To be disturbed at the level of hatred this male work colleague showed towards me?

[SmellyMuffin]

I'm sorry to bring sex and gender into the equation, but it is relevant I can assure you.

In my current job I've always been surrounded by men, it's never been a problem and I've always got a long well with them. A few months ago I found myself having to work alongside a man who from the moment we met made it clear he strongly disliked me, without any good reason I should add. I put up with snide comments and general rudeness for a few weeks until I snapped and gave it him back full barrels.

I'm not being arrogant but I am University educated and I think reasonably articulate and so it wasn't difficult to put him in his place, or so I thought. He literally exploded in my face, shouting, swearing and telling me I was an idiot, stupid and god knows what else. I've never see a person so angry in all my life and it terrified me because conveniently it happened when no one else was around, I made a complaint to my boss and it calmed down again before he literally exploded in my face again over something very minor (again when no one else was around). This time I put my foot down and refused to work with him due to my worry that he may physically assault me.

Getting anyone else to believe me was a nightmare because he was incredibly popular with our other colleagues, and I even had one, who'd I'd previously got along really well with, tell me that this man was "like a brother" to him, and that I "must have got him on a bad day". I was made to feel guilty for daring to stand up to this man and for reporting him.

The reason I've started this thread is that I was just driving home from the supermarket and saw this man in a car driving through the car park, and it brought back all of these feelings, the anger, and I will never forget the look of revulsion on his face whenever he used to look at me. It was like I disgusted him in some way. I don't believe he'd ever speak to a man that way, and that was compounded by the fact that when DH confronted him one morning (I don't condone this by the way) he turned into a jabbering wreck and drove off.

It makes me so angry that I've had to leave my job because of this person! I just need to vent! For the first time ever I've encounter a man who clearly detested women, something I've never encountered before.

Why am I still so angry about this?

She already said she had difficulty proving it, phaedra.

Seriously record it next time. You can do it on the quiet I'm sure.

I've met a bully like this. I will report him to the police for intimidation next time as I felt my safety was in danger.

Phaedra, are you HR?

So they all gathered round to protect their own, how utterly vile. No wonder you're angry, you should be furious. We all should be furious that this crap goes on all the time.

I'm shocked at the lack of support for you, OP. It sounds truly awful and I hope it doesn't put you off working in a male orientated environment. I think you did the right thing by reporting this man, but it's such a shame you have had to leave your job

Op what are you planning to do about him. I just çoukd not let him get away with it. Next time if you see him, hold your head high, you are so better than him. I am stunned at some posters responses on here, thinking op the problem, and blaming her for chalk ending his bullying intimidating and quite threatening behaviour.

Challenging I meant

I'm a bit surprised at the faith people have in HR. I've worked in 3 different institutions now where colleagues of mine have made well-founded complaints about bullying. HR have done.......zilch. Every. Single. Time. It's been hugely detrimental to my colleagues careers whilst the bully has, on the whole, got away with it (apart from one instance where a very serious complaint was levelled, but HR only took it seriously when the fourth person complained). In my working environment, HR are only interested if you have cast-iron, written proof (eg harassing emails).

Good on you for standing up to him, OP, I wish I were so brave. I hope you're in a nicer environment now. You're right to feel angry but try and forget him, he's not your worth your brain space. If the company are willing to lose a valuable staff member because of him, it's their loss.

Exactly bolshy, HR is not some wonderful eutopia where all problems will be dealt with effectively and the desired outcome. Op has ever right to challenge a bully who is her harassing her, why should she allow him to abuse her like that! Says a lot about the company that tgey would rather keep a bully, and make excuses for his behaviour.

I've had this. Very similar experience, and you were wise to leave! I couldn't leave and it went on and on, and got horribly ugly and distressing.

I am still suffering from the effects of the bullying.

It is almost no use trying understand the mentality of a person like that, you can't.

P.S. In my case HR didn't help me at all - some of them even felt sorry for him!

I have worked for a misogynist before. He would build young women up and give them lots of constructive advice etc to make sure they really looked up to him. And then about three months in, he would just totally rip into them - I mean just RAGE at them. And when you saw him do it, you could see he REALLY enjoyed it when they just crumbled. We had a voodoo doll of him in the ladies Loos.... Men like this do exist and it is FRIGHTENING that they are in positions of power.

Oh yeah, and HR were rubbish. I lost count of the times I reported him. I mean women were having nervous breakdowns working for him!

That is disgusting Ocelot, I hope he dident have a partner or dd, how would he feel if his dd was treated that way! These men are usually abusive in their home life.

Oh God he was even worse to his partner and the mother of his kids! Not only a serial cheat but always bringing along the latest OW to big company events and snogging her face off. So basically he did it so it would get back to her, so then he could accuse her of being a nasty suspicious ( and even unhinged) woman. Total abusive control freak.

What an arsehole goodness me. I can imagine there are men like them out there, and even worrying, they are with female partners.

Well, I gather she left him in the end and was glad of it. I think I didn't stop feeling furious about him for at least a year - he ruined my chances of success in that company and even tried to have me fired because I reported him. Thankfully, I was a member of a good union. But you did the right thing OP - run fast and run far. You will mend in time - he won't.

HR also useless with bullying in our workplace I'm afraid. They paid lip service to bullying policies but gave no real meaningful support. Almost behaved as if they were frightened of the bully.

I experienced a similar situation, again no witnesses and recall HR saying in a really sneery way 'were there never any witnesses?' as if I was making it up. The reason there were no witnesses is because witnesses would have prevented it Like der.

So sorry OP and I also recall seeing the bully driving and feeling palpitations of irrational fear. If you knew me in RL you'd be gobsmacked because I'm very assertive. The compounding bit for me was the fact that the bully knew how to cleverly bully without getting caught. Being disbelieved by HR gave the bully a free hand and made me feel powerless

They have since left...because of bullying elsewhere

Ops bully like front forward, bully obviously when nobody could see him. He maintained this pretence of being a good guy, like a brother to them. Good on op for challenging this bully, she so did the right thing. I hope she is happy in her new company.

I'm really sorry to hear about this. I was and am bullied at work by a man who used to sleaze all over me. He disgusts me and I had to make it clear because he just wouldn't take a hint. Now he tells everyone that I'm a bully and runs me down to clients. It does take some significant strength to keep on! but at the end of the day part of me pities him. He's a nasty man, leading a nasty little life, lying to himself and everyone else all the time. His relationships are riddled with insecurity and power play. when I think about it like that I feel sad for him because everything about my life is nicer really and I know in my heart that I'm a good person and I value myself and lead a healthy life.

It took me some time to get to this place. I really feel for you because I know what it's like not to be believed and how it can really feel like the hatred is overwhelming you sometimes. But take comfort in your own behaviour and the fact that you can respect yourself and your actions. well done for standing up for yourself.

Pheadra I really hope that you don't work in HR, because quite frankly I think you'd be completely useless at it. Why are ignoring the facts and not reading what I've said properly?