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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ob/gyn suggested I watch porn.

73 replies

nnnnamechanger · 21/10/2014 01:08

Sorry in advance for oversharing. I've been stewing over this since the beginning of the year and need some perspective. I've namechanged as it's a bit embarrassing.

I have Lichen Sclerosus (a fairly rare, auto-immune, skin condition) on my vulva. It causes skin to tear and bruise easily. Labia gradually fuses together and the entrance to the vagina can seal over. eIt's also itchy and painful.

It's pretty grim and I don't recommend Googling it.

I was referred to an ob/gyn (male, prob early 50's) by my gp. There's no cure, the only treatment he would prescribe was steroid cream for the pain/itching, and monitor progress and any signs of cancer.

On my last appointmtment in Jan, Ob/gyn asked if I was managing ok re intercourse. So I admitted that I feel very self conscious about the state of my vulva, that my libido has nose dived and haven't been having sex. He advised re importance of continuing intercourse to keep the vagina open. I had no issues with this so far.

However he then said something along the lines of 'you want to stop vagina from sealing over as you might want to have sex further down the track, even if it isn't with your husband'. Then he suggested I try watching porn to get myself in the mood.

That was pretty much the end of the consultation.

So, AIBU to feel that his advice was innapropriate? I'm not prudish, and get that lots of people enjoy porn. But how is watching young, slim women with 'perfect' vaginas supposed to improve my confidence?

I'm supposed to have a check up every 6 months, but haven't been back to see him. I need to ask gp (female, but I don't like her much either) for referral else where. Do I bring this up, or am I just being oversensitive?

Again, I apologise for the intimate details. Thanks if you've managed to read to the end Smile

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/10/2014 07:36

"Broke women only turn to porn if they want to do porn"

No, they turn to it because they're addicts or trafficked - or so used to being abused it's become normal to them.

That's not 'infantilising' womens decisions but instead is describing what is actually going on.

The vast majority are not doing it because they want to.

PumpkinGordino · 21/10/2014 07:42

"Feigning confusion instead of just owning your shit and saying you personally don't get turned on by porn, just makes you look ignorant to how the world works."

that isn't what i meant. back the fuck up and wind your neck in. whether i'm turned on by porn or not is neither here nor there. you sound very defensive about this

what i meant is, does the scientific literature tell doctors that watching porn is a sensible suggestion for improving libido? i sincerely doubt it

the OP is unhappy with the doctor's suggestion and it is deeply inappropriate for a doctor to make these assumptions

PumpkinGordino · 21/10/2014 07:43

i genuinely don't know whether doctors are looking at evidence-based guidance that suggests they should advise porn-watching to patients with low libido. but the limited knowledge i do have suggests this is unlikely

zzzzz · 21/10/2014 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ithoughtofitfirst · 21/10/2014 08:04

He could have been a bit more vague. Maybe outright suggesting porn and masturbation was a bit like woah steady on. I once tried this type of therapy called the human givens approach where the therapist suggested i read 'titillating literature' to help me re-connect with my husband. I dunno that just seems a tad more... PROFESH yaknow.

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2014 08:10

Wasn't there a post yesterday about a Doctor talking about porn to a patient with a similar issue?
How odd

WanderingTrolley1 · 21/10/2014 08:13

Unprofessional, at best.

MizLizLemon · 21/10/2014 08:13

Hoppinggreen, yes there was, oddly.

nooka · 21/10/2014 08:15

Fundamentally though this is an ob/gyn doctor, not a sex therapist, and I really don't think he should have been talking about what turns or doesn't turn the OP on, especially as she obviously wasn't open to such a discussion.

She was having a consultation about a physical problem, and one that is obviously fairly sensitive, I think he should have stuck to the physical aspects and focused on what might help her to feel more comfortable. Possibly with a referral to someone who could help with libido issues if the OP wanted or thought that was an issue for her. It seems unlikely that intercourse is the only or even the best way to stop the labia from sealing up. I doubt he would have made the same suggestion to a nun for example.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/10/2014 08:22

I would be uncomfortable with that too.

GilesGirl · 21/10/2014 08:29

I agree with Nooka. Forget whether or not porn itself is good or bad or what have you.

What the OB/GYN said was inappropriate for an OB/GYN to say/suggest.

I would not only get re-referred, I'd put in a complaint.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/10/2014 08:29

I agree with finding another consultant. Even if there were nothing wrong with his advice (and I think there is) you need to feel comfortable with the people you ask for help on medical matters. If you are missing check ups because you don't want to see him then he's no good for you. While you're at it, look around for a new GP. If you don't like them you will be reluctant to turn to them. This is not good, especially when you have a health condition that will need care for years to come.

