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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

help! dilemma!

60 replies

rockpaperscissorsstone · 23/10/2014 22:42

My dp works away from home. He earns a good wage in a job he loves but its is a different country (a few hours travel away). I chose to stay living in the same town when he took this job as I have a good job with career prospects, and we have a 3 yo dd who we thought may need stability.
I didn't realise how hard this would be and I am not coping well with this.

So, aibu to pack it all in and move to the other country and have to start again? Or should I be sticking it out here? I need opinions because I'm exhausted weighing this up in my mind.

OP posts:
Twooter · 23/10/2014 23:42

If you're going from career woman to sahm, it would also partly depend on whether you can speak the language or be able to pick it up easily. I wouldn't fancy being alone abroad with nobody to communicate with easily.

ColdCottage · 23/10/2014 23:50

Go.

Life is too short. Be with the one you love and be a family.

sunbathe · 23/10/2014 23:56

I'd stay. Good job, career prospects, saving for a pension etc, good support network.

You'd be giving up that in exchange for being a SAHM with less money in a country you find 'indifferent'.

How much more would you see dp if you moved?

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 23/10/2014 23:59

You've worked hard to get where you are with your job.
You have a good job (not to be knocked!! = own two feet if necessary).
You don't really want to be a SAHM.

You don't really want to move to the country he's in.
He's not fussed about the country he's in.
He can keep applying for other jobs.

I think it would be madness to go. I would tell him that you have no intention of going and if he wants to live as a family HE needs to be proactive in getting a job back home or somewhere else that you can get a fab job, with good childcare in a country you want to go to.

Original poster
rockpaperscissorsstone · 24/10/2014 00:02

That's exactly it clap, I desperately want to go but its such a massive change, I don't think either choice is really the right one! How did you and your dp cope with your situation?

I speak the language, so communication is not an issue. However I won't know anyone so will still be isolated. We've both moved around a bit but never this far from home! Dp is finding the move difficult too. What a situation.

OP posts:
onedev · 24/10/2014 00:10

No way would I go in the situation you describe. You'd be giving up so much & for what really? A romantic notion that could also leave you isolated & unhappy, never kind dependent & worse off financially in the long run. I appreciate that you say he may never get a job closer to home, but equally surely it must be a possibility or what was he doing before he took this job?

Good luck Op as I appreciate it's hard however I'd give it another few months to see if things get any better & if he can get into a routine of being home more often.

OneSkinnyChip · 24/10/2014 00:14

Can you take a sabbatical from work? Or a career break? That way your job could be held open for a set period (a year or two) to give you time to try living away.

Shelby2010 · 24/10/2014 00:25

How about getting your DP to look into whether there are any jobs available in your profession near to where he is working? Also he could investigate the childcare options available. I think being a SAHM in a different country would be very difficult if you are used to working & having a good support network.

Personally I don't think you should give up your career if neither of you particularly want to live in the new country. Sod's law says your DP will find a new job back home just after you've given up yours.

Also on a more pragmatic note, if you are not married, how vulnerable will you be if you split up after moving? Also if you wanted to go back home could he then prevent you taking your DD out of the country? These are obviously worst case scenarios but should be considered.

dreamingbohemian · 24/10/2014 00:26

As an expat myself, I don't think you should go. It sounds like there are a number of things keeping you here, and the only thing that would be bringing you abroad is DH's job -- but he could work where you are now possibly, he's not super wedded to his current country. So if something has to give, I would say it's his job.

Okay he loves his job -- but you love your job too and have worked hard at it.

If you do go, DO NOT just settle for being SAHM. I promise you, it may be nice for a month or so but then it will be so isolating and you will get really resentful. I would practically say don't go unless you get a job lined up.

Being an expat can be hard even when you are really excited to do it and there are lots of advantages, it is not something to do halfheartedly.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 24/10/2014 00:54

I am I a similar position. I would jack it all in and go in a heart beat with the DC. But older DC have different dad. He will never agree to leave to remove. So we stay. DP works in a different continent half the year. I have to work 50 hrs a week to make up the money DP loses by not living abroad full time. I spend half my life lonely over burdened and ground down. So if you can go please do it!

theclockticksslowly · 24/10/2014 01:47

In the other country, what age do children start nursery/school? Could you perhaps initially take time to settle in and meet friends through playgroups etc then when she's at nursery/school look to get a job? Is there lots of opportunities for your line of work there?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 24/10/2014 16:22

go but cover things at home so a return would be fairly easy, give it a go, look for work, give yourself 6 months then reveiw.

