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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move out with my DS or am I being too sensitive?

61 replies

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 13:42

Hello all, I am considering moving in with my parents for a few days to get some distance between myself and my husband. The straw broke the camels back yesterday but it does seem a menial excuse for wanting to go so I wanted to ask am I being unreasonable?

So DH has been stressed for the last few days, he just generally seems to not enjoy family life. He gets very frustrated very quickly and does not enjoy the toys and if anything is not in it's place. He has also been a bit stressed lately about work. He just seems a draining presence to be around, it is making me miserable and DS is picking up on these mood swings too.

He has plenty of free time to see friends, go to gym, has hobbies so it isn't like he is deprived of having time to himself. He has more time out than I do.

I will give you a snapshot of the last few days:

I spilt some hot tea on my lap and DH tutted. I said I would expect more sympathy than that and he told me to piss off.

I made dinner and we were going to sit down to eat. There was a small pile of books on the table and some toys neatly lined up in the sitting room. DH was in a rage at the 'mess' and took his plate to eat in the bedroom. He said he 'couldn't even live in his own house'. He then shouted at DS who cried, and asked, 'why is daddy not happy, why is he shouting at me, I'm a kind boy?' DS, aged 3 then urged me to shout back at DH. Of course, I told him his moods were unacceptable and was met with silence. Then DS went to see DH in sitting room and I followed him in moments later and they were having a cuddle. DH glared at me. DS said, it's ok, daddy is in a nice mood now mummy.

I just thought that was really sad that my son is now aware and tiptoeing. I'm so angry, and numb I don't even care to shout as I'm so used to these outbursts.

Aibu to move in with my parents for a few days?

OP posts:

whiteblankpage · 23/10/2014 15:23

I really feel for you, and especially for your DS. Is your husband aware of how damaging his behaviour will be on his son? And I hate to say it, but behaviour like that often breeds behaviour - tiptoeing around a husband is bad enough, you don't want to be tiptoeing around your son in later years.

My FIL treats my MIL like this, and it has taken me 3 years to make my DH realise it isn't normal/nice/loving. And if he isn't careful, he slips up when talking to his mum and I can hear his dad through him. Awful. She tiptoes round the pair of them, I wish every now and again she'd just bollock them both - 'I do not deserve to be spoken to like that/ I deserve more respect/ don't be so rude'.

Do whatever you need to do, but a break and rest with your parents sounds ideal, if only to get your head straight and get a breather.

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 16:12

Thank you all for your replies. I think I will us a little holiday from each other. I just feel so down and am all the time hopeful that DH will be in a good mood. I'm sure this is not right.

OP posts:

Hissy · 23/10/2014 16:17

it definitely isn't right love.

your happiness should never hinge on the mood of another.

Please take a step back and look at what your DS is in the middle of.

please get advice on the validity of that prenup, you need to know what the truth of the situation would be if you did split.

i can't tell you how much better it is without a man like this in your life. My life is transformed and I'm over 45... you have so much life to live yet and you can't spend it like this...

that said, he'll get worse so 'this' now is as GOOD as it will ever be.

championnibbler · 23/10/2014 16:19

Sounds like your DH wants out of his marriage. I would move out and begin proceedings for divorce.

Hatespiders · 23/10/2014 19:01

About this prenup. Do you mean you were actually asked to sign some kind of document agreeing that everything (house etc) was and would remain totally his and his alone? Sounds a strange basis for a loving marriage.

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 19:25

Yes, it is money for potential future medical costs

OP posts:

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 20:06

Ok so we have progress, I have had a massive go at DH and he was quivering after I finished with him. Told him I arranged to go to my parents and he was shocked and begged me not to go. I said I would not be sitting in a relationship like this for the next 50 years and would have no fear over leaving. Told him everything how I felt and he admitted he has been out of order, apologised and swore to make it up to me. I said the proof will be in his actions as a family man and I do not want flowers. Thanks all or your responses. I will keep you updated.

OP posts:

MrsTerrorPratchett · 23/10/2014 20:14

I think the pre-nup has given him a nasty amount of power in your relationship. Some men would want this and use it and some wouldn't. If everything is his, I assume you can save all your money so that you can buy something later.

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 20:20

MrsTerry-no I put all my money into our joint account. Yes you are right about the power thing. Only because I am letting him though. When we just had words I said I get nothing from the relationship. Yes, I live in a nice house but it means nothing without love and kindness. I hope here I put the power struggle right as it means nothing to me so actually he is vulnerable.

OP posts:

Weathergames · 23/10/2014 20:23

Seriously - I cannot believe from your OP that posters are telling you to get a divorce and that he's abusive!!

It's a possibility yes but he may be tired/stressed and need to talk to someone about his problems or have some help with your relationship - with a professional.

A break might be a good idea as you will both have space to think.

