Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disturbed at the level of hatred this male work colleague showed towards me?

73 replies

SmellyMuffin · 20/10/2014 12:48

I'm sorry to bring sex and gender into the equation, but it is relevant I can assure you.

In my current job I've always been surrounded by men, it's never been a problem and I've always got a long well with them. A few months ago I found myself having to work alongside a man who from the moment we met made it clear he strongly disliked me, without any good reason I should add. I put up with snide comments and general rudeness for a few weeks until I snapped and gave it him back full barrels.

I'm not being arrogant but I am University educated and I think reasonably articulate and so it wasn't difficult to put him in his place, or so I thought. He literally exploded in my face, shouting, swearing and telling me I was an idiot, stupid and god knows what else. I've never see a person so angry in all my life and it terrified me because conveniently it happened when no one else was around, I made a complaint to my boss and it calmed down again before he literally exploded in my face again over something very minor (again when no one else was around). This time I put my foot down and refused to work with him due to my worry that he may physically assault me.

Getting anyone else to believe me was a nightmare because he was incredibly popular with our other colleagues, and I even had one, who'd I'd previously got along really well with, tell me that this man was "like a brother" to him, and that I "must have got him on a bad day". I was made to feel guilty for daring to stand up to this man and for reporting him.

The reason I've started this thread is that I was just driving home from the supermarket and saw this man in a car driving through the car park, and it brought back all of these feelings, the anger, and I will never forget the look of revulsion on his face whenever he used to look at me. It was like I disgusted him in some way. I don't believe he'd ever speak to a man that way, and that was compounded by the fact that when DH confronted him one morning (I don't condone this by the way) he turned into a jabbering wreck and drove off.

It makes me so angry that I've had to leave my job because of this person! I just need to vent! For the first time ever I've encounter a man who clearly detested women, something I've never encountered before.

Why am I still so angry about this?

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 20/10/2014 12:51

Was there no one else around when this 'exploding in your face' happened? Both times.

Original poster
SmellyMuffin · 20/10/2014 12:54

Nope, very conveniently. Trying to prove what happened was a nightmare because it felt like I was believed, due to this colleagues popularity with other members of staff.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 20/10/2014 12:54

"He literally exploded in my face"

Really? Hmm

ArabellaTarantella · 20/10/2014 12:54

LadyLuck - RTFT - she said there wasn't Hmm

Hollycopter · 20/10/2014 12:55

I'd guess it's because you weren't believed and weren't backed up. I think a good bit of the blame lies with your other colleagues and employer here.

FWIW, something similar happened to me once, but my boss and HR believed me. It still really shook me up and I really wouldn't like to meet this man accidentally if I was by myself, I'd never had so much rage directed at me before. FlowersBrew

YellowSpoon · 20/10/2014 12:58

You are angry because it is scary and unfair and the lack of support for women who experiences assaults like this normalises it and leaves you feeling even more abused.

You handled it really well.

pluCaChange · 20/10/2014 12:59

No doubt you're angry because (a) anger begets responses (including fear, and also more anger), and (b) you're angry at your useless manager(s) and collusive co-workers. Why wouldn't you be angry about your crap and frustrating treatment?!

Original poster
SmellyMuffin · 20/10/2014 13:00

Hollycopter that's how I feel. I've had situations in the past where I've not like or got along with colleagues, which is perfectly normal, but actual verbal abuse was a whole new ball game for me.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 20/10/2014 13:00

The reason you are so angry is because he hasn't had to face up to what he did or to make amends in any way that you are aware of.

You are also scared of him - which is understandable.

The best thing you can do is move on. Succeeding in what you do in life is the best revenge. Someone so horrible will come unstuck at some point. Don't waste your energies on him.

If you happen to see him again and should he say or do anything which threatens you, involve the police. You no longer have to worry about any working relationship with the nasty twonk.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/10/2014 14:20

Do you have legal cover on your house insurance? If so, you may be able to get an employment solicitor to look at your case for constructive dismissal.

A few years ago my dh was made redundant pretty horrifically by his company. They didn't follow the correct process and after a while we went to see an employment solicitor. (We didn't have legal cover so we had to pay ourselves which was terrifying but we had researched a lot and we pretty sure they had broken the law.) She wrote a couple of (really really scary) letters and they paid us quite a lot of money to go away.