GreenPetal94 · 24/10/2014 17:15

I'd ask for a six month unpaid leave from work, rent out your current property and go. 3 years old is such a great age to travel as she is not in school.

Then in month 5 think whether you are happier.

GreenPetal94 · 24/10/2014 17:15

Oh and I did recently take a six week break and my colleague took a six month one to travel, so it is often possible and there is no harm in asking.

Turquoisetamborine · 24/10/2014 18:13

I would move to be with him. My H works away but home every weekend and that's bad enough. The relentless organisation of domesticity is all down to me and I'm tired of it.

Also, when I lived abroad I didn't see one long distance marriage survive. Too many lonely nights and available women.

dreamerdoer · 24/10/2014 18:35

The SAHM thing is a problem, I think.

It's one thing to move to a new country and a new job , but quite another being a SAHM, it will be so much harder to meet people and make friends/contacts, which will make missing home etc. worse. Your partner is only one person, and he will be meeting people through work etc.

Plus, if you haven't done the SAHM thing before, it can really affect the way you feel about yourself and your relationship. (Not saying its all a bad thing, just not something to leap into without realising there are repercussions).

If you do this will you be able to get back into work in the future reasonably easily or will you be shooting yourself in the foot?

Does he definitely want to come back to the UK at some point? How will you feel if you jack in your job and he gets a great opportunity in the UK a year later? How will you feel if once you are out there he never wants to come back because there's no reason now?

Don't feel you have to rush this. I know you miss him, it must be horribly hard, but this is a decision you have to make with eyes firmly on what both of you want in the long term?

MrsPiggie · 24/10/2014 18:41

If you don't want to be a SAHM, you don't have to be a SAHM. Childcare can be arranged in the same way it is arranged everywhere (we haven't got any support network and manage just fine, so do most of our friends). Investigate a bit how easy it is to get a job over there and go for it. Living apart from partner suits some people, it's obviously not right for you.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 24/10/2014 19:23

I totally agree with those suggesting a sabbatical from work rather than giving up your job.

If it were me, I'd do it. But my situation is different to yours. I am different to you - am a SAHP, don't have a career, am not used to working, would very much want to me near to DP, would quite fancy experiencing a different culture.

My point is that what is good for me (or anyone else) wouldn't necessarily be good for you. If you have a job you enjoy and are used to working, it's going to be a big adjustment to being a SAHP in a new country with no support network. If you are quite career-focused, how would a few years out potentially affect your career? I can totally see that it's very hard to be away from your DH, both for you and for your child. How do you see the future? Would you be happy to be a SAHP and take a career break? Do you want more children? Do you fancy a foreign adventure? Do you need the familiar around you and a support network, or are you an adventurous spirit who likes to strike out and experience new things?

So many questions... that only you can answer! Wink

Original poster
rockpaperscissorsstone · 24/10/2014 23:44

Thanks everyone for your replies... The idea of a sabbatical is a good one, and I'll definitely look into that. Its very easy to forget that lots of people do the working away thing, and manage it successfully, especially when you're an emotional wreck! All my friends and family have relatively conventional work/relationship arrangements so I feel that they don't really understand why I'm finding this such a difficult decision to make. I think I'll do the pro and cons list on the next day when I'm feeling rational. Hopefully that'll be soon! ??

OP posts:
thewrongmans · 25/10/2014 03:07

I lived your life, then moved to be with him and his job. BIGGEST mistake of my life Sad

thegreylady · 25/10/2014 08:44

Remember a job is only a job unless it is a vocation whereas your family is your life and it sounds as though, without your dp it is a half life. Would you be equally miserable without your job? I'd give it a go and maybe look for work over there when your dc is old enough for school/kindergarten.

maddening · 25/10/2014 09:17

Both of you should seek work where the other one is - if you get a job where he is then go as it is the job you are staying for, and same for him. If language is reatrictive for you it won 'to hurt to start an online course - you could also what the TV in that language online. Eventually if you aim towards each other one of you will get the job!

Iggi999 · 25/10/2014 10:40

A good job with career prospects deserves careful consideration before giving it up - no one likes to think that their marriage could ever end but the relationships boards on here demonstrate how often this does happen! So being in another country, with no job and no dh is one of the possible outcomes. Would your dh continue to look for work back home if you move out? I'm suspecting not.

flowery · 25/10/2014 10:49

No way would I give up a hard-fought career, home and move to another country without being married

ImperialBlether · 25/10/2014 10:50

OP, I would go in a heartbeat, but I wouldn't give up my job and my independence unless I was married.

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