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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my friend what her DP is really like

59 replies

xalyssx · 20/10/2014 00:31

One of my best friends (let's call her Lucy) is dating my ex (let's call him Steve). I still get on very well with Steve, and our relationship was good at the time. The problem is, Lucy hats cheating, and I know that Steve used to cheat.
Steve's ex wife Jane hates Lucy, because Jane left the marriage and moved away, leaving her kids with Steve, and now Lucy is spending a lot of time with them. Jane is always telling Lucy and Steve to split up, but Lucy thinks that, as Jane cheated on Steve, she has no right to dictate her ex husband's life.
The problem is, yes Jane did cheat on Steve, but he cheated first - with me. He was still in an intimate relationship with Jane when he started going out with me, even though he swore blind that they were in separate beds. We went out for almost 2 years before he actually split up with her properly.
So, AIBU to tell Lucy that her DP isn't quite as innocent as he makes out?

OP posts:
Bearfrills · 20/10/2014 00:35

I think you and Jane need to butt out and leave Lucy and Steve to get on with it. In all honesty, why do you want to piss all over their relationship? What's the end goal? Is it to get Steve back? If so, you really need to take a step back and distance yourself from the friendship.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 20/10/2014 00:35

Yabu. Keep out of it.

DHandhisgrossfoot · 20/10/2014 00:36

I would keep my nose out if I were you, it will sound like you're stirring.

ZenNudist · 20/10/2014 00:38

Not sure I follow all that. She's not much of a friend to be dating your ex. I'd leave them to it. You just come off sounding sour if you start telling tales. Also if Steve is a mate why do you want to get him in the shit with his gf?

mynewpassion · 20/10/2014 00:41

Did Lucy know that you dated Steve?

Notmeagain1 · 20/10/2014 00:56

Wow....Yabu, stay out of it. Let Lucy, Jane and Steve figure it out or you will lose your friendships. There is nothing to gain by telling anything you know, IMO.

VeryStressedMum · 20/10/2014 01:03

Do you still like Steve? I can't see why else you would feel the need to tell her about it.

Original poster
xalyssx · 20/10/2014 01:10

Lucy knows that I dated Steve, and she likes being able to talk to me about him, cos no one else likes him. He lies a lot to make himself look good, and Lucy has been able to see through most of them, although not all. I definitely don't want Steve back, I only ended up going out with him because I was at a very low point when I met him, just like Lucy. I was 17 and he was a lot older. I'm only still friends with him because he owes me £700, and because he's going out with Lucy. She has told me before that she'd like to know if a potential boyfriend had cheated, but I don't know if it would be any good for me to tell her when she has already established the relationship?

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 20/10/2014 01:20
Hmm
Yambabe · 20/10/2014 01:36

You still get on well with Steve and the relationship was good but you are also only still friends with him because he owes you money? Hmm

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 20/10/2014 01:36

He sounds horrible. In fact it all sounds horrible. If they ever split (they will) he will tell her all that sordid shite anyway. Men like that like to stick the boot in. Oh and tell him to pay you back ASAP. Staying friends with someone because they owe you (or you them) money is weird. Not a real friend at all.

FastWindow · 20/10/2014 01:42

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BumpAndGrind · 20/10/2014 01:56

Aww, give to OP a break. She is obviously still young.
All my friends are currently acting like juvenile dickheads in a similar fashion to this and they are in their 30s!

LuisCarol · 20/10/2014 02:06

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FastWindow · 20/10/2014 02:10

Fair enough bump so after sifting through, the clear advice is...?

Op, Steve is not a nice person. You should tell your friend to get rid, write off your 700 quid, and question your future choice of best friend/partner.

Original poster
xalyssx · 20/10/2014 02:19

At first the relationship was crap, but then after he separated from Jane it was a good relationship; it was the first relationship where I was treated like an equal. I wouldn't see him very often at all if he didn't owe me money, he is very busy. I am happy to write the money off. I am now in a relationship where I live with my fiance and our 2 kids. If I were to tell Lucy about Steve having cheated in the past, I would do it in context ie when she mentions Jane's indescretions. I wouldn't tell her about anything else Steve did as it is unlikely that he will do it to her.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 20/10/2014 02:32

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GingerCuddleMonster · 20/10/2014 02:34

I was never any good at those "if Jane is taller than Paul but shorter than Joel" questions, its no wonder I can't follow this.

just leave them to it, its their relationship now unless you fancy being the other woman again though I strongly advise you don't make a habit of it...Hmm

Original poster
xalyssx · 20/10/2014 02:40

Sorry for not spelling that right, I'm feeding my baby and I didn't realise that it wasn't in my phone dictionary.
Thanks for helping me with this, I find it hard to know what to do in a lot of situations. I won't tell Lucy about anything, I'll just support her if anything happens.

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 20/10/2014 03:20

I think he sounds like a horrible man, dating a 17 yr old when he was still married, and for two years!

I think if Lucy is a real friend of yours, next time she mentions Jane in a bad light for cheating, of course you should tell Lucy that Jane only cheated after Steve had been cheating with you and leading you on, and outright lying to you about the status of his marriage. Why would anyone want a true friend dating such a scumbag without at least letting them know what he's like from your own first hand knowledge?

And you should drop your faux friendship with Steve. Either let go of the £700 quid, or apply through small claims for it back. You already know he's a lying cheating scumbag, and maintaining a friendship is only going to get you strung along further, and still be owed £700.

YANBU
I think you would be being a terrible friend to leave Lucy in a relationship with this man that you know is founded on lies, at least one of which you are helping him to maintain by keeping quiet.

There is the possibility that you'll lose her friendship too when you tell her. If so, you can assume she's thoroughly enchanted by him and hope to rekindle the friendship once he's gone, if you still want to.

YANBU

FastWindow · 20/10/2014 04:19

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Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 04:33

I fail to understand how, if Lucy is friends with you, that she doesn't already know that Steve was married when you were seeing him.

And you are not "friends" with him, he is someone you used to sleep with (lying cheating bastard) who still owes you money (sponging thief) who is now going out with your friend (nasty). At no point does that define a friend.

Did Jane find out about you, is that why she then had an affair herself? Because if so, and Jane is pissed off about Lucy, then chances are it's going to come to Lucy's ears anyway - so you might as well tell her yourself. Nice and matter of fact: "of course, you do remember/realise that Steve was still married to Jane the entire time I was seeing him, don't you".

If she bins you off, so be it. Hopefully though she'll get rid of him instead.

Original poster
xalyssx · 20/10/2014 04:42

Jane was having the affair long before I came on the scene, no one found out about it for years though.
Lucy didn't know about the relationship between me and Steve because no one did, he would never be seen out with me.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 20/10/2014 04:43

Thumbwitch.... Oh well. I like your nn.

Thumbwitch · 20/10/2014 04:44

"The problem is, yes Jane did cheat on Steve, but he cheated first - with me."

Sorry, this from your OP doesn't match up with what you've just said.

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