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AIBU?

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Original poster

In thinking this is beyond the usual name calling?

59 replies

ChameleonCircuit · 23/10/2014 08:58

DD has just started secondary school. She is a sensitive type and gets upset easily, so I have been trying to be very "hands off" this year, just telling her she needs to ignore the minor stuff and report any bigger stuff herself. However, yesterday, a boy was being generally awful to her and ended up being given a detention because he wouldn't give up in class. After that, she says he said "fuck off, bitch" and "suck my dick". Shock It worries me that if he's using that sort of terminology and attitude now, where does it go from here? Would I be unreasonable to contact school about it?

OP posts:
Thebodynowchillingsothere · 23/10/2014 11:57

To Bowlersarm point about teens talking like this I see it as the inbetweeners. Of course amongst themselves some lads talk like this and brag but most then don't go up to girls and say suck my cock they just don't and I have known tons of teenage boys.

There is a difference.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 12:07

Porn and it's easy accessibility is partly to blame. Young men (and women) are seeing these films and it IS affecting how they view sex. Suck my cock is of course a common demand in a porn film...a boy with perhaps fewer social skills than his peers...or with a troubled background making him generally unhappy, could easily fall prey to the idea that this is acceptable talk.

It's not. Schools need to educate. Not all parents are able or even interested.

CeliaFate · 23/10/2014 12:09

Yanbu, I would report that too.
How on earth are boys and girls meant to learn what is appropriate when this language which is sexual harassment is played down as "banter" or "just how they talk".
It isn't mates having a laugh swearing at each other in jest.

This boy is trying to intimidate your dd.
Don't tolerate it and teach her not to tolerate it either.

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 12:14

I think it's a sad day when we decide that this is normal for a certain age group and just needs to be accepted for the way they speak.

Totally agree YANBU OP.

Only1scoop · 23/10/2014 12:21

Yanbu

Report the scum to the head.

angelos02 · 23/10/2014 12:21

YANBU. Imagine if someone said that to a colleague at work? It is incredibly offensive and should be dealt with severely.

Spanglemum · 23/10/2014 12:28

I agree with Clap and the others. Not acceptable. You need to talk to the school and get a stop put to this. If the boy really thinks this is an acceptable way to speak (?) then he needs to learn sooner rather than later that it's not. Have a look at the Everyday Sexism Project website.

Mrsstarlord · 23/10/2014 12:40

May be a good opportunity to teach her some good put downs for throw away comments like this because she doesn't have to put up with it.

Thinking along the lines of I'm fussy not desperate. When I was at school - many many years ago this is how we were supported to deal with it, take back the control and report it if we wanted to. Worked great for us, lads were not so keen though

LemonadeRayGun · 23/10/2014 12:42

I completely agree that this needs to be reported and is NEVER ok, and should never be ignored. Boys chatting amongst each other, trying to shock and outdo each other is one thing, but to aggressively approach a girl and use sexist, sexual language is absolutely not ok, and there is no way we should be teaching our daughters that it is Ok to be treated this way. Using aggressive sexual language and telling a girl to "suck my dick" as an act of aggression is all part of the rape culture that needs to be stamped out in its entirety.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 23/10/2014 12:45

Yes my point exactly lemonade totally agree.

And it's most definatly not the norm in my kids huge mixed comps.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 12:51

MrsStar comebacks are not taking control. They're part of accepting the problem. Nobody needs to come up with "good put downs" in the face of horrendous sexual discrimination or abuse.

CeliaFate · 23/10/2014 13:15

I would strongly advise against making any comebacks to this boy. He's aggressive, using sexual, sexist language to control your dd.
This needs to be reported through the correct channels.

Nomama · 23/10/2014 13:24

But there are 2 distinct points here.

