In thinking this is beyond the usual name calling?

[ChameleonCircuit]

DD has just started secondary school. She is a sensitive type and gets upset easily, so I have been trying to be very "hands off" this year, just telling her she needs to ignore the minor stuff and report any bigger stuff herself. However, yesterday, a boy was being generally awful to her and ended up being given a detention because he wouldn't give up in class. After that, she says he said "fuck off, bitch" and "suck my dick". It worries me that if he's using that sort of terminology and attitude now, where does it go from here? Would I be unreasonable to contact school about it?

YANBU. Get in there and complain about sexual harrassment immediately! This is beyond name calling.

If he called her a racist name they'd stamp on it. As it is, they need to treat sexism in a similar fashion. A detention is not enough. He should be made to write an apology or perhaps apologise face to face and the HT needs to make it clear that language such as this is going to result in exclusion if he's caught doing it again.

Contact her form tutor initially and mention what happened. Sounds like they took it seriously. Unfortunately plenty of youngsters use this sort of language in normal speech, so she may need to ignore some of it. If its the same boy each time and he persistently does it, then form teacher will report to head of year etc. if needed.

I would encourage her to speak to her head of year or form tutor and let her know that I am fully behind her. If that doesn't work, I would step in.

I made DS2 sort a completely different problem out recently and his HOY was pleased that he had come to do it himself and was far more inclined to be supportive. DS was fully aware that I was behind him and would step in if required.

Yanbu.

When I was in primary school this nasty older boy repeatedly asked me if I spit or swallow, and made other rude remarks. That boy is now a grown adult with a long police record. It doesn't look good does it.

There is a big difference between swearing/crude language (now that makes me sound old) being generally bandied around and having them specifically targetted at you in order to intimidate and cause distress (as a pose to friends jokingly telling each other to fuck off ). I wouldn't tolerate for a second being spoken to like that at work, OP's daughter shouldn't have tolerate it at school. Actually, I think these things should be tolerated much less than they are generally, and certainly in schools.

OP start with the form tutor but make it clear that you expect it to stop. The school need to make it clear to this boy that it is entirely unacceptable to speak to people that way.

inthename what an UTTER CROCK OF SHIT. She does not "Have to ignore it" at all!!

Why the hell should she!? Because "plenty" use that language does NOT MAKE IT OK!

Thanks for the insult Clap, is there a reason to pick out odd words in a sentence to change the context?

Ask her if she wants to report it, or would rather you did. I would struggle telling a teacher some boy told me such crude things and would rather my Mum made it clear how perfectly hideous he was being.

It does go beyond normal name calling, but surely that is why he has been given detention? I'm not sure what else you expect to happen.

Bit aggressive in your posting there clap, no need to shout.

I agree with skylark, OP. But you clearly need to keep on top of the situation for your dd.

The verbal abuse the OP is thinking of reporting came after the detention was issued skylark. So he verbally abused her, was given detention for it, then verbally abused her some more (probably because he'd been given detention).

Oh yes, so he did. Hopefully that's the end of it and he's got the last word as far as he's concerned. I'd wait to make sure thats the end of it, rather than escalate it at this point.

Thanks for the advice, and the confirmation that IANBU. She texted from school this morning telling me she was upset because he had been giving her a hard time again this morning. I said she should ask her form teacher for help, but I wanted to check that I wouldn't be "the overprotective mother" if I emailed her FT to back her up.

I'll reiterate to her that she needs to not react to swearyboy, but speak to her form teacher, and that I will have her back if she needs me.

Just as an aside, I totally agree with the poster who said that they wouldn't put up with it at work, so why should it be any more acceptable because the perpetrator and victim are 11 years old?

Bowlers I am VERY passionate about girls not being subjected to sexual discrimination and verbal assault. I can shout all I want about it when I read posters with apologist attitudes. Sometimes you have to shout to get heard.