I sort of understand the porn advice - studies show that almost everyone exhibits the physical signs of arousal when they see people having sex. That doesn't mean it will put you in the mood though. And porn is a problematic industry (to put it mildly) and the sort of porn that is easily available is also often mysoginistic and shot fior men. There are women trying to create female positive porn, but whether the've achieved that (and without the issues around the people on camera) or not is questionable.

I would think it would be better to ask you what gets you in the mood and suggest you try more of that. Or better, refer you to a counsellor who specializes in sex issues - I would think there's a lot more to your emotional needs in this area than just needing to feel turned on.

WD41 · 21/10/2014 08:30

Yanbu. Inappropriate for him to specifically suggest porn & I can understand the not wanting to look at other women's labias

I would ask to be referred to somebody else

WrappedInABlankie · 21/10/2014 10:00

He was trying to help you. If you don't want his help them find someone else. Your being very ott regarding the porn Hmm

bodhranbae · 21/10/2014 10:20

This is a very male way of handling a dip in libido. And pretty archaic too.
He sounds like an arse - I'd find someone new asap.

BertieBotts · 21/10/2014 10:27

I think this is a wider issue. He's made a lazy suggestion. Porn as a shorthand for "something which you find arousing" - it reflects society's general view of porn, as something harmless and normal, just images of sex. Which would be fine if that's what it was but there is a subtext which not everyone (especially men, I would think) is aware of.

I hope you can find a practitioner who is more sensitive to your individual needs.

Fairenuff · 21/10/2014 10:28

Highly inapproprite and unprofessional. I would report him OP.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/10/2014 10:30

I would say he sounds out of touch and old fashioned. A medic in his position who paid the faintest bit of attention to popular culture would at least have told you to go and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey given that (pile of crap though it is) the past 18 months or so have seen a perfect media storm around the book and the idea that it turns WOMEN on.

And if you do think boosting your libido is a good idea, erotic fiction is a good way to do it, though there is much better stuff to read than 50 Shades.

Original poster
nnnnamechanger · 21/10/2014 10:51

Hello again Smile. Sorry for disappearing - I'm in a different time zone and have been off making dinner and doing the evening routine.

Some really interesting posts. I really appreciate your replies. The fact that a lot of you would not have been bothered is an indicator that it probably wasn't a wildly outrageous suggestion from my doctor.

Trying to articulate my issues a little more clearly - I think my problem lies more in the fact that I feel acutely embarrassed about what I look like, and don't want DH to see it. I'm also afraid of ending up with tearing and bruising. It's just put me right off intercourse. Watching porn doesn't address this. I do still sort myself out sometimes though.

So as other posters have said - best to just get another referral.

Hopping - I didn't see the other thread you mentioned. I'll have to go and search for it. I promise this is completely unrelated.

I have lovely rl friends, but this is just something I don't think I could go into with them Grin. I've been thinking about starting this thread for ages, and am glad to have the mn perspective on it.

Thanks everyone ;-)

OP posts:
FickleByNurture · 21/10/2014 10:53

Definitely better things than 50 shades. I'm not entirely sure why all porn is considered evil and abusive when 50 shades was a poorly written story of domestic abuse and manipulation.

BiscuitMillionaire · 21/10/2014 10:58

I understand why you're upset (I hate porn too) but I think perhaps he was implying (clumsily) that masturbation would be a good idea if you're not having sex with your DH.

NameChange30 · 21/10/2014 11:00

The debate about whether porn (or suggesting it) is acceptable or not is kind of beside the point. It seems like the ob/gyn doesn't really understand what the OP wants or needs... He is probably not experienced in dealing with the condition. So OP you should ask for a referral to someone else. Have you heard of The Vulval Pain Society? Please look them up as you might find the advice useful... It's always a comfort to know you're not alone, and you might find recommendations for good specialists near you.
Sex therapy might also help (Relate is very good) but not by itself, you also need support with the physical symptoms.
Good luck x

PumpkinSizedMammaries · 21/10/2014 11:01

Even if some would not have been bothered, suggesting specific material is still inappropriate

ScarletFever · 21/10/2014 11:03

its a tough subject, some people like it - and some dont

I think all he was trying to do was to suggest you 'keep lubricated downstairs' - and made the suggestion that porn might be the way to go.
I dont think he was being unreasonable - people act in porn for a lot of different reasons, money, some shock horror actually enjoy it

50 shades of grey anyone? thats a porn novel, you dont need to watch it, you can read it

You were talking about sexual organs, he made a suggestion - I think you are ok to be a bit miffed, but i also think that some of the posts on here are RBU

bodhranbae · 21/10/2014 11:06

A GOOD ob/gynae would have recommended relationship/sexual counselling so that OP and her DH can negotiate their way through this TOGETHER and still have a mutually satisfying sex life.

Living with a condition that impacts on your ability and desire to have sex is something millions of people live with - the idea that porn is the great panacea of all sexual ills is beyond ridiculous and exposes what a crap doctor he is.