What are you waiting for?!

Original poster
rockpaperscissorsstone · 23/10/2014 23:22

The finance... We could rent property out, which would be more sensible than giving it up completely. We could survive without my wage, but it again means making sacrifices in order to do so. My head (the sensible one) tells me to stay, more money, support and job. My heart has some romantic notion of doing the family thing and being together. Neither of them in their entirety is right!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/10/2014 23:22

I don't know how people can survive when partners work away for a long time. I don't think I'd be very happy in this type of arrangement. If there was an end in sight and it was a temporary arrangement then it might be bearable.

Squtternutbaush · 23/10/2014 23:27

I think your DP needs to make a compromise here, if you go it sounds like you and your daughter would be making a lot of sacrafices whereas if he took a job closer to home that'd be the only sacrifice.

I think you both need to have a serious discussion about this, there's no obvious or easy answer unfortunately.

Good luck either way.

nocoolnamesleft · 23/10/2014 23:27

I may be overprojecting here(!) but go. I've spent most of my life putting career ahead of family/life of my own. Don't make my mistake.

AgentProvocateur · 23/10/2014 23:29

I'd go (and have done) in a heartbeat. If it doesn't work out, you can come back. It's hard to keep a marriage going when you're in different countries.

Original poster
rockpaperscissorsstone · 23/10/2014 23:31

Thanks squatternut. Discussion needs to be had. If there was a job closer to home, he would apply in a heartbeat! Good ol' rubbish job market. nocoolnames, that frightens me too a bit. But being a sahm frightens me too. Everything frightens me! I'm having to cine to terms with the fact that I'm a bit of a wimp!

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 23:37

I have been in your position OP. It's VERY hard I know. So many people urge "Go! Go!" but when you're in the position, it's not as clear cut and if you are anything like me, you will go up and down with all the different scenarios and possible outcomes.

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