To be disturbed at the level of hatred this male work colleague showed towards me?

[SmellyMuffin]

I'm sorry to bring sex and gender into the equation, but it is relevant I can assure you.

In my current job I've always been surrounded by men, it's never been a problem and I've always got a long well with them. A few months ago I found myself having to work alongside a man who from the moment we met made it clear he strongly disliked me, without any good reason I should add. I put up with snide comments and general rudeness for a few weeks until I snapped and gave it him back full barrels.

I'm not being arrogant but I am University educated and I think reasonably articulate and so it wasn't difficult to put him in his place, or so I thought. He literally exploded in my face, shouting, swearing and telling me I was an idiot, stupid and god knows what else. I've never see a person so angry in all my life and it terrified me because conveniently it happened when no one else was around, I made a complaint to my boss and it calmed down again before he literally exploded in my face again over something very minor (again when no one else was around). This time I put my foot down and refused to work with him due to my worry that he may physically assault me.

Getting anyone else to believe me was a nightmare because he was incredibly popular with our other colleagues, and I even had one, who'd I'd previously got along really well with, tell me that this man was "like a brother" to him, and that I "must have got him on a bad day". I was made to feel guilty for daring to stand up to this man and for reporting him.

The reason I've started this thread is that I was just driving home from the supermarket and saw this man in a car driving through the car park, and it brought back all of these feelings, the anger, and I will never forget the look of revulsion on his face whenever he used to look at me. It was like I disgusted him in some way. I don't believe he'd ever speak to a man that way, and that was compounded by the fact that when DH confronted him one morning (I don't condone this by the way) he turned into a jabbering wreck and drove off.

It makes me so angry that I've had to leave my job because of this person! I just need to vent! For the first time ever I've encounter a man who clearly detested women, something I've never encountered before.

Why am I still so angry about this?

Esp when he did back down when your DH confronted him (by way of contrast). Yeah, this type of "man" has only one thing for a benchmark - can the other party beat the shit out of him? If not, act how you please.

Similar concept with the nice-as-pie treatment of his male co-workers. Just like abusers in all the Relationships freds - most people don't get how how bad a seemingly charming man can be.

OP, definitely look into bringing a claim for constructive dismissal. If you felt hounded out of your job and unsupported by management, and have enough documentation, it's worth a look.

It's awful Pendant but on the rare occasions that he was civil to me and spoke about his partner, I can remember thinking "I bet she's felt the back of your hand a few times".

He had a partner? The poor woman!

What an obnoxious twat.

Regarding facing a bully down I quote from Willans and Searle, "How to be Topp" (one of the Molesworth books).

"Ern is a buly. Everyone sa stand up to bulies they will run awa but do not believe it. A lot of them stand still and then where are you eh? i will tell you you are in the duck pond and it is joly freezing."

Personally I would avail myself of the facilities for voice and video recording provided by my mobile phone when dealing with someone like this.

Someone getting unreasonably angry like this is not angry with you but reliving some repressed anger he has stored against someone that you remind him of, or reliving an experience he has had in the past, probably to a bully he was scared to take on and letting it all out to you as you are not going to punch his face in.

Because how could he build up that amount of hate against someone he has only worked with briefly and hardly knows personally.

You get my drift. It is not you, it is him, a messed up weirdo.

YADNBU I'm wondering if you were working with my former colleague. Said colleague had a reputation for exploding at other employees- they were always female and always junior to him. He made our office a living hell. The worst of it is that two people (both of which had been verbally abused by him in the presence of multiple witnesses) made bullying complaints against him. How did our institution choose to reprimand him? They gave him an extra pay rise (for hard work)!? The bullying was brushed under the carpet.
He's probably still there now, poisoning the atmosphere and screaming at his girlfriend down the phone (which he did in our office). I left as soon as I could, and I'm so happy I did.
It's upsetting to have to leave, but you're best off out of there.

I suggest you buy a small dictaphone and keep it on you if you ever happen to be alone with this man again.

This man's behaviour rings really true to me and is classic bully, even psychopath, behaviour. Being really nice to everyone else so that they don't believe chosen victim is utterly textbook. People with psychopath tendancies can be very charming and push other people's buttons perfectly to get what they want.

Hence his response to your husband also - designed to make him doubt you and see him as harmless.

Figgy my mum had suggested that I record him on my phone if it happened again, but quite honestly I think my safety may have be compromised if I'd done that and he'd caught me so I chose not to do it.

Aherd I'd not thought of him being psychopath, just an aggressive dickhead, but now you mention it it may well explain a lot. The rage he displayed for something that so mundane was just bizarre, pure venom, his face contorted and tuned bright red and his eyes bulged. He'd also rock back and forth, it would have been funny had it not been so disturbing and intimidating. Thankful DH didn't doubt me for a second, but having seen in action with other colleagues and members of the public he was charm personified.

