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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move out with my DS or am I being too sensitive?

61 replies

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 13:42

Hello all, I am considering moving in with my parents for a few days to get some distance between myself and my husband. The straw broke the camels back yesterday but it does seem a menial excuse for wanting to go so I wanted to ask am I being unreasonable?

So DH has been stressed for the last few days, he just generally seems to not enjoy family life. He gets very frustrated very quickly and does not enjoy the toys and if anything is not in it's place. He has also been a bit stressed lately about work. He just seems a draining presence to be around, it is making me miserable and DS is picking up on these mood swings too.

He has plenty of free time to see friends, go to gym, has hobbies so it isn't like he is deprived of having time to himself. He has more time out than I do.

I will give you a snapshot of the last few days:

I spilt some hot tea on my lap and DH tutted. I said I would expect more sympathy than that and he told me to piss off.

I made dinner and we were going to sit down to eat. There was a small pile of books on the table and some toys neatly lined up in the sitting room. DH was in a rage at the 'mess' and took his plate to eat in the bedroom. He said he 'couldn't even live in his own house'. He then shouted at DS who cried, and asked, 'why is daddy not happy, why is he shouting at me, I'm a kind boy?' DS, aged 3 then urged me to shout back at DH. Of course, I told him his moods were unacceptable and was met with silence. Then DS went to see DH in sitting room and I followed him in moments later and they were having a cuddle. DH glared at me. DS said, it's ok, daddy is in a nice mood now mummy.

I just thought that was really sad that my son is now aware and tiptoeing. I'm so angry, and numb I don't even care to shout as I'm so used to these outbursts.

Aibu to move in with my parents for a few days?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2014 13:46

I take it 'these outbursts' have been going on sometime? If so, getting some distance seems sensible.

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 13:47

I'm not sure. I'm married to someone who is bipolar, this sounds similar to the start of an episode in our home.

However, it can also sound similar to that of a man having an affair.

Equally, similar to that of a man who is simply overtired and overstressed.

Depends on how long it has been going on really... ?

winkywinkola · 23/10/2014 13:48

I would ask him to leave. He's the problem. Why should you leave? I think your leaving is dangerous.

lumpyparcel · 23/10/2014 13:48

YANBU. He sounds like he's being a bit childish over nothing. Probably me being biased but I can not abide men who can't cope with their own children and their toys in the house. Stomping off to his room infront of your DS is not on.

Take a few days away before things get really heated and you end up in a blazing row!

pippistrelle · 23/10/2014 13:50

A bit of a break might not be a bad idea in these circumstances. But you need to talk to him before you go, tell him what you're doing and why. You both have some thinking space and agree that you'll have a serious talk about how to resolve this on your return.

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 13:51

I dunno, that's a dangerous stance to take unless OP considers if she really wants him gone for good I think winkywinkola?

I don't know many men who's ego copes well with being asked to leave to just return after a short period of time and act like everything is ok from there.

I don't think the OP leaving will shock him into behaving better either. Ultimatums rarely do, regardless of how they are layed out.

But her going to stay somewhere for a few days, isn't quite the same as anyone "leaving"

HairyMagratsScare · 23/10/2014 13:52

yanbu & this sounds so shit OP! poor you & poor DS.

Don't move to your parents because then he will expect you both to move out if/when you split up. Out of interest is the house jointly yours? Has his attitude been around for a while or is it new?

I think you have a few options to consider:

Ask him to move out temporarily instead of you going to your mums.
Have a frank & honest talk tonight (don't be afraid of his reactions) & tell him his fucking attitude is unacceptable.
You can go to your mums if you want, (I'm just thinking it establishes in his mind that he has the 'right' to remain in the house & if you're not happy you're the one who has to leave iyswim)

But firstly you need to work out if you want the relationship to work or if you think its at an end.

Also google emotional abuse & see if it resonates.

So sorry OP, its shit when this happens but there's plenty of us who have come out the other side & are happier for it :) :)

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 13:54

Yes it has been going on for a while. He was right as rain with me this morning! I start to dread going home after work. Had numerous conversations with him about his behaviour, but my voice isn't heard.

It is his house, everything is his so it would be me moving out.

