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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ob/gyn suggested I watch porn.

73 replies

nnnnamechanger · 21/10/2014 01:08

Sorry in advance for oversharing. I've been stewing over this since the beginning of the year and need some perspective. I've namechanged as it's a bit embarrassing.

I have Lichen Sclerosus (a fairly rare, auto-immune, skin condition) on my vulva. It causes skin to tear and bruise easily. Labia gradually fuses together and the entrance to the vagina can seal over. eIt's also itchy and painful.

It's pretty grim and I don't recommend Googling it.

I was referred to an ob/gyn (male, prob early 50's) by my gp. There's no cure, the only treatment he would prescribe was steroid cream for the pain/itching, and monitor progress and any signs of cancer.

On my last appointmtment in Jan, Ob/gyn asked if I was managing ok re intercourse. So I admitted that I feel very self conscious about the state of my vulva, that my libido has nose dived and haven't been having sex. He advised re importance of continuing intercourse to keep the vagina open. I had no issues with this so far.

However he then said something along the lines of 'you want to stop vagina from sealing over as you might want to have sex further down the track, even if it isn't with your husband'. Then he suggested I try watching porn to get myself in the mood.

That was pretty much the end of the consultation.

So, AIBU to feel that his advice was innapropriate? I'm not prudish, and get that lots of people enjoy porn. But how is watching young, slim women with 'perfect' vaginas supposed to improve my confidence?

I'm supposed to have a check up every 6 months, but haven't been back to see him. I need to ask gp (female, but I don't like her much either) for referral else where. Do I bring this up, or am I just being oversensitive?

Again, I apologise for the intimate details. Thanks if you've managed to read to the end Smile

OP posts:
NormaStits · 21/10/2014 01:21

Completely inappropriate. I'd not only request a referral elsewhere but I'd report him. He is crass, insensitive and unprofessional. I would certainly highlight the emotional aspect of being told to look at other 'perfect' vulvas to somehow turn you on.

If you don't like your gp, is there another in the practice you could request to see instead?

WrappedInABlankie · 21/10/2014 01:31

Personally I wouldn't. I watch porn, no biggie. If it's not your thing then don't do it and just dismiss the comment. A lot of people men and woman watch porn

steff13 · 21/10/2014 01:37

I don't think it's really an inappropriate suggestion. Not all porn involves slim women, or "perfect vulvas," or even any vulvas at all.

nooka · 21/10/2014 01:44

I think it's inappropriate because I think that porn in general is a woman hating industry and that it is highly unprofessional to recommend it as some sort of therapy. I also think that whilst it might not be inappropriate to tell you that there is a risk of your vagina sealing over and what you can potentially do about it physically he had no cause at all to talk about what 'might get you in the mood' or suggest that you might want to have extra-martial sex. I think that you should make a compliant or at the very least tell your doctor why you don't want to see this particular consultant again.

So sorry to hear about your condition, it sounds really grim. Watching women pretend to enjoy sex really doesn't sound like it will help you at all.

nnnnamechanger · 21/10/2014 03:02

Thanks for your opinions.

I've watched porn in the past. I've watched it with my husband in the past. As I've learned more about the negative aspects of the industry over the years though, it's not something I really enjoy anymore. But each to their own.

I'd only had one previous appointment with the man (where he snipped off a bit of my labia for a biopsy), so discussing my sex life in such detail and sharing personal feelings about my body image issues took a lot of courage.

I felt like he just didn't get it. I accept though that my reaction is all tied up with my ishoos Grin.

Another gp is probably the solution.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/10/2014 04:53

Highly inappropriate, unprofessional and frankly weird

Ask for a referral elsewhere

PumpkinGordino · 21/10/2014 05:04

Ugh how grim. No "ishoos" tied up in your reaction, totally inappropriate on his part

NormaStanleyFletcher · 21/10/2014 05:28

I would find that inappropriate too.

Ask for a different consultant.

Sorry to hear about your condition, it sounds hard.

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 21/10/2014 06:19

Super creepy and umprofessional. I would report him.

PiperRose · 21/10/2014 06:27

A doctor suggested something perfectly legal to help with your condition. How very dare he!

Sallystyle · 21/10/2014 06:47

I would be pissed off too!

ItsNotEasyBeingGreen · 21/10/2014 06:53

Hmmm I'm in 2 minds... He's giving you medical advice to help you long term with your condition and routine sex it masturbation may help. Your libido is low (the reason needs to be determined) and ultimately pornography can help with low libido, as can exercise, as can medication. Have you been offered any psychological support?

gincamparidryvermouth · 21/10/2014 06:53

He recommended that you watch footage of women being raped and abused in order to... what? Get turned on I suppose? What a great guy he sounds.

