help! dilemma!

[rockpaperscissorsstone]

My dp works away from home. He earns a good wage in a job he loves but its is a different country (a few hours travel away). I chose to stay living in the same town when he took this job as I have a good job with career prospects, and we have a 3 yo dd who we thought may need stability.
I didn't realise how hard this would be and I am not coping well with this.

So, aibu to pack it all in and move to the other country and have to start again? Or should I be sticking it out here? I need opinions because I'm exhausted weighing this up in my mind.

If you are not married I would not move, you are too vulnerable . I think your partner should be the flexible one . A strong support network is worth so much when you have children. Is his job really more important than everything else?

I moved for my DP and initially it was a novelty but the reality of being home alone without a network soon kicked it.It has taken years to rebuild and I felt resentment for those lost years.

Only go if you know the move will enhance your personal prospects and be totally selfish about it.The reality is that your DP is taking that approach..his career and job prospects are ahead of his family.

Don't give up your career for his. Just don't do it.

You say he works in a specialized area and can't get work near you, but you are talking about giving up your career. So it is irrelevant that he can't find a job in his area of expertise near you. You are looking at the same choices for both of you. Has he ever even hinted that you being a family is more important than his career? In many ways he decided to prioritize his career over living with his family when he took the job, he could have become a SAHP and supported your career. It sounds you are exhausted by picking up the extra work this has created - is his life as tiring? I think what you need is for his life to be a little less easy where he is so you can have the money to buy in more support at home and stop being exhausted.

I echo Newstart here, if you're not married it would be incredibly foolish to give up a job and career in favour of your partners.

He can walk away from you at anytime with zero financial obligation to support you; why would you put yourself in that vulnerable position?

You should also know that if, worst case scenario, the two of you were to split up after you have established residency there with your DC, you could be stuck in that country unwillingly until your child is 18.

This is the life of a good friend of mine in France, she split with her partner after their DS was born, now she has to stay there with her DS until he's 18. She has really struggled for work and survives on benefits, it's a tough life.

Dreaming, was your friend's partner French?

Why should you and your dc give up / change everything just to suit him and his job. He's got a family and responsibilities now. He needs to make some changes and the obvious one is the location of his job. He might not be able to get his perfect job which pays as well in your area but I bet he can get some sort of work. I would never give up everything just for a man, especially if your not married.

If you said to him "DP, this isnt working,I need you to look for work at home" what would he say?

Dp hasn't prioritised work over his family...we were in an impossible situation where the job came up and it meant the difference between being able to pay the mortgage and not. It was a joint agreement but I think I was so relieved to be one financially secure that I really hadn't considered the implications. If he didn't take the job, we would have been sinking into debt right now. Unfortunately my wages are modest at best, and certainly nt enough to maintain our bills alone. Dp is well paid now hiwever and we could afford to lose my wage. Now that reality has kicked in, we've just swapped one problem for another... Money worries for working away stress. Does anyone remember when life was straight forwards?

No, I wouldn't go. if he's only working there to afford your home here it seems a bit daft to not live here. If when something needed to change you didn't all move together, then a few months later is too soon to panic move after him imo. I'd re-evaluate in a year if he couldn't find a job that allowed him to come home at least very weekend, but new country, 100% dependent, giving up career etc - it's not a winner.

Choosing a career with limited opportunities is choosing one that is not really compatible with family. I don't mean to say he was just swanning around thinking "oh yes I'll do this - sod the family", but actively taking the burden of fitting work life around your family (partner as well as children) is a part of prioritising family. And choosing a career that isn't portable or close to the things others in your family need, is putting that career ahead of family.

Equally though, a career that can't support a family is a problem too. So if the issue of not being able to afford to live on just your wage was a matter of your career being too poorly paid to support a family rather than it just not being well paid enough for the lifestyle you had with two wages, then that's a problem too.

That sounds very negative about the choices you both made and I don't mean it too. I'm just trying to point out that the careers we choose, not simply the employer we go to work for, or whether we work or are a sahp, are a part of the whole prioritising thing. Taking a job with little flexibility means anyone you want to spend your life with will have to bend to that job if you stay in it - i.e. that job is the priority. There are quite a few careers that put pressure on a person's family to adapt to the job's demands - armed forces and emergency services for instance can make demands that mean a partner must move or pick up any childcare responsibilities at short notice. These jobs also have high divorce rates. A job that won't let you give as much as you need to take is problematic if you also want a family. Sometimes everything falls into place and it's not a hardship for anyone, so the disparity isn't noticed. But when it creates tension, it's important to remember it's just one of many possible careers.

Of course you need to be flexible and make compromises. But, not only are you talking about giving up your career (which has vast implications for your financial capacity, especially down the line), but also your support network (which is of far more importance because of your childcare role). In return you get less of the stress you've taken on with living apart. He gets less of the stress, but his compromise is?