Sorry but I think you were as out of order as he was.

You say you had to put up with snide remarks and general rudeness but chose in a situation where it was only you and him to "give it him back full barrels"

Not a good way to handle it. Snide remarks and general rudeness merit a conversation with HR, not letting rip, which as far as your employers were concerned, out of the blue.

You weren't being in any way unreasonable. I'm really sorry you had to experience this. Hopefully your new job won't have utter dickheads like him there and you can enjoy your working day. No one should have to put up with being verbally assaulted no matter what some of the usual victim blamers would like you to think.

It is not victim blaming to point out OP handled this badly.

General rudeness and snide remarks is not verbally assaulting anyone- letting rip with full barrels may well be.

OP should have raised this via HR. Not doing so but just letting rip leaves employers with a situation where a long standing employee no-one else had a problem with has, as far as they were concerned, has been laid into by OP.

OP may well have had justified complaint but her way of dealing with it lost the moral high ground.

I recall a situation a few years' back with a secretary who, whilst not being rude , was just useless. This was in the days when law firms almost never sacked anyone.

It took ages to get rid of her and was scuppered at least twice by fee earners getting so exasperated by her and "letting rip" which pretty much meant that her file of being utterly useless had to be built up from scratch again.

There are men like this around - they are rare, but when you come across them, it's unmistakeable. They are being aggressive towards a woman because they can. They know if they behaved like this to a man they might be punched out.

I came across it in a friendship group- he was a mate of my then bf. It was quite extraordinary to experience - he would decide to just turn on me, over something very trivial that I had said, despite being friendly the rest of the time. He would do this in front of everyone too, eg, in the pub - it really was quite surreal. And very frightening - because I did feel that he might hit me. He would get so angry.

Do you know what really annoyed me about the whole thing? Everyone excused it by saying he fancied me! Like that would be seen as a reasonable excusing for screaming in my face and frightening me.

Phaedra you have no idea what the OP's performance is like.

Nor does the secretary's performance excuse the fee earners for acting like dicks.

Fairly shocked at your post.

I am disgusted at some of the responses on here, questioning op, and making her believe it may be her who is responsible for this bully's behaviour. Of course she stood up for this bully, good on her and so she should. It's convenient nobodies around when he does this, I am sure he would not dare do thus in front of his colleagues as it woukd break the nice image everybody has of him. I would have a secret recorder or record his behaviour on your phone and show HR and your boss. I expect he took a dislike to her as she us female, believe it or not, some men do not like women. I would also seek legal advice if nothing is being done.

Phaedra nobody should put up with snide remarks abd rudeness it is unacceptable and bullying.

Funny he tùrns into a wreck when a man confronts him, he thinks it's ok to bully a woman. Yes op seek legal advice, go to your union too.

Phaedra, did you even bother to read the thread properly before commenting? If screaming and shouting in someone's face not verbal abuse then I don't know what is? Screaming and shouting in my face and saying "what the hell is wrong with YOU?!" because I dared to point out that I wasn't prepared to be spoken to like dirt or belittled. Yes, notice how he tried to turn it around onto me.

So basically what you are saying is that if you stand up for yourself you should expect a verbal assault like that? And whilst belittling and rudeness might not be verbal abuse, it is bullying and general shitty behaviour.

Also where did I say he was long standing employee? I don't think I did, did I? He'd only been there as long as I had but we'd never really had to work together until recently. The key difference is that everyone else there was a man and I am a woman. Coincidence? I think not.

Ignore Phaedra.

Your employer has a duty of care to you and if they don't tackle this and you go off sick or he hits you, they are liable.
They also absolutely must not allow a culture to perpetrate where bullying and intimidation are accepted. I'd carefully document all your interaction with him, leave your phone on record in your pocket (TapeMe is a good app) and TELL HR.

Congrats on leaving!
your post sounded like the story of my previous job. I was denied training on a mix of sexism and constant bullying , given the terrible jobs when the prestigious ones were handed to friends.
My boss then even went to tell my new company that I lacked focus in my work.
the hatred and anger will go away :) take care.

If he was so unpleasant why didn't you deal with it via HR? (that's part of their role - attempting to deal with issues before they blow up to this level ) rather than starting what sounded like a slanging match between the 2 of you ?

You let things build up and let rip (your words) and he did the same back.

Sorry what you said was "give it back both barrels" Still should have been raised via HR.

Phaedra why are you supporting this bullies disgusting behaviour. She was right to challenge him, and to try and address this herself which she did, she is not responsible for his outburst.

After his tirade she should gave gone to HR, anyway she is no longer in the job so mabey she needs to seek legal advice!