If you go to your mums and leave him there he may realise what he risks losing by being a grumpy arse.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/10/2014 20:28

I think telling you to piss off is horrible! I'm not sure about the rest - it sounds like your DS is exacerbating the situation a bit

He is 3 years old, what a stupid thing to say.

DixieNormas · 23/10/2014 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerrorPratchett · 23/10/2014 21:08

If I were you, I'd have a complete re-haul of your finances. For him to have a hold on all the assets and for you to give all your money to the joint venture of your marriage is unfair. You don't have any opportunity to build assets either alone or with him. I wouldn't stay in a marriage where all the assets, power and control were in one place. Sorry, the pre-nup does make this look premeditated.

whois · 23/10/2014 21:18

If the books were bothering him, he should have tidied them away before dinner.

Based on what you say, he sounds v difficult to live with. A break from each other might help, but equally might just defer having to deal with it head on.

clam · 23/10/2014 21:45

Have you posted about him before? The bit about his assets being for possible future medical needs is ringing a bell.

Allhallowspeeve · 23/10/2014 21:54

I cannot believe a poster is accusing a three year old for making his dad's shitty behaviour worse.

He may have mental health problems he may not. Even if he has it doesn't mean you have to sit back while he acts like a dick.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/10/2014 21:57

" I put all my money into our joint account."
I think you need to have a rethink about that. Personally I am a big believer in joint accounts, but that's because I take it for granted that EVERYTHING is joint. But that's not the case here. Since "everything is his" and he has attempted to ring-fence that through a pre-nup, then I feel that in this case putting ALL your money into joint funds is not appropriate.

In a truly-joint set-up, jointly-held assets that both partners were financing (through e.g. mortgage) would appreciate over time, benefitting both partners. If all your income goes into a joint account but only he benefits from the assets then you are effectively subsidising him. You need to be putting a portion of your income away to eventually provide you with some financial security.

I feel for your poor DS. A three-year-old should not be coming out with things like "why is daddy not happy, why is he shouting at me, I'm a kind boy" or "it's ok, daddy is in a nice mood now mummy."

MexicanSpringtime · 23/10/2014 22:49

Yes, another one thinking you should look at your finances, OP. You are welcome to be as altruistic as you wish, but you have a responsability to your DS. I'm not LTB, only you know if the love is gone or it is not worth staying, but should you separate in the future, you will need money to set up a home for your DS

SuperWifeANDMum · 23/10/2014 23:10

Oh dear another example of a woman leaving herself open to financial abuse.

I actually don't think you will take any advice from this thread.

Your husband has the upper hand.

You have no separate money.

You have signed a pre nup that presumably leaves you without anything.

Yet you think by your husband apologising that makes it ok? What a joke.

Take heed of the advice here.

SEE A SOLICITOR ASAP REGARDING YOUR PRE NUP.

PUT YOUR MONEY INTO YOUR OWN SEPARATE BANK ACCOUNT.

As a side note I have signed a pre nup however it is extremely generous and I certainly would not have married by husband if it wasn't. What kind of man leaves the mother of their child without a home?

Chippednailvarnish · 23/10/2014 23:21

I'm not sure if you have name changed OP, but your story is ringing bells with me. Your DH has you exactly where he wants you. If you can't control your money, you can't control your life.

Shonajay · 24/10/2014 03:00

Isn't a pre nip only valid until you're married - any equity or finances are then shared.

Seems an odd thing to do does he have previous children/marriages go wrong? He sounds very controlling.

Original poster

Spoonme · 24/10/2014 06:48

No he has not had any previous relationship or marriage, he is just realistic that with the best will in the world, things can go wrong. The reason he wanted the agreement was because of the situation he came into the money. He will need care and operations when he gets older, that is why he got it.
The agreement does not leave me entitled to nothing, but I would feel morally wrong accepting any of it because it is put aside for his future medical expenses. I have listened to the advice on here about saving more of my own money, thank you.

OP posts:

Balaboosta · 24/10/2014 09:39

Seriously - I cannot believe from your OP that posters are telling you to get a divorce and that he's abusive!!

Sadly, too many of us have been there and can spot the red flags. Projection maybe - or else simply the benefit of hindsight.
Well done OP for realising that you're in a pickle and asking these questions. This stuff doesn't solve itself b

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 24/10/2014 09:45

Please ignore everything WeatherGames said and listen to the other posters especially Hissy and SuperWife. See a solicitor ASAP. Your poor DS

appleharvest · 24/10/2014 13:01

My DD is 3 in January and certainly knows not to say things like 'why are you shouting at me, I am a kind girl' it doesn't mean I'm accusing the 3 year old of being at fault but if my dd said that to her father I would probably say something like 'daddy isn't shouting at you but he would like you to put your toys away before his dinner.'

I would then tell DH in private not to raise his voice. But I wouldn't expect a toddler to be getting between the arguments in the way the OP described which is what I meant by excacerbating the situation.

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