The bill worked out at roughly 5% of what we got but - and this is the bit I really love her for! - she got it included in the contract that they had to pay her not us. There is something very satisfying about the fact that she wrote them letters basically calling them stupid tosspots and they paid her for them.

The money didn't help anywhere near as much as reading the letters did (although as dh got another - better - job pretty soon after we were able to pay a nice chunk off our mortgage with it). The other thing that helps is knowing that if they had been pleasant about it at the beginning and offered dh enhanced money then that we would have asked for 50% of what we eventually got and taken 30%! Ha! Stupid tosspots!

Rainbunny · 20/10/2014 15:35

Has this person been at the company for a while? People like that don't just turn into aggressive arseholes out of nowhere just because they take a dislike to a particular person. I can't believe he's been an angel all the time he has been at the company and suddenly decided to pick on you. What I'm saying is, think hard and see if you can remember anyone else avoiding this man - you might be surprised at how many other employees have had similar experiences with him and have been too scared to speak out. He didn't treat you like this in private by coincidence - I'm betting he's done this before.

partialderivative · 20/10/2014 15:42

Did you not initiate the first instance by 'letting him have both barrels'? So it was hardly his fault that no one was around then.

WorraLiberty · 20/10/2014 15:43

For the first time ever I've encounter a man who clearly detested women, something I've never encountered before.

Whoa! That's as bit of a leap isn't it?

He clearly for whatever reason detested you, but that doesn't involve all women does it?

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 20/10/2014 16:18

Love the victim blaming beginning on here already...

Yanbu op. He sounds horrible

BalloonSlayer · 20/10/2014 16:21

You start by saying "in your current job" but then you say you have had to leave your job because of him?

OneSkinnyChip · 20/10/2014 16:22

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I'm a bit confused - did you actually leave your job voluntarily? I can't work out if you left work or just refused to work with him and got moved sideways.

Brices · 20/10/2014 16:37

Says more about me I know, but I would assume any man "disliking" me this much obviously fancied me.

Obvious Grin
Read too many novels perhaps were a protagonist really really hates and then what do you know was masking a stronger emotion they couldn't name...
Was this poor character perhaps emotionally immature?
Pity OP is what is called for here

Original poster
SmellyMuffin · 20/10/2014 16:38

I refused to work alongside him, my life was made very difficult because of it so I began looking elsewhere for work. I was lucky in that I found something straight away and am just waiting on my DBS to come back before I can start it. Before this happened I had enjoyed my job, but I didn't feel supported by the people higher up or my fellow colleagues.

Partial how is sticking up for yourself "initiating it"? He was attempting to belittle me and was constantly putting me down and I made it clear that I was not prepared to put up with it. If you think that screaming and shouting in someone else's face is ever acceptable then that says more about you than it does me.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/10/2014 16:41

I think what Partial was trying to say, was that regarding there 'conveniently' being no-one around when he started shouting at you...he couldn't have planned that because he couldn't have known you'd give it to him with both barrels if that makes sense?

That's how I read it anyway.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2014 16:43

Have you actually left because of this man? And what did your husband do to him?

BaldricksWife · 20/10/2014 16:46

This happened to me. I was playing polyfilla in my friends DH's business which was landscaping. They took on a very experienced worker and on one job which was just me and him, out of no where his persona became very intimidating and explosive- screaming, swearing and shouting for no apparent reason and I really started to be a bit worried for my own safety.

I put it down as a one off but after it happened a second time I decided to move on- I did tell my friend about the incidences when I left and found out some time later that he did the same to another female worker after I had left and it really frightened her- take care x

Yarp · 20/10/2014 16:47

I think people have made different inferences about what "giving it with bith barrels" meant in your OP.

Could you elaborate

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/10/2014 16:49

Sounds like a verbal assault to me. No wonder you were shaken up.

Original poster
SmellyMuffin · 20/10/2014 16:51

I just made it clear that I wasn't prepared to be spoken to like dirt or belittled and that we were supposed to be equals ( we were) and that provoked the first verbal explosion. The second time was because I dared or disagree with him on something.

I honestly thought standing up to him would make him back down, because I've always been lead to believe that when you challenge a bully they show themselves to be cowards and stop.

OP posts:
Yarp · 20/10/2014 16:55

ah Ok.

Yes, it sounds like he was extremely aggressive in the face of you asserting yourself. And I don't think that it is too much of a leap to think that a man who can't cope with a woman asserting herself ( and respeondes aggressively) has problems with women in general.