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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to mind what my neighbour just said to me

100 replies

lisson · 23/10/2014 15:36

She just called it "racism" that my Y6 child will get into the better local (faith) school whereas her son won't. Her son will most likely go to the good (but not outstanding) local non-denomination comprehensive.

We are both white British (so same race afaik) but I go to a catholic church with my children sometimes and she's either CofE or nothing (I'm not sure and I don't care). The best local secondary is catholic and its heavily over subscribed.

I already knew it was a touchy subject with her (because she lectured me about it a long time ago and didn't speak to me for six months), so i always avoid talking to her about it. However, she saw me this morning and brought the subject up. Alarm bells started ringing in my head but she wouldn't let it go until she'd told me what she thought of the "racism".

I think she left quite annoyed because I pointed out that her son currently goes to a CofE primary and it gives preference in its admissions to CofE church attendees.

I get it that she'd like to send her son to the better school, but if she cares that much, then she has had several years to either convert (many do) or move somewhere that she likes the school choices better. I've certainly had to jump through hoops to get into this school, which is heavily subsidised by the diocese. I thought it best not to say that though!

Generally, she comes across as sane and well-balanced but on this subject she's very wrong to have a go at me about it.

OP posts:
MehsMum · 23/10/2014 15:40

YANBU. It's not racism.

You can either have it out with her, or give her a wide berth.

travelswithtea · 23/10/2014 15:44

I'd just point out that racism isn't what she thinks it is. Maybe buy her a dictionary.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/10/2014 15:48

Well, she's wrong calling it racism. Because technically it's not. But she's correct that it's grossly unfair that state schools, for which we all pay taxes, are allowed to discriminate on who they let in depending in which deity they happen to believe (or pretend to believe) is the correct one. It's particularly galling if you're an atheist and therefore don't stand a chance of getting your children into any faith school.

It's a rotten system where children are barred from their local and nearest school, it's akin to racism and I don't blame your neighbour for being very angry indeed.

However, her anger is misplaced as it's not your fault the system is the way it is, and she can't blame you for taking advantage of it - we all do what is best for our children.

WorraLiberty · 23/10/2014 15:49

Yes, buy her a dictionary and also point out that an 'outstanding' school doesn't necessarily mean her child will thrive or be happy there.

There are no guarantees.

WorraLiberty · 23/10/2014 15:50

Sorry, that any child will thrive or be happy there.

CrazyOldBagLady · 23/10/2014 15:51

It's not racism but it is discrimination. She is wrong to take it out on you however, its the system that is to blame. You shouldn't have to convert or jump through hoops to get your children into the local school

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2014 15:53

Not racism. And the allocation of school places is not your fault so YANBU that she's taking it out on you. But the system is totally crap and unfair and I don't blame her for being totally pissed off about it. Personally I'd rather HE then send a child of mine to a faith school but I don't support descrimination by faith any more than by race.

MrsTerrorPratchett · 23/10/2014 15:53

It is not racism. It is discrimination on the grounds of religion, which is still reprehensible and disgusting.

Sirzy · 23/10/2014 15:54

As others have said it isn't racism but it does highlight the problem with the current system whereby the standard of education can come down to what your parents believe (or are willing to pretend to believe)

squoosh · 23/10/2014 15:56

Not racist.
Is unfair though.

The superior Catholic school is funded by the taxes of people of many denominations.

Aherdofmims · 23/10/2014 15:57

Definitely not racism. She could argue it is not fair but that's all.

also no point in her having a go at you about it as you are not in charge of schools.

Give her a wide berth.

Also worra is right - ofsted ratings aren't the be all and end all.

Theherbofdeath · 23/10/2014 15:59

It's religious discrimination. I don't blame her being annoyed.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 23/10/2014 15:59

So she has taken advantage of the religion aspect to get her dc into primary but she is pissed off at others doing it for secondary?

I'm surprised you kept a straight face with that and the 'racism' thing Grin

Idontseeanysontarans · 23/10/2014 16:02

Unless you are secretly the person who made the rule in the first place she needs to wind her neck in and concentrate in supporting her child through whatever school he goes to.
Pass her the details of the person to complain to at the LA and then avoid her like the plague!

PercyHorse · 23/10/2014 16:06

Grin at using a C of E primary and then moaning about not getting into an RC secondary.

WooWooOwl · 23/10/2014 16:11

The woman is plainly wrong, it's not racism.

Personally, I don't have a problem with faith schools, but I do have a problem with the fact that so many people can't get a good school place for their children, and it can see why your neighbour is angry with the situation.

Complaining at you isn't going to help her though, so it is weird that she feels the need to push her views on you.

lisson · 23/10/2014 16:13

The local school is the good one that she is going to send her son to. Its a 5-10 minute walk from our houses.

The outstanding faith school, that i hope to send my son to, is a couple of miles away.

My other son is already at the school but has plenty of friends at the local school. My son is doing extremely well, but so are some of the children who go tot he local schools i.e. same grades at the end of last year.

I didn't tell her this though as I was trying to back away and anyway, she wasn't in a mood to listen.

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 23/10/2014 16:14

Meh, outstanding schools are often just good at meeting criteria, it doesn't make them good schools or the best fit for your child.

I'd rather my child not be in any sort of religious school to be honest. Outstanding or otherwise.

SistersOfHearsey · 23/10/2014 16:14

Catholic schools aint all they are cracked up to be anyway. I'm Catholic (no belief whatsoever personally) and I took the choice to have both my children baptised Catholic because out of the 2 local schools the Catholic one was much better.
DS sailed through with no issues but opted to go to a standard high school as he'd 'had enough of religion' in his words. By the time DD got there the head had changed, the place was a mess and I took her out after 18 months and placed her in a C of E a few miles away where she blossomed.

Racism though? Grin

KirjavaTheCorpse · 23/10/2014 16:15

It's unfair, but isn't your fault and it certainly isn't racism.

This whole thing where parents cozy up to and schmooze their local church, 'jump through hoops' and generally abandon their principles (honesty etc) for a school place seems at best cutthroat, pitting parents against eachother, and at worst seedy - the lengths parents go to is shocking from what I've read on MN over the years.

I don't share your neighbour's sentiments personally, I don't believe in God and wouldn't lie to get my son a place at a naice school. But then I've learned over the past few days that there's no getting away from religion whichever school you send your children to so what difference that makes I don't know Angry

CaptainAnkles · 23/10/2014 16:18

It would be fairer if all schools gave priority according to distance instead of whether their parents are willing to go to church for a while to get them in. I find it ridiculous that someone who lives three miles away and goes to church has more right to go to a school than someone who doesn't have a faith but lives next door to the school Confused
But my DC went to their primary catchment school and now DS is at the catchment secondary so it wasn't an issue for us anyway.

CaptainAnkles · 23/10/2014 16:18

Oh, and she's daft to call it racism.

SteeleyeSpanx · 23/10/2014 16:18

Its an outrage that discrimination on the grounds of faith is proscribed in the Equalities Act in pretty much every scenario, yet situations like this are allowed to exist.

Don't even get me started on the fact that the taxpayer has to fund it.

All schools (publicly funded or not) should adhere to the principles of the Equalities Act. What kind of example are we showing DCs at such a young age?

SteeleyeSpanx · 23/10/2014 16:19

Sorry, to answer the question, no it's not racism, but it is discrimination on the grounds of religious belief which is equally illegal. Except in schools.

lisson · 23/10/2014 16:23

If there were no such thing as faith schools and it was done on distance, then both our sons would be going to the local school, not the outstanding one.

i.e., she'd be in the same position she is now but would she feel better because I was in it too? It seems that she would.

OP posts: