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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish DH would shit at work?!

87 replies

CheerfulYank · 22/10/2014 01:00

I know I am. :o But I am v ill with "morning" sickness and I want to be angry.

DH gets home at 6. Children can't wait to see him, DD watches out the window for his car etc. I'm usually trying to sort dinner, do spelling words with DS, all the usual.

He pulls up. Dog goes mad barking. Kids clamor around him excitedly. He says hello to everyone...

...grabs the iPad, and walks to the bathroom to poo. For 15-20 minutes. So the kids are all wound up, DD hanging on the gate yelling "daddeeee! Dadeeee!" to him, DS pestering me to play Minecraft while I tell him no, and dad has the iPad anyway.

Arghh! Just take a nice leisurely crap at work, then come home! I'd rather he was 15 mintues later tbh.

To add more to my case, it is horrifically stinky. :o And he use to say "I have to go drop a deuce" which has somehow become "I need to go deduce the truth." I think I am NBU based on that alone actually.

OP posts:

angelos02 · 22/10/2014 10:10

His work colleagues would judge and talk about him if he dropped a steaming turd at work Eh? Really. Newsflash....everyone shits. Even Queenie!

vezzie · 22/10/2014 10:15

Hesterton, what makes you sad?

Greenrug85 · 22/10/2014 10:15

This Is the scene in my house at 5:30pm. Every. Single. Night.

Yadnbu.

Pisses me right off. My dp turns having a poo almost into an event.

whois · 22/10/2014 10:17

can you 'out poo' him? grab the ipad first and go for a long poo yourself lasting half an hour

Ha ha def try that!

FelixFelix · 22/10/2014 10:18

Yes same here. It irritates the shit out of me (no pun intended).

Dd knows when it's time for DP to get home and starts whinging from about an hour before. Then gets excited when he comes in but he buggers off upstairs for half an hour, so she whinges again. I swear if he didn't take his phone in with him it would all be done and dusted within 5 minutes

MindReader · 22/10/2014 10:29

I'd be tempted to say: SORRY NO IPAD IN LOO! v unhygienic!!!
and whisk it away from him.

that will keep kids happy whilst you finish off tea.

OR hand over smallest child and say: tea is on the stove but must catch the post office (or similar) and bolt for 15 mins. Then he will HAVE to manage. Ha!
Seriously, if his bowels move at that time of day he cant help it.
20 mins is long though so it sounds like he is using it for 'relaxing' too.

My H will 'announce it' too and then stand there, waiting for my reaction.
Does the same at bedtime (he goes earlier than me).

I now say: 'mmm' without looking up. Pisses him off no end

HalfTheSky · 22/10/2014 10:36

I don't get this "he needs time to transition into home" business. He's just had time in the car/on the train/on the bus, an opportunity to read/listen to music/be mindful should he desire. That is his time to transition.

I commute into London every day stood up crushed against everyone else in a packed commuter carriage and that time is the bookends to my working day and I make the best of it by having a good book. It would be lovely to sit and have a drink and play on the internet when I get home but there are things to do and children to feed and bathe.

CatWitch · 22/10/2014 10:38

YANBU. Wtf do they do in there that requires 30 mins of their time? I am in and out in under 3 mins, including hand washing and a quick wipe down of the sink!

I am a real Poo Bully as I stand outside the door and shove bills, school notices and various notes to my dh. He might as well be productive if he is going to be hanging out there.

Idontseeanysontarans · 22/10/2014 10:43

DH takes his phone into the loo with him and puts the (specially installed) radio on.
I phone, text and WhatsApp him regularly until he gets fed up of me and flushes
He only poos at work when everybody else has gone and he's working later.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 22/10/2014 10:46

Give him 5 mins and then let the kids bash on the door.

Or do as others have suggested and pop out to the shops as soon as he gets it.

Fair enough he needs to poo, but chilling out with the Iraq can wait until the jobs are done, for both of you.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 22/10/2014 10:46

Iraq? Ipad!

JCDenton · 22/10/2014 10:54

YABU, the right to a nice leisurely shite will have to be pried from my cold, dead hands

Weelass83 · 22/10/2014 11:02

Definitely get him to poo at work. Tell him if he's going to do it, he might as well get paid for doing it!

aurynne · 22/10/2014 11:06

This has been discussed before. Blokes enjoy having a poo because it rubs their prostate and gives them a vaguely sexual feeling. That's why they stay there for so long. In fact, they are quite surprised when they learn we women don't feel the same.