Name I did NOT insult you. I said your opinion was a crock of shit. And I didn't change any context. You said what I quoted. If you're happy to let boys tell girls to suck their dicks then off you trot. enjoy your...attitude.

I however am not. School...particularly secondary school is a part of preparing for adult life. Girls need to be taught that this is NOT something they need to put up with.

What next? Some old man saying rude things to her on the bus? Should she put up with that?

From Name: Unfortunately plenty of youngsters use this sort of language in normal speech, so she may need to ignore some of it.

Translated by clap: what an UTTER CROCK OF SHIT. She does not "Have to ignore it" at all!!

I'd agree with Name that the 2 are not the same at all!

Sorry Clap, you did not quote, you definitely translated!

Nomama But the INTENTION is the same.

"A boy called me a bitch and told me to suck his cock"

"Plenty of youngsters use this sort of language...you may need to ignore some of it."

What the fuck?

No. She does NOT need to ignore it. Not SOME of it or ANY of it.

No, I said she MAY need to put up with SOME of this TYPE of language and that mum should contact the form tutor. No, I don't think anyone should put up with this, I don't have an attitude (not always possible to get replies 100% right all the time is it?)

And I have no wish to derail the OP's thread, you are as entitled to have a very passionate opinion as I am to write a reply that may not sit well with you.

Er my lads would have been in huge bloody hot water with us if they had used such language to any girl!

Op it's great your dd is telling you about this. It's sexual harassment and totally unacceptable. Contact the school as it's still going on.

Alternatively do what we did and get your dh with, in our case much older dss to meet her from school, get her to point out the lad and just stare menacingly at him.

It worked well.

Hope you get it sorted. Most lads do not do this.

Clap, you're being unrealistic. Teenagers talk like this, whether you like it or not. It's not great, but they do. You must be exhausted if you've had a lifetime of picking people up on throw away comments whether at school or on a bus.

The op's dd is sensitive and gets upset easily. No one should put up with abusive comments whether girl or boy, from girls or boys, but there will be abusive comments from time to time. It's not possible that there won't be. The op knows her dd best and needs to deal with it in the best way which suits them as a family.

We are tryng to advise the op about the best way to go forward to help her dd. If this is a sustained attack it needs a different approach to a one off comment. IMO.

There's the approach in which you contact the school and make sure they are addressing this bullying properly. It sounds like giving only detention won't work. Education may be better, alongside punishments.

On the other hand, I do think she needs some support in dealing with this. Reporting it is good, of course, but she may also need to stand up to him as well.
He may have picked up on the fact that he does upset her so it might be useful to have adequate replies. She can reflect it on him, as in you do it yourself, or you wish, or even tell him that she pities him for having such low esteem that he feels the need to harass people and annoy them.

No I actually agree with clap - None of it should be ignored. This would not be allowed in a work place so why is it ok to ignore some of it in school?

Any abusive comments need dealing with, even if it is exhausting. Also bowler you slightly contradict yourself - you say no one should put up with it BUT there will be comments from time to time. Well... What do you do when there are comments?? Ignore and put up with it?

Children go to school to learn education not to learn how to STFU.

Bowlers they talk like this because people say "Oh that's normal to a degree" as though girls HAVE to put up with it!

It is not normal.

The minority indulge in it and it is not something which needs to be excused.

Boys and girls need to respect one another in all ways and that includes sexual harrassment and bullying.

Yes have to agree here. All if mine had the off swear word after dropping things/cross of course but to go up to another person and verbally abuse them in a sexual way is wrong any time.

I would expect school to absolutely stamp on this hard as if he thinks he can get away with it or it's normal he's in for one he of a shock in the adult world.

It's on a par with racist or disablist name calling or homophobic jibes and it's got to be stamped on and hard. For his sake too.

I coach sports and have a zero tolerance to this kind of behaviour in my classes within the school system. I have never ever seen it in my private after school clubs.

Tbf I normally see this in year nine but it is slowly creeping in. Music videos, games, internet all contribute to how boys and girls view each other and what is acceptable is awful.