  1. This specific boy needs to be dealt with by the school.
  1. In general it is vital that girls are taught how to deal with such behaviour. There will be times when reporting is essential. There will be other times when a girl has to be able to deal with it on her own. Outside the school environment a girl, growing into a woman, needs to be a strong independent individual who can deal with such idiots without waiting for someone to step in.

In the real world, as a grown up, that might include removing yourself from a situation, never being able to report it to anyone (lack of information) and being able to deal with that.

And that applies to any situation, not just sexist ones.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 13:45

No Nomama.

It is NOT vital that "girls are taught how to deal with such behaviour"

It IS vital that boys are taught NOT to indulge in it.

If we don't change what you see as "the real world" RIGHT from the earliest days of childhood then we will always have apologists putting the responsibility on girls who are victims in cases like this.

Lweji · 23/10/2014 13:48

I think it is vital that people are taught how to deal with abusive behaviour.
Because no matter how much we teach people not to abuse, there will always be abusers.

CeliaFate · 23/10/2014 13:56

I think there's difference between "dealing with" and "reporting".
"Deal with" infers it's incumbent on the victim to engage with the abuser.

More vital is that people are taught not to speak to people like this.

Nomama · 23/10/2014 18:37

Well, read my last post again - 'dealing with' can include walking away.

And iI will have to stop now, this is where anything I type is misinterpreted. And, equally, I misinterpret much of what I read.

Basically, I don't think a woman's safety should ever be reliant on any man having been taught to control his urges. That thought denigrates both man and woman.

ClapHands I am sorry, but your viewpoint irritates me as much as mine seems to irritate you. I am not apologising or victim blaming. Nor am I assuming that all little boys are beasts and all little girls are too pathetic to stand up for themselves. The truth is somewhere in the middle - both genders can be tyrannical and vulnerable.

Both genders should be taught what is acceptable behaviour. Both genders should be taught how to deal with aggressive behaviour - from avoiding, to walking away, speaking out, reporting, and a whole host of other strategies.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 18:44

But we're not talking about BOTH genders here. We are talking about a boy's behaviour towards the OP's DD. Therefore it's irrelevant to talk about both sexes.

Nomama · 23/10/2014 18:52

Really? That truly does not compute!

Neither of them exist in a vacuum.

KatieKaye · 23/10/2014 18:53

I'm totally horrified that an 11 or 12 year old boy is using such aggressive, sexist language in school.

OP - your DD is right to be shocked. And it's great that she is able to talk to you. Reporting is absolutely the right thing to do. Nobody, male or female has to put up with this kind of talk. It is vile and degrading.

I don't actually care if it's commonplace among some people to say things like "suck my dick" or to call women "bitches". I find it totally offensive. It's never acceptable to say things like that. If that makes me an old fuddy-duddy, then fine.

The actual language used puts this into a really serious category, IMO - it is definitely sexual harassment and probably bullying too. I hope the school takes it seriously.

tobysmum77 · 23/10/2014 18:58

that is horrendous, seriously. She needs to report it properly. The boy will be Shock that she wasn't too embarrassed and will be Blush when they get his mum in and repeat it. Please please please put a stop to this now.

tobysmum77 · 23/10/2014 18:58

honestly the other kids will really respect her for having the balls to report this.

Bowlersarm · 23/10/2014 19:02

I hope you are right toby for the ops dds sake. I don't think the scenario will necessarily play out as you think it will, unfortunately.

tobysmum77 · 23/10/2014 19:11

That's my experience working in secondary. This type of thing the boy usually thinks the girl (or female teacher) will be too embarrassed to do anything about it and that gives them power. Or are you suggesting the school won't deal with it and therefore that will be the issue?

Mrsstarlord · 23/10/2014 19:22

I couldn't disagree more clap. Having the ability to stand up for yourself in the face of such language is incredibly empowering, removing all power from the person who made the comment gives a personal sense of control as well as the knowledge that legally and morally you are right. Why should females rely on someone else to challenge behaviour like this? That perspective totally feeds the notion that we are helpless which is frankly bollocks.