Give the man a rest :P

CatWitch · 22/10/2014 11:06

Btw, congratulations on your pregnancy! Sorry you are so ill, though

NoArmaniNoPunani · 22/10/2014 11:22

Eh? Really. Newsflash....everyone shits. Even Queenie!

So you're the smelly shitter at work that everyone talks about

Bunbaker · 22/10/2014 11:39

"YANBU. Wtf do they do in there that requires 30 mins of their time? I am in and out in under 3 mins, including hand washing and a quick wipe down of the sink!"

Not everyone has clockwork bowels, that's why. I would love to only take 3 minutes, but we aren't all like you. Please try and have bit of understanding.

Sorry, but I think most of you are being unreasonable. It isn't exactly relaxing at work.

CatWitch · 22/10/2014 11:57

Bunbaker, I'm so sorry, truly did not mean to offend. I know you have special circumstances.

UpduffedBatty · 22/10/2014 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckyGin · 22/10/2014 12:59

Set a timer when he goes in, inform him exactly how long he spent in there when he deigns to emerge, then lock yourself in a room of your choice for that precise amount of time - with or without the iPad - while he takes over chiddler duties. Fair's fair!

Stripylikeatiger · 22/10/2014 13:06

Yanbu. My dp does the same thing, I just send ds in to chat to him now. I don't understand the need to take so long on the toilet, if the poo takes more than 5 minutes to come out then it's not time to come out.

There was a day where dp spent 20 minutes shitting, ds was born after 15 minutes of pushing, that was the turning point I told him that if him pushing a shit out takes longer than me pushing a baby out then he needs to go to the dr because there must be something seriously wrong.

The lengthy toilet visits stopped. I suspect they were just an excuse to sit looking at his phone for 20 minutes.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 22/10/2014 13:11

Owl when does DH get to switch off?

MarmaladeShatkins · 22/10/2014 13:11

YANBU AT ALL.

DH disappears for up to AN HOUR for a shit. AN HOUR.

He promised to take DS to play football on Sunday but he spent so long in the bathroom that it went from being hot and sunny to torrential rail by the time he came out.

MillieMoodle · 22/10/2014 13:12

Bunbaker, I have IBS and when I need to go, I need to go straight away. We have one toilet in our house and if DH is sitting there having a poo for 20 minutes, the results could be disastrous! There have been times when he has had to cut his poo time short because I need to go urgently. Sometimes I am in there a while, but if my IBS is playing up the last thing I want to be doing is playing on an iPad. I would usually be clutching my stomach to try to ease the gripping cramps.
The OP seems to be referring to her DH's leisurely poos, as opposed to someone with an actual bowel problem. I am sure no-one here thinks it is unreasonable to spend a while in the toilet if you have an actual bowel issue.

vezzie · 22/10/2014 13:23

I read (among a whole truckload of nonsense) The Baby Whisperer when dd1 was newborn, which says that the WOHP must immediately take the baby when coming home and the other parent gets to go for a walk or a lie down or something for 20 minutes. I thought "but how is that going to happen? DP hasn't read the book and never will". The tendency is for the WOHP to feel that it is finally time to switch off, after a day out in the world fighting the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, perhaps finished by a hellacious rush hour commute.

I get home later than DP now and would never think "Ah home, time to relax" - what kind of an idiot getting home to small children at bath time would think that? However, this is part of the reason why I will not even consider living in a place where the commute is standing room only. I get a seat, every day, or don't even talk to me.

This makes me think that there may be a gap in the market for "post commute nanny". A very specialised (and expensive) times slot - could be very lucrative for a SAHM whose own dh gets home early enough. You would go round to the clients' house 15 minutes before the WOHP is due to arrive back, make tea / cocktails / whatever they like for the adults, and set them up in a space away from the children (on a small table in the bedroom if necessary). Then you officially take over, make a big entrance that gets the kids' full attention, play with them, make their tea, whatever they need to do and WOHP is instructed to enter the house quietly by a back entrance out of sight of the dcs. You spend the hour with the dcs while the two parents have a drink on their own with no one else and then they emerge and take the kids back, having had a chance to sit down and talk about anything they want or need to talk about. You fuck off home. What do you think you could charge for that one and a quarter hour?

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