I would at the very least ask for a referral elsewhere and if the GP asked why I would tell him/her.

FuckYouSheRa · 21/10/2014 06:54

I'm anti porn.

BUT.

He is a doctor discussing sexual issues with you. I don't think it's wildly inappropriate for him to suggest it alongside other things as a way to kick start your libido. It's not something I would be comfortable doing, but I don't think it's any weirder than suggesting a glass of wine to relax you or sharing fantasies, which are both things I know sex therapists recommend.

I would ask for a different doctor though as this one is clearly the wrong fit for you (he would be for me to). But I wouldn't be making a complaint or taking it any further.

hesterton · 21/10/2014 06:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bulbasaur · 21/10/2014 07:06

He recommended that you watch footage of women being raped and abused

Grin It's always easy to tell who really watches porn and who doesn't. Rape porn is a sub-genre and most mainstream sites won't feature it. There's BDSM, but BDSM is consensual with a safe word. If you don't like porn, that's fine. But don't spread misinformation about a something you clearly have no experience or knowledge of.

Moving on.

The suggestion wasn't to improve your confidence. It was to get you turned on to so you'd continue to have sex. Really the take away is to find a way to improve your libido so you want to insert something and it's enjoyable.

If porn isn't your thing, then find out what is so that you're turned on and relaxed so you enjoy keeping yourself maintained.

Depending on how he said it, it could be unprofessional. I'd say it's certainly better than telling you to drink a glass of wine and just get on with it with your husband.

But as PP's have said, he clearly isn't a match if you don't like porn, and need different suggestions.

PumpkinGordino · 21/10/2014 07:12

Watching porn is good for improving libido? Really?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 21/10/2014 07:20

Massively inappropriateShock

Bulbasaur · 21/10/2014 07:22

Watching porn is good for improving libido? Really?

For some people yes. For some people no.

Everyone is different.

I find it hard to believe that you've made it this far in life without understanding that different people do things differently.

Feigning confusion instead of just owning your shit and saying you personally don't get turned on by porn, just makes you look ignorant to how the world works.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/10/2014 07:25

What the posters means by women being raped is not the scenario projected on screen but the actual event happening.

It's not consensual sex on screen as women wouldn't do it if they didn't need the money - so therefore it's rape. And abuse.

And people shouldn't watch it as its harmful.

cricketpitch · 21/10/2014 07:25

Not inappropriate. You were discussing your lack of libido and problems with sex with a doctor - in particular the need to keep the vagina open. In as practical a way as possible he told you to do whatever you can to make having sex easier.

If you are not comfortable with him then try to arrange to see someone else but don't report him.

And depending on what you watch you don't have to see any perfect women with perfect vulvas - he was not suggesting that. Was he not just saying "whatever gets you in the mood"? (If not poor something else)

However it must be absolutely rotten to have to live with your condition - I feel for you. Poor you - and no wonder you are uncomfortable having to discuss things that you'd prefer to keep private.

doziedoozie · 21/10/2014 07:25

I wouldn't want to watch porn but romantic situations in movies which lead to sex with two actors whom I have some empathy with is very arousing imo.

What about buying black lace books and reading them (probably have to buy second hand now), they were erotic stories for women.

I see where he is coming from, just a bit tactless imo. A bit clueless too so worth finding a better fit GP for you.

Bulbasaur · 21/10/2014 07:32

It's not consensual sex on screen as women wouldn't do it if they didn't need the money - so therefore it's rape. And abuse.

I think you underestimate how much money there is in porn/stripping/sex work. If they needed the money they could get a min wage job or benefits, literally ANY other job could get them money. They're choosing to make a movie for a couple grand a pop.

No one is forcing them any more than they're forcing the men.

Let's not infantalize them and deny them personal responsibility. They know what they're doing.

I was broke and desperate for money, and I took up a menial min wage job to get by. Broke women only turn to porn if they want to do porn.

But I'm done derailing.

OP, find a doctor that fits you and can offer you practical solutions that fit into your lifestyle. You don't need to shoe horn in someone else's idea for the sake of trying.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/10/2014 07:34

Why would he say anything about having sex with someone other than your husband? That creeps me out more than the porn thing, unless you'd mentioned you were mid divorce or something!

Re porn - lots of people think it's harmless, he may be one of them, you and I both disagree. But it's odd to suggest in isolation as opposed to, say, "maybe you and your DH could focus on things that might get you in the mood, massage, glass of wine, porn, things like that."

Your reaction is not tied up with ishoos - he should be discussing such things sensitively. Do change doctor and explain why.

PrincessTeacake · 21/10/2014 07:34

On a practical note, I'd suggest written erotica, or hentai. No real people involved bar the creators, does the same job.

But yes, unprofessional and very out of touch.