OP posts:

aprilanne · 23/10/2014 13:58

this sounds very like stress .my hubby is bi polar .so to me thats just life but if you are not used to it .it can be distressing .my sons are now young men .and they now take there fathers mood/ hospital addmissions in there stride .usually they say mum is dad going nuts again .maybe not the most positive attitude but it helps us .

KirjavaTheCorpse · 23/10/2014 13:58

Yanbu. Whatever it is - this issue your husband is having - he's not attempting to resolve it either by talking it through with you or sorting himself out.

He's tired and stressed but there's no excuse for taking it out on his children. Move out for a week or two to give him space to reflect on what an arse he's being, and to 'live in his own house', as he put it.

Or ask him to leave. But in your shoes I'd probably just go.

TwinkleDust · 23/10/2014 13:59

It is the marital home, not 'his'.

appleharvest · 23/10/2014 13:59

I think telling you to piss off is horrible! I'm not sure about the rest - it sounds like your DS is exacerbating the situation a bit.

CinnabarRed · 23/10/2014 14:01

It is his house, everything is his so it would be me moving out.

You're married, yes? Then it's not his house, it's the family house and you have rights.

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 14:02

I have signed a pre nup.

OP posts:

BaffledSomeMore · 23/10/2014 14:03

You say everything is his. Is that assets that were owned outright before you married? Seems a slightly weary turn of phrase :(

Does sound like he's checked out of the family.

Roseformeplease · 23/10/2014 14:05

It is my understanding that a pre nup is invalidated bt the presence of a child. I would get rid of him and sit tight.

43percentburnt · 23/10/2014 14:07

Did you sign in front of an independent solicitor? When did you sign the pre nup? Are you in the uk? (I'm not a solicitor btw), but reading previous threads people have said pre nups are not always enforceable. You need legal advice.

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2014 14:08

If the house is in his name only then she cannot make him leave, although she may be entitled to a share of it upon divorce. But one step at a time. Go to your parents for a few days and think things through.

Goawayquickly · 23/10/2014 14:09

You have a child with him, you have rights.
I am in exactly the same boat as you regarding the moodiness, my partner behaves like a dick over and over, I think he has crossed a line he cant come back from and I am making my exit plan for a happy new year, I have taken to much crap now and suspect you will end up feeling the same. why do these men spit the dummy over the slightest thing?
Don't they see that one day they will be all alone with the kids making the odd duty visit?

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 14:11

I agree, think things through OP.

Do you still love him? Do you still want to make things work? If you do, then try the sympathy approach (for a very brief period of time, I'm not saying you deserve to live your life like this - just purely to see if it helps)

If the marriage is dead in the water and you're just figuring out if it's worth going over this or you should wait for something bigger to leave over (perhaps therefore entitling you to a better deal in the long run) then I'd wait for something bigger....

ithoughtofitfirst · 23/10/2014 14:15

This really sounds like my friend's husband. They have times where he goes to stay with his dad for a bit and then things are better for a while. He's alright most if the time but gets days where he is very unreasonable from what i can gather in a similar way: complaining about mess, noise, food, chores.

Aherdofmims · 23/10/2014 14:17

Your poor ds. "I am a kind boy".

I think time out is a good plan.

Pooka · 23/10/2014 14:22

Time out and opportunity to approach a solicitor for advice about the prenup.

I'm guessing it was signed before you had dc?

Balanced12 · 23/10/2014 14:30

Does DH understand the effect he is having/will have upon DS?

Can you talk somewhere away from home, ask your mum to have DS and have some 'Quality time' then make a decision from there?

Hissy · 23/10/2014 14:40

Comes to something when even a 3yo knows that you have to stand up for yourself and you don't realise eh?

Get advice on that pre-nup, you have more rights than you think.
Your SON has more rights than your (vile) H intended too. Wipe the smile off his face.

You are in an abusive relationship. it will only ever get worse. the sooner you get out and get yourself free of him, the sooner you and your lovely boy will blossom.

if you stay, that lovely 'kind' boy will be lost, he'll grow up thinking what his dad does is how men are and he'll repeat it, first with you, then with the